Hi - I am a married mother of a wonderful and loving 7 year old daughter who has recently begun having major meltdowns with me and with her grandparents. They seem to focus around not getting "things" that she wants...Ice cream at the softball field, an ADDITIONAL item of clothing at a store trip...but are way out of control, her requested time for dinner. They start simple enough with non-compliance and "no"s and then rapidly ramp up to screaming, lashing out and uncontrollable hysterics. After 20-30 minutes she will calm herself down and is very sad and apologetic about how she acted. She exhibited this type of behavior when she was 4 or so, but we thought she had "outgrown" it as she gained some maturity, but in the last 2 months or so it has come back with a vengeance! We are not (nor have we ever) "rewarded" negative behavior by giving in to her demands when she does this; and have historically removed her from the environment and "ignored" her behavior until she was calm enough to discuss/rationalize with, but now that she is older and stronger we feel that we can no longer just let her wear herself out like we did in the past. Twice we have had to drag her kicking and screaming (literally!) out of parking lots and stores. Any advice on why this is returning and how to diffuse the situation?
My daughter has had similar behavior, tho unlike you they didn't stop at 4 and resume at 7 but instead kept right on through. I finally had her "evaluated" and she was diagnosed with depression. A psychologist recommended consultation w/a psychiatrist for meds, as well as therapy. I opted for therapy first, and after a few months of one-on-one and group, her behavior has improved appreciably.
If this is new and she hadn't acted out for a long time, I would check for things triggering it. In the past she may have been able to deal with the feelings that come with not getting what you want, but with added stress, she may not be able to cope. Anything going on at school, with parents, friends, etc.
Also, clean up her diet. Diet affects our behavior and can make any of us fly off the handle more, become angry or even depressed. Cut back on sugars, chemicals, and "non-foods" (processed foods). Also, environmental toxins. Get rid of any toxic household or personal products. They can definitely affect our brain and behavior among other things. You can check out my site and contact me for information on this. I'll be glad to help out. We've had to detoxify our home due to our son who is on the spectrum as well. Side note: This has been crutial to his recovery, and he is recovering.
Also, check out the book "New Kid By Friday" by Leman (I think). Also, as Dr. James MacDonald of Communicating Partners says, "Don't talk to bad behavior."
By the way, I have a son on the spectrum as well and my real challenge is my daughter too. LOL
Hope this is a help to you.
Blessings,
T. E.
www.LiveWellShopSmart.com
www.LovinLifeWithHomeBiz.com
Hello,
Is your daughter getting "alone time" with you and or your husband? I am wondering if maybe you son because of his diagnosis maybe getting more attention and time, and she is feeling that. (?)
My 8yo daughter is the same way. She just has to have her own way and is willing to make EVERYONES life miserable any where we are to get her own way. Whatever you do don't give in once you have said no or set down the rules. With her we have not found anything that works every time to get her to change her ways but the other day she was deliberatly disobeying and after 3 time outs and taking away the PRIVILAGE of the swing set she finally calmed down and did as she was told. She is learning that I will not give in. I am also 29 weeks pregnant with our 3rd daughter an the middle child is only 2yo. Sometimes I think the 8yo makes me more tired than the pregnancy and the 2yo combined. Taking away privilages works often and making her bed time earlier will get her to do as she is told. Your daughter probably has things to do that she loves. Those are privilages as is dessert or "treats". My daughter responds well to the removal of those things. A.
Schedule an appointment with the pediatrician to make sure nothing is physically wrong. I would STRONGLY suggest a referral to a play therapist for your daughter. While you say that she is your biggest challenge, having a disabled sibling may be her biggest challenge. You refer to the spectrum, but depending on "where" your son falls, his behavior can range from perseverative to pretty severe.
Your daughter is becoming more aware of herself and her family. This behavior is absolutely not typical and needs to be addressed quickly and professionally. There are wonderful people in the area who are trained to help you and your daughter identify the source of the behavior. Don't ignore it, she's asking for help.
Call the county health department for a list of children's groups- there are frequently groups for children who have siblings on the spectrum. Not sure where you live, but the Anderson School in Staatsburg is a fabulous resource!
Oh the drama I am experiencing with my daughter sounds just like your situation. I am so upset about it I cannot even think rationally.
The only thing I have decided to do is maintain more structure for my daughter. For instance, a chore chart, and only after her chores are completed properly, daily, will she be rewarded with the things she enjoys.
Although I have always rewarded my daughter's good behavior, she does respond well to charts (which I hate doing).
I don't know if this will help you, but just know you are not alone in this parenting struggle. Whatever you decide to do, be consistant, and follow through with what you threaten and with what you promise. And at the end of the day (even a bad one) hug her and tell her how much your love her. My best to you.
Hug her, tell her you understand she wants it, but no. NO. Don't give in, then tell her there are consequences for being rude. Don't let her turn from great kid to brat by giving in. But hug her a lot.
Does she irritate you to no end when she melts down? How do you handle YOUR emotions? Im sure you feel like having a little tantrum yourself, but you have learned how to cope with disappointment and frustration. When she is calm and happy you should discuss how she feels when she has her hissy fit. Talk to her about how she can avoid getting so frustrated, counting to 10, thinking of a funny story, etc. She knows by now that the screaming will not get her what she wants, but cant control herself. Perhaps you can come up with a key word or phrase that will stop the escalating behavior. Make the phrase something funny not threatening. "pink elephants in ballet shoes" whatever makes her giggle.
Just think, soon she will be 11 and have PMS. Arent you lucky?? "Thank HEAVEN for little girls"
