5 Year Old Daughter's Crush and His Birthday Party

It's only kindergarten. They will be friends, do special things for each other, and then the next minute they both don't like each other and have moved on to the next thing. I would not worry about it at all. My son has a neighbor girl that he is friends with and he always says he's going to marry her, she says the same thing back. We parents both know it's not going to happen, so we aren't worried about it.

As far as the birthday, if you are only concerned because they "like" each other, then you should let her go to the party. However, if you are concerned because it is a pool party then you could call and talk to the mom about it. Most likely it is a heated pool and that is why they are having it. I would not just drop my kid off at a party unless the invitation specifically says "drop-off". I have found it very rude that parents just drop their kids off when that is not specified on the invitation.

When I was 5 I got married to my "boyfriend". My sister preformed the ceremony. I remember he came to my birthday party, a pool party, and gave me a necklace with an apple on it. I think I still have it. It was my first puppy love. It was nothing serious or to be concerned with. Now it is just a good memory I have. I think I had a new crush within a few months. My sister did tease me at my real wedding though.
I don't know if that helps you at all. Good luck.

Stop worrying over the fact that they have crushes on each other. Five year old crushes don't mean anything. Kids love SO fast and easy - for a 5 year old, it means that they are friends. They play together? Good for them! I think it's great when little girls and little boys can play together.

As for the birthday party - call the other mother and ask questions. Express your concerns.....TALK to her! Maybe this little boy doesn't really have other friends at school and that's why only your daughter is invited.

Ask questions about the fact that you live in Colorado and it's November. Ask why a pool party; is the pool heated; are there alternative plans for if it's colder than planned?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. My oldest daughter played with boys when she was 5. Our neighbors were twin boys - one wanted to marry my daughter. It's a phase and they grow out of it.

I can't help but wonder if you're reading too much into this. Would you be this concerned if her best friend were a girl? The behavior you describe - exchanging pictures, playing together at recess... this is all normal. As for the "wanting to marry him when she grows up" - I'd still use their behavior with each other as my guide, rather than such declarations. From what I've seen, it is not unusual for little girls of this age to declare that they want to marry their first close male friend. I'd let her know that 5 years old is too young to be thinking about whom you're going to marry, and that if she still feels the same way when she's 20, you'll talk more. If you think it necessary, you could outline for her how friends behave with friends. Then leave it alone, unless their behavior gives you reason to re-address the issue.

As for the birthday party (and, again, thinking of these two as friends) - so what if she's the only child from the class he has invited? Possibly she is the only child he has connected with so far. Why not at least consider going with your daughter to the party, giving her, and yourself, a chance to make some new friends? I agree that the idea of a pool party is a bit daft, but given the forecast, I think that the boy's mom will probably need to adjust her plans, anyhow.

It doesn't sound serious to me...I wouldn't make a big deal out of it or you might make things worse. When I was 4 I swore I was going to marry a neighbor boy who was way older than me. As I grew up, we never even talked to the boy anymore. My daughter is 3 and has gotten pictures from boys that like her and she says she's going to marry one of them and she went to his birthday party (the only one from the preschool class he invited) and she's fine. If you want her to focus more on other kids, maybe invite one of the girls she used to play with over to your house so she remembers how much fun that friend is. And I would let her go to the party...kids are pretty quick to make friends with others, so her not knowing anyone else at the party probably won't be an issue. But stay with her, just in case. That way, if something makes you uncomfortable, you can make your excuses and leave. You don't have to stay long, but not allowing her to go will just make her upset and she might wonder why she's being "punished" and what she did wrong.

When I was in kindergarten a boy and I totally had a crush on eachother. We sat next to eachother in class and I remember marching up to my mom and older sister one day after school and proclaiming "I love Charles and one day we are going to get married!" And I was SO MAD when my mom and sister burst out laughing and told me it was just puppy-love. I said "NO, its the REAL THING!!!" and stomped away. Charles even had his older sister make me an engagement ring out of pipecleaners!! I wore it proudly until it fell in the toilet one day when I went to wipe - I was DEVASTATED but didn't see any other option than to flush it down. After that I kissed him on the cheek once, and then after that he started kissing me on the cheek ALL THE TIME during class and the teacher started having to move him away from me. I got annoyed by his trying to kiss me so much and I think that's when my crush faded. Though, it wasn't until the beginning of second grade (and really we didn't even hang out at recess or anything in first grade so it had been over for a long time. I think he ended up in another class from me and had developed a crush on another boy in my own class who hadn't been in kindergarten) but, I remember telling him "Charles, It's over, I'm breaking up with you!" and he looked at me and literally put him hand over his heart and said so dramatically "K., you broke my heart!" After that we like never talked to eachother again, even though we lived in the same town. When I was a Junior or Senior in HS we were on the same bus home and I remember bringing up that we were engaged when we were little nd laughing about it...funny part is that he didn't even remember it and swears I was making it up! LOL! My other crush that I had developed in first grade lasted until 7th grade or so, but he was "popular" and I was shy and and I never did anything but wish from afar.

So, I share this story to give you a smile and to show you that crushes like these really are not something to stress over. Its somethign that your daughter probably sees as being of life or death importance, but when she enters forst grade and meets the other kids in her class she'll probably forget all about him. And she may not even remember it when they grow up!

You would make her LIFE if you let her go to the party, and probably "destroy it" in her eyes if you don't let her go. If you will be there supervising, what is the big deal? The pool is probably an indoor pool or they probably wouldnt be holding the pool party. Who would hold an outdorr pool party for little kids in 45 degree weather? That just doesn't make any sense. And, if the pool is inside and she dries off fully before going outside after, there shouldn't be any harm done.

If you decide not to let her go, tell her why. Don't do what the other posted said who said "don't give her a reason"... that will just make her more frustrated and harder for her to handle the No. I would give her the reason "we don't go swimming in the winter" and then if she blurts it out at school or in front of his parents then its not a big deal because it can't came out wrong. Dont mention the boy or the crush and then there is no chance she can say something embarassing. If you have made the decision not to let her go, stick too and and hopefully she wont be too sad/whiney about it. I liked the other mom's idea of still letting her give him a gift too.

Just remember that if you let her know that her crush on this boy bothers you its only goin to make her MORE determined to continue crushing on him. If you don't make it into a big huge deal then it will most likely fade away on it's own, and probably faster than you even expect it to.
Good luck!

I guess the biggest thing if this was a girl inviting her to a party under the same circumstances. The birthday girl was the only person your daughter knew at the party, they were going swimming and your daughter can't swim and the party was on a day you were busy would you let her go. Same situation should apply.

As long as it's an indoor party and her hair is dry and she has a cap on she should be fine going swimming. I have been to a few pool birthday parties in my day and they usually consist of a swimming time followed a time of cake and ice cream and opening gifts in a seperate room. It is no different than playing games at a home party, or going roller skating, or to a place like Little Gym or Gymboree and having a party only difference is the activity is swimming.

Rather or not a child can swim for any child under the age of 8 if the child is one who does not have a history of discipline problems at home or else where if they do than until that has ended I highly recommend a parent being present at a pool party even if there are life guards. (Which if the party is at a hotel and some smaller fitness center pools is not always the case).

T.

It is so normal to have crushes like you said. They are only 5 and it is also normal to pick that one friend that you hang out with all the time. The good new is, these things are short lived, crushes go in and out. Also, the chances of them being in the same class next year is probably pretty slim as well so it will fade when they cannot be with each other every day. You may be getting worked up a bit too much.

Another way to look at it, if this boy was a girl they would write notes, only want to hang with each other, draw pictures for each other, etc. and no one would worry. Given that they are boy and girl, you just need to clarify that when you have a boy as a friend, you do not go to each others rooms together, and you do not kiss, etc. She will understand that there is a difference, tell her she is too young to have a boyfriend and just keep the wedding and boyfriends until she is older.

That being said, at 5 you have all the control and you do not need to make a federal case out of it. If you are not comfortable with her going to the party, then make plans to do something else and let her friend and his family know you have plans and cannot make it. Drop off a gift, no big deal. If she were to go to the party, then just stay there with her and monitor what is going on. It may be a pool party but I highly doubt they will be swimming unless they have an indoor pool. I am thinking it is pretty odd.

In short, just watch her, don't freak out. Kids don't identify things at this age like we do. She just loves her new friend. He is a boy so she made the natural connection to marry him when she is older. That tells me that you have a strong home life and she wants that one day with her little friend. My son at 3 is convinced that he is going to marry my best friend and follows her around constantly. They are innocent I can assure you. Just stick by her and make sure nothing funny goes on.

Some of the pro-active things you can do going forward:
- Have their teacher make sure they do not sit by each other during class
- Stay at the party if you go and offer to help out that way you can keep an eye on her and how the family is.
- Do not let them hang out in their bedrooms or worse shut the door
- Encourage good friends and nothing more.

They will be fine! Good luck!

Hello! I have 2 daughters. When my oldest DD started school last year she was the only girl in the class (of 11 including her). She immediatly had a crush and it was recprical. They drew each other pictures and called each other (maybe 2 times that year). My DH and I were nervous b/c she was only in Kindergarden, wth was going to happen for the rest of her school years. We decided to talk with her and see what she believed was appropreate right now.

She said that they liked drawing pics and playing together, but that she was never going to kiss him...well maybe in 5 years.

We felt she was just saying it because of things she had heard through friends, family, television and understood that physical stuff wasn't okay.

Towards the middle of K, 2/3 of the class had a "crush" on Emma. One boy wanted to come home with Emma one day and came home on the bus with her ( not only wrong, but possably scary as we live 20 miles from school). We understand he just wanted to come over and play, since we don't live in town made up his mind to come on the bus. Everything worked out just fine, but that was our only inappropreate happening.

Now that our youngest DD is in school, she has started saying some of the same things (crush, he's cute). The teachers know whats going on, students have been talked to in mass to tell them they need to go where they are supposed to after school unless they have a note.

Now we sort of feel like its just one of the things that happens in school. Albiet earlier than it did with us, but so much is happening before it did with us. We just need to keep talking about what is right and wrong so we can hopefully prevent any other "firsts" happening earlier.

If your that uncomfortable with it, talk with the teacher, mother of the crush and your DD and explain that you don't believe this is right.

Good luck!
J.

Lacy, you and your husband need to relax and breathe. This is normal adolescent behavior. When a child has a good relationship with someone else it is normal to say they are going to marry that other child. My daughter wanted to marry 2 boys by the age of 5. She also wanted to marry me! You are making this much bigger than it needs to be. Take it for what it is, this is your daughter's "best friend". For whatever reason, they get along and like each other. Believe me, it may not last and there will be someone taking his place shortly - whether it will be another boy or a girl instead. As for the swimming party, I can only assume it is indoor. I agree with everyone else, make the decision to go or not to go based on what you would normally do if the invitee was a girl - not based on your uncomfortable feeling of this friend being a boy.

This day in age its hard to make friends boy or girl, there is really nothing sexual about a crush in Kindergarten. I think if you are going to be at the party anyway then you should let her go. I wouldn't worry too much about the chill factor but I live in Northern Ontario, Canada and its a trifle bit colder here already and we go swimming every week... Just make sure you dry her hair when you leave the pool...
My son had a birthday party and only invited one girl from school and she came and had a great time and they are in grade 4 now. She has come to most of his parties. They just have the same interests, play the same games, read the same books... etc. They have been best friends for years and I don't see anything wrong with it. He has other friends too but she is his best friend.
Its not an obsession for 5 yr olds to have crushes, just a friendship confused as a crush by a 5 year old brain. I think everyone wants to marry their best friend when they grow up so maybe crush boy is just her best friend right now... I bet in a few weeks it will be a different boy or girl, or it could still be him and he could end up being her lifelong friend. If you are worried about them playing doctor, just keep it supervised... I agree about the phone thing too, my kids don't spend much time on the phone either. I still set up play dates for them when they were 5. I would say go for it, but I am not in your position. I don't think its a problem though. My kids are all healthy well adjusted kids and each of them has a very close, opposite sex, friend. Nothing romantic.

Good luck.

we can't always attend every social invitation we receive. if it is really making you uncomfortable just pass saying you won't be able to attend thank you so much for the invitation and your daughter can send him a birthday card.
If you are comfortable going and staying for the duration, fine but you are the parents and she is your daughter and you have to go with what is comfortable for you as parents. You have instincts as parents and you will know what you need to do. sometimes the best answers are not the easiest. I don't think you need to say anything to his parents when you RSVP other than that you won't be able to make it that day.

you don't have to take her to the party just because she wants to go. you just tell her, sorry, we won't be able to do this party. you don't have to tell her your reasons, and probably it's best that you don't because sometimes the things we say can sound rude when repeated by our kindergarteners. you can even offer to let her get him a gift and give it to him after school when you pick her up. my son has had a crush on the neighbor girl for years. at times i thought his desire to play with her and call her on the phone was a little obsessive, but i just kept the same rules i would give him with any friend and tried not to be annoyed that he talked about her every day for a while. her father, however, did set up the rule that she is not to wrestle with boys, so i uphold that rule when they are together to respect her parents. he never asked me not to let them wrestle, he just told his daughter in my earshot once or twice and i caught on. so you may not have to be confrontational about any of this. good luck!

he could have sex with her in the pool. you should NOT let her go.
i never had a crush in kindergarden.

you should be worried about how much your daughter is fixating on this boy too, since it seems that feelings are reciprocated on both sides, but first, chill out. the kids are five years old. the worst that can happen is hand holding and maybe an innocent kiss. i have a five year old daughter going through something similiar. and make an effort to at least get to know this boy and his parents before your start to worry about things that don't really need your attention yet

Well I think that it is just one of those little crushes, that the two will just grow out of in time. But for the moment, just talk to the parents and let them know your concerns on the situation. About the birthday party, I think you should let her go, give her some time with her friends, but if it would make you feel more comfortable, ask if you could spend the durationg there, and help chaperone. :D

Everyone has said not to worry, that this is just a friend, and I agree. BUT, you really have to change your approach and attitude about it. If you make this into more than it is, you will be shaping your relationship with your daughter for all her future feelings and relationships. Don't tease, don't call him her boyfriend, or even her crush, and don't overreact. Just refer to him as her friend, or his name.
If you would attend this party if it was a girl friend, then go. You can meet his parents, meet him and get a feel for their real relationship, and how they interact with each other.
Just think of the fact that there are many girl friends that get really obsessed with each other too. They spend all their time together talk on the phone constantly and are inseparable. At 5, that is all this is.

Don't worry about the crush. I am a preschool teacher, and it even happens there. most of the time just totally innocent, being friends. And we have lots of kids asking for phone numbers, etc. Most of the time they just want to go play at their friends home. It is good you are talking to your daughter about what is expected as far as you are concerned.
If you are not comfortable having her go to the party, like one post said, maybe call the mom, ask her questions. If you don't feel okay with it, just let the women know she will not be able to attend. Or go with her. My only concern about the party would be that she would be with a lot of people you don't know.

It's funny how our self reference criteria shape how we all respond so differently to a similar situation.

My DD started Kinder this year too. All she plays with is boys. She has also declared several times that she's going to marry her brother when she grows up. I don't see any of it through a sexual lens of "crushes" and exclusivity. I see it as she prefers rough and tumble boys more than dainty girls. I've taken her to hold Rosie the Tarantula since she was 12 mo's old. We dig mud puddles together, go camping and make campfires. I don't scrapbook, I don't dig on infants, I prefer the company of men as they are generally more laid back than women. My DD just happens to be like me, turns out.

You can take it as the beginnings of something that adults would see as the basis of a sexual relationship -a crush- or you can take it as she prefers the company of this little boy because they have similar interests and play well together. Me, I would take it as they are compatible and play well, what more can you ask for in a friend? GL in your decision.