Poor Behavior at School

H.,

I don't have any advice (looking forward to others) however I wanted to say that I'm right there with you - kind of. My 5 year old is doing great at school but at home she drives me crazy - not listening, having to tell her repeatedly to do or not do something and the arguing with me as to why she should or should not. On top of the holidays and other events, it's really wearing me out.

Okay well he's 6 and in Kindergarten.
Kids this age are not mature.
However, in a school setting, there are rules and kids need to learn how.... to behave in, school.

Also in school, there are other kids. And the vibes and dynamics of the kids, PLUS in conjunction with kids who are tired/hungry/fussy and other distractions etc., it just feeds off on other kids.
However, again, kids need to learn how to behave.
AND certain kids, DO know how, but still misbehave. Knowingly.

I work at an elementary school.
All schools, have rules.
And in a classroom full of Kindergarteners... well, even 1 kid being errant... can and does, affect the rest... of... the .... class.
So that is also why... Teachers, have to, do something about it.
Other kids also go home and tell their parents, what kid makes trouble etc. and how it is irritating etc., then the parent goes and asks the Teacher about it and then, if a Teacher is not managing her classroom, in a manner that 'pleases' the parent... the parent may get irked and complain... about the Teacher, and/or with a classroom that is disruptive.
So, it is a domino, effect.
And it happens, every day.

Make sure your son is well rested and gets enough sleep.
Make sure he is... eating lunch.
MANY kids, do not eat lunch. Why? Because, they are TOO busy.... fooling around, at lunch time in the cafeteria. And then, it bothers other kids who then cannot eat... either. And it becomes just one pile of trouble. For the other students as well.
I know. I see it everyday, per kids who fuss around and lunch and bother the other kids.

Punishing him at home, is not necessarily going to solve it.
The school, per whatever their approach is, has to manage him, as well.
Because, it is a classroom and school disruption.

I see even 5th graders acting this way.
And let me tell you, by this age, there is no excuse for behavior like that.
And other students, complain... about those kids too, who make trouble.

Schools have rules.
Just like anything else in life, and even once we become adults, in an office.

Sure your son is young.
But, at some point, hopefully, he will even out.

You've probably already tried this, or a variant of it, but with my son (who's just a little older than yours) I've gotten good results from saying "We have a problem. Let's talk about some ways to solve it."

Then, I try really hard to let the solution be my son's idea. Sometimes he comes up with great solutions on his own; sometimes I have to sort of steer him in the direction of something realistic.

Then, once we've got a solution, I do try to hammer it home. Lots of "Okay, so when X happens, what's the plan?" -- that kind of thing.

In general, if my son thinks of the solution as something he thought of, that's his, he does much, much better than if it's something I sort of hand down from on high -- as a "thou shalt."

I truly think you need to put this back on the school. Your child is not acting out at home so your punishment is not logical. Of course you want to address it BUT BUT BUT his teacher is his boss at school, NOT you. SO you have to make her manage this. It's HER job to find a way to do this, it's not your job.

As long as YOU take away that teachers authority to manage this you undermine her effectiveness in her classroom, in her relationship with your son, and you basically tell your child he doesn't have to mind the teacher, with YOUR actions, so you have to stop and tell the teacher she is going to have to handle this.

By taking this home and dealing with it there you are robbing him and his teacher of finding a way out of their issue. So please stop. The school needs to be in control of his stuff at school.

I've got some take heart kind of advice. Our DS (3) was acting out at home and a complete angel at school. We sought a behavioral psych to help us with our parenting skills. He advised that we take heart. the fact that, in our case, our kid could behave well at school, albiet not at home, meant that he was capable of behaving and self control. It took some weeks of extra attention with him, child led play, compliance training, positive reinforcement, and consistent time outs to get the behaviour to come around.

Best to you and yours,
F. B.

I would talk to your pedi about this issue. It may be a phase or it could be a number of other issues. My sister became deaf in one ear and her 'not listening' as really not being able to hear. My son is dyslexic, his fidgeting was frustration. My BIL is ADD and he needed guidance in how to fidget constructively.

Like I said, it could be normal 6 yr old behavior. But if it's not, the younger you address it, the easier it will be.

You have gotten some good advice but I wanted to add:

You say he's on green with the classroom teacher -- so his classroom behavior is OK. Correct? The issue is when he's in school but not in the classroom -- in the cafeteria and in music class. I have seen this kind of pattern before, believe me. Some kids are fine under the authority of the classroom teacher whom they see most of the day, but once they are in other settings, with other adults, they lose their focus.

The causes can be many: The feeling that they are no longer with the adult they must please, so they cut loose; the feeling that music class (for instance, or art time, or gym) are not really "classes" where they must do as they're told; the feeling that the cafeteria aide is not a "real teacher" and therefore not someone to whom they must listen (until the aide gets right in their faces, or calls in reinforcements like the teacher). There's also the need to wiggle and move around that naturally hits them during the day but which they know they have to rein in while in Mrs. X's class.

I am not saying your son is intentionally thinking these things -- he's not sitting there pondering, "How wiggly can I be in music? Because it's not a real class!" and so on. He just knows that it's Not My Teacher and it's possibly also more relaxed, more fun (hey, most music teachers do want it to be fun!) in these other settings. Do you get the picture? He's OK with the classroom teacher but is choosing to BE more "relaxed" when it's not her classroom.

It might help to talk with him about how all of school is still school and the expectations for his behavior are the same in music or art or gym as they are in Mrs. X's room doing math or reading. (This is also something to discuss with the teacher -- I'd ask her if he seems to let his guard down and misbehave when he's in "specials" classes and the cafeteria. That would be entirely normal at this age, believe me.) Older kids have some of the same issues -- the class in my daughter's fifth and sixth grade years with the most issues was music, followed by art, because some kids truly did not think these subjects were "real" enough for them to behave properly and respect the teachers.

It's hard to know where and how to discipline at home for behaviors that take place at school. I agree with others who note that the teachers, not you, are his boss during the school day, and need to be able to deal with him. But at the same time I feel that kids truly need to know and understand that what they do at school, mom and dad DO know all about at home -- they need to grasp that their school life is not some totally separate thing, and that their parents and teachers are indeed talking about their behavior. I would ask the teacher if she thinks it's effective to disclipine at home for actions at school and if so -- what she recommends. I would let him know that if the teacher has to contact you about behavior (which means, to me, that the behavior has gone beyond what the teacher is williing to handle without comment), then yes, he will be disciplined at home for that behavior. Otherwise I'd leave it to the teachers.

Maybe I'm seeing something different in what I am reading, but it seems to me that your son does choose to control himself most of the time at school. I say 'choose' because he does seem to have good days along with total loss of control days.

I happen to be a more old-school mom. My son is six and in first grade. I also spend quite a bit of time in the school and see how this sort of behavior is very, very disruptive to the other kids and the teacher.

Our expectation for our son is that he listens to his teacher, follows directions, and follows the class rules. Unlike the popular opinion of 'let the teacher handle it', I think that when it comes to willfully not minding, the reasonable way to support the teacher is to augment that expectation at home. Therefore, were it my kid in this situation, there would be a loss of privileges at home. Any playdate that afternoon would be cancelled and there would be no TV/media time at home or another loss of privilege. When you are making problems for the teacher and classmates, that's a problem for US as your parents.

If I were having a long-term problem with this, then his currency item (whatever a child values most-- tv/video games, Legos, favorite toy) would be 'earned' each afternoon that we had a good report from the teacher. If there were problems, that item would be held back for that day. The idea is that we keep the consequence to that one day.

Self-regulation is so important at school. Some kids have more challenges; it might be worth your time to ask if there would be some in-class therapies he might use to help him if he happens to be sensory-seeking. Sometimes, having a little flex ball to squeeze might help more active kids, or some other way to release that energy. The teacher might ask the special ed staff if they have any recommendations.

It's good that you are addressing this sooner than later. Some kids in my son's class are 'sensory' kids and have a harder time controlling their impulses. I have noticed, though, that some of the acting out is also just plain disruptive misbehavior, too. As parents, it's our job to hold our kids accountable for what we know they CAN do. As you are seeing from the other days, your son CAN regulate himself when he chooses to do so. If you don't feel that he needs an evaluation for sensory issues, then I'd say keep holding those expectations up for him, and be matter-of-fact about it. It will get better, so long as our kids know that WE at home also expect them to follow the rules and directions at school. There's no reason for them not to. And keeping them accountable will support the teacher, too. Your son will be getting the same message from everyone who cares about him.

If you google how to get my kindergartner to behave in school you will see there are 1000s of other parents asking the same question.
With mine, I remind her often to use her words at home, and I use a lot of the distraction technique. When she's getting fidgety in school she now knows how to find things to occupy herself-counting tiles quietly, looking around the room and thinking about what letters objects start with.
But really, it's kindergarten. He will learn. Get a few books from the library about the topic-some for you and some for him.
And make sure he's getting plenty of time to shake his sillies out at home. It's a shame for our kids that they can not just roam and run around the
neighborhoods like we did.

I would just keep doing what you are doing and not get too exercised over this. Six is still very young and kids are still learning how to behave in that environment. My GD had a really hard time with behavior in kindergarten and 1st grade and then over the summer before 2nd grade really matured. We haven't had a problem since. I really think it's just a matter of maturity, but I also think that he needs to know that there is a consequence at home for bad behavior at school. If you leave it to the school, like others have suggested, I don't think you will get the desired result. I know when I was in school, it was the fact that my mom would get a call and I would be punished at home that kept me in line. Had I thought that they would not call her or that even if they did, I would not be punished, I would have had no incentive at all to behave. I really could have cared less if I missed a recess or sat in the office. It was really no skin off my nose.

Ditto Leigh R, exactly!!!

Our youngest can be similar - his biggest problem is to tell other people what to do. He is on green most days, but last year blue (right under green) was the norm.

When school started this year, we did daily prizes. He got something fun every day when he got home if he was on green, then we moved it to a week, and a month. At the end of the week, I brought him lunch at school. And the end of the month, we went shopping for a new toy. He knew he had a goal and he met each one. He slips to blue sometimes, but corrects his behavior and comes home on green MOST of the time.

Maybe try that with your son - set small goals and rewards. Talk to the teacher and let her know your plans, so she can help keep him on track too.