I have a beautiful and very bright 4 and half year old little girl. She is the apple of my eye, and generally one of the easiest children ever. But lately, she has been having a lot of control issues. for example
1) she fights bedtime every night. No matter what we are doing, she just keeps wanting to push it back and choose when she goes.
2) she doesnt want to wash her hair. She struggled and whines every time we do.
3) lunch or dinner. wants what she wants and pouts if she doesnt get it.
4) what she wears. she ALWAYS wants to wear a dress. it cant just be a dress either, it has to be a "fancy" dress. I will even give her options, either she can wear the fancy dress and we will stay home all day, or, she can wear a play dress or a skirt and shirt and we can go to the park and play. She would rather sit at home and wear the fancy dress.
she even had a total melt down at school the other day over duck, duck, goose. she said she didnt know how to play (which she does) and the teacher even offered to hold her hand while she ran around and she had a total sobbing melt down over it.
i know a lot of it has to do with her toddler brother. He is a fairly demanding child and pretty much rules the roost. I know that he controls a lot of our lives and that she is trying to feel the same amount of control, but she is really going at it the wrong way and when i try to address it with her, she just has a total melt down. i DO spend one on one time with her, although not as often as i would like, we do have special time with just us away from her brother, she also gets time with me when he takes a nap, and he goes to bed 1/2-1 hour earlier then her so she gets alone time with her dad and i at night also.
any suggestions?
There are two terrific books by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and Siblings Without Rivalry. You will find them both extremely helpful. Find out how to validate your daughter in a way that will help her be part of the solution. She'll feel better about things, and so will you.
She needs to know... that SHE is okay...that SHE counts.... and validate her... even her icky feelings. Even adults need that.
Next, I had a SUPER overbearing/cantankerous/demanding sibling. I HATED growing up with her... I was the more mellow one, so I got the brunt end of everything... and everyone, because of my mellowness and ease of getting along... EXPECTED me to be 'able' to put up with my sibling.
NO. This is wrong to expect of any child, no matter how old or young. You see... being the door-mat of a sibling like this is MISERABLE for the other sibling... and as I got older, it caused a lot of stress and real emotional problems... because of the stress my BOSSY demanding sibling caused. You CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT let a child, "rule the roost." He will destroy the well-being of your other child. I know, I lived it.
No wonder, your girl is acting out. You need to realize.... she is very young... and behavior like this, is because of STRESS and inability to cope.... with her demanding brother who rules the roost. In other words... HE (whether for good or bad), gets his way and controls everything. That includes your 4 year old girl. You cannot expect her... to handle him, nor HIS problem.... like an adult. Adults even have a hard time handling it... as you said, he rules the roost. AND... he is creating a real problem, in your girl. Emotionally.
It doesn't matter how much one-on-one time you spend with her after he goes to bed... BECAUSE the whole DYNAMIC of the siblings and the family is affected. Your girl acting out and being "controlling" as you call it.... is a child's way of trying to COPE with the problem. When a child gets "controlling" like that in relation to your son.... she is merely trying to cope.
It is the dynamic that is in the family and that your son created.... created... that is affecting your daughter. ADversely.
As I said, I grew up with a sibling like that... and it was MISERABLE. It is not fair... nor age-appropriate for her to be expected to "know" how to cope.... with it.
You say she is going about it the wrong way.... but really, she is just being a 4 year old... who is not happy with the situation. And yes, her trying to have her own way... is really a symptom of her stress. And I personally, sympathize with her. A 4 year old... is not going to understand "how" to rationalize with or toward a toddler who is so demanding and ruling the roost and controlling your daily lives. That is even too much to ask of an Adult. No wonder she has a total melt-down when you try to address it with her... to a little child's mind, its still not fair and MORE than she can handle. Keep expectations of her, age appropriate and in refection of the havoc she must feel inside, because of her brother. Pick your battles... and simply let her be... too.
All the best,
Susan
she sounds like a normal little girl trying to learn how make choices. She is the age where being allowed to choose what to wear and who can touch her head is important. If you allow to her make some choices she will begin to develop the skill. This should allow her to move on to her next step in development. The best way to explain it is how my daughters Occupational Therapist said it, "Kids tell us what they need, we just have to be willing to listen." I was amazed at how much my daughter taught me at age 3 and 4. Later the OT told me what she needed and I said, "We have been doing that for sometime, it was my daughters idea." Maybe your little girl can choose her own shampoo at the store and choose how to rinse her hair. I would let her wear the fancy dresses because the cost of dress is never going to be as valuable as your child learning to make choices that are appropriate for her. As far as duck duck goose, some people just don't like their head touched. Maybe they can touch each other on the shoulder in that class. I hope this helps
I think you answered your own question.. you said your toddler ruled the roost..well you've got to get that under control. She is only watching and learning from the best at it. She doesn't understand nor will she care this isn't the best way to go about getting attention because as long as she sees her brother doing it and getting what he wants, she is going to continue with this. This behavior will only continue for a long time to come if you don't get both of them on the same page as for what is expected of them. Goodluck
