3Yr Old Granddaughter Having a Horrible Time with Her Parents Divorce

She needs counseling NOW.

If I were you, I would talk to mom and dad and tell them that the girls should not be told in advance when dad is planning to come. That way, when he shows, it's a happy surprise, not a bitter disappointment.

I would also talk to dad about stepping up his game. If the girls feel like dad is too busy for them and they don't feel the unconditional love that a girl needs from her father, they may very well end up looking for it elsewhere with horrible consequences.

If I were you, I would cuddle my GD as much as possible; tell her you are there for her always and you will never be too busy for her. Then I would follow that up with phone calls, little silly cards in the mail, whatever you can do to continually remind her that you are there and thinking of her ALWAYS.

She needs Therapy.
She is going through a "trauma."
Divorce.
I know a woman that went through a divorce and she had 2, kids. Both toddlers at the time.
AND she got them, child Therapy, to help her children cope with the HUGE changes in their lives and the divorce.
She said, it was the BEST thing, she did for them. And it helped, immensely.
She is a Counselor herself, BUT... as a Mom, she could not do it all. And she chose to, get a Professional, to help her children.
And it made a huge difference.

Your poor granddaughter.
So many things, expected of her. And she is only 3.
She is having to deal with adult things. And a child cannot cope nor understand all of that.
At 3 years old, their emotions are NOT even fully developed yet, nor their impulses, nor their coping skills of which many adults do not even have coping skills. Kids that age do not even have fully developed deductive nor inductive reasoning. And they do not even have, fully developed communication nor are aware of their own emotions.

Please suggest to your daughter that she and her children get into some family counseling. This is a huge adjustment for your granddaughter, they need some professional help to assist them in navigating this major change with age appropriate suggestions.

I agree stop telling the kids in advance about visit plans, until you know FOR SURE he is able to come.

Mom needs to run some damage control and "talk him up" to the kids.

Why does he live an hour away? Who moved.... and why?

When you say your daughter has tried to talk to her ex-husband.... what about?

Divorce is VERY destructive to kids. This is something they didn't ask for and they didn't want. And at 3/4... they don't have the verbal skills to work through it on their own. I agree some therapy might help.

Transitions are hard. REALLY hard. Try to make them as simple as possible - and as structured. We had a send off routine and a pick up routine. ALWAYS THE SAME. Same dinner. Same books read. Same, Same, Same. So my daughter knew EXACTLY what was going to happen at my house.... because she couldn't control what happened at her dad's or that she had to go to her dad's. So, try to make everything the same when she returns as the last time. Same drop off time, same routine. See if that helps her ease back in.
Also LOTS of talking and reminding about how things "work" at different houses. Remember, at mommy's you take a bath right before bed. Remember at mommy's you always have one bite of vegetables at dinner.

Let her talk about her dad. Ask what she does there. Ask what she likes when she goes there. Say positive things about her dad. But also shadow how frustrating it must be. Empathize with her. "I know it sucks that you don't see your dad everyday. You must miss him, huh" and let her grieve for the loss of her family. And then give her tips...." when I feel sad about something, I xyz.... what do you think would make you feel better?"

Good Luck.

Hi L.,

If I were in your shoes, this is what I would suggest:

I think the adults need to stop telling your granddaughter that 'daddy's coming' until he's actually called and said he's on his way. This would be the kindest thing to do for your girl. She's really at an age where she just can't understand why he doesn't come. Kids don't 'get' jobs or overtime.

My mom and adoptive father divorced when I was about 8 or so. He was in the National Guard. During the years I was 10-11, he was regularly called out to fight forest fires. It was very disappointing, even when I could logically understand WHY he wasn't coming. Like your daughter's father, he didn't have a choice in the matter and often didn't find out until the last minute.

Even though we could reasonably 'understand', our feelings were still very, very hurt.

Continue to be consistent with your granddaughter and continue with the gentle guidance you describe. Some kids really do benefit from play therapy, and since you are seeing regression, consider talking to her pediatrician and getting a referral. Her family is torn apart and this is HUGE because the entire structure of her life looks different to her.

Remember, too, that if he's emotionally checked out, it will be his parents that your grandkids will be connecting to. Sometimes, having those anchors in our lives help us to become more resilient. It takes time, certainly, for us to appreciate them for all their help and support. It's so caring of you to ask this question, L.. In any case, that is what I'd do for now: only mention visitations when you know he's on his way.

You are a wonderful person and your grandchildren are lucky to have you in their lives. I say this because you NOTICED. My husband and I separated 18 months ago. The most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do was tell our children (4 and 6) that mommy and daddy are not being nice to each other and daddy is not going to live with us anymore. We are both committed to being as involved with our children as possible so we worked out a shared parenting schedule. We need our kids and they need us. Our children are with me for 3 days and then dad 3 days. Ex-husband lives 1.25 miles from our house.

I wanted to mention the parenting schedule because it is still rough on the kids. Whenever they are with one parent, they both want to know exactly what day and time they will be with the other parent. It's as if they think we are not coming back. My daughter (4) has always been a mommy's girl, but she had a particularly rough morning today. Today is day 3 with me so even though she prefers me, she still wants/needs her dad. She woke up crying because she wanted her dad. She would only put on the dress her daddy bought her and would not let go of her piggy that dad won her from a claw machine. She was mean, uncooperative and throwing a fit for 30 minutes. Like I said, rough morning.

Before all of this, I would have described her the same as you described your "old" granddaughter. When we first separated, every morning was like this morning. My daughter's preschool teacher pulled my husband and I aside one day and said she was worried because our daughter wasn't eating at school. She did not want to play with the other kids and just wanted to color pictures of mom, dad, her and brother. To this day almost every picture she draws will say the words "mom, dad, her name and her brother's name" on it somewhere. Prior to the separation, she was the most social person I had ever meet. I used to joke that I did not know how she came from the 2 of us because we are not that outgoing.

She is slowly turning back into herself. She is beginning to make friends with anyone that will stand still long enough again. :) The rough mornings are maybe a few times a month versus every day.

You are doing the right thing by talking to her and just being there....ask her questions about if she is mad, sad, mean, etc.

My son was angry and withdrawn. He would snap at anyone if he did not like what they were saying. He is more of an introvert than his sister, but he seemed to be just shutting down. I made a point of asking him everyday if he was ok, who he was upset with and told him it was ok to not be happy sometimes. Sometimes things are just out of his control and it is going to make him unhappy. I told him mom/dad are unhappy sometimes too, but if he tells us when he is unhappy and why, we will do our best to try and help him. He was particularly angry/mean/aggressive speech towards his dad. We all sat down together and told the kids we know this is hard. It is hard for mom and dad too, but one of our jobs is to be the best parents we can be and mom and dad living together was not being the best parents we can be. We gave them a turn to tell us their thoughts and we addressed their fears/concerns, etc. We thanked them for telling us what was bothering them so we can try to help and then reminded them what behavior is acceptable and how to treat others. We told them what we expect out of them and what mom/dad are going to do to make this work the best we can. We reminded them, it is not acceptable to talk mean, hit, throw fits, be disrespectful, etc. just because they are not having a good day. Everyone has bad days sometimes, but it is not an excuse to be a punk and they will be punished at mom's and dad's house if their actions require it.

We have only had to have 2 of those conversations. Some days I will remind my son if he is not having a good day to just go take a timeout (some time to himself) in his room. Like I said he is an introvert and needs alone time. He is so much like me!

I believe us being consistent with how they are supposed to act has helped. They know they are not allowed a "free pass" to do whatever they want and they know what to expect out of us. Don't get me wrong, we all have had to bend on some rules. There is just no way my household or my ex's can run as smooth as it did when 2 parent's were on duty all of the time. We both get frustrated and stressed and end up yelling when the situation was not "that bad". I make sure I tell the kids I am sorry and mom needs a timeout to herself.

The best thing you can do is be there. Talk to her, listen to her, be honest on her level, reassure her it is ok to not be happy, reaffirm/reinforce what is acceptable and what is not, be consistent.

I am sure the situation is more difficult without their dad being close. I can't imagine trying to get my kids through this if my ex and I were not able to work with each other and be so close.

I just remembered for a while my son slept with a picture of his dad. Maybe that would help. He still has a piece of paper taped to his headboard that he wrote "I love mom and dad." It has been there for over a year now. We also let the kids pick a few things to take to the other's house that they got from/with the other parent. I know my son has a picture of me on his wall at his dad's. I am sure dad loves that!

I hope this helps. Feel free to send me a private message if you like. I have all kinds of things I could share!

I wish my kids had a grandparent like you.