4 Year Old: Sibling Jealous or Developmental Stage?

I know my almost 4 year old tests me multiple times a day. He doesn't want to hold my hand when walking, stay seated at the table or be helped getting dressed anymore. He tore down his chart. I'm thinking he is trying to be independent and test to see what he can & can't do. Mine is not listening or obeying very well lately. It may be part of the age & testing thier limits. For you it may be both. He is wanting to be a big boy & your baby at the same time. Hopefully if we can stick to the rules & let him know we love them, but certain things are not ok (like fits/whining,hitting,etc..)and he will have a concequence for not acting right that they will feel more secure. I tell him if you choose to "throw toys" then you choose to " have them put away for a day". I can relate to your questions & frustration. I'm just sending you my motherly support. :)

Hi N.,

My son had just turned 4 when our youngest was born. He is the sweetest, most loving little guy and he loves his sister. He fell apart when she was about 7 months old. I couldn't get him to open up to me, but his sitter was able to get him to talk. He ended up saying that he was tired of her crying and getting into his toys. (He really doesn't like noise.) We did the things that you are doing like the alone time, etc. We then sat down and made rules that he didn't have to share certain toys and that if he was building with blocks, we would put up the gate or he could go somewhere else to do it. (She always knocked them down which frustrated him.)

My son responds very well to coins. He could earn coins for following directions, behavior, etc. I would also remind him of what he was like when he was his sister's age and how much help he needed. Now he's a big kid and I still love snuggles with him, but he is so lucky that he can do all of this stuff by himself. That conversation really helped. He likes it when I scoop him up and hold him like I would a baby. I rock him and say "Oh my little baby." He will squeal that he's not a baby and then I tell him that he will always be my baby. Then he runs off happy, as a clam.

Long story to say that I think you have a little of both - jealousy and a stage.

Under stress (even good stress of exciting and fun events), everyone regresses a little, and needs a little gentle nurturing and even babying.

I suspect you may have inadvertently created a little of this by focusing overmuch on 'alone time' with him, which may imply to him that in order to get what he needs, first he needs his sister put away.

Just out of curiosity: did the chart come before or after the onset of the problem?

Life is frustrating for a 4yo, particularly one whose whole life has just been shredded and is now raining down around him. Generally, it is easiest to get through these stages of upset by calming down life as far as possible. I mean 'going baby speed' again, even with him.

When you pamper him more than he needs (and he needs it) he'll stretch again away from it, but while he needs it, trying to convince him he doesn't will just take the problem further and further into the future.

Lots of 4yos go from being generally-agreeable into a phase of more personal power development when they don't feel like being agreeable anymore. Some childrearing expert called these phases 'disequillibrium', which he speculated came around the middle of the year and abated around the next birthday. If he's 4.5, that would make this pretty standard.

My boys are 4 years apart (8 and 4 years old). When Gavin was 4 and we brought Samuel home from the hospital, everything was fine at first. About a month or so into "new brotherhood", Gavin started to not listen and throw little fits. I think it was brought on from him having so much attention for 4 years and then all of a sudden the focus is turned on to little brother. We never treated him any differently or gave him less attention, but now there was someone else in the house that needed mom and dad as well. The good news is that it didn't last too long, but every now and again that behavior pops back out. I think it's pretty normal growth and development. :) Good luck.