3 Year Old Won't Quit Whining - Help

My 2 1/2 yr old is the same way. I don't mean to offend but I'm going to give you advice that I have been given and that I give to others.

You said that she whines and cries until you give in. Unfortunately you have taught her to whine and cry because you give in. I know it's annoying and that you don't want her to do it but by giving in at all you are teaching her that by doing these things more or louder or longer that you will eventually give in.

There are books out there on behavior extinction. The worst thing is that it will probably be worse before it gets better. She will try even harder to get you to give in but if you stay firm and don't give in then eventually she will realize it's not going to change and that good behavior will get the desired response.

Good luck.

Hi I know exactly how you feel because I am going through the same thing with my little boy who will be 3 on Sept. 27th. I will count to 3 and if he hasn't stopped the whining screaming I take him to his room and sit him on his bed and he screams like someone is beating him and no one is even in the room. Once he calms down I go in and talk to him and then he gives in. I wish I could tell you something else to do but I can't. I hope someone can help both of us. I have also heard that it can last till they are 4 or 5. Oh I really hope not. I am a stay at home mom and on Fridays I spend time with some of my friends. I love my son so very much but listening to his crying, whining and screaming at the drop of a hat or because he don't get his way can be a bit much. So I get 1 day a week to spend away and have fun myself. I hope you get some good advice.
J. P.

I used to say "Who ever said the terrible 2's, evidently never had a 3 year old." Man if that is not the truth.

Any way. My Daughter did the same thing. Fits, tantrums, whinning, screaming the whole nine yards. I finally had to tell her, that she has the right to her feelings, but I didn't have to listen to it. I explained that when Mommy is upset she goes and sits in her room until she is calm. (which I do....) So she needed to do the same thing. When ever she is mad or feeling like she needs to yell, her room is the place to do it. It's her room, her safe zone..she can yell and scream in there all she wants. She can even throw things, but if they break I will NOT replace them. (I feel that all kids should have a place to express their feelings without fear of repercussions..)

This seems to work pretty well, when she felt the need to yell, she would go to her room. Then when she was done, she would come back out and talk to me. It has really helped keep the peace in my home.

I wish you luck and don't give up.

Yup somewhere around 3 or 4 they start to whine! Ugh.

I agree, not to give in. I tell my daughter I can't understand her when she whines. I've even copied what she says and how she says it (you should see the total look of horror on her face). I don't think they realize what they sound like.

If you are getting ready for a snack, ask your son what he'd like (if you're at home and have several choices, why not give him "the power" every once in a while). My daughter has to ask nicely, i.e. "May I have some milk, please?" If her whining turns into a full blown crying, tantrum, I tell her to go into another room (her room, the den, whatever - it doesn't really matter) until she is done. When she is done, she can come back out and join me. Its not a time-out, and there is no time limit. She is in charge of how long it takes for her to get herself under control. Sometimes its a few minutes, sometimes she takes longer. If it takes longer, I check on her, and she'll usually tell me she will be out in a minute. Once the storm is over, she is back to her usual pleasant self. We hug, talk about it, and life goes on.

In my opinion, the more you participate in the power struggle, or give in at the end, the longer you will have to deal with the situation. Once they know you are not going to engage, the behavior will settle down.

Good luck!

Walk away and ignore her. If she learns that this whining is actually working to get to you, she will keep doing it. If she pitches a fit about snack time, say SNACK TIME IS OVER and quietly clean up. If she complains she is hungry later, remind her that she was whining and that means it's done. She can wait until dinner. If she starts in with a tantrum then, calmly move her to her room and close the door. Say in a normal voice that she can come out when she is finished with her tantrum but not before. I know you say you are already doing this but are you doing it every time? You have to nip this in the bud if you want some peace and quiet in your house. Whining and pitching a fit is not tolerated and you have to mean business. This does not mean giving in to the tantrum in the store or while out in public either. My sons pitch a fit in the grocery store and I would leave them to cry in the aisle while I continued my shopping. I do not tolerate that at all. If you are going to whine, go do it someplace else because I refuse to listen to it.

If it seems like this has happened over night maybe it's because she feels as though she is not getting enough attention. My son went through this and when I started spending more time with him one on one, it stopped just as abruptly as it had begun.

If she is whining because she is a brat, nip it in the bud. If she is whining because she is missing something, give it to her. =)

Good luck!

Hi H.,

It doesn't matter boy or girl, I have 2 of each, and 3yrs was horrible. I wouldn't put her in her room because that should be a nice place to sleep and dream, not be upset. I found that my hallway, with no distractions was the "time-out" place. This is how I got through the 3's. First I made 3 cards, one green, one yellow and one red. When mine would whine (act out) after I asked them to stop, I would take away the green card, which meant everything was good, and put up the yellow card. This was a warning that if the behavior didn't stop I would switch the card again. If the behavior was corrected we left the card on yellow, because he/she already misbehaved. If I had to change the card to red this meant you had to go into "time-out". I would set a timer for 3 minutes for 3 year old, 4minutes for 4 year olds and so on. If they cried/screamed while in "time-out" they would stay in one minute extra or I would not start the timer until they quieted down. After the timer would ring, I would explain that I did not like when they whined,yelled or whatever they didn't need to act out. They would apologize and we'd say "I love you" to each other and as a day or two of this continues you will see a difference in the child. You always start the day on green. Also, I know you have a little one, so make sure you spend some alone time with just her. I know you work full-time but before you know it they'll be in college. Good Luck!!

C. B

I'm starting to wonder if it's just different with boys and girls. My son definitely started at 18 months and was "terrible" until some time shortly after he turned 3. Maybe girls start this later for some reason? Just something to remember in 6 months - hopefully your daughter will be done with it by then... Best of luck!

I too have a three year old who whines at everything. I took the advise from a friend and when she starts to whine I tell her "My ears don't hear whineness". It seems to work. She usually by the second time will talk to me in a normal tone.

That's a million dollar question alright!

I'm going through the same with my 3 yr old. What's working for me is to limit the choices I give her and to stay firm when she's not getting what she wants. Remember, everytime you give in, the more power you give her to whine. I've also stopped asking questions when I speak to her and I'm more direct with my wants.

I've also noticed that the whining escalates later on during the day. I'm associating that with giving up her nap. Does your daughter still nap?

My son matured a lot when he turned 4. I'm hoping she does too.

I'm like you with the nails on the chalk board. It drives me nuts, and everything's a battle. I wonder what it'll be like when they're preteens/teens? God bless us!

Good luck!

I am in complete agreement that there are more issues with a 3 yr. old than a 2 yr. old. My daughter also whines, however what seems to work pretty well with her is the statement..."How else can you say that to me?" I would just stand there until she changed her tone of voice, then I would respond to her request. I also say "I don't understand the whine use a different voice please." She seems to respond to this and she changes her tone of voice. She knows that the only way I'm going to respond either affirmatively or not is by her changing her tone of voice.

It's hard to be consistent and they are pretty determined to get their way, but they will use this again and again if it works even once. They're smart and they figure out pretty quickly to whine if that's what gets them their way. It won't stop until they know you mean what you say.

I hope it gets easier soon for you...we're having trouble here at times too but my daughter is pretty responsive to direct questions or statements that make her think about her behavior.

Good luck!

K.

Hi H.

As much as you don't want to hear this, her behavior is normal. She is going through a developmental phase where she learns how to make things happen. She wants to see what control she has over the world. You are her world.

Don't get angry. Don't get frustrated. Try to see it as an important phase. Its not that you want to break her will. You just have to understand the psychology behind it.

Everytime she whines and you EVENTUALLY give in, unfortunately, what you are teaching her is that it takes X amount of time of whining to get the result she wants. If you give in sometimes right away and other times you give in after 20 minutes, then that is almost worse, because she will learn to be even more persistent in whining. Each time you give in, you will reinforce the negative behavior that you actually want to stop.

The VERY best suggestion I can give you is to stick to your guns. REFUSE to give in because you are helping her learn to stop the behavior. You have to decide if this is a behavior that you want to extinguish or one that you want to have around forever.

Believe me, I have a close friend who hasn't learned this yet, and she has a 10 year old who whines constantly. Its part of the child's personality style now.

boy do I hear you! My son is 2 and does the same thing...everything has to turn into a tantrum or whining fit! I found the only thing that works is just walking away. Honest! Continue to give the choiceslike you do and if she wants to whine for something else tell her your going to go in the other room (i usually go into another room and just straighten up or something until he finishes) until she's done...tell her those are her choices and that's it...it has worked wonders for my son...he still has an occasional fit, but he knows it won't get him anywhere so as soon as i start walking away, he stops and comes over to me...when he comes over (assuming the fit has stopped) i make him ask nice for whatever he was whining for and then we just go about things like nothing happened. He still whines occasionally, but the fit lasts literally less than 10 seconds now and I don't get so stressed out trying to fix it...there really is no way to fix it, you know? I've heard that it's just kids testing limits and experimenting with ways to get what they want...whatever the reason, i needed it to stop! I have the shortest fuse for whining so i totally understand your frustration...just pretend that it's no big deal and walk away...good luck!

Ha! You too? Thank goodness. I have a 3 year old boy who has recently started the same thing. I have found that a "naughty stool" helps, or just the threat of one. (Thanks super Nanny!). He typically whines through his 3 minutes but then he's so happy to be done he often moves on. This is far from fool proof that's for sure. I am rather relieved when other kids in same age group are exhibiting the same behavior I am often appalled by in my own child.
I know just what you mean like nails on a chalk board. I just have to get that kid out of ear shot sometimes! I can't stand it either, I do try not to loose my temper but its not always easy. Luck he's so often so cute and charming!!:)
Sorry I haven't found a solution to share but I did want to commiserate with you on this anyway!!! I'll be reading the responses to see if anything good comes up 'cause I'll try most things!!

I could have written your post. I have a 3 y/o son (and 12m old son, too lol). Anyway, all of a sudden Jacob (3 y/o) has started with very similar actions that you mentioned. I know it's a phase and he's testing. But, I can tell you that we never, I mean never give in. I don't care if he fits in the store, at a restaurant (did it at Paul Bunyon's in Wis Dells a couple of weeks ago). He doesn't get what he wants.

I explain to him that we don't talk that way. At first, if he wants a cookie he will say, "Waaaaaant iiiiiiit." I tell him I can't understand him when he talks that way. At first I would have to have him repeat me "May I have a cookie, please." But after (what seems like) a 1000 times, all I have to say now is, "How do we ask for things in this house?" And he'll go into the "May I..." routine.

For the extreme fits (tears/falling on the floor). I let him do it for a little bit and then I tell him if he doesn't stop he will have to go in time-out for screaming. I will get down to his level or bring him in another room and talk to him. I get him to count to three with me and then take a deep breath and then exhale. I usually have to do it alone a couple of times and then he will join in. (Hey, it's good for me, too and really is relaxing.)

I'm not sure about the sending to his/her room. My husband did that recently with Jacob and I've read that you shouldn't. Something about a negative association with their room, maybe. But, I also agree that if s/he's going to be having a fit it's not fair for the rest of the house to have to suffer. I'm on the fence about that idea, still.

So, you're not alone! I think it's just something that we have to be consistent with and not give in. No matter what. Once they realize that the more stink they make, they get stuff - then it's all over. Lol.

Good luck!

EDITED to add: Yea, I think I like Margo's response a lot. Letting them tantrum thrower decide when they are ready to be part of the household. That gives some control and I think they want that. I think I'm gonna try that one. So, thanks for the posting Margo and thanks for asking the question H.!

My daughter just turned 3 and she started the same behavior about 2-4 weeks before her birthday. I agree with Margo. A friend of mine gave me similar advice too. I say, go ahead and throw your tantrum, but I will not listen to it and I walk away. If she continues to follow and scream at me, I tell her that is not how we talk to mommy and if she's going to scream AT me then she can be in her room. She went to her room everyday for about 1 week and then we had a huge blowout two days in a row before her birthday, where she was sent to bed right after dinner. Since her birthday things have calmed down significantly.

It's best not to engage in a battle with them because that's what they want. I've been trying to use the sympathy card with her too to head off a tantrum. She also has a 1 year old sibling, btw. I tell her, it must be tough to blah blah blah.
Some kids take longer than others to get through this phase, from what I hear. After 2-4 weeks of being very strict (we use the bedroom at the last resort, btw

Try demanding that she use words. Whining and tantrums do not get anything of her requests. You are the parent and you choose to not let her carry on. Empower yourself with a strong discipline of not giving in to her whining and demands. Sing or do something that shows her if she whines your not listening. When she uses words give her a hug and tell her that she did a nice job using her words. And for your own sanity not so many choices for now. This is what we are having now and if you whine I cannot share, then move on. Do not back down or this will continue. Good Luck!

Oh hell, I don't know if mine started this super early, or if it's going to get even rougher... my son is 18 months and we've just started this. It's to the point where I had to let him have his tantrum in the living room (which is still baby-proofed)and sit on the stairs with my iPod for 5 minutes and cry. I knew I shouldn't give in to his crazy demands (like letting him put a rock in his mouth, put his toy cars in the garbage can, etc.) but that didn't make it any easier to listen to the screaming. Maybe some sort of simple reward system would work for you? I'd love to try it with my son, but he's just a bit too young to understand the concept I think. Invest in a bunch of stickers, and make up some sort of chart to show her basic daily activities, i.e. get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, take nap, take bath, bed time, whatever your day entails, and for each activity she does without fuss, give her a sticker to put on her chart. Then if she gets all of her stickers in a day, maybe she can have a sucker or a scratch and sniff sticker, 30 minutes of TV time, whatever is an appropriate reward in your household. If all else fails, get an iPod and some tissues. ;-)

H.! It is like I am reading my life story. I too am 33 and have a 3 year old daughter and 14 month old son. I COMPLETELY agree that the "terrible two's" is an old wives tale. It was once she turned 3 that things turned.
I am dealing with the same issues you are - along with sassy backtalk and attitude.
I have a naughty step that she goes on after one warning of misbehavior and although it does not prevent her from future tantrums, it does calm her down and makes the behavior stop temporarily for that time. Perhaps you could try that?
I avoid her room as that is where she sleeps so I would hate for her to associate that room with punishment.
Good luck - I will be reading your responses for advice - thanks for posting issues from my life too :)
M.

Unfortunately kids whine. I think that no matter how hard a parent tries it just happens. Just make sure you aren't reacting to it and you don't go back on what ever you said prior to her whining. Keep doing that and eventually she'll learn when she's in junior high.

Hi, I agreed with one of the posts about whoever said terrible 2's didn't have a 3-yr old!!! My daughter started around 3 or so, and she will be 6 in November and doesn't show any sign of slowing down. My hubby and I are at wits end - it is soooo frustrating. I feel like such a failure as a Mother because I CANNOT control her - she is sooo strong-willed. I feel like I am consistent, but I am sure I am not 100% of the time because she just exhausts me. I read several posts as well, and I really need to be 100% with whatever I do... aaarrrgggh, being a Mom sure is the hardest thing I have ever done! ha!

p.s. Now to add to the whining, she will pull the "you love my brother (almost 2) more then me"... Kids are so smart, it is ridiculous! I remember complaining to my Mom about my daughter, and she told me that I was the same way when I was young, and I turned into a nice young lady...well, I don't want to have to wait 30 years before I start enjoying it! ha!!

The BEST of luck to you and your family!

Who takes care of her during the day? You sort of indicated that she only whines with you. Yes, 3 and girl often means whining and/or crying a lot. She will grow out of it and it usually doesn't take until they are 5. I would just tell her over and over again that when she was a baby she could cry for things, but now she can talk, so use words. Saying be a big girl might not be explicit enough, always break things down into words that spell it out, "put your hand in this arem of the coat, now put it in this arm, now..." and so on. So often parents use phrases that are clear to them but not to their child. Secondly, let her know how her crying makes you feel, make a very tired face and say, "Your crying is making me so tired. please stop and talk to me with words." When it gets really bad, put her in a safe environment and excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and sit there for as long as you need to to muffle the sounds. Be explicit about what whining is. My daughter called it 'winding'. Imitate her sounds, say that is whining, whining is not allowed, or boring or very annoying. Once again tell her to please stop whining. Put your hand over her mouth the instant she begins again after you have explained what whining means and say no whining. Finally, send her to her room, put her in bed, whatever as a disciipline if all this doesn't work and tell her she can come out when she stops whining and wants to talk.

Over at age 5? HA! I wish. More like age 6 or 7. (but at age 7 they just start to replace the whining with a smart mouth.)
For our 5 year old we have a little holder of Skittles--she gets 12 a day. Everytime she whines she loses one to Mommy and Daddy. There are days she ends the day with zero in her cup. This might work for you--but it might be more for in the future. My friend's 4 year old gets M&M's under the same principle.
When our kid was 3, we'd offer her 2 choices and she'd pick something else. Drive me nutz! First, allow her to chose as often with as many things as possible. If she wants to wear a purple shirt, red pants and green socks let her. Pick your battles. Second, as much as it hurts you don't give in when she whines. You will feel like Mommy Dearest at times but you can't give in or she will become such a dictator. The naughty step is great too. I try not to send my kids to their rooms because they figured out it was fun in there--send them to YOUR room if you have to, but try to naughty step first. We usually would give her 3 chances to use a nice voice then off to the step. If she couldn't ask nicely after 3 minutes (and appologize for her whiny self) she got to sit there until she could. Sometimes she wouldn't get off the step at the end of her timeout. We told her she could sit there as long as she wanted but she couldn't play or have fun until she spoke in a nice voice and said she was sorry. Also, if she pops up during the time out--it starts over again. Just so you are prepared--our first 3 minute time out took over an hour and a half to complete. Not fun.
Good luck to you--remember the mantra and say it over and over "she's only 3, she's only 3, she's only 3."

Oh I am so happy to hear I am not alone! I have a 3 yr old (in june) and she is doing the same thing. My husband and I have been sending her to her room and putting her on the naughty seat. She will look at me like , "whatever" somedays and then when I follow through, she seems to get it.
Well it's not cured yet, but don't give in that is what will make it last longer according to professionals. I am reading a book Parenting by the Book the author discusses what we have lost in parenting over the past 40 years and that is the basics. We are in charge and kids are not to rule the house...
stay strong and if you want to chat about it let me know. I have a 5 1/2 month old son too so I am curious how a boy acts..
in health,
C. ____@____.com

One thing to remember is that it is a phase and it will pass.

My daughter used to throw herself to the ground and scream and kick and cry and whine. I would walk away and not respond to her tantrums. When she started to use whining, I used to tell my daughter I couldn't hear whining. She's whine and I'd say something like "Did you hear something?" It got to the point where we'd both start laughing.

Don't give up. Stay strong and it will pass quicker.

Good luck!