6 Year Old Son Acts Socially Immature but Is Above Average in School

All of this sounds perfectly normal for the age.

I would not hold him back. Boredom breeds misbehavior.

I cannot speak to whether or not it is completely within the range of normal. But I would not recommend keeping him in kindergarten next year. He is academically ready. And he is well within the proper age range.

I would suggest you consult with his pediatrician about whether his behavior is consistent with his age and is age appropriate or not. And go from there with whatever feedback you get. If there is something that needs addressing, holding him back another year when he is above average academically already, isn't going to solve it. But it may make him misbehave, b/c he will be bored out of his mind.

He's pretty normal for this age.
Not a lot of 6 yr olds do well at team sports - it's a lot of hurry up and then wait for something to happen and they get pretty bored with the waiting.
This is no reason to hold him back at school.
Let him do things where he can ENJOY the social outings with some friends and not worry about when to kick or hit or dribble or chase a ball in a given direction.
Have him join a Cub scout troup for a few years and stop with the team sports for now.
We didn't start our son on taekwondo till he was in 2nd grade - he was ready for it then - he could listen to instructions and wait his turn patiently for kicking practice.
What he did at 6 was have a lot of unstructured play time at playgrounds.or Chuck E Cheese.

Hi L.,

He sounds like my second child. She's 18 now and turned out great! Kids mature differently. They have different perspectives. We actually homeschooled both my girls and I determined that all kids learn differently and mature at different stages. Keep giving him positive reinforcement. Find out what he loves and encourage it. The long term issues with whether a kid graduates high school at 16 or 19 doesn't effect enough to matter in the long term. Jonathan Linvale who is who I would name as the leader/founder of the present day homeschooling movement has said that boys shouldn't be expected to sit and learn until they are nine years old...it's not in their nature. All of his children went to Ivy League schools on scholarships..

Hope this is encouraging.

Regards,
M.

As others note, normal, but I'd add:

You don't mention whether, or if, you are working with his K teacher so that you are informed every day exactly what he's doing that gets him into trouble, and so you can have discipline that is consistent with whatever she uses in the classroom as well. He needs to know that teacher and parent DO communicate and that you know each day exactly what he's doing -- positive and negative. Praise him a lot for all positive behaviors at school and at home.

You need to be consistent in whatever discipline you use. You mention that "we've tried several" things as consequences; you need to try just one, and stick to it very consistently, and be absolutely sure it is a consequence that really matters to him; for instance, if taking away a favorite toy or game doesn't seem to bother him at all, that's not an effective discipline, but taking away all screen time for a serious period of time might work far better. Just an example -- this depends on the kid and on your knowing what REALLY will motivate him.

I also agree with the poster who said to remove him from team sports. He is not at all ready for that and will end up labeled by exasperated parents as the kid who shouldn't be there. If he actually pays attention in art class -- you say that's been a constant; does he listen better there, focus more? -- then keep that up, even increase it.

How are you and your husband reacting when "he cares and it's a disaster or he doesn't care and it's a disaster" etc.? Sit down and review how the adults in his life react -- anything other than utter coolness will fuel his fire and make him more emotional; this is another good reason to remove him from team sports right now and for a while to come. (And be realistic about the fact that some kids are never cut out for team sports and that is perfectly fine; they have other things they prefer! Pressure to play in a group may not be for him.)

As for holding him back, this is where you and the teacher for K and if possible the school counselor and the first grade teaching team should all be meeting and talking extensively and ASAP -- if not, why not? They are the best judges of whether he is ready to move to first. First is much more like second was when we were kids, just as K is more like first grade now; kids simply must be readier to move along faster, not just academically -- they have to be able to deal with other kids, do things in a group as assigned, and move from one activity to another when told to do so, and without melting down about having to stop doing something they like. Without those skills he will have a tough time no matter how academically smart he is. I agree that bored kids get into more trouble and misbehave more, but kids who can't follow directions or settle down into a group by first (and certainly by second or third) will find their academics suffering. It's a tough call so please, please spend some real time with the teachers and counselor and see what they observe. They may say it's all typical and he'll mature a lot over the summer and be fine in first. But ask.

Regarding summer-- be sure he is in structured activities some of the time and consistently so that he continues to have to be around other kids, play in groups, and listen to adults who are not mom or dad. If he does nothing but hang out or play with best buddies he already knows over the summer, he may find starting school in fall is a shock to the system and be right back at square one in terms of how he acts with other kids and whether he listens to teachers, etc. I'm not saying schedule every second all summer, but I do think that some form of activities will keep him practicing the skills you're concerned about.

Eh. Somewhat normal.
I remember the first years of baseball--kids digging in the dirt, swatting bugs, etc. aware of the "game" but being more hyped up to be with friends...
Is he disruptive? Then pull him.
He'll mature at his own pace.
Maybe try an individual sport to work in focus? Martial arts? Golf? Gymnastics?

I really liked Leigh's answer, and want to add a little to it.

We have a newly-seven year old boy who is also a little socially immature. Doesn't really clue into social cues (like still talking at someone while they are walking away); some days, he has a harder time following the group along through the daily transitions in class time, some days, he seems prone to not listening and tuning the teacher out. Since he was very young, we've seen some behaviors which are likely linked to some vision issues as well as recently identified central auditory processing issues (CAPD; we are addressing this).

What we have found to work is to convey clear consistent expectations. While some would argue that any 'at home' consequence undermines the teacher's authority, from my perspective, my assigning a consequence at home for poor behavior only further supports the teacher by conveying to my son that we ALL believe that he can meet the social expectations of being at school and listening to the teacher. For our son, he knows that if I receive a poor report from the teacher, there are NO privileges that evening (computer game, tv time); if it's two days in a row, ditto, and he loses his Legos (big time currency item) and has to receive a good report to earn them back.

In regard to sports: we would have waited until next year, but a bullying situation helped us decide to get Kiddo started in a judo class. We can see that he is a little 'slow' on the take in that class, but have been keeping the Sensei informed and are seeing progress. Kiddo is enjoying himself and gaining confidence from his new skills, and the bullying has abated for now. (Unclear if the two are related, we are just feeling grateful for this new season.)

In kindergarten, we did experience the same "I can't" frustration when things were challenging. For most of those, we learned that staying very emotionally neutral and handing the problem back to him was helpful. Not a fast runner? "Well, if you want to be a fast runner, you have to practice your running. Would you like some help with that?" We didn't try to help him feel better about not being able to do something, just tried to help him put it in perspective: either it was important enough to him to practice to get better, or hey, it's not that important to you, so lets move on. Only with homework and various therapies have I insisted that we keep working on things which feel 'hard', so all that to say, I really try to prioritize what we put our adult energies into.

I think some of this is normal, but I also understand why you are concerned. It's hard to see our kids, who do so well in some areas, so much at a loss in others. There are some days when I have to just take a deep breath and remember that soon enough, he'll be telling ME to 'be serious, mom' and not sharing those feelings as readily. So, I try not to dismiss any of this, just try to prioritize and remember that as long as we are actively supporting his teachers and creating a loving, consistent structure for Kiddo so life feels predictable and good for him, that's the best I can do. Good luck, L.!

He's young. Don't overthink this. Keep working on his impulse control. He won't be a soccer star. He likes to socialize more than play sports. The other kids will live. When he complains, ignore and/or redirect it. It's not a "disaster" if he gives up or has a fit.

One thing I learned after raising my kids is that most of this stuff is small stuff, and I didn't need to fret over it as much as I did. They are who they are, and most of what you do won't change that. Just calmly guide him and love him, and he will become the best self that he was meant to be. It will be an ongoing process until he reaches adulthood. (And brains don't fully mature until 25.)

Yes, it's probably immaturity and it's normal, imo.

Hi L.,
Good to hear your son's academics are up to speed, but the behavioral issues you are describing have a lot to do with self-regulation (or as the brain researchers call it- executive functioning). Self-regulation is the ability to get along with others, know how to wait your turn, remember different rules for different situations, and more. Working memory is also part of executive functioning. Both of these areas can have a negative or positive impact on socialization as well as learning. Your little guy only has so much working me memory and when that runs out, he defaults to the easiest behavior. And sometimes this behavior can be inappropriate.

The behavior you describe along with your comments regarding the complaining lead me to believe the above described areas may need development. There are many, many things both you and the teachers can do to help your son. The simplest is the use of an external mediator. This is something your child can hold or say (private speech) to help him remember whether it be rules for playing a game or how to behave.

For example: the teacher asks the class to do buddy reading. One child will read his book aloud and the other will listen, then they will switch roles. A mediator in this example could be 2 pieces of paper- one has lips drawn on it , the other ears. You son will hold the ears paper while his partner reads aloud (she is holding the lips). This little piece of paper should be all he needs to remind him of the rules, his role, and the fact that his only job right now is to listen. The paper also tells him he is to wait his turn.

I've used this with 4 year olds and it works like a dream. I've also used it with older children who lack self-regulation. A mediator can be anything that, without constant reminder, clues the child into his role for that activity. It can be used in sports, at home, at school, at a birthday party. It is highly successful and saves the adults the need to constantly remind the child what to do. Independence begins to be fostered and social situations are less stressful.

There are many other ways to foster self-regulation so let me know if you have further questions.
G. ~ On the Road to Reading

Everything Leigh said. Holding a child back who is already academically strong will set things up for bad behavior. Talk to and work with the teacher on the behavior thing. He's not ready for team sports, whic is fine. He may never be into that which is also fine.

School is not going to teach him impulse control.

You might want to check out social stories to,teach him expectations. If he's a visual learner, that might help him "get it" more than just talking about it.

How much more will he act out when he's doing simple kindergarten stuff over?

Kids all mature in First and Second grade, they enter their latency period. They stay in that stage until they start more of an abstract thought stage and then into adolescence.

I truly do believe that kids need NO consequences at home for their actions at school. I think the teacher needs to have her own authority and the right to that discipline. By punishing him at home you're only robbing that teacher of her authority. You're basically telling your son that you are his boss at school too.

Kids need to leave school at school for the most part. They need a fresh start when they come home not more punishment.

I have 3 boys (8, 6, and 3). I don't think holding him back is the answer. If anything, sticking him in with a bunch of new 5 year-olds will give him an opportunity to continue his immature behavior. I think he should stay with his peers and work on following expectations. Our oldest was the youngest in his class. He also had some behavior issues in kindergarten. His teacher was amazing and worked with us on expectations. He really matured a lot in 1st and 2nd. He is now in 3rd and is great. He still gets in trouble occasionally, but he's matured a lot. My kindergartner was 6 in March. He is not the goofiest in his class--by far! Maybe it's a middle child thing? The couple that are really goofy are either the youngest in their family or the oldest.

My 8 year old get in trouble (at home) when he's bored! If I give him responsibility, he really steps up! Does your son have chores? Does he have structure? My 8 year old thrives on structure. We have a schedule after school for chores, h/w, play time, etc. He does so well when we follow it.

Are you sure you're not talking about my daughter?

Last year in Kinder, this was her exactly. Bright and academically on track and above, but socially lacking. Not lacking in basic manners but more wanting to do what SHE wanted to do and always on "play" mode.

She's gotten so much better this year and she's in 1st. She still slips up from time to time, we've been sticking with small daily rewards for good days and big rewards at the end of the week for full good weeks. We've also made the consequences for "off" days more serious. I've also began playing board games and doing "taking turn" play last summer before 1st grade. This helped her learn to follow rules and to focus on what's happening around her.

I hope this helps.

He is six. I wish school was the same as when we were kids. Kinder was for learning social behavior and rules. Now they expect the kids to sit still and be adults. They are kids.

This all sounds like so much pressure to me. He is only six, and has to sit in school all day. Then you have him in structured activities where he has to play by the rules. And if he isn't so good at social situations, it probably just feels like more work to him. If I were you, I would provide him with lots of unstructured play when he's not at school. Let him play outside, with kids in the neighborhood, or arrange some play dates. But no agenda, no rules to follow, no planned activities, just let the kids run and play and be kids. If you google, studies have been done that show this is the best way for kids to learn at this age--the American education system, and our culture, have it all wrong. Play-based learning is the best way for kids under age 8 to learn.

I agree that most of this behavior seems fairly normal. I think a March birthday is young for K but not that young, not young enough to hold him back, in my opinion. ( think holding back isn't a great idea for a multitude of other reasons too)

I think you seem to have a good handle on his social activities and I think it's a really good idea to make sure he's not doing more than one (or two) things at a time. That will help with everything else to just make sure he isn't over stimulated, over tired, etc.

As far as his participation in those activities, my son is VERY similar to this (he's only 4 but I worry he won't outgrow it) and what we decided is that we let him sign up for these things after discussing expectations for this activity. When we arrive he can participate or he can sit in his chair and support his team. It's one or the other. There is no running around, doing what he wants, playing, etc. He spends a lot of time sitting some days…and that's okay. It truly isn't what I want, I cringe inside and just wish he would participate, but really, I'm okay with it. I hope that eventually he will figure it out.

As far as consequences at home and at school…hmmm….I have very mixed feelings on this as well. I am a former 3rd grade teacher and yes of course I want parents to support me at school…BUT, I feel like you're not giving him much of a chance if he's in trouble at school all day and then comes home to more trouble. He's not getting a break and it might make him feel like everyone is ganging up on him. I would address the school issues and maybe do some practicing of some kind whenever you can with those issues at home, but I'm not so sure I would punish him every time he comes home with a bad report…especially because that doesn't seem to be working.

If he's having the same issues at home then yes, absolutely come up with some sort of behavior chart or something, but maybe start by making it separate than the school issues and just focus at home. He has to feel safe at home and feel like he has your support too.

My son is 6 and has some of these tendencies. I'm a firm disciplinarian though, so my consequences were always very tough for goofing off in classes. I only sign him up for what I can manage, and it's not up to him. Of course it's based on what he loves and is good at, and what I feel is valuable, but I won't just sign up for something because he asks, because he would do EVERYTHING. My son is also super rambunctious and loves to cause mischief, but again, I'll put the CLAMP down if he gets annoying to people.

What have your consequences been? Are you sure they're firm enough if they don't bother him? That seems odd if they are very firm.

My son gets frustrated at times if he doesn't do something well right away, again, I just enforce sportsmanship and not throwing fits when he needs work. The impulse is normal for 6 though.

Without knowing what your discipline has been it's hard to tell if his lack of maturity is normal or not. Boys can be VERY DIFFICULT and some consequences are way too soft to effect change and that is normal.

If he really doesn't try AT ALL in an activity, or is disruptive to others, it's fine to pull him and put him in later. You're the boss and he's old enough to understand it's not playtime, so he'll be put back in class when he's ready to take it seriously. Sometimes delayed gratification and earned privileges like classes are best. Plus, if he really doesn't care about it and just wants to play, it may not be his thing. Let him play and put him in serious stuff in a year or so.

One of the best kids in my son's Taekwondo studio is 9. He's super competitive and hard-working. I just found out from his mom she pulled him when he was about 7 for a year because he was acting up and taking it for granted. She didn't let him back into class until he proved it was important to him through some other achievements, and now he's a great student.

My humble opinion is that he does't need activities constantly in addition to school social time. My son takes piano and TKD, but he is focused in both and we were homeschooling most of the year. Now he's in school all day and I would certainly pull him if he wasn't behaving. Actually I'm pulling him for TKD for summer because I can't handle moving and taking him 4 days per week, but I'm hoping the free time will do him good, not harm, and that he'll be super eager to get back to it after his break. Kids today are so over-scheduled, I think it's fine to just let them be. Put him in when he's a little more mature if increasing discipline doesn't seem right to you.

I LOVE, LOVE Leigh and Nervy Girl responses.....