Teaching My Daughter About Gratitude

Yes you re going overboard, this isn't punishment. lol I would also get ride of most of the clothing and toys she doesn't wear but stop at that.

I like the idea about the clothes and toys, but think you are going overboard with the rice and beans. Instead why not take her to volunteer at a soup kitchen for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. Then she will see the families and children that do not have what she has and seeing it may help her appreciate what she has more. You could also have her choose some clothes and toys that she will not play with or wear anymore and donate them to a shelter.

Yeah, I think what you are talking about is going overboard. It's great that you want to instill values into your child, but I don't think they have to be so severe. Some things are just personality. Children that live in the same household, brought up with the same rules and values often are very different. So I believe there are times you can't change things, but...... you can control how you handle situations in the hope that you are instilling the values of your home.

When you say, "I'll let you live another day" then I assume your daughter knows this is a joke.....so she may be confused as to what you are really trying to say. So.....when she says, what do I get for that?......why not ask a question back. "Well, how did it make you feel when I told you that you did a good job?" Then when she hopefully says it made her feel good, or smart, etc... Then you can say. "Feeling good about yourself is a great thing to get!" If she pushes the envelope saying she wants something monetary, etc.... then this is a chance to explain your values.

Consider stop buying her things at random. Give her a small allowance and when she asks for something ask her if she has enough money to buy it. Tell her, "I don't want to spend my money on that, but you can spend yours." Give her control. She will learn that she has to save and can't have everything. She will buy ridiculous things. They may be of value to her, but if she is out of money she will quickly learn to be choosey about what she does buy........ she will see that what she wants doesn't necessarily just appear.

Let her want everything she sees. Let her expect rewards for everything. But you don't have to criticize her for it. Just know it is not your job to fulfill all these desires.

Say she say, "I want that toy!" Now you can say several things.....

"Do you have enough money saved?"
"If you save your money maybe you can buy it."
"I don't blame you for wanting that. It looks really cool."

None of these responses mean you have to "fix it" for her.

Umm.. yeah, I think you are going WAY overboard. If my parent did this to me, take my toys, make me eat rice and beans...I'd be feeling less gratitude and more frustration and upset. But I can understand *your* frustration (which was in your tone, and it's okay to be frustrated....)I don't think you feel badly toward your daughter, you just want the endless "gimme gimme's" to stop. Much like any parent of a kid would, from time to time.:)

Let me explain: she's seven. Many people I have known over the years haven't developed a full sense of gratitude until they were well into adulthood. We ourselves sometimes set our children up for less of a sense of purpose by rewarding so often and so meaninglessly. Alfie Kohn's "Punished by Rewards" goes into this in detail, in the realms of parenting, school/teaching, and as an employer's incentive, and discusses the actual research which suggests that while rewards produce immediate effects, they are not good at sustaining the desired long-term change.

When she whines about chores, you have a couple options: 1. ignore, ignore, ignore. or, 2. ask her to go to her room and stay in there until she can do the task in question without the drama. And then leave the job for her to do. If it piles up, too bad.

You could also *let* her do her own laundry put-away. Let her chose one thing at dinnertime ( a fruit or veg, or kind of bread/noodle...whatever fits in with your menu easily), and then ignore the other comments. Or, if it's truly unpleasant, tell her she can eat in another area of the house (no tv/computer) until she's ready to eat without the negative comments. I do think removing the toys is too much-- if it's too much to clean up, offer to store some of them somewhere else for a while, and rotate them out. But if you just take things away, you aren't teaching her to be grateful for what she does have, you are teaching her what it's like to hurt from being a have-not, and this is a very, very different thing.

When she does something well and asks "What do I get for that?" ask her some open-ended questions. "How do you feel about yourself right now?" or "You get a big smile from me for being such a great help." or "Wow, what do you get? Well, I think we had some really pleasant moments, because we were getting along so well. I had a nice time, how about you?" Or you could ask "What do you think you should get?" and see what it is that she's really wanting. Make a list of all those things, and see if there's a way that she can earn them, one by one, by helping. You don't have to pay out big, either, and if you make a list of items and have her prioritize 'which one you want to work toward first', then she's got a more concrete way to think about things instead of "I want it all".

I hope one of these ideas help. You sound like a lot of parents I've worked with. Years ago, one dear woman told me that she'd lost patience with her daughter around this age, who was whining about writing thank you notes. The mother, fed up, turned to her daughter and said, "Well, I guess that next year, I will tell everyone not to send you presents because my little girl is being TOO RUDE to write thank you notes!" So, tee hee-- you aren't the only one!!!

Remember, she's only seven years old. If she's listening to you about the clothes, you're doing well. Do the experiment! Then let her have a few more things back (easier to do laundry). Think about saying that after she has chosen what she really needs, anything she adds to her closet means she needs to give up something that's already there. Remember that is is a major lifestyle change!

You can certainly talk to her about the food business, and maybe she'd be interested in trying that out one weekend with her family. Don't do it in a punishing spirit, but as something you all can learn from.

As it's nearly December, this is the perfect time to talk to her about children who won't have toys under their Christmas trees because their moms and dads can't buy them. Would she be willing to decide what of her toys she really, really loves, and bless other children with the rest?

Don't forget that gratitude is more caught than taught. Be openly thankful for everything - "Thank you for making your bed so nicely!" "Wasn't that wonderful of Mrs. Jones to bring us those tomatoes?" "Look at the beautiful sunset!" She needs to see and hear you being grateful from your heart. (You know this already, but so often we forget because we're so busy wanting other things.)

I love your "allow you to live" line! You might treat "what do I get" business as a game she's playing with you, because maybe that's what she's doing. And why not, if she's getting away with it? You can announce that you're calling a halt. What can she play instead? How about "what can I give?"

I think it's OK to go through her room and choose to cut her things down by a significant amount. Have her help you. Clothes and toys she doesn't wear or use can be gathered up and given to charity. She can't really appreciate her clothes or toys when she is overwhelmed by the amount of them. I don't think you need to only give her 2 outfits to wear, that's a little to the extreme. But those things that just sit and sit, and she never chooses to wear, those are the outfits I would remove from her room. She doesn't need an "extensive" wardrobe. It's just easier to care for and to appreciate a smaller amount of "stuff" Her room will be easier to clean, and her things easier to find, too. The gratitute issue, I believe, is also a learning process that takes time and maturity.

We didn't have much room in our house for stuff... there were 6 kids and 2 adults living in a 3 bedroom trailer. Sooo, we were each allowed to have a certain amount of clothes, toys, etc. Whenever we got a new one, we had to pick something to throw away (if it was in good condition we had to give it away) so we wouldn't have soo much clutter... if we did something WORTH special recognition, we got to do an activity with my dad, like going out for ice cream or hiking (one on one time was precious with so many of us...) If we got in trouble, we were assigned the crappy chores, like washing out the cupboards, cleaning the yard, or any other chores that weren't normally done day-to-day.

I agree with the other comments that you should start with just taking out the clothes, especially since your daughter is already open to it, and then try the toys.

This is a good lesson about being rich/poor and also about the time and place we live in. When we visited a museum, we looked at what kids did for fun long ago, before tvs and radios. What do people in other countries eat, do they have running water, what kind of houses do they live in? Or on a camping trip think about what "stuff" we miss or don't miss.

Back when I was in middle school, they tried to teach us some of these lessons during summer camp. At one camp, they had one day when we got just bread and water for breakfast(I think it was supposed to be Bastille Day). Another day was declared Africa day and they turned off the running water in all but one building. At another camp, we had to carry around a gallon of water all day.

instead of pretending to be poor how about serving at a soup kitchen. or donating food, clothes, even money she earned to a shelter. this is the perfect time for adopting a family at christmas. there are usually christmas trees with names of needy kids in the mall. you know your kid best and if you feel like the things you mentioned will have some effect then try it. i would not be too worried about nutrition for a week or two. she will actually feel what its like too.

i would also respond a bit differently on the "what do i get for that?" comment. i would say some things like you get to have honor and pride for doing a job well done. you get good character. you know build her up type quotes. the "live for another day" is kind of dramatic even if it is silly. good luck momma let us know what works in the end.

If she doesn't wear it, donate it. If she has too many toys, or stuff that she no longer plays with, donate it. But take it to the Salvation Army or wherever yourself-and take her along. Go to a homeless shelter and have them give you a tour. Volunteer in the children's ward at the hospital or deliver meals on wheels. We are very fortunate that our kids don't want for anything. I tell mine all the time that we need to be very grateful for what we have. I made a reward chart for my seven year old (since her three year old sister has a potty training chart), so she knows which behaviors will earn her what specific reward. It is difficult for them to grasp how other people's situations differ from their own. If you show them how some other people have to live, that will help them to better understand.

Yes you are going overboard with taking quite so much away. I do think whining is a disciplinary issue though. When my son whines about not wanting to do something I give him to the count of 10 to stop. If he doesn't then I send him to his room and tell him he can come out when he is done, repeating as necessary. I think you have the right idea maybe she is just testing you. Just keep on being strict. As to making her a charitable person this is something that has to come from the inside out. I don't think you can force it on anyone of any age without breeding resentment and backlash. It sounds like she has the makings of being a charitable person deep down though. Encourage and lead by example.

I like your idea for the experiment, but I think she might be a little too young to understand if you do everything at once. It might be more effective if you choose one thing at a time to focus on. Many have suggested sorting through the toys and donating some in time to give to underpriveledged children for Christmas. I think that's a great idea.

When my children were young, we didn't give them a lot of stuff, and they learned to appreciate what they had. I've been surprised through the years to meet kids with the sense of entitlement that you described, since my kids weren't like that. I've since adopted a child with those "what's in it for me?" attitudes, and it's been quite a struggle trying to teach him gratitude, so I understand your dilemma.

One thing I always told my other children, and I now tell my youngest, is that they are members of a family; a household. If they want to benefit from the blessings of the household--i.e. food to eat, clean clothes to wear, a clean bathroom to use, a neatly mown lawn to play on, then they must contribute to the upkeep of that household. If they enjoy eating on clean dishes, then they must be willing to wash dirty dishes.

It isn't cruel to make children do chores. It's teaching them life skills. We provided them with the necessities of life, and occasional indulgences that could be truly enjoyed and appreciated. We didn't pay them for chores, we simply allowed them to be contributing members of a household. They each may have asked the "What do I get for doing this?" question once or twice. When the answer was, "You get to enjoy the benefits of a functioning household.", they got it. When they grew up and moved out, they were able to take care of themselves so much better than most of their peers. My 23 year old daughter is always telling me about the "spoiled little girls" she encounters and how they don't know how to do anything and need to grow up.

Drive her by a low income neighborhood and let her get a visual. Order some of the old "Shirley Temple" movies and have her watch them. There are several that involve orphanages where the kids are all poor..... you might get her attention that way. I love those old Shirley Temple movies, every last one of them will make you cry, they are so good ;)

HAHA "I'm going to allow you to live or another day." I have said that to mine also.
I think this is a good time to go through the toys and give some away to Goodwill. Same with the clothes. We do this every season, my kids now will run to me and say M. this or that can go on the pile. This first time there may be some whining but she'll catch on.
Do the little experiment but if you feed her rice and beans then that is what you eat too. If you take away her toys then don't watch tv, or go to the gym that day or whatever you find that is fun. Otherwise it is a punishment and may backfire.

Saying all this, we did take my sons toys away, as punishment. He has ADHD and really had too many. We left Legos and books. He was much happier. He was better able to manage without so many distractions.

I know the situation is frustrating, but I do think you're going overboard for just whining. Not that whining is acceptable, but you can impose other consequences that are not so extreme (losing a privilege for a day per instance of whining, etc.). I mean, she even AGREED to just have two outfits. Overcoming entitlement is a normal life lesson. Perhaps you could answer her seriously. When she says, "What do I get for that?" You could say, "You get to be a responsible person." Most importantly, whatever you are trying to teach her, you have to model. If she eats rice and beans, you eat rice and beans. Otherwise, you're just punishing her and not teaching her anything. I really like the suggestions of volunteering and making her part of the process of getting rid of the excess. Hang in there; she'll get it.

I think that if you can stick to it that that is a great way to start! It might even be fun if the whole family can try to go without the extra for a week to gain perspective on how so many people are forced to live in this economy.

I would add, just to add prospective more continually and to help your daughter appreciate how fortunate she is, volunteer. You could do it as a family or just you and her. I'm sure there are local homes for either children or adults where you could volunteer your time and give her a very meaningful experience. I don't think with her age that it's just her being ungrateful. She probably just doesn't know any better. Start educating her on other cultures and about how tough it is in this world and then she can get a picture of what it's like outside of her family and her school that she attends.

For an idea, make a bulliton board and every week or month pick something you want her to learn about in the world and take a little time to go to the library and get books about it or visit somewhere in your city to learn about it.

Good Luck!

I think this is a great idea! Tell her you are going to do this for three days and afterwards discuss what she thought. Seven is old enough to start learning gratitude and understanding that life isn't fair. Also, why don't you "adopt" a child for Christmas. I have read where people think this is harsh, well,guess what? Life is harsh! I believe that we shield our kids too much from the "bad" things in life and they get a distorted view of life. Kids now adays don't understand working hard for something. I believe this would serve as a good introduction to her. Good Luck!!!!

Our church just collected for Operation Christmas Child. It's where you pack shoe boxes and send them off to children who otherwise wouldn't have a Christmas aside from the articles that fit in that ONE shoe box. This is all these children get and most of them it's all they'll have for the entire year to call their very own. Perhaps you can find a church who has not yet collected theirs or a dropoff point. After packing ours yesterday, our girls have decided to unload a LOT of their unwanted/unused toys to the local Salvation Army for underpriviledged children in our community. They haven't asked for anything else in return either.

I'm thinking your wee one is just going through a phase. Perhaps she has friends at school who are telling her how much their parents cater to their every little whim and spoil them to no end. Ask her what she's going to give you when you get her what she wants? Just keep it up with your daughter and she'll eventually snap out of it...I hope!

This would be a great experiment IF you and your husband are willing to go along with this too!!! If she is the only one doing it, I Would think it would look more like a punishment to her and she might resent it.
I think the best way for her to learn gratitude is to see it modeled by her family members. We were discussing this today in Sunday School...that children learn by watching their parents...I said that one of my Dad's favorite sayings was "What you DO speaks so loudly that I can't hear what you SAY!!!" . You practice the attitude of gratitude everyday and see if it doesn't catch on with her!!
We just finished packing 100 shoe boxes at our church for Operation Christmas Child a mission of Samaritans Purse which is run by Franklin Graham ( Billy Grahams son) . Our young children helped us pack each box with hygiene essentials, a pair of socks or a shirt for each child, school supplies and then they helped pick out the age appropriate toys that were going to top off the box. At first they were giggling at the thought of chldren being excited to get a toothbruth or toothpaste...or wanting to receive crayons and pencils for Christmas...which gave us the perfect opportunity to tell them that there are children in the world who never get a toothbrush of their very own...or who have never owned a bar of soap!!! They were more understanding after we finished talking to them about it and they were SO excited as they helped us load those shoe boxes up in the truck to take them to the collection point!!!
My oldest daughter has had her almost 3 year old son help her bake cookies to take to the local fire department and he thanks them for helping to keep him safe. They have done the same thing with cookies and banana nut bread to take to the Police Department. On Veterans Day Kieran ( Our grandson) brought tears to my husband eyes when he called Grandpa to tell him "Thank you for helping to keep our country free". He is learning the attitude of gratitude because his parents are modeling it for him.
You are your childrens first teacher...and you are already on the right track!!!

Mom, I think gratutude is such a hard thing to instill into children and young people now a days, our society is so overindulged and expects instant gratification, especially the younger ones and my family is guilty of this too. Our daughter is a young teen now and I have been trying to teach the concept of gratitude to her for 10 yrs and still struggle with it. I think volunteering with her where others are way less fortunate is a good thing to try with her, expecially this time of year. Is there a local homeless center you can visit and take some of her and your families extra, unused clothing or excess toys etc, a soup kitchen or food bank to volunteer at with her if you can find one that will allow children would be good too. Maybe you can say that you want your family to go to find an "angel tree" this year where there are children;s names from low income families on it. Then pick a name or two and buy the gifts they have asked for. Hav her contribut or earn her $ to use to help buy one or some of the gifts. We have done this b 4 and it does help. Just a thought, hope it works

I wouldn't do everything at one time. She'll be really ticked and the point of the lesson will be lost b/c she'll feel like she's being punished.
How about helping pack up some of those extra toys and having her go with to take them to a children's / homeless shelter?
Or making some muffins or bread and organizing a group of people to serve breakfast to the homeless?
That'll be an eye opener.

In San Antonio, there is a group called "Under the Bridge" ministries that serves food and takes coats/ old blankets to the homeless. They are always looking for help. Bet there is a group similar near you.

I love what you are doing with the clothes, but I do think it is overboard with the TV and food. Even poor people have TVs. They may not have cable or satellite.

Gratitude is hard to teach a 7yo. Her reactions are very appropriate for her age. A better choice may be to take her to volunteer to serve food at the shelter over the holidays or to sort food at the foodbank. That will give her a real life example of what some peoples lives are really like.

After your clothing experiment is over, I would encourage her to give half of her stuff away. We did this with our boys every year when they had tons and tons of new toys at the holidays. They chose the majority of the toys to give away. We are going to do another purge this week, since they are home for break. They have a lot less toys now that they are older, but there are still some hanging around that they do not play with.

Keep up the good work!

There is a fabulous book called Parenting With Love & Logic. Many churches even offer parenting classes using the Love & Logic curriculum and many schools have incorporated their curriculum as well. There is a small chapter at the back of the book about this very subject. I think the authors even wrote a separate book about "Entitlement", although I have not read it. I would highly recommend starting with the "Parenting" book if you can. It is all about teaching YOU how to raise a responsible child (and better to start now than to wait until she is 17).

This is an excerpt from the "Entitlement" section of the book that sums it up nicely:

Fortunate, indeed, are the children whose parents are willing to let their children struggle for, and earn, the goods and services they want.

Fortunate, indeed, are the children whose parents subscribe to the "matching funds" approach. These parents help their child buy goods and services with money after the kids earn and save a portion of the cost.

Fortunate, indeed, are the children whose parents expect their children to do their fair share of the work required to maintain a household.

Fortunate, indeed, are the children whose parents set loving limits, give their children reasonable choices, and allow consequences of those choices to prepare them for the adult world.