4 Yr Old Daughter Telling Me What to Wear and Where to Go...

I read this a little differently than some of the others. It seems to me you did not say you were giving in to her tantrums, I think you are annoyed with her tantrums, and the reason that she has tantrums is because you do say NO. Seriously who lets their 4 year old make driving decisions or choose what they wear to work? Anyway I don't have any very good solutions for tantrums. I wish I did. I ignore my daughter when she has them but they certainly are disruptive and irritating.

Maybe try picking out a few things you want to wear, then ask her opinion about which she likes better, she'll still be involved, but in a more realistic way. Otherwise, you're probably going to have to let her cry it out or risk going to the grocery store in a tutu! As for the driving... that's a tough one... earplugs maybe?

One of the responses I read triggered an idea, and I will be the first to say I have never raised a 4 year old daughter so this may not work. What if you gave her a map and sat down with her and taught her how to read it and then when you were in the car she could read the map to you. She is still involved and respected but not a pest. I also like the idea of multiple outfits and she picks out one. Offer it up like a compromise. Just a thought!

I think some of the moms are being overly harsh and critical here. Don't we all do something that we'd advise someone else not to do as a parent sometimes? In the middle of the situation it's not as easy to see a clear way out of it. We've all had or done something in our lives as parents that someone else thinks is stupid or wrong or inappropriate, so let's try not to judge and point that out when someone's reaching out and asking for our help. We're moms and we're women. Let's support each other and give another mom a break now & then. So G.....of course you're the adult, and you don't need to negotiate your life and your decisions and your driving with a preschooler. But look at the bright side - she pays attention to the details, she knows her directions, and she has strong opinions. She's becoming independent and in struggling to do that, she wants more control. That's normal. Especially for a girl. I think you should ignore the crying and the tantrums. What you say goes, and now is a good age to enforce that, but that doesn't mean she can't be a part of things in your daily life. Just announce things to her, and get her involved. "I'm wearing my black slip-on shoes today...will you please get them for me?" Or "I'm going to wear my red shirt today, what color are you wearing?" And ask her if she remembers what color she wore yesterday or the day before. When you leave the house, tell her, "We're going to Target. It's right, then straight at the stop sign, then right at yellow house, then left at the light. Can you remember that for me?" Or tell her to draw the map on a Magna Doodle while you drive and have her show it to you when you get there. She wants to be involved and she wants to feel big. Give her jobs around the house or a portion of your daily list or shopping list to help with or just to remember. She's craving more responsibility, but can't convey that to you. She just wants to have some control. Her wanting to control you just means she's capable of doing more than she is now, so challenge her. My pediatrician said that by age 4, a girl can handle 4 regular chores. We set up a system around that time. She had basic things to do like put dirty clothes in the hamper, unload the bottom rack of the dishwasher and hand them to me or help put the silverware away, feed the cats, and clear the table or wipe it down after meals (with a washcloth and spray bottle of water). Every year, we add another job. She had so much to do that made her feel big that she stopped feeling the need to control me and my every move. It also made her a much more confident little girl seeing that she was capable of big jobs. The crying and tantrums really eased up, but of course there were times when she didn't like my hair or what I wore or whatever we were doing. Just ignore those things and redirect whenever you can, but try to be positive. Good luck.

G., you are the adult. You have given a four year-old child the control YOU are supposed to have. YOU have taught her that by crying, she can control you. Think about that. Surely you must realize that can't continue. She cries. So what? Let her cry. She may have to cry a long time. She'll try crying harder. And if you are foolish enough to give in to her, you will have taught her that if she can just cry long enough and hard enough, you'll give in. For Pete's sake, if you can't control her at 4, what are you going to do when she's in her teens? You have to take back control and you must do it as soon as possible. Remind yourself that even if she screams, cries and turns blue, you're doing this to help her. Don't you dare feel guilty about letting her cry. Children depend on their parents to run the show - to be in charge and to be smart enough and strong enough to take care of them. If she's telling you what to do and you are actually listening to her, how secure can she feel? You are ruining her life and the relationship you should have with her by letting her get away with this. What are you afraid of - that she won't love you? Kids tell their parents they hate them all the time. Big whoop. They don't really mean it and if you clearly set rules and stand firm, showing her you mean what you say, she will eventually respect you for it. Frankly, she will be relieved. No child really wants to have that much control because their parent is a useless wimp. And if you are allowing her to tell you how to drive, you are endangering both your lives. If you can't do it on your own, get counseling. You need to find out why you have so little respect for yourself. You owe it to your child and to yourself.

G., You daughter sounds like a strong willed child. She could be a born leader.. I admire people who know what they want. It is a quality that is in born I believe. I think that you can teach her to adapt to accepting your choices for your reasons as well. Glad to hear from you. Keep in touch. C.

Hi G.,
Many responses have been great including one from a Susan D.(I think) I have 6 children 13, 11, 10, 8, 5, and 8 months. The youngest four are girls. While I have strong feelings against letting infants 'cry it out', a 4 year old is no longer an infant. She is definitely trying to establish bounderies. That is a normal thing for children to do and it is our responsibility as parents to set those bounderies. Bounderies give children a sense of security. They will not always be happy about their bounderies on the surface but children with bounderies are more secure and confident. (Confidence and bossiness are not the same thing. In fact it is often the bossy children who are less confident.) Does she also have outbursts in public, like at the store when she wants things she can't have? Giving in to her crying is establishing a pattern. I have a feeling it's a pattern that may work for a quick fix but may cause greater problems in the future. There is nothing more important to me than my family. So, I know that saying no can be difficult. Honestly though, it is just preparing our children for life. In life no is sometimes the answer. Plus it makes the yesses (I'm sure that's not a word!) in life that much more rewarding. My 5 year old did a little of the 'car seat driving' last year. A few times we did it just for fun but that was it. And it was on my terms, when we didn't have other agendas or schedules to keep. It's great to encourage curiousity and imagination. But you are the adult, the parent, and the one in charge of how and when those things happen. Saying no can be an act of love!
Good luck
M. SAHM of 6 confident children!

I think the answer is simple.

Do not let her boss you around.

By letting her have her way - even once - you are letting her control you. This is what teens also try to do. If you start a pattern of letting HER be the boss, then in a few years she'll have manipulated you into running a lot more in your life just so she can always have her way.

My advice is to let her cry - she's smart enough to use it as a tool to manipulate you and you must stop that immediately. She cannot have her way all the time, in fact, I'd start doing the exact opposite of what she orders you to do. She'll cry, you won't change your mind or direction, so she'll eventually figure out that all the crying in the world isn't going to change who's the boss - - YOU!

Let her cry - she'll get the message, but it might take time.

In the meantime, I'd also start letting her have more control over things that are HERS. For example, let her pick HER clothes out. Let her decorate her own room - now is a great age to upgrade from the "baby" room she had before. Let her choose what SHE would like for lunch. Let her choose HER hairstyle, etc. This gives her control in the areas she really has control over - her own body and her own space.

Good luck!

S

i agree 100% with Kat M. You are her parent,and she needs you to show your love for her by setting boundaries.

Please do not let your child tell you which way to turn when you are driving. Please, learn to tell her 'no,' out of love for her.

You can't let your daughter get control at this point, over these issues, and in this way. Tell her briefly and clearly that she cannot choose those things and why - once. Then go about your business of dressing and driving and ignore all the crying. Let her cry it out. When the moments are right, give her a choice about things that she may have a say in (such as what clothes she wears, what flavor ice cream to get, etc.). That way she has some choices of her own but you are not controlled by her crying and influencing what you do.

Hi G.,
When my son started preschool last year, he like to "announce" which way I should drive home, since he knows there are a few different ways. On a few occasions I would take a suggested turn if it was still in the right directions. Sometimes it got to be a frequent request, and I simply said No, not today. Once to five times over the course of several months. It was fun for him to do it, and he fussed when I didn't, but he quickly got over it.
I'm sure in our case it was for a level of control. Didn't go through the clothing thing, so can't help you there. Though probably around that age my son started taking more interest in choosing his own clothes and dressing himself.
I have always found the best tool to use was distraction or redirection. So, just be firm and decide what you think is right and stick to it. Don't explain away to your child because eventually she will probably tune out everything you just said.
Good luck

When your daughter responds by crying, I suggest you ignore her after explaining that you are the parent and she is the child.

I also think you should not react as this sends a signal to your daughter that crying get her attention or what she wants. It may be hard to listen to the crying but she has to know that this negative response doesn't get her what she wants.

Throw a tamtram and act like she does. Talk like she does. Tell her what to ware. Tell her how to do everything. When she protests the way you are treating her explain that is what you do to me.

I am a grown person. I need to make decisions. You need to learn to make decisions also. You are a little girl and am learning about the world. I am a grown-up. I have learned some things but I will continue to learn. I have to respect you. I really need you to respect me.

You need to stop the morning struggle for your own sanity. I would just let her cry if it were me. I find that funny. When my sons pulled anything off color I would walk off and not speak to them for hours. Nothing drives my sons more crazy then when I do not speak to them.

My youngest is a back seat driver. I told him he does not have a driver's liscense so he must not tell me how to drive. If he notices a dangerous situation let me know then.

Rearing children sucks and is the best experience in the world go figure.

our new thing w/tantrums is "ok. let me know when you're done" and i wait a few minutes and say "ok. are you done?" (in a pleasent voice),... ususally he stops and says "yeah".

Stop explaining to her the "why", and give her the good 'ol "Because I said so". You are the parent and she is the child...there is no reason for her to tell you what to do, especially at four years old. You need to just let her cry, and ignore it. It wont hurt her to be ignored and in truth is really better for her. Children NEED boundaries, they NEED guidance, they NEED to know YOU are the Parent. What they DONT NEED is a parent who is more friend than parent. By letting a four year old boss you around you are relinquishing all parental control, which in this instance needs a strong front set by.....ding ding ding .....the PARENT...YOU. Sorry if this seems harsh, but it sounds like both you and your daughter need a firm push here.

In my honest opinion as a mom of a 3 yr old and as a past teacher/daycare teacher, you need to put your foot down.

You are letting your daughter control you, by her acting out. This could cause problems in the future as she gets older if she thinks by crying she can get whatever she wants from you. You are the adult, she is a child. You make choices based on her safety.

I think you need to talk to your daughter about your choices compared to her choices. Your daughter is a child. You make your own decisions and you help her make her decisions because for some things she is not old enough yet. Your daughter needs to know that decisions about driving are not her choice and could potentially be dangerous.

My opinion above is based more on the driving aspect of your story rather than the clothes. Maybe for that part of her life, you can give her some choice on what she can wear. If you are choosing her clothes, she may feel that she is doing the same to you as you are doing with her.

It sounds like she is concerned with "control" and "power" which is very normal at this age. Helping her deal with things that are not in her control (something we all have to learn) is what is important here. There are lots of things she can make her own choices about that effect her. (What she eats, what she plays, what activities you do first or second, what she wears and she can even help you, but in a way that is really something you choose. "You may choose this or this" and if she picks something else you say, "that is not a choice." and be firm. If she wants to help you get dressed, you pick out two pairs of shoes that work and you want to wear and then ask for her help. Or say, "thank you for your advice, but it is my turn to choose today."
And sometimes kids cry. As parents we can be compassionate. Their bodies are out of control because they are overwhelmed and they can't handle what is going on...this feels terrible and they are expressing that. When you are at home you can give her a "safe place" to calm down. Where you don't have to hear or watch the "fit" and you get a chance to collect yourself from the encounter. Not a punishment for getting upset (because that is natural) but a way to learn to handle her feelings and her reaction to them. Do talk to her about how she feels when she doesn't get her way and how you handle your feelings when things don't go the way you had hoped. Lt her see that you get upset sometimes and take a break to show her how you relax and get in control when something upsets you. Remember that it is okay for us to be happy even if our children are not. Sometimes they don't like what has to be done, like we don't like doing things that have to be done. If she has "power" or "control" over the little things in her life, then when you have to make some choices you can remind her of all the choices she made...some even for you...and then be firm. You can be firm and incontrol without being harsh or ignoring her totally.

I'm with Gina H on this. 4 year old girls are, in my opinion, at the most difficult age for Mommy. I've had 2 and almost went cookkoo with both at that age. If she has plenty of opportunity to make choices on other things then it is totally a control issue. Maybe this sounds "old school" but we have resorted more than once to saying "I'm the Mommy. I make the decisions on this. You don't." Especially with the car thing. Yes, the response is crying and sometimes feet stomping but that's how it goes. As far as the clothes go, she might also be trying to imitate you. Do you pick her clothes and shoes? The she's picking out for you. If you do pick her clothes it's time to stop...she can do it herself. And don't backslide if she picks a flowered shirt and checked pants..the skill is important not the matching. If she picks her own clothes then an easy answer for morning routine issues is "you pick your own clothes and Mommy picks her own clothes. Discussion over". Yes she's still going to throw fits but eventually they will slow down or stop--don't expect an overnight change.

I have a very strong-willed 3 year old and she used to do the same thing. In my frustration I came across a book called "Parenting the strong-willed child" by Rex Forehand, Ph.D. and Nicholas Long, Ph.D. This book has a 5-week program to help parents help kids. It's been a blessing for us! You may want to just take a peek at it to see if it would help you too.

Hi G., I haven't read all the other replies to your post but just a friendly bit of advice: My daughter mirrors the behaviors my hubby and I make in front of her (good and bad). So many times, our sins come back to haunt us :) She might be bossy because she feels like you are. And I'm not trying to make you feel bad - you ARE her mother and YOU are the one that needs to control HER. But I've found it's best to let the kids THINK they have control when they really don't. For example, choose 2 or 3 outfits for her and then let HER decide which one she wants to wear. You can do this with your clothes too. If you are taking her out to play, let her decide if she wants to go to the park or to the McDonald's playland. When you are driving somewhere and you're not on a time limit, you can let her point out the directions a little - you may have a few circles to make, but at least let her feel a part of it. Tell her what the street names are and how proud you would be of her if she could memorize the directions to get to school, back home, to the store.... (This is good too in case she ever gets lost - God Forbid!) She's at that age too when she's trying to grow up and act like a big girl and push her limits. So this is pretty natural. You just have to be creative in how to deal with her. The Super Nanny book is great! Lots of good tips in there! Best Wishes!

Ignore her. Plain and simple. She'll get the hint. Especially in the car that could be very distracting & dangerous. Who's the Boss!

Hi G., Let me start with the fact that I was once a preschool 3 year old teachers assistant and a 5-6yr. assistant for 15 years. This age group is a lot of fun but you have to realize they have ENORMOUS egos. It is all about them. It is what I like to say, "Her job to try and get her way no matter what." Your job is to set boundaries. You explain to her why and she cries. I would like to cry too sometimes if I don't get my way! But seriously, just let her cry if all else fails. She needs to see who's in charge. If you do what she tells you all the time now, what will happen later? Mind you, you can make a game out of it. It would be fun for her if you played a game and she "won" that way. Pick two or three outfits for her and you to wear the day before or in the morning and let her pick from there. Google a map to where you are going and let her see it, hold it while you are driving, tell her these are the directions and you need to follow them, you can then tell her, no, the map says we have to go left... Something like that. If she still has a problem, put her in a quiet place and tell her she needs to stay there until she gets into control (no more than a minute per her age, once she gets into control)and speak to her why she is there. I have seen little ones run their parents ragged, it is easier for them with such limited time to let them have their way all the time. I know parents that have pulled over and stopped the car, gotten out and of course stayed by the car and let their child cry or have the tantrum and not get back in until they quit. Don't look at them, don't talk to them just get out and shut the door. Give it no more than 10 min. and ask if she is ready to talk if she is still crying hard...If it is really an issue, speak to her pediatrician. Be the one in charge though, they want boundaries, if you don't have control, who does? that is scary to them.

She is 4 years old. Who is the adult???? It's nice to get an opinion from anyone about what to wear.... but it is an opinion. As I tell my kids...."Be done!" ...That's nonsense! A four year old doesn't have any driving expertise - you are allowing her way too much control over your life. If you are married - don't let her drive a wedge between you and your husband.

My son will be three next month and he likes to do the same thing. Not so much with the clothes, but he WILL remind me to put on shoes :-) He likes to choose the direction we go in when we go for stroller walks and when we go to church. Or anywhere we go frequently. Generally, I humor him. When we're going on a walk, it isn't really important how we get to where we're going. He feels like he has some say in what is going on. If it is important that I go a certain way, I go that way. He is generally content observing the scenery and telling me about it. I agree with the other poster that said give her mom approved choices and then let her choose. They just want to feel involved and they're learning. Good luck!

I negotiate a lot upfront with my kids, giving them choices so that they feel in control.

So, I might say before getting dressed that she can pick one thing for you. Or you are going to let her make one choice between two things. Limit it, and when you have met that upfront agreement, it's over.

With the driving, I might say (before getting into the car and assuming you can take different routes) that she gets to pick 3 directions, but you get to tell her when she can make them - or give her 2 choices. Sort of make it a game. But when she's given you 3 directions, it's over and ignore the crying.

One other idea I have would be to distract her while driving. We keep a basket of toys that are designated car toys and can't be brought in the house. You can also say today, I have to drive my way, but, you get to choose the music.

Hopefully this stage will blow over soon. My 3yo son is going through a "I have to do it all by myself" stage right now. It's good stuff!

Firmly tell her "this is not a game"! "We can get in a car accident and be hurt very badly"! Also, let her know that YOU are the adult, she's the child. Playing "dress-up" is when mommy says, not a child. Let her cry. If she can't behave in a car, she stays home!

Oh dear. It sounds like the roles of parent and child have been reversed. I wonder why it bothers you so much that she cries. If children get what they want when they whine and cry, they will become whiners and criers. It must be hard for you to get out of the house in the mornings but you need to ignore her fit and get ready for work. It would be a good idea to find a good counselor or read a parenting book about discipline. It's not too late to reverse these habits. Good luck!

Many have said this already, but I can't help but repeat it. YOU are the adult and SHE IS NOT! You make the choices for her with her best interest at heart. A good "sit down" talk before one of these situations erupts is probably a good idea. Put her on notice that this won't happen again and why. You may want to schedule some times when you can allow her to play "dress up" with you or play "follow the leader" as you walk around the neighborhood. But you need to draw clear distinctions between these play times and the rest of the time when YOU are in charge. Then when the sitation occurs again, gently but firmly remind her that you are in charge.
Think of it as giving her a dose of Vitamin N. She needs to hear NO more often to prepare her for life.

This is about control. I have a four year old girl too, and she has definite opinons too. When getting her dressed in the morning, I pull out two outfits for her, and she gets to choose which she wants. She sometimes like to "help" me get dressed too. I do the same thing - I pull out two options and ask her, "what do you think mommy should wear today?" She chooses one, and after I'm dressed she tells me how beautful I look (hey, not a bad perk). If I didn't give her options, and it was strickly up to her, I'd wear an old vintage Mickey Mouse t-shirt and shorts everyday!

As far as driving and giving directions, can you try to re-direct her? Make a game - ask her to help you drive by spotting the red or green lights, play I-Spy, ask her which way you are turning (north, south, east, west, left or right - whatever). My husband's car has a GPS, and even if we know where we are going, we sometimes turn it on, because she is entertained by the map and spoken directions.

If you can, allow her to make choices throughout the day. Would she like peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese for lunch? That sort of thing. These little choices mean a lot to them. Then, if she doesn't get her way on something, it isn't a big deal anymore because she got to decide other "important" matters.