4.5 Year Old Doesn't Seem Bothered by Our Dog Suddenly Dying

It may take a few days for him to realize it but he is fine. When my young son lost his cat he cried a few months later and still remembers his kitty so well and he is 16 now.

No need to be concerned. My dad just passed away and my 4yr and 8yr had a wonderful close relationship with him and same thing when they see me upset they then show that they are upset and sad and miss him SO much. Kids express how they feel down the road not right away as for us adults we let everything out right away. I also had to put my dog down when my daugher was 4yr and she still remembers him 4 years later. I would let him process this in his own ways sometimes that makes it easier for you both. Good luck. Hang in there.

I honestly think sometimes children process things far better than we give them credit for. Somewhere in his mind, your son has made peace with what's happened and has moved on. It doesn't mean he lacks emotion, or feelings or sensitivity. It means his logic is probably far simpler than yours.

Case in point, my grandfather died when I was 8 years old. He had been a strong, vibrant part of my life up until a month before he died. Then, he finally told us he had leukemia, got a rotten case of pneumonia and died. I knew what death was, having lost pets before, but after my grandpa died, all I could think was that he wasn't sick anymore and that was a good thing. I went through his entire funeral wondering at everyone's tears and drama. Didn't they see how good this was, that he wasn't sick or suffering anymore? EVERYONE hassled me about not crying, not showing feelings until I was so sick of it I finally screamed, "He was SICK and NOW HE'S NOT!!! DON'T YOU ALL GET IT?!?!" And I started to cry because I was tired of being told how to feel.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that if your son has found closure, then let it go. The more you push or pick at the situation, the more you will cause your son to doubt his own abilities to cope with tough situations.

Good luck.

We all process grief differently. I remember being in elementary school when both of my grandparents past away (not at the same time) and my mom was understandably very distraught. I was close to my grandparents but I didn't cry and I wasn't really sad because I had this understanding that even though their physical body was no longer working, their spirit was still around and watching over the entire family. Maybe your son has much the same understanding as I had when I was that age.

Another thing to keep in mind is that your son doesn't have all the years of experience dealing with life and death issues that you have and therefore, is not going to process the news of your pet's passing like you are. I think adults sometimes bond on deeper levels to pets, family and friends than children do and can feel the finality of a pet's (or some other loved one's) passing that children usually do.

Just a couple of things to think about. In any event, I think you should just sit back and let him process the loss of your pet his own way. To intervene is to basically tell him how he should be feeling and how he should be reacting that may not mesh with what's natural and right for him.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved pug. Sending you and your family prayers of healing and comfort.

Let his feelings unfold in his own time. Kids need time to process, and this means different time frames for different people, and how they experienced the person or animal who died.

What you can do is find a photo of your dog and put in a frame. Make it a sort of remembrance corner or altar. Put your dog's favorite treats on it, or write letters. Model grieving for your son. Kids begin to 'sort of' understand death at this age, but they don't really know socially or emotionally what to do with it. Modeling concrete (visible, tangible) ways to process grief can help.

What I have seen in my years as a nanny is that younger children may process death even months or years later than it happens, crying over pets or people who have died. In regard to your son, don't worry. He's just processing things in his own time.

And I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dog. They are family to us, aren't they?

I don't think your son's reaction is uncommon or unusual. My philosophy, if it isn't broken, don't try to fix it. My son reacts the same way. I am just glad that he isn't having a hard time with it.

Our family dog had to be put to sleep when our son was three. I thought he was going to be devastated and read online about how to tell him. I sat him down and delicately told him Daniel had passed away. I was fighting back tears. When I was done, my son said, "Okay, can I go play now?"

I was floored! I realized then that kids don't always understand death right away. A week or so later, our son started asking where Daniel was and talked about missing him. It just wasn't the dramatic response I had anticipated. I think kids are a lot more resilient than adults and also have the benefit of not fully understanding abstract concepts like death.

At this age, a young child does not have fully developed emotions yet, nor the succinct cognizance to understand abstract connotations and nuances of it.

Children's frontal lobes are still growing and don't mature until sometime in early adulthood.

A child does not come automatically able to understand all emotions like an adult can or cannot. Nor do they 'know' the names for all of the feelings/emotions that exist, in a human. Nor how they feel.

S.H. (as usual) nailed it.

Also, children's grief cycles are different than an adult's. Often, their grief is delayed (by days, weeks, months) and when it does appear, it may manifest as anger or frustration.

Even when comparing adults, our grief looks different. I'm really great in crisis. But, I LOSE my beans when a pet dies, even if it's a pet I never bonded with. Give me a different "harder" situation, and I'll loose my appetite, will need to make lists, will feel numb and won't cry (until it's over). It's just different for different people in different situations.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Give your son room to explore (or not explore) this in his own way. Big hugs to you.

Some kids "get it" and some don't. I'd say he doesn't yet. Not a problem. When my daughter was about 5, I had to sit her down and explain to her that "sometimes people get old and sick and if they get really sick they can die. Dying means they go away, and we don't see them again except in pictures and memories". She nodded like she understood. I then told her that "grampa had been very old and very sick and that morning he had just finally been so sick his body couldn't stay alive any longer and he had died." She burst into tears! She sobbed and sobbed and I held her and rocked her, and was somewhat shocked that at this young age she seemed to grasp the concept so well! Finally she sorta stopped crying and I held her little face in my hands and asked her if she was going to be alright. She nodded and then let out a big sigh, and said, "He was my favorite grampa. I'm sure glad it wasn't my cat"...

I wouldn't be concerned. At his age, he has not learned sadness and the relationship of it. Only grown ups attach so many emotional ties to events. Children are pure energy. Death is not a bad thing. It is a process in life. So maybe your son is not yet tainted by the drama of death.

I think you should just let him be. I think he's too young to understand what exactly it means when someone/something dies. We are in a similar boat. My MIL is on the brink of death & I don't really think my 5 y.o. DD understands exactly what's going on. I have explained to her that grandma is very sick & will be going to heaven soon, & we visit her every day, and that's about as far I've taken it. I am keeping an eye on my DD to see if it's affecting her, and will answer any questions she has, but I'm not going to go into any further explanation or force anything on her.

Our cat used to sleep with my son every night. My son adored him from the time he could crawl and get his hands on him. When our cat passed, he had been sick for a few months and my son only shed a few tears and was done. In fact months later he told me to get over it, because I would still cry over missing him! A few months later we bought a beta fish for my son. My son would stare at the fish from time to time, but the interaction was definately not the same. The fish only lasted 2 months before he died and my son was devastated! In fact he just cried over the fish recently and the fish died last July!! I can't figure this one out! But I wouldn't be concerned over your sons reaction at 5 years old. If he was 10 or 12 then I think his understanding of death would be much greater and his response more of what you expect.

So sorry for your loss:(

N.

I think you are really over thinking this as if he may have a processing disorder there is no big deal in him not crying he is saying he misses him the feelings come later with maturity & understanding of dying.
All you can do is tell him the truth & that yes you are sad

I think it's normal for his age. When we gave away our dog a few years ago (it just wasn't working out for us), my son was 2.5 and didn't seem to care. My daughter was 4.5 (like your son) and she was upset for about an hour. We went out for ice cream, and then she was fine and life went on as normal. Things like that are easily forgotten at their age; once they are older they are able to understand things like that more than they do now. I'm sorry for your loss; it's always sad to lose a pet, especially suddenly.

Don't worry about it. Life, death, time, etc, all have different meanings to young children. If he gets sad about it, comfort him. If not, let him see that you are sad but are getting better. Don't make him feel like there's something wrong with him for not being sad - feelings come when they come.

i'm so sorry about your loss...our dogs are very much a part of the family, aren't they? i call my sweet litlte girl (rat terrier) my first born. it's bad, but there's prob not a day that goes by that i don't worry about that happening to us what happened to you. my son's not quite to your son's age, so idk about that part, just wanted to share my condolences. i'm so sorry... :(
i can really relate to that love of our other children

What exactly do you think he needs to grasp and how is he not in your opinion, grasping it appropriately? His reaction seems very age appropriate to me, and I think you are projecting to much meaning over this. Also, children internalize feelings a lot more than we tend to give them credit for.

The pet bird was a few months ago and the pet dog was just today... so the bird is out of his mind and the dog may not fully be processed yet. It sounds like you as the parents are having a hard time consoling over this. I worked at a vet and have dealt with many animal owners grieving over their pet's death. Perhaps you need to get some grief help here. At this point, let your child alone on the matter, young children don't process these things with the same emotional attachment or in the same time frame that adults do. Or, they do but they aren't capable of showing it how we would think.

Honestly, I remember very clearly when our dog died and I was about 4. My brother was 6. He cried and cried and cried and obviously was devastated by it. I remember not crying at all. I played with the dog as much as my brother did, but I just don't think I understood death at that point. Now, if our pets are even sick, I cry. So, I think everything will turn out fine.

Good luck,
L.

C.,
Death is a hard concept for adults much less for children and some people form attachment to things more than others. I think I would ask if he show empathy for others in other ways. Is he concerned if someone gets hurt or is sad? Was he attached to the dog? You might check with with your pedi just to make sure this is normal. I have 7 kids and 13 grand kids. Most of them are huge animal lovers but my sons family just lost their lab and he was the one who was not very emotional.

On a side note we had a Pug die the same way. She was dead in her crate the next morning. It took us a year and we finally got another one. When you are ready contact DFW Pug rescue they are a wonderful organization that helps lots of Pugs. Our Pug Lacie is the joy of our lives and she was a rescue.
Sorry for your loss.
N. Cox

He doesn't truly get it. He's way too young. I taught first grade (6 year olds) and the janitor died in one of the classrooms. I had to break the news to them. I had 23 little kids asking me what happened to their janitor? Where was she? I sat down on a desk, took a deep breath and told them that she had passed away. I asked them if they understood what that meant. One said "she died"? I said yes. One said "is she in Heaven?" (Of course I said yes). Then the room got silent as I thought they were processing it. A few moments later one of them asked when she would be coming back. They all looked at me expectantly.

You are obviously closer to the dog than your child and you are wanting to see your child as upset as you are. 4 is pretty young yet to understand the concept of deep love for a pet. I dont think there is anything deeply emotionally wrong with him not getting too freaked out about it. If he was 6 or 7 you would probably see a different reaction.