4 Yo W Intense Feelings of Missing Friend

My daughter had the same happen with her "boyfriend" in her first year of preschool. The two were inseparable that year. He moved to a different preschool the following year and she pined for him all that summer and still mentions him occasionally two years later. She wrote him letters, I emailed his mom for a playdate, we got no response from them and she was sad. She did make new friends the next year at preschool and that helped. We focused on playdates with new friends and some old friends and she isn't totally over him, but is doing much better. She now found a friend in Kinder that lives around the corner from us and is excited to have a classmate that has potential for frequent playdates. All of this is helping to get over her previous boyfriend. Oh, she has new male friends at K this year, too. She only mentions her old BF once in a great while, now.

Time heals and they make new friends. Try to make the contacts, and if nothing comes of it, she will be sad, but will get through it.

Yes, this could be about this one friend. Four year olds do have strong feelings and they haven't yet learned how to deal with them. I suggest, if it's possible to arrange for her to see this friend and to give them a late birthday present. If the reason they left is to go to Kindergarten they're probably still in the area.

Be prepared for the friend to not have such a close attachment and prepare your daughter for this too. Talk with her about feeling close and moving on as one gets older and has new experiences. My granddaughter still mentions her preschool and how she misses the school its self and her teacher. We went back and the school had been closed and the playground taken down. She still feels sad and I listen as I encourage her to talk about her experiences and her feelings surrounding the school and teacher.

As experts say, we have to tell our story many times in order to deal with the feelings. The key is to allow the feelings and be nurturing while she talks. Hold her, if she'll let you. Tell her it's OK to feel sad and to cry. When she's less upset ask her to talk about this friend. Remember the good times they had together. Perhaps write and illustrate a story about them being together.

I may be the strange mother but I believe in honoring the relationships that my children make, as much as possible. I think too often adults tend to glaze over and not realize that their children are making friends. And then pass it off (not saying you are doing that, just something I've noticed in parents I've been around) as nonconsequential when children are playing together nicely. I think when/if that is noticed that it is important to try and foster a bond with them outside of school if at all possible. I'd try and see if you could figure out a way to contact them - get the parents name from teacher etc. 4 year olds do have strong feelings but that is partly because they haven't developed the hard shell that the rest of us older folk have put on to protect our feelings from getting hurt. ? Good luck!

I would find the friend. Ask the preschool for their phone number and set up a play date. Perhaps she just needs to see the friend and get some closure. tee hee. Seriously though, I think there is something to that. My son talked for 2 years about a child in his preschool class who was a bully to the other kids. The children in their class are their world at that time in their lives. I would look him up.

Just because he went to Kindergarten doesn't mean they can't stay in touch. If he is still in the neighborhood why not get together on the weekends at the park or in your home where they can play? Or if he is far away encourage her to send an email, write a letter or draw him a picture to send. I believe that time will heal this sadness but in the meantime try to keep in contact with the boy so that she doesn't feel she's lost him completely.

Wow. I could have written this about my daughter. She had some close girl friends and has had a hard time and misses them a lot. I have seen her start to talk about other kids and often we talk about what it will be like for her to be in K next year (it won't be at the same school as these kids).

I keep thinking about a play date but we still see the parents of the older children all the time (they have younger kids they pick up) and they have never asked either so I'm sort of worried about what a previous poster mentioned which is that their kids aren't as close to mine.

Has your daughter always been the "younger" in a class and is now sort of the older for the first time? This has been the case for us so one thing I try to do is talk about helping others and being a good helper and setting good examples for the younger kids who are just entering Pre-K/Preschool (they share a room). I'm thinking she will feel better about herself when she sees how good it feels to help others and it sort of gives her something to focus on.

I'll love to see what others write her! thanks for asking the question.

J. - I agree that we shouldn't treat our children's friendships as if they're anything less than our own. However, in my experience with my daughters and a little girl I babysit (who is 4 right now) I would say she's channeling all her bad feelings through this outlet.

When the grandfather of the girl I babysit died last fall, every time someone hurt her feelings, or she was tired, or she couldn't pull her pants up after using the bathroom she would break into tears and say she missed her grandpa and wishes he hadn't died. Currently, when she is not included in a game, or she's bored waiting for my girls and her sister to get home from school the excuse is that she misses her mom, and when is mom going to pick her up.

I have plenty of examples from my own daughters, too, mostly about missing their cousins who live halfway across the country. Choosing one thing that they have been validated by as being a bad/sad thing and then blaming all troubles on that is a normal thing for a 4 year old to do. Try to get to the root of the problem, and ask, "Are you sad because ______?" and that might lead to a more honest answer.

Oh, poor little girl! Set up frequent play dates. She obviously loves her friend & I think it's important to respect our kids feelings and not just think they'll get over it, they're just kids. She is obviously attached & it's great that you're honoring her feelings.

Why don't you take her over to visit him. Being in a different school does not have to prevent their friendship.