4 Year Old Acting Out

I don't really like the idea of withholding love and communication from the child that sounds like it would cause mental issues to me. Especality for a whole day/evening. My daughter misbehaved a lot more once I had her sister. She would be playing with her, talking to her and then the next thing you know she would pull her hair. We would put her in time-out and then make her tell her sister she was sorry. It's still an on going thing. Sometimes when I would get really fustrated with it I would pull her hair and ask if it hurt and when she said yes, then I would tell her that it hurts her sister when she pulls her hair and not to do it. It's an ongoing thing, however, parenting is mostly alot of repeating yourself. THink about how many times your mother told you to clean your room before you decided to start doing it without being told. How many times did you hear 'for the last time I told you bah bah bah'? It like nagging should be in our job describion or something. Ha ha!

have you been letting her help with the new baby? sometimes as adults we can't reason in kid terms. If you use the baby as an exuse for not doing something with her then she is starting to resent him and just wants mommy to her self again. try having a day or just a few hours of girl time. let her do something special. also i was reading how sometimes an older child sees you babying the new addition and how they miss getting those attentions. If you rock the baby or rub its back it may be that she is wanting the same thing since it is something special.

try telling her she is a big girl and big girls get privliges that babies don't like staying up a few minutes or half an hour later. Also try having dad spend more time with her while you feed the baby or give the baby a bath. That away she is getting attention at the same time as her brother. Also make sure you remember her actions are due to her fustration over wanting attention and coping with her own feelings. After all its hard giving up all the attention to a tiny infant.

I think I see something in your request, spirited girl and precious boy? Time out's usually work, then separating them from the other kids (same day only). I watch my grandkids 9,8,7,7,4,1 and 1 month; I have a playroom for them and when one of them has to spend a day in the living room with me, that's torture for them, also biting is a day in the living room guaranteed, I don't have much problems with the biting anymore. I do remember when one of my kids wouldn't stop biting I finally got mad enough and asked why she did it, when she didn't have an answer I said "Do you want to have a piece of your sister in your mouth? That's what will eventually happen if you keep biting her." OK not one of my best moment's, but it got the point across and no more biting. I find that some of the moments I feel like I failed were some of the best things I could do for my kids. When my daughter told her high school class about the time I sent them out in the backyard to fight it out because I had had too much fighting that day, I said "only one of you can come back in" I was mortified, but the teacher said it made them talk and have to join forces to change my mind, so I guess it was a brilliant idea, I know I had lots of fun watching them sit on the back porch wondering how to get back into the house, I don't remember how they got back in that day, they don't either, but it was memorable up to then.
Oh I almost forgot, reward her for good behavior with special time with mom or dad. An ice cream out, reading a favorite book, time at the park. Start with short periods of good behavior and work to longer periods with bigger rewards.

I have 4 children and have gone through exactly the same thing. I would recommend the "happiest toddler on the block" by Harvey Karp and do some reading about Birth Order, Kevin Leman has some great books that deal with those topics. In the meantime, I know this sounds counter intuitive, don't punish her. Look her straight in the eye (she sounds pretty smart) and help her name her feelings and help her find better ways of telling you she is angry, "Name, you are mad, mad mad!" Then calmly, "I want to help." As you rightly point out she is mad about her brother- she will associate punishment with her feelings about her brother. The overall message should be feelings are ok- hurting others is not. Then make sure she sees some positives about being the eldest- give her status. Give her extra privileges (a small allowance, stay up later,an outing etc)-make these privileges a part of your daily routine and point out that this is "only for the eldest". Don't take these things away as consequence-they are her privileges for being the eldest. You might do something like, "wow, there has been so much fighting today, Mom just doesn't have the energy to take you out to spend your allowance- we'll try again tomorrow." It worked for me.

Look up the Magic 123 system... it really works, it's changed my life and the life of several of my friends. I'm sure you can find it at a local library and watch the movies.... really it works!

I wish I had a really great idea for you, unfortunately, my feeling is that your little girl is just reacting to the recent arrival of the little brother and her actions are telling you that she is upset and feeling a little off center.
Have you tried to really involve her in the life of her brother? Make her your little helper, let her fetch the clean diaper, or change of clothes, let her help you pick out which outfit you are going to put on her brother after his bath. When it is time to feed the baby, have her cuddle with you on the sofa and make it a time to read a book to her.
I definitely do NOT like the idea of "ignoring" her for any amount of time just because she is acting out. To my mind, it would just intensify her feelings of no longer being the "center of your world"...and make things worse, not better. I also feel like it goes directly against what I feel like a parents' real job is....to make sure that their child feels safe, loved and secure in this big frightening world of ours.
A Four year olds' attention span is not very long, so taking toys away from her for a day is not going to accomplish a thing...after about the first 5 minutes she is NOT making a connection between being denied her toys and her actions!! Parenting involves lots and lots and LOTS of repetition, when she does something that you don't like, the first thing is to count to ten...relax and be calm ( I know easier said than done), get down at her eye level and tell her why you don't like what she just did. Or simply don't react at all and redirect, redirect, redirect.
And...keep telling yourself...."This too shall pass"...because it will!!!
R. Ann

The biting back thing worked for me too. Didn't bite hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough that my son didn't like it. Problem was solved immediately. I also solved the pulling of hair that way with my daughter. I would pull her hair back if she did mine, and she realized it hurt...so she stopped.
Good luck!

I am sorry to read about so many of you having this kind of problems, God gave us the instruction book for training up our children, that He gives us, but instead we have looked to man and what they say is best for our children, Well I did what God said and that was rebellion (foolishness) is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
in Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
God knows what this child needs more than we do. But now days people are afraid to discipline. Look at what has happened to our children and our families, it is not working doing it mans way. Dad & moms are working all day no one wants to come home to have to discipline a child, so they just try to smooth over the problems until that get so out of hand you have to look for help, then they become teenagers and you can't handle them at all. Proverbs 19:18 Chasten your son/daughter while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his/her crying.
Proverbs 13: 24 He who spares the rob hates his son/daughter, but he who loves him disciplines him/her promptly (early).
Proverbs 29:15 & 17 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Correct your son/daughter, and he/she will give you rest; Yes, he/she will give delight ti your soul.
Proverbs is full of so much instructions for all areas of our life, but especially for our children, I know it works because my children were trained up this way, and they are both older with families of there own, and still bring us much delight and our grandchildren are a delight to have over also. I wish that for all you moms and dads out there, that your children will be fun and obedient to your voice, so that they can honor and respect you, and in the future they will respect other authorities over them.
I am sorry to have gone on and on, but I see so many families struggling with their children in the stores and they don't know how to handle them and making it unpleasant for them and all the other people trying to shop. When it just so much easier on the child and the parent to have already set the ground rules and they know when you say something you mean it, and they know the consequences if they don't listen to you.
grandma J.

Here is an idea that may work. I haven't tried it myself. It's something one of my daycare parents is having some luck with as she deals with her 4 year old boy.

She has recently started to explain to him that he must obey her or she will not spend any time with him, respond to him, or even acknowledge his presence. She warns him that she will not talk to him if he continues to obey. She makes it clear and then follows through. She says she'll simply ignore him completely for an entire evening. She'll watch over him and make sure he's safe. But she pretends she is deaf to him when he tries to talk to her. She'll walk away if he tries to sit with her or give her a hug. She says it's been effective because he hates it. The next morning he'll wake up and even ask if she's talking to him now. Then she'll love on him and tell him it's a new day. I've seen her in my house at pick up time warn him that they will have to have another night of him and her not talking with each other or spending any time together if he won't listen to her.

I know this idea may seem extreme. If it were me I would explain for days in advance that when they don't listen to me or treat me nicely, I don't enjoy their company and I should not have to spend time with someone that is so mean to me. I try and talk to my kids in terms they will understand. At age 4, they understand that it's mean if someone does this to them. But they don't seem to get the logical connection that they are being mean when they are the ones doing it.

Here's an example. 4 year old boy takes toys out of everyone's hands often. He's had all sorts of warnings, time outs, etc. It's gone on for months and he's still bad at it. One day a child takes a toy out of his hands. He throws a big fit and keeps talking about it for hours and tells everyone that will listen that so and so did this. This is a real scenario by the way. My mother and I talked with him about it several times that day. In the afternoon my mother was explaining to him how wrong it is to act that way and that he should never take anyone's toy again. So he looks straight at her and with a very earnest voice and says, "I know, but he took it from ME" He said it as if it's was the most unreasonable thing in the world for this boy to take it from HIM! These children at this age just do NOT make the connection between their actions and another persons feelings. I'm not entirely sure that all adults make this connection.

Suzi

We are expecting our second girl in November, so I'm trying to get advice on sibling rivalry myself. One suggestion my husband's cousin made was to make the oldest feel like her needs are as important than the baby's. For example, when you put the baby down for a nap, say, "Baby, Mama needs to spend time with Big Sister right now. It's her turn for cuddles." Or if you are in the middle of reading a story to the big sister, and the baby starts to cry, say, "Baby, just a minute, I'm reading with Big Sister. When we're done, it will be your turn." I know it's our instinct to rush to the baby, but really, one minute of fussing isn't that big of a deal to the baby, but jumping to his needs first all the time and leaving the sister out, makes a huge difference to her. Hope that helps a little! Good luck!

This is what I did and am doing with my little guy who lacks self control, he is also 4. We made a chart, it has 5 rows. One for the days of the week, three for strikes and one for smiles or frowns. When he hurts someone not only does he get a 4 minute time out he also gets a strike, which really upsets him. If he get two or less strikes he gets a smile face. If he gets three strikes he gets a frown. He love drawing on the smile face. My son likes to stay up late and rock with me so every 5 smiles, he gets that special time with me. A month of smiles and he gets to pick out a treat from Walmart. He is devastated if he gets a strike he has never had more than one and he has 1 day left before he gets a treat. We have only had a total of nine days with one strike on them. The best part about it is, it has helped me to stay consistent with my discipline. After his time out we always talk about why he hurt and what he could have done instead of hurting someone. Also when I introduced the chart I sat down and explain how it worked, I even him write his name on it, with a little help. Good Luck.

This could very well be a phase of trying to get attention since there is a new little one STEALING some of mom and dad's attention away from her. Regaurdless, not acceptable. You and others may disagree with me, but it worked fro my brother (doc's advice 20yrs ago) as well as 2 of my kids. My daughter was worse than my son. But the biting can be cured if you bite them back. Not a nibble, but not so hard either..just enough to get their OUCH reaction. May work with the pinching thing too. I wouldn't do the hitting though. I do draw the line there. Time out is the way I would go EVERYTIME. I would React with a loud painful OWE! when she hit you and tell her that she hurt mommy and you don't like it when she hits. Proceed to tell her when she hits, she has to go in time out and have her apologize. When she gives you a hug/kiss tell her how much you love hugs/kisses. But I am telling you, I bit my daughter once and she stopped for about a year. Then the second she bit someone, i bit her back. She only had one more incident after that (at age 6!) but I cured that too. Same for my son, it took 2 little bites and he's good. But this is your choice if you want to try this method. It may sound mean, but I tried EVERYTHING before I listened to my mother's advice about the bitting. I was at my witts end and was finally ready to go to this extreme. And it WORKED! Good Luck to you!!

How about spending some one on one time with your 4 yr old. She may be feeling a little left out. Even if you're not leaving her out at all. Going from the center of attention to having to share the spot light isn't an easy thing for some children. Every day have your hubby take over the little one and spend a whole hour of nothing but you and her. Take her to the store with you or for a walk. Or just play dress up in her room. But don't get up to help with the baby during "her time". I don't know if that will help, but it's worth a shot. Good luck!