3 Year Old Wont Play with Kids in Preschool

Give her time. My mom shared the story of visiting me in preschool and seeing all the other kids walking in a circle playing music and me sitting on the sides just watching. I wanted nothing to do with the other kids. I was very shy in preschool. My poor mom went home and cried! Now, it seems so silly because by the time I got to elementary school, I easily made friends. I remained shy, but it didn't affect me negatively.

I can relate to your daughter. I hated other kids looking at me and especially hated it when people tried to talk me out of being shy in front of others. One strategy to consider is having her teacher pair her up with a really friendly girl in her class as buddies. The other girl can show her around (esp. things the teacher might not have shared, like where the best toys are stored, etc.) and be her go-to person. I had this happen in 1st grade when I was new to a school and it was terrific. Thirty-something years later I'm still friends with my 1st grade buddy. :)

I hope you'll invest in the lovely little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It deals with exactly this kind of situation, and dozens of others.

The authors would suggest you observe during a quiet activity together that your daughter is not comfortable when alone at school. Don't try to convince her not to be (can anybody be talked out of a feeling?), don't give her advice, just give lots of space in which she can ponder and respond. Say things like "Hmmm" and "I see" to encourage her.

Then brainstorm with her possible solutions. Again, make lots of room for her ideas, even the unworkable ones. Add as many ideas of your own as you can think of. Respectfully write it all down. Then go through the list and find the one or two ideas of hers that are likely to make a difference, and perhaps one or two of your own. Be sure the solutions address her needs and feelings, and she'll be invested in making them work. It may take baby steps at first, but this process will probably help her adapt more effectively, while feeling fully supported by you.

How to Talk will coach you through the finer points of this method, which I have found to be wonderfully effective with my grandson and other children I occasionally work with.

Don't expect her to ever feel outgoing and confident in public. Some of us never are, but can be comfortable and playful with those we know. It's a matter of personality. Help her find the best possible ways to work with what she's given, and she'll be fine.

First some kids are still more into parallel play at this age than interactive play. Each child developes at their own pace.

She was also used to being home alone with you, no other children; so I can imagine it would increase her anxiety a little bit to suddenly be in an envronment with many children, that in her mind, are purely chaotic.

Do you have a friend with children she can play with one on one or in a small group? Having that kind of small interaction can help alot.

Also know that she will adapt, keep in mind that this is a big change for her. However, it is also good for her to learn how to interact. It will take time and patience. Talk to the teachers, let them know her background if they do not already know. They will have advice about it.

I am a little puzzled about her brining on of her toys though. If she feels that way about the other children, I do not imagine her wanting them to play with her toy.

You can also take her to the park to play with other children around, even if she doesn't play directly with them...she will still be exposed to other children.

Hang in there. This will pass.

Give her time. She just started and if she's been at home with mommy, this is a HUGE change for her. Make sure the daycare providers and her teachers understand this, because if they aren't aware that she's completely new to daycare/preschool, they may make incorrect assumptions about her behaviour.

It can take a while for them to adjust. My son started daycare just before he turned three. For a while, he wasn't really happy to go, though he did seem to enjoy it once he got there. There was some minor backsliding where he cried when I dropped him off, but then he just whined, then he just held my hand. NOW he doesn't even hold my hand and trots happily to his class. I don't know if you can really do anything, other than talk to the teacher to ask for their input and see if they can help her adjust - they are there with her.

Could you invite a child from her class to your house for a play date? Maybe she would feel more confident there, and open up a bit more? Also, I used to take my daughters to our library. They had a mom n me story hour. That way you would be there with her. Any setting where there are children she could play w/if she wants, but doesn't have to, so she can get used to being around them. Sounds like she just hasn't learned to socialize yet. My husband can be very withdrawn in new situations, but once he is comfortable he is a whole different person! I would just keep exposing her. I also would not take her out of school. Eventually she will have to learn to deal w/that and other group settings, why not start now. Goo luck!

Start from where she is happy and confident and at peace, enjoy it and grow from there. It is okay that she is slow to warm up, loves her home and her family and esp. mom. She is not 7 - only half that. Until very recently, kids were at home with their extended family until about 7, when they went to school. If it takes her a long time to get used to people, it might make sense to let her be in a setting where you are there and she is getting used to others. Does she like playgrounds, story hour at the library?

I put my 3.5 year old son in daycare about 4 weeks ago. At home he is very defiant, destructive, hurts and teases his siblings. I put him in to give me a break and think its what he needs to socialize w others. He just this week is fianally starting to socialize with the others and talk. The teacher told me he would sit and play by himself and hang on the teachers. But this week after about a month of being there he is finally comming out. They say he is very well behaved and well mannered! (I keep asking if they are sure we are talking about the same kid.) At home he is obnoxious and defiant. I am so happy to know he dosn't act like a wild animal when he is away from home. But it took this long for him to socialize at school. I am also a stay at home mom and he was home with me since he was born. Give her time.

V. - keep the faith ! MY daughter (now 10) was very similar back in PreSchool - right around that 3 1/2 year old stage she became withdrawn from other kids...She was shy and quiet throughout most of pre school and elementary school - In her close small group of friends, she was fine, but the big group of kids was not for her....Dont push your daughter - group socializing is not for everyone...Throughout elementary school I talked to teachers, counselors, the doctor - everyone told me dont worry. My Kristina is an excellent student - she is now in middle school and is opening up to new people and new interests. One counselor in elementary school did tell me in our circumstance where Kristina did not relate to some of the group nonsense her classmates were engaged in showed a heightened amount of maturity in Kristina. Regardless my advice is to just monitor the situation - watch for signs of insecurity and build her up in those areas if any show - but dont push her to socialize - when she finds a child that interests her - she will do it...And believe me - not doing anything was hard for me - the times i would worry about her - picturing her being a wallflower in high school, lonely in college - But here we are in 6th grade and I dont worry anymore - Encourage her in all the positive choices in life and dont push too hard!! Good Luck....

I have the same problem, did you get any response ?

I know this sounds crazy, but you really have to have a heart to heart talk with her. A lot of people feel that a 3 year old can't understand conversations or express themselves, but I find that 3 year olds are smarter than we think. When you bring her home and the 2 of you have some quiet time together, ask her how her day went. Ask her what her favorite part of the day was and what the worst part was. Don't assume she has fears and don't even tell her she does, or you'll wind up back pedaling. Just act as if everything is normal. Ask her if she's made any friend and if not, why. Tell her you noticed that she seems upset when you have to leave and ask her why, so you can address her issues. She might be afraid you aren't coming back, so you'll need to reassure her that you are and use the example that you already do come back. Let her know what time you will be coming back to pick her up. Yes I know they can't tell time yet, but they like to know. Maybe she just isn't comfortable being in a strange place, so find out why. The only way to help your daughter is to fully understand her point of view, rather than the teacher's and your observations.

Dear V.,

My son, who is now 4, has had a lot of the same issues. He's been in some kind of preschool (very part time at first), since he was 2, but until 3-and-a-half, he really hung back and clung to the teachers.

And then, we set up a playdate with just the right kid.

I know this sounds like a simplistic solution, and I honestly didn't believe it'd work until we tried it. But I sat down with N's teachers and asked them to help me identify a little boy who was calm, patient, and gentle. By some miracle, there was a little boy in his class with all those attributes, plus some common interests. I contacted his mom and explained that N. was sweet and bright but very, very, shy -- and would she be willing to do a playdate? She was, and we got together in neutral territory (playground). It took a little stage-managing for the first half-hour, but after that, they were playing together beautifully. And that was it. These little boys are now best friends (though it's a bit of a leader-sidekick friendship, with my guy as the definite sidekick). As soon as this friendship took off, N started loving school. Can't wait to go in the morning, doesn't want to leave when I pick him up. I'm now trying to get him to expand his circle of friends beyond a grand total of one, but the difference a playdate made is unbelievable.

So, that's what I recommend. Sit down with the teachers, ask them to play matchmaker, and try to take it from there. I also think super-shy children do better in preschools where there are more structured activities. If your daughter's in a school where children are expected to spend the better part of the day socializing, that just might not be a good fit. Finally, it helped a lot for me to really sit down with the teachers and explain that my son was very verbal and (at home) very assertive. When kids withdraw, they don't take risks, and then they start functioning at a developmentally earlier level. With my son, two teachers actually suspected a developmental delay -- and this is kid who can read 50+ words and do addition and subtraction at age 4! When I explained that there was a bright, verbal kid hiding deep within that silent shell, they worked much harder to bring him out.

Sorry that was long, and good luck.

Mira