4 Year Old WILL NOT Use the Bathroom! HELP!!!!!

Call the parenting consultants at the Elizabeth Blackwell Center for advice: ###-###-####. Good luck!

My daughter just turned 4 in November and at that time she wasn't potty trained. She has been going #2 on the potty since she turned 3 but refused to go #1 on the potty. She is also stubborn and everything has to be HER idea or she won't do it. Well, it was the same way with potty training. So, I was just patient, didn't push her and would just casually mention it to her. Like I would just casually ask "Do you have to go potty?" and usually she answer was no so I didn't force it. I would try occasionally putting the potty training underwear on her but like you, she would just pee in them like her pull ups. Then one day, all of the sudden, she wanted to put on underwear and keep them dry. Her daddy and I weren't even home at the time! Grandma was babysitting her. When we got home she had been dry all day and since then had been using the potty for #1 and #2. So maybe it will be like that for your daughter and it will just happen.
We did offer her a big incentive. A long time ago we told her that if she went potty like a big girl on the toilet she can get a Barbie Jammer Jam Jeap (or whatever it is called). Now we tell her she is going to get one because she is staying dry.
I guess all I can say is BE PATIENT!! It will happen eventually because just think they can't stay in diapers forever!! Right?
I was in your situation. My daughter is 4 and I have a son who is 17 months and another one on the way in April and I kept thinking, are they all going to be in diapers!!??

Forcing her is likely part of the problem, as are the training pants. (On the aside, I hate training pants.)

What I would do is to get her around other kids approximately her age or a bit older and load her up with stuff to drink. If she's as involved when she colors, I'm sure she'll wet when playing. If/when she wets in front of the other children, she'll likely be teased about it. There's nothing like peer pressure to stop something like this.

Good luck!

Have you had her checked by her Dr.? She could have a number of problems and not being bull headed about it.I would also start making her clean herself up after she has her accidents.Make her wash out her panties and clean herself up.If she functions as a normal 4 year old it will dawn on her she will have more time for other things if she just uses the toilet. Good luck.

18 months is a little soon to start potty training and 4 is definetly too old to be still having such trouble. You can try rewards, if you haven't already. Small candies like M&M's or get a sticker book and use stickers. If she's having trouble going on her own then you need to take her, gently remove her from what she's doing and take her to the bathroom when you see she needs to go. Be gentle and remind her that she needs to tell you if she has to go. Keep at it. It's obvious she can't be trusted to go on her own, so you still need to be there to remind her. Ask her ever 30 mins if you have to or even take her. If she gets annoyed at having to stop playing so much tell her why. Tell her it's because she can't get up and go on her own so you have to take her and until she does start going on her own you're going to keep on taking her.

There might also be a problem because of your 18 month old and another baby so soon. She may have regressed out of anxiety, not wanting to have to give up mommy again. Though, I would think the 18 month old would be having issues instead of the 4 year old. Who knows how kids mind work?

Good luck to you!

I've heard of some mothers putting the cloth training pants INSIDE of the pull ups. That way, when she wets, it's VERY uncomfortable. She'll feel the wetness and yet the pull up will keep your furniture dry. Sounds like you've got a power struggle. Does she like to do any "big girl" things like go to a "school" or anything like that? Try telling her only big girls that don't wear/wet their panties get to do that. Find something that she relates to being a "big girl" and take it away or hold it for her to look forward to doing once she has gone potty in the bathroom for a set amount of time. I bought my daughter some big girl panties with like Cinderella on them and laid them out and told her those were only for big girls that don't wet themselves. she wanted to wear them so bad that she eventually got herself going to the bathroom. Everytime she did, we'd mark a smiley on the calender and when she got 7 smilies in a row, she'd be allowed to wear the big girl panties. but first time she wet them, we'd have to start all over. Good luck to you. Like I said, it sounds like this is something that SHE can control and isn't about to give in to you or anybody else.

Have you tried rewarding her for staying dry for short intervals like from breakfast to lunch, lunch to supper, etc. or possibly even shorter perriods of time if necessary? You can use a small immediate reward or a sticker on a sticker chart so that when she gets a certain number of stickers she can cash them in for a reward: a new colorbook, an art/craft kit (you could put it together), a special time for you to read her a story - or an extra story - whatever motivates her. Stickers with rewards are often a good motivator with little ones. This is especially good if she can earn the reward within a couple days.

An alarm set for you to remind her or take her to the potty once per hour sometimes works also. This will get her into the habit of realizing that she has to stop once in awhile to go potty, but then she can go back to what she was doing before.

Yes, girls are usually easier to train, but it looks like baby #2 arrived about the time she would have normally begun potty training. It is nearly impossible to potty train a toddler when a new baby has just entered the house. Also, if a child was potty trained when the new baby comes home, it is very common for the potty trained child to regress and have more accidents. It may be hard for your little girl to give up being the baby when she sees the attention and time the baby gets. It is important that you make sure that you spend special time with her in "big girl" times and ways. Maybe you take time to do a puzzle or play a game with her that is on her level rather than on little sister's level. Let her know how important it is to you that she is your big girl and how much help she is. She should have some simple jobs around the house by age 4 so that she is contributing to the family. She can pick up her toys, maybe put food in the pet's bowl, put her dirty clothes in a basket or hamper, help set the table and clear it, etc.

Good luck with this issue and with your new baby coming in Feb. May God bless you!

Carol

Dear M.,
I would give her a big incentive. Think of something she really wants to do and do it when she accomplishes going to the bathroom for a week or more. I would put her in regular underwear so it will be very uncomfortable. You should probably wait before you teach your 18m old potty training until your 4 yr old is trained.

We have a 5 year old that has the same issue...she might go two hours in a car ride without an accident, but get her home and involved in a TV show, and she'll occasionally potty in her pants.

We tried everything too - from being strict, to taking away toys, or not letting her watch TV - and we even once didn't go to ballet class. We felt HORRIBLE. These are important things to her, and it was still happening.

The only thing we've really had any success with at all is this: Anytime she wants to do ANYTHING or have a snack or play in the playroom or watch a video...it's always, "Go potty first." We'll just about let her do whatever she wants if she goes potty first. Fortunately she hasn't asked for anything unreasonable yet, so we've been safe in that realm.

But seriously...if she gets up from coloring, "Before you do whatever you're doing next, go potty first." Even if it's "But I was just going to get a drink..." "That's fine, but before you go get your drink, you have to go potty first."

And do this all day long. Whenever she finishes doing one thing and wants to do something else, "Go potty first."

I was at a restaurant earlier this week that had a play place. This one mother had a 4 year old and a 2 year old (that looked closer to 3 than 2). When they came in to play, the mother asked the 2 year old at least 5 times, "Do you have to go potty?" THe child kept ignoring her, and she wasn't letting up or getting any sort of answer - I looked over and said, "Yes or no, buddy?" He said, "no". SO she let him play. Within 5 minutes, my 24 month old had a nuclear diaper, so I went to change her. I barely got into the bathroom when the mom came in there frustrated because the 2 year old pooped in his pants and was saying, "But I don't want to go home" and her responding, "We may not have a choice at this point..." I told her I had wipes if she needed them and was trying not to laugh hysterically (because I've been there/done that before with our older daughter) thinking if she had just taken him to the bathroom and told him "you can play in the play area, as long as you go potty first" she may not have found herself in that situation. It might still have happened even if they had gone potty first, but the likelihood of it happening would have diminished. It's called "trying to put the odds in your favor."

Anyway - for what it's worth...and good luck!

I wish you luck. Figure she will not be in diapers when she is 18, right? Just to relax and keep perspective. Just make her in charge. She has an accident, she has to clean it up and change herself.

I agree with previous response. Whatever you're going to do it's "go potty first." I've responded before about this issue and the one thing you have to keep in mind is..this is something you CAN'T MAKE them do. If you "force" it, it will become a major power struggle and believe it or not they are going to win because you can't make them do it. All you can do is stay consistent with making her try. She will do it, but it's going to be on her terms. Get a gum ball or some kind of dispenser and put gum, M&M's or whatever it is she likes and only keep it in the bathroom and then she has to go in there and go to be able to get her treat. Goodluck!!!

Time to be calm, firm, and mean. Punishment should deter the "crime" not "fit" it. I have 3 kids, youngest 17. Two youngest were the most difficult, stubborn, but they were trained by age 3.
First tell her "you will use the potty or you are staying in your room the rest of the day" Pick her up sit her on the potty first thing in the morning. Ignore any protests, don't say much, try to hold her there until she goes. If it is too difficult, put on the diaper and put her in her room. Bring breakfast to her. Let her know she cannot come out until she is willing to use the pot.
This will take patience, patience and more patience. You have control. Your child is not going to like this. You are bigger than her. If you have to sit outside her door to keep her in her room, so be it.
Plan this ahead so you hve a day clear to work on her. Maybe even have a sitter to look after your other child.
This will only take 2 days to do, maybe 3. After that she is going to cooperate. This will work for anything you need her to learn.

I second the advice about maybe taking her to the doctor. I wet my pants until I was about 7 years old due to some sort of problem where my bladder and my brain just weren't quite communicating with each other about the sensation of having to pee. It was embarassing and I felt so stupid because I knew how to go, but it was like I'd get involved in something and I just wouldn't notice the sensation of having to go until I noticed my pants were soaked. (And being yelled at or reprimanded for it only made it worse because when I did have an accident, I was too embarassed and ashamed to admit to it and would try to clean myself up and hide it.)

My mom thought I was just hard to potty train but when she mentioned it to the doctor, they apparently did some tests and discovered that I actually had some medical issues that were causing the problem. I ended up growing out of it without any intervention, but just knowing that there was an actual medical issue helped my mom to be able to cope with the stress of it better and warn people (like teachers and friends' parents) about it.

I am in the middle of potty training my child too and know how frustrating it is. One piece of advice I was given was to put the child in training underpants (you can get them from Babies R Us in Gerber brand). I put my daughter in those at home with rubber pants over top (so she doesent make a mess all over). This works for some kids since it lets them feel being wet. This way it is uncomfortable for her. The pull ups pull the wetness away from her like a diaper.

We used potty training boot camp (you can google it) I have a stubborn child and she is totally trained but will go on "Potty breaks" every couple of months where she won't use the potty at all and it is very frustrating. We just go back to using the potty watch, it is annoying but works! Good luck!