Hi there. I've got a four year old (5 this month) who has just started Kindergarten. She is doing very well, and is academically very far forward, reading books for 3rd graders. She has always been very strong willed, and very intelligent....but, emotionally she has seemed to regress over the last couple of months. She was always very prone to intense temper tantrums, screaming at the top of her lungs, lashing out and sometimes wetting at the same time. The tantrums were so overwhelming that nothing worked, talking softly, comforting, speaking sternly, leaving her to ride it out....
Luckily they disappeared for a few months, and she seemed to grow emotionally so that she could rationlise her behaviour, or check it herself before she got to that stage. Unfortunately this has come back - so getting out of bed for school, dressing, eating breakfast, and in particular putting her shoes on and leaving the house has become a minefield. Every single action that requires her participance has her crying and sitting on the floor! In the evenings she is tired and frustrated, so homework ends up being thrown across the room and then it all breaks down.
This evening has been particularly bad, she has had a tantrum that has lasted 30 minutes, which involved her pushing me backwards down the stairs, and then screaming so loudly that it sounds like I am beating her! It's awful and has made me feel physically ill. My husband did go up to her and she calmed down immediately, even laughing and giggling with him. It makes me feel like she hates me, and that I can't seem to do anything to please her. Anyone out there got any advice for me, please?
Thank you everyone, so much for all your advice. This is the first time I've openly admitted to someone outside our family and friends that my daughter's tantrums are having a huge impact on our family, and that it is time for it to be dealt with properly. I've shown my husband the replies, and he is more willing to back me up, and we will be buying the book recommended by some of you. Also, if this behaviour continues we will definitely be booking her in for some counselling to help her (and us!) deal with this. On a plus note, I've had her first Parent/Teacher conference today, and her Kindergarten teacher is delighted with her progress and has said she is a pleasant, happy and fun kid to have at school. So at least she is nice to everyone else! Thanks again.
Wow--that's intense. Any chance that it could be adjustments to kindergarten? Any possibility that kindergarten is happening too early? I wonder how her teachers says things are going in school. Good luck!
Dear E.,
Wow! What an overwhelming situation! The first thing that came to mind is that, although your daughter is an advanced reader, developmentally she is very young to be in kindergarten. My daughter, now nearly 15, had another year of preschool and started kindergarten at age nearly 6, instead of the prior year, when she would have been on the young side (as is your daughter). Kindergarten is so much more structured than it used to be, and your daughter may be rebelling at that. If you live in the Bay Area, a wonderful resource is the Children's Health Council, part of Lucille Packard Children's Hospital/Stanford University Hospital. They have individual counseling sessions as well as group classes for parents and kids of varying ages. It might be a good idea to have her evaluated there. In the meantime, do talk to your school's principal and to the teacher.
Good luck!!
S. A.
I felt like I was reading about my own daughter who will be 5 on October 30. She is not quite as advanced as your daughter, but is at the "smart" table when it comes to group time in her K class. Let me just tell you that she does the same thing with the tantrums that can't be snapped out of, but she has for YEARS, like your daughter, which has nothing to do with going to school all day. The only thing that used to work for these scream fests was our dog, who passed away last year. I think the shower idea is a good one that I will try. We too have melt-downs in the morning, although a push down the stairs should be met with a swift and severe punishment, which I'm sure you know.
I am tired of all these people who are so anti-young Kindergarteners. I taught K about 6 years ago, and was put in a "developmental" class, which was made with the intention of most of the kids (having late birthdays) repeating Kindergarten. By the end of the year, I only had 3 of 20 that I thought should repeat, and two of those would have never signed up if it weren't for the premise of the class. The third child is now in special ed. I had the privelege of teaching these same kids last year in 5th grade, and my top three students had September and October birthdays and were from my "develeopmental" class. You know your child best.
I can say that the tantrums from my daughter are not as frequent as they had been, and I notice more maturity every year. I truly believe it has to do with the pace at which their mind races.
To avoid morning meltdowns, we do everything the night before and wake up at least 45 minutes before we have to leave. We choose every aspect of the outfit from the socks and shoes to the hairstyle and what to make for lunch. That way, there is usually no debate. We wake up to a predetermined breakfast, enjoy a half-episode of a favorite show, get dressed, brush teeth and hair, and we're gone.
Sorry so long winded, but I can't believe how similar our daughters sound!
I have to say the cold shower worked wonders for my daughter when she was 4. She would throw tantrums where she would just be totally out of control and scary. She was beyond out of control. I turned on the shower to VERY COLD, then went and picked her up kicking and screaming and put her in there clothes and all and closed the shower door. She immediately snapped out of it. She tried a similar tantrum only once more and as soon as she heard me turn the shower on, she stopped right in her tracks and never did it again.
I absolutley agree w/Stephanie A....she was ready academically for K, but wasn't ready emotionally or maturity-wise. As Stephanie mentioned, K is harder now & we owe thanks to those 'lovely' standardized tests kids take to rank the schools. They put a lot of pressure on teachers which changes the cirriculumn immensely so they're forced to teach to the test rather than the child/children. Your daughter is probably reacting to the stress & rigors of her day &, unfortunely, she's taking her frustrations out on you. We always hurt the ones we love. But she needs to learn that this is unacceptable behavior & I have to say, I'm very concerned about her pushing you down the stairs. That was a pretty aggressive act that could've resulted in a very serious injury to you. You didn't mention the punishment/consequences for this sort of behavior. Your husband needs to be involved in this & take equal part in dealing w/her so that she sees that the 2 of you are a united front & that he supports you completely. I agree that you may want to get her some counseling so that all of you have some skills to help deal w/her anger. Our son, who is almost 8 now & in the 2nd gr., has quite a temper & in adjusting to K, it reared it very ugly head. We got him some counseling (which he still goes to 1x/month) & it has really helped him. I think having an objective outsider was the best for him. How much homework does she have? In K, they should have one extremely simple sheet of homework per night, if that at all. It should not be a new concept that you are teaching her but a concept that has already been taught in class so that the homework reinforces the class work. A simple sheet of tracing letters or numbers or counting the objects & circling the number.... something she can do mostly by herself. I like the calming activity after school or maybe she needs to get some physical activity to get her willies out & be ready to focus on homework. I also suggest trying to get the homework done before dinner cuz maybe after dinner, she's just tired & ready for bed. Is she hungry when any of these outburst occur? You'd think by age 5, kids would tell us when they're hungry but they still don't so maybe make sure she's getting enough to eat throughout the day. Also, try a pretty consistent routine & schedule of play, homework, dinner, bath & bed so that she knows what's next. Maybe she needs to go to bed earlier? How is her behavior in class & at school in general....does she have these outburts in class or act aggressively towards the teachers & kids? Has she established any friendships yet w/the kids? Could be a lack of friends that's also causing her outbursts. Our older son is bright & very articulate so I expect him to be able to put to words what is upsetting him but even at 8, this is still a struggle for him at times & most kids his age so I'm sure this is some of the problems your daughter is having....just can't express verbally what is bothering her. Scarey to think, but we're almost halfway thru the year so I strongly suggest you move quick on this. K is the foundation for school & you wnat her to enjoy it & have a positive experience. Sorry to have rambled on so long her but hopefully, you'll find something helpful in all of this! Best of luck & welcome to the states!
This is not a tantrum. This is acting out and needs to be punished. She cannot get away with pushing you down the stairs without SEVERE consequences. Unless you want her to do it again. If it was my 4 year old (yes, I have one) He would have gotten an immediate spanking. When I was a kid, if I acted like that I would have heard "Stop Now or I'll give you something to cry about" and believe me, we stopped. We knew our parents meant business. Show her that you do too. A tantrum is bad enough but this is an attack and needs to be punished!!!
My daughter also had a hard time when she started school, remember she is a young kindergartner so that may contribute.
It helped us to make sure our daughter got lots of sleep as she was so tired from school. We also posted a schedule on the fridge of her morning routine , we used pictures and words. it helped our mornings go smoothly as all I had to say was "have you finished your schedule?"
Routines are so important at home as well as at school.
good luck, be patient.
A little reward system may work also.
hope you don't mind me asking which area you live in, i also moved here form the UK. We've been here 7 years.
I'm glad to hear you are settling in well.
M.
I just read this in a parenting magazine and I summarized it and keep it in my purse. I have a 2 year old that has been having fits that are just out of control. I hope this might help you like it did me.
10 Things to do when you kid throws a fit
1. Ignore
2. Give the child space
3. Create a diversion (take snacks or old toys in your purse and pull them out when you can tell they are getting ready for a meltdown
4. Find out what is frustrating the kids (for kids that can't talk yet)
5. Hugs (they make the child feel secure and let them know that you care and can settle them down
6. Offer food (sometimes they are just tired or hungry)
7. Give an incentive (On your way to a restaurnat say Mommy is asking you to sit and eat your dinner nicely tonight, And if you behave we will have a treat when we get home candy, treat, watch a movie, stay up a little late.
8. Speak Calmly
9. Laugh it off (when others are staring, just smile and continue on, people want to see how you are going to react, so dont)
10. Get out (leave the place where it all stated, walk out of the store to the parking lot till they calm down, get in the car, walk to another isle or room. A change of scenery can help
I am very concerned about your daughters behavior. She sounds like maybe the move to the US was more for her then what she verbally can say. It is amazing the she is only turning 5yrs. and can read 3rd grade level. So she sounds like she could do a lot with herself and a great future.
What concerns me is that if she is already trying to push U down the stairs at this age, what will happen in 10 yrs. when she is 15yrs.old and much stronger for U to handle... I know this by my own experience from my daughter when she was younger. It was HELL.!!! What I would do is seek some-type of counseling for her and see if that might do her some good.
And for you.... YOU NEED TO BE STRONG... For many years to come and no matter what she says, you will have to try and not be to negative toward her. I assure U this isn't easy, but necessary if You want to be closer when she gets older.
My daughter is now 29yrs.old and we are the best of friends. Thank God I survived through that hellish ordeal...
If hind sight could be for sight is what I say...
I do wish you and your daughter all the best happiness to come as the future drives onward.
May Gods Hand Give You Strength!!!! D. W.
I have the same thought as some other people - she may be a bit young for kindergarden. Is it all day? Has she expressed any fears about not knowing all the new kids etc? My daughter just turned 4 and started a bigger preschool and hates it. She is telling me it's "too big. There are too many kids" etc but she also started acting up a lot too when this school started. She started doing weird things too like not being able to pee when she said she needed to. This preschool is only 2 days a week and I didn't want to just quit so I or our nanny have been going with her and staying. And overall we've cut the time to just about 2 hours. Her behaviour has gotten much more normal. I know it's not an option to cut the hours or stay at kindergarden but this whole thing has made me wonder if she'll be ready for kindergarden next year too. She's a late Sept bday so is young. She's always been so social that I thought she'd be fine (and she seems at least average intelligence) but maybe emotionally she's a bit immature. So I'd explore the kindergarden issue. That is young to start and maybe it's too much for her but she's not verbalizing it and instead is acting out. One thing I did that may have helped is have 2 girls from her class over one night for a playdate. She seems much more excited to go now. Does you daughter have a good friend or two in class yet? If not, she may be a bit lonely and scared.
Good luck! Btw - I know many people who are having their "young" kindergardeners repeat or have pulled them out for another year of preschool. Bc so many people are doing it now, it makes it even harder on the young ones as they're in class w/ kids a whole year older which is a lot at this age.
Hi E.!
Your daughter sounds like my son when he started Kindergarten. Our Kindergarten was an all day program, and I found that he was just too tired....plain & simple.
I had to establish a new routine for him to get him through school. You might have to do the same for your daughter.
After school, she should be laying down and resting, either by reading a story with you (or alone) or even watching TV. Then eat, too. After that, get out her homework and invite her to tell you "how smart she is". Pretend like you don't know how to be a Kindergartner (in a silly way) and she will do her homework to show you how smart she is :o) This is how to get through the first week, anyway. After that, some struggles may arise, but at least you've established the routine to do homework after school and NOT before bed. At bedtime she's just too tired and the "patient moments" have passed.
As far as her having only tantrums for YOU...well, that all goes to how much she loves you, of course. I know it doesn't make sense now, but our kids are MOST comfortable with their moms, so they show us the best & worst. Try to take it as a compliment :o)
Hope this helps you in some way.
:o) N.
Hang in there I know at the time it seems like this will NEVER end but time does go on. I have a set of twins (boys) that will also turn 5 next month and just started Kinder it has been hard adjusting for everyone but I truly think that as long as there is a routine in place things will get better. I have found that if the schedule is thrown off a bit the boys act totally different (i.e. more meltdowns and talking back) So just stick to a rountine. Take it as it comes we are all different and little people are no different then us grown ups. Good luck.
Hello. We have a daughter, now 6, who has had episodes like
yours since she was a toddler. We have tried several techniques and found the most success from those suggested in
"Raising you spirited child" by Mary Kurcinka. She discusses why different parenting techniques result in different results (like your and your husbands) but best of all doesn't lay blame. Instead she help you understand the make up of your child and gives practical tools to help them help themselves.
Good luck and let me know if you want the specifics of what we did.
I love the book Raising Your Spirited Child. I use it as sort of a reference. You have to decide what's best for Your child and maybe there's not a "text book" answer, but the book has helped me immensely in understanding my son.
He, too, is 4 (5 in 3 weeks, also in K) and still has huge tantrums. What I do is kneel down to his level, talk very calmly and quietly and tell him to breathe. Of course at first this doesn't work. I keep repeating it. If he doesn't stop , I send him to another room and say it's ok to cry, but I won't hear it anymore. I tell him to go sit, take breaths and when he's calm he can come back. This usually works. He's learned that breathing is helpful. Remember, they don't want to feel this way either!
I guess my point is that I can only help him use tools, but he needs to calm himself down.
Good luck!
Hi E., I've just read your post. I'm glad to hear that the replies you got were very helpful to you. Have you thought of taking your daughter to a good homeopath? I think that homeopathy can really help kids (and adults) to be able to integrate our own personalities into the situation that we need to live in. I just found this link that might be helpful http://www.homeopathy-cures.com/html/children_behaviour.html I take my daughters to see Edi Pfeiffer http://www.berkeleyhomeopathy.com/index.html and the remedies that she's prescribed for my kids seem to have really helped them to be happier and more easy going with life. What a relief for our family.
All the best to you!
S.
Most people probably won't be happy with what I'm about to say but remember that this is a last resort solution. When my mom was raising my brother she had a problem where he would throw temper tantrums so bad that he would throw up and be unable to calm down once he started. My brother's pediatrician told my mother to turn the shower on really cold and pick him up with clothes on and everything and set him into the cold shower. It took about 3 times of her doing that when he got onto one of his temper tantrums for those really bad ones to stop. You have to set her in there and walk out of the room. Stay near by but make it so that she can't see you. She will be shocked by the cold shower and will also be shocked by the reaction. Keep it in your pocket as a solution if you continue to have trouble. It can be difficult when you are trying to deal with getting her ready for school but if it pays off in the long run it may be worth it. I know it's somewhat extreme but it may help if you continue to have trouble.
