3 YO Boy Not Very Independent

My boy is also this way, but I love his sweetness, and cherish these few days before he will run from my help (he's my last baby). You might just have different temperments and need to compromise so you are both happy. Good luck and great patience:)

Dear S.,
Our society has gotten to such a strange place with our littles. We want them to be independent so young. He's only 3. Still so very young. Don't we want them to be dependent upon us? To need to be in their family relationships? I guess that is what I see as the independent thing: pushing them off of needing us, and being self-sustaining as much as they can be at their age. Enjoy these days with him needing you. As he gains confidence, he will start doing more things on his own. As for things like pulling up his own pants and going potty on his own, I guess I don't see them as an "independence" issue, but more as a lazy issue. With my littlest one, I just giggle at her and encourage her that she can do it. Then, when she does, I say, "See, you silly girl, you can do it. You're such a big girl." And I hug her. She gets confidence, and it is a non-issue. Don't rush your sweet one. I know it can be challenging because it requires us to be so involved in their everyday happenings. But, to me, it is worth it to keep them fully connected with their family.

Dear S.,

My son's about six months older than yours, and he's still like that to an extent -- a sweet, gentle kid who's not that confident striking out on his own. What I guess I recommend is pushing independence in one area at a time. When N. was about 2.9, I basically laid down the law on carrying. He got carried up to bath/bed, or if he's fallen and gotten a cry-worthy bump, and that was it. That one step actually helped him take other steps and assert independence in other areas. But I wouldn't push independence in every area at once. That's likely to be overwhelming to a kid who's afraid to be independent anywhere and will likely produce a panicky reaction and/or a sensation of abandonment, in which your son is LESS likely confident doing anything on his own.

To save my own sanity -- I don't mean to assume that your sanity is in danger, mine just sometimes is :) -- I also try to remember that there are a whole lot of benefits to caution. My two-year-old nephew is VERY independent, to the point that he sees no problem with running out into the street, in busy traffic. He actually needs a lot more watching than my son ever did. My guy can be clingy, sure, but he's trustworthy beyond his years.

Oh, and on the specific question of pulling up pants, make sure your son's pants/shorts have elastic waistbands.

Good luck, and take it one step at a time,

Mira

IMO, I think you are going to have to MAKE him do things on his own. For picking out clothes, maybe take out 2 options and tell him it is his job to pick out the one he wants and get dressed. As for the bathroom, you have to be very stern and let him know that big boys pull up their own pants and that it is ok for him to go potty by himself. I would suggest taking him to the bathroom, and then leaving him and letting him know that you will check on him and then make him go by himself and pull up his own pants. Give him lots of opportunites to get things by himself, give him options so he has to make decisions on his own, and encourage him to do things independently. My son will be 4 on Sunday and he gets dressed by himself, goes to the bathroom by himself, pretty much can do most things independently, but that's because I refuse to do it for him and at preschool they reinforce them doing it themselves.

I really like what Kathy L. was saying. For our little guy, who will be 4 in November, we applaud him when he does the least little thing. I am not saying for blinking his eyes or anything like that... but when we see him tackling a new skill, we let him know that we notice. And he continues to try until he masters it.

One thing that is hard is to continue to praise even when they are making a mess. Our refrigerator has a water filter on it, and our son likes to get water for everyone in the house. This morning, he filled up my water cup and brought it to me in bed; up a flight of stairs, through a door he had to open, and to me. It was great! And terrifying. Did I encounter wet spots on the stairs? Yes. Did I point them out to him? Yes. Calmly. We wiped it up together, giggling.

I think a great option is to give your little one options. Do you want to wear this, or this? Do you want to pull your pants up by yourself, or do you want me to help you? (Make sure that your child helps you. That is a great way to begin to establish independence.) Do you want to eat with a fork or a spoon? The more choices you can give him, the more control he will feel like he has, and the less overwhelming it will be for all involved. And when my son starts crying, I know that he needs some extra love and attention, and I give it to him. Then he usually lets me know why he was crying, and we can solve the problem together.

I hope this helps!

There are so many reasons why children become clingy or exceptionally needy from time to time during these early years. In order for any advice to be effective, we would need more information to get a clue about what might be behind it. Sometimes, there is just no way to figure it out. Just before my son turned 4 he started refusing to wear sandals or any type of footwear that exposed the toes. He wore socks nearly all the time and seemed uncomfortable if I left the house in open-toed shoes. We couldn't figure it out and there was no persuading him on the subject. It wasn't until he was 9 or 10 that he asked me one day if I knew what he used to be so afraid of sandals. Of course, I was all ears! He said that when he was 3 he had a nightmare in which he put on a pair of sandals and they took control of his feet. They forced him to go where he did not want to go and to kick people and trip people and do terrible things. He said he was crying and wanting the shoes to stop and couldn't take them off in that dream.

So, years later, we understood the mystery of that quirky behavior. I never would have guessed it was all from one nightmare!

I am a natural therapist that works with children for many reasons, including learning difficulties and behavior issues. There are two things I do not recommend that parents do. The first is to search for a reason or cause for the problem and the second is to only focus on changing the outward behavior with rewards and/or punishment. Rather, I ask parents to consider what virtue would motivate the kind of behavior you wish to see in your child and then learn how to inspire that virtue. That may sound difficult at first, but it really is the most natural thing. It just requires a bit of learning on the parent's part.

I recommend that parents get the book, The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K Popov. If you visit www.VirtuesProject.com, you will find the book and many CDs of talks from their workshops and seminars which are truly helpful to learn the art of recognizing and encouraging independence and other strengths in children (and in yourself). The book will help you understand the skills of character strength we want our children to develop. It teaches you how to begin to encourage the development of patience, kindness, gentleness, courage, audacity, reverence, diligence, courtesy, humility, independence, friendliness, etc.

Many parents only focus on changing the behavior rather than helping the child develop a genuine desire to willingly participate with inner motivation. If you want your son to develop independence, what The Virtues Project would recommend is that you begin to notice anything your son does independently and to honor that. Do not make a big deal about it, just honor it genuinely. Little mentions like, "I see your independence when you pick up your own fork and spoon to eat your lunch. I remember when you were a baby and we did that for you. It sure is fun watching you become powerful." Then change the subject and don't go on about it. Spend a couple of weeks dropping little seeds of awareness like that. Switch it up with noticing his gentleness, noticing his honesty, noticing his creativity, etc. Then, after a couple of weeks, when he wants you to pull up his pants, you can say, oh Sweetie, could you use your independence and pull up your pants this time Then in another week or two, when you want him to pick out his own clothes (which many children are not interested in doing until about age 5), you can say something like, "I would like to see your creativity pick out the clothes you want to wear today." Be prepared for something creative and don't do this on a day that you would have to modify his choice. Another approach is to have two sets of clothes laid out and ask, "Which colors feel the most fun (or the most powerful, or the most playful, etc) to you for today? It is much easier for a child to learn to make choices if they are not overwhelmed with too many options. Keep it simple at this age.

If the needy behaviors continue after these sorts of efforts, we have helped many children to overcome similar issues in just a few sessions using a very gentle form of advanced acupressure techniques. There are not many therapists trained in this type of approach in this area, but it has been used around the world now for more than 20 years. We simply use a bit of light acupressure touch to help the brain to reorganize itself for more efficient function. Brain Integration and Integrated Healing techniques have been proven to be high;y effective for many people, but is such a kind and simple approach for young children with chronic behaviors that do not respond to normal discipline.

Hope some of these thoughts are helpful for you and your precious little guy. My precious little guy is well more than six feet tall now and living in another country. Just when you least expect it, they become so very independent!

Oh jeez, he's only 3 years old!!! Why are you trying to make him independent? He's a baby!!! Baby him.

It's unhealthy to expect kids to become "independent" too quickly. The best way to create an independent, strong adult is to give them a strong foundation of love and a sense of security. People in most other countries don't try to force this ideal of independence upon little ones. It is a uniquely American concept. And Americans have more emotional issues than most (any) other countries. We have the highest rate of drug use for things like depression, etc., anyway.

Listen to Tonya C. Everyone telling you it is good to force "independence" on a 3 year old is wrong. Sorry, people.

Maybe try making it fun for him to do things on his own. Make a game of it. And tons of positive reinforcement always works: ) When my son is expecting me to do something for him, I always tell him to try one more time on his own. When he does it, I get overly excited and I find that he's eager to do it on his own the next time. I also agree with Amy J. Now is a good time to start involving him in some day to day chores. My son is responsible for clearing and wiping the table after dinner for example. He loves putting things away in the fridge and dishes in the sink. He's also responsible for putting his clothes in the hamper, something he initiated himself, but we keep with it. Start slow, you might be surprised with his reaction. Kids love being a part of the inner workings of a family and he just might need a little push of positive reinforcement in the right direction. As for the potty issue, maybe start slow. Insist that he take his pants up and down on his own. Try not to give in. If you do it once, they'll expect it. Slowly inch your way to the door over the corse of a week. My son kicked me out of the bathroom and told me to stand in the hall : ) so I'm not really sure how to handle that one. Good Luck.

You are going to have to put your foot down. You will be met with a lot of resistence too. The things he knows how to do you just have to tell him that he is a big boy and can do it. My firstborn was the same way. He might be afraid of falling in the potty so that one takes awhile. Once he starts doing things for himself his confidence will skyrocket, so you are doing it for him essentially. Things that are safety issues like taking a bath, playing alone out front, etc. I wouldn't let him do alone. And things that give him love I would always do for him, like tucking him in at night. You might want to think about putting him in pre-school a few hours per week too. Times are different now and it is a rough world out there. We have to teach our kids to be survivors and take care of themselves as they grow up. This doesn't all have to be taught at the age of 3 but they should be doing some things on their own. Good luck!

You're totally right to want this! The things you mention are things he can do and will feel happy doing, but you do have to be firm. It's natural he doesn't want to do them, but you don't want him to set a pattern of refusing to do what you say this young. He shouldn't HAVE to choose his clothes (awesome that you don't have to fight that battle yet of him wanting rain boots to a summer formal function-don't worry, he'll get an opinion on that one day), but he should have to pull up his pants.

Make it a rule, enforce. "Son, you're a big boy. Mommy's not going to pull up your pants anymore. Whenever you do it yourself, we will continue with our nice fun day, and if you refuse, you will have a consequence for saying no to Mom." Every time he needs to pull them up, ask him to, and enforce if he doesn't.
Start to let him know you no longer come into the bathroom with him all the time, and no fits when you don't.

It's not so much independence you want to discipline him into having, as disciplining for not following your direct orders for stuff that matters, leaving it up to him when he feels like making choices about things that don't matter so much. Don't let him force you into leaving him in Babyland-he's almost 4!

It's normal for him to hold himself back because he loves your attention and care, but you do want him moving forward, he'll still have your love. Good work addressing this. Little men need love, security, rough play, and firm discipline to become confident and independent. If dad's in the picture, be sure he takes charge on this, he's the primary role model. Firm rules, manly paly. New responsibilities so he feels proud.

My 2 1/2 year old has to hold open the doors for his sisters and I (so cute, because the doors are too heavy and his older sister helps and he yells at her not to..thank god, I always have a stroller). At first, it was, "Son, hold the door!" and I had to enforce it. Now it's natural and he runs to all doors. He HAS to pick up his stuff (if I tell him to, which I don't always), he has to "help me" take out the trash. He feels SO PROUD when I say "Thank you, Sir." But he would get consequences for direct refusal to do things I say, he wouldn't be voluntarily independent about it. 3 Years old is NOT too young to build character. good job!

He might only be 3, but you have to start thinking ahead. Do you plan on putting him preschool? Most teachers in preschools won't pull his pants up and down for him. They will encourage him to do it himself. He's almost 4, which means in the next couple of years, if not next year, he will start kindergarten--no kindergarten teacher will go into the bathroom with him, and they won't pull his pants up and down either. He really does need to start learning to do this on his own--if you keep doing it, it could just become habit, and he will always expect you and everyone else to do it.