My son is 4.5 and usually has a very easy time making decisions (he knows what he wants and he knows how to ask...or yell...for it). But lately, he's been getting really stressed out and upset over really simple/meaningless things and crying about having to make a decision.
For example, yesterday I asked him if he wanted to go to the park or the mall. In the span of 10 minutes, while we were getting ready, he changed his mind about six times and was in tears! Kept saying he was confused and didn't know what he wanted, that he wanted to do both, etc.
It's happened about 4-5 times in the last two weeks. Another example was over what TV show to watch (he has a bunch of stuff on the DVR and is free to choose whichever one he wants). He just gets so upset and is in tears over these seemingly meaningless decisions. How can I help him/why is this happening?
It's possible that his brain has developed just enough to make decisions difficult. I suggest trying not giving him choices for awhile or when he starts to feel overwhelmed make the decision for him. He'll grow out of this stage.
I think Marda's right; it's probably a phase that sometimes accompanies too many choices. Even two can be too many if he's become painfully aware of what he's giving up if he chooses A instead of B. He'd really like to have it all, and he can't (at least not all at once), so what's meaningless to you is obviously terribly important for your son. So for the next few weeks, reduce options as much as you can.
And check out the techniques in the brilliant little book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The authors show how to coach the child to address a problem himself. Even young children can be creative problem solvers, and this book is wonderfully empowering both for parents and their children. I've used these tips with my grandson for almost 4 years, since he was 2.5, with wonderful results.
Yes to the previous posts mentioning overstimulation from the holidays, as well as his being at an age when he is aware of all he gives up when he makes a choice. I would also add: These seem like small, simple, A or B choices to adults, but to him the examples you mention are huge. The mall is a world of wonders; the park is too. I would give him only this choice: We're going to the mall. Do you want to have lunch at this mall place or that one? Or: We're going to the park. Do you want to take your basketball or your kickball? Whatever applies. As for TV, if he has, as you put it, a "bunch" of stuff, that's too much choice; have him choose between show A and show B (while you hold them out in front of him), but I would not tell him, "Just pick, you have plenty to choose from."
He's getting overwhelmed which I think is pretty typical at this age. They can go along fine making choices and then suddenly seem like they can't handle it. About halfway through each year of their age, they tend to get uncertain and then they will right themselves and be more confident by the time of their next birthdays. It's normal but you can help him out by limiting the choices a bit more for some time to come, even if a few months or weeks ago he was fine with "mall or park"-sized choices.
overstimulated from the holidays? try to get back on routine
You have been given good and logical advice so far. One more thing I would do is write down when this started then look back and see if there were any changes in his life, diet,immunizations etc. A friend of mine has a daughter who started studdering horribly, she found out she was allergic to gluten! Diet change solved everything. Good luck and be patient. I'm sure this is rough on your little boy.
What Marda said, and overstimulation/lack of routine from the holiday season.
As others have noted, he's probably just learning the concept of "opportunity costs" - by picking one, I can't have the other. This could be a good opportunity to start teaching him about perspective - if he's getting upset about having to choose between the mall and the park, try explaining to him that it is ok to pick the mall (for example), because tomorrow he can go to the park. That can help him learn that not every decision is a door-closer. If that doesn't help, then you may want to follow the advice of another poster, and start limiting choices for a little while, until he feels more comfortable with them.
I think I'd back away from giving him choices right now. The holidays have possibly been a whirlwind for him and he might really need a break. I think that sometimes kids' minds go into overload when they are maturing, and they just get upset easily until the phase is over.
When he does this, tell him that he needs to go sit in his room and gather himself. He won't know what gather himself means, but let him figure it out. Don't shut his door and don't sit with him. Tell him after he has gathered himself, to come back out to you. When he does, ask him "Have you gathered yourself?" and see what he says. Let him talk about his feelings, or not. Leave it up to him. If you use THIS term ONLY for this problem, it will help him, I believe.
I also think doing this will help the phase pass more quickly.
Good luck,
Dawn
