3 Year Old Terrified of Dark and Sleeping Alone

Hi L.,
Our culture is in the minority when it comes to co-sleeping. Many if not most other cultures welcome the little ones into their bed or into their room. If you don't want her right in your bed, how about in a little bed in your room?
My little girl would wake up at night, reach out and just touch me, then she'd go right back to sleep.
For me, hearing their breathing is very sweet and reassuring.
Also, my other little girl threw up once in the night and if I hadn't been sleeping near her, I would not have heard it. She started to quietly choke in her sleep. Need I say more?
Best of luck.

L.,

That does sound really hard. Perhaps she is having nightmares, or it is some developmental stage. My kids are somewhat afraid of the dark (they won't go upstairs unless someone is with them at night), but they haven't expressed this level of terror. If I were you, I would definitely fall asleep with her, but perhaps I would no longer talk about it in any way unless she brings it up. I would just assume that every night for at least a little while, either myself or her father (or someone else she loves and trusts) is going to get into bed with her, do whatever other nighttime rituals you've always had, and stay there until she falls asleep. If she wakes up overnight, I would go back to her bed with her until she settles down again. But otherwise, I would leave it alone--no longer read any books about it or doing the monster spray, or talk about it with her unless she asks for these things. By this "ignoring" of the problem, perhaps you'll be lessening it's significance.

Those are just my ideas--a laid back and mellow approach. About myself: I am a mother of two, ages 7 and 4, and work part-time outside the home. I am also currently in graduate school researching the experience of mothering.

It's actually normal and natural for humans to be afraid of the dark and the night. In prehistoric times, before central heat and light bulbs, families slept huddled together close to a fire. Fire was not only for warmth, but it kept predators at bay.
Perhaps something more than a night light would help; try a small lamp and please don't use "monster spray." You don't need her to be frightened of something that doesn't even exist. A warm bath just before bedtime, soft soothing music and mom or dad nearby until she falls asleep might do the trick.

Hi L.,
For starters, I'd drop the whole monster spray line. To use monster spray is to assume that there are monsters. Drop the whole monster subject. If she brings it up, change the subject to something much happier. Don't discuss monsters because that will just reinforce to her that they are there.

Wow - what a drag. So hard to see... And all we want to do is solve it for them, I know.

In reading responses here, I see a few that tell you not to admit and "reinforce" something that is not real... In my mind, that is the WORSE parenting advice I've ever heard! I am sorry for their children that their parents don't listen to what is important to THEM.

I thought the advice about listening and not talking was the best ever... Kudos to that mom.

What is going on for your child is very real to her. Please do not minimize it or tell her it's "not true". In her little mind, it is. It is very real and very frightening.

So let me just share what worked for me. When my daughter was in this phase, I chose to empower her to "make them leave".

So when she thought there was someone in her room (and, believe it or not, she did have a real visitation - someting I did not believe in - that scared ME to death! As evangelical christians, we handled that in a different fashion - it was a bit of a step up from this situation. That was 3 years ago and we haven't seen her since...)

Anyway - I digress! Your child needs to take her power back. And this will serve her well all her life...

I would have my daughter sit up in bed and command "Monster LEAVE!" I told her it was her room and she was the boss. (Much like training a puppy...) The monster can't resist and has to leave.

At 10, she still goes to sleep with her reading light on. I don't care, as long as she goes to sleep. I go in and turn if off later.

Another thought is to have her watch Monsters Inc. That shows monsters to be more scared of us! And it's funny and fun. Take the fear out of it for her.

Good luck!

Hi L.
I am going though the samething I really don't have any advice b/c my son is 4 years old and he won't sleep in his own room b/c he is afraid of the dark. We tried everything so if you find anything that works let me know.

Hello L. B,
My son is 10 years old, and he has the same problem. Scared to death of the dark. My husband and I tried everything, and nothing seemed to work. At school the teachers and nurse noticed how tired he looked, and called me. One of the teachers came up with a great suggestion about buying a sleeping bag. We bought the sleeping bag, and he got into it like a cocoon, and found he felt so safe, because nothing scary could get near him, as he felt the sleeping bag was his safety ground. So, try that with your daughter, and see if that will work for her. Good luck!
D. R.

Hi L.!
I have a 2 1/2 yr. old and she is going through the same thing.We have also tried similar tactics and the one thing that seems to be working for now is that I tell her that I will be in to check on her in a few minutes, trust me when I say she is not happy about it but by the time I check on her she is usually on her way to sleep.I have also left lights,music,and other distractions on that also seems to help.She seems to do better if the door if the door is open and she can hear us in the other rooms.My one "big" suggestion is to try and not bring her into your bed, I made that mistake with my 6 yr. old and she still is'nt the best of sleepers.Best of luck!

Hi L.,

I have a 3 year old as well and am going through the same thing. My son starts out in his own bedroom with the lights on. I, too have tried everything. I look forward to seeing the answers that you get.

Becky

p.s. - I came on here today to post about this very subject! =)

When my son went through this, I tried several things (lights on, etc.) but what worked for him was sitting with him, using a calm voice and demeanor, and having him tell whatever was bothering him to leave him alone. It helped to make him feel strong and in control and after a week or so, it was much better. It still happens every now and again, but we just go through the same "ritual" with him in charge and it helps him so much. The fear comes from not knowing and by letting the child do the work, I feel that they feel as though they are in charge and in control of their room and themselves.Good luck with whatever you try.

M.

You should probably check with your pediatrician to be certain, but I'm pretty sure this is a normal developmental thing. One thing that worked with my daughter was to tell her that we'd check on her in 5 minutes. We'd go back in the allotted time, and then tell her we'd come back in another 5 (or maybe more). As long as we kept up our end of the bargain, it usually didn't take more than 2 checks before she'd be asleep. I think it helped her because she knew we'd be back, and she felt secure and empowered. Another thought is perhaps to ask her what does she think would help her sleep in her own bed, alone. You could collaborate to develop a plan. Again, if she feels she has some power over the situation, that could help her master her fear.

One HUGE thing I've found with my daughter is that it's important to respond by listening, rather than trying immediately to talk her out of whatever she's feeling. For example, saying "Oh honey, there's nothing to be afraid of" right off the bat can put her into a mode of thinking that she's going to have to work really hard to make me understand how she feels. She digs in her heels. Instead, if I can say, "Yes, I know how it can be a little scary in the dark when you're alone. Sometimes I get a little scared in the dark, too", she will come around to deciding she'll be OK. Before I tried this approach, I was afraid that it'd just encourage her to think that she really should be afraid (or whatever the feeling). However, I was surprised to find that it had the opposite effect -- she let go of things a lot faster. The bottom line is that if your daughter feels that you're really listening to her -- that she's understood -- it's much easier for her to work through her feelings and fears.

I know I've gone on for a while, but hopefully this helps. Good luck.

p.s. After reading the other posts, I agree with not doing the Monster Spray thing. It seems like a creative solution, except that I think it's true that it legitimizes basis of her fear of monsters. That being said, I can remember devising elaborate bedtime rituals to keep myself safe -- from whatever was my fear du jour. I think the difference there is that my mother (a "grown-up") did not participate in my schemes, so I didn't have her tacit agreement that I should be scared. As a result, essentially I knew that my fears were not based on any real threat. I do think that my suggestion of listening to your daughter and validating her feelings is still the right approach. The difference is that you're aknowledging that her FEELINGS are real, rather than giving her reason to believe that what she's afraid of is real. Does that make sense?

Hi L.,
I used Mommy Cream with my son. It was body lotion that I used every day and therefore smelled like Mommy. I rubbed it on his hands at night and it was Mommy watching out for monsters while he slept. Good luck.
D. C

Hi L. -
I am a mom to a 3 and 5 year old and both went from excellent sleepers to waking 3-5 times a night (PER CHILD!!)Needless to say, no sleep for mommy! Anyways, our issues are a bit more complex but I thought that I would share them regardless. Lauren,3, is scheduled for a sleep study in March - we think that she has sleep apnea because she snores VERY heavily, stops breathing in her sleep and has distrupted sleep. She will likely have to have her tonsils and adenoids removed. Logan, 5, was diagnosed with Sensory Integrated Disorder almost a year ago. We brush him every two hours (perhaps you have heard of this technique...also used on kids with Autism). He has night terrors. His sleep is heavily impacted by things that he sees during the day (television, a parent reprimanding a child in McDonalds, a police car pulling a car over on the side of the road for speeding). His imagination and his anxiety about life issues are too much for a 5 year old. We were actually scheduled with his OT on Monday to learn a new technique called "embracing sleep". A holding technique we use before bed and when he wakes..unfortunately the meeting was postponed. Logan's sleep habits are actually improving (for reasons you will read about below) but we still have rough nights. The moral to all of this is not to suggest that your child has any of our baggage but more to throw the issues out there...kind of food for thought. Your child sounds more scared of their space than wrestling with physical issues - Try these ideas:
1. Move her room/rearrage it - Kind of a "new room" approach.
2. Move the bed against a wall if it isn't there already.
3. Consider light calming music on a CD player
4. Leave a brighter task light on (not the major room light). 5. Pay attention to what she has for food before bed and what she watches on television (if tv is allowed in your home)
6. Try scheduling in a warm bath 20 minutes before bed time -
7. Along with all of the above suggestions, remember to be firm and confident in your parenting - If she senses you are on the fence about her staying in her room/bed, she will take your apprehension and run with it.
Now, here is what we do for Logan, 5: I gave him a purple coin that I told him would bring him good dreams it isn't a regular ritual but there are nights when he feels he is anxious that he asks to place that under his pillow - It gives him a little sense of security and control. Also, we reward him immediately in the morning for staying in his room (not a reward for going without night terrors because his dreams are NOT in his control). For each night he stays in his bed he earns a sticker on his sticker chart, for 5 stickers he earns special time with me or his dad or both of us. This is time that we drop everything, no excuses, and play what he wants to play for 1/2 hour (board games, football etc.,) He also earns stickers for good behavior, random acts of kindness, helping around the house without being asked etc., There are 25 squares on the chart when he fills all 25 squares he gets to pick out a toy at the store for under $10. Definitely a great incentive! The sticker chart works on the 3 year old too (but once again, not for her sleep issues since she too has a physical issue - apnea - that is out of her control). Good luck. I feel your pain and if you need to talk, God knows I am up all night! :) ok...I'm done.
PS...stay away from putting any stock into the whole monster thing (monster spray) if you acknowledge that her fears are legitimate, all the more reason for fear.
K.

L.,
PIck up the book "the no cry sleep solution" or "the no cry sleep solution for toddlers". I found them so helpful with my 3 girls and you don't have to read the whole book, just the parts that pertain to your daughter's situation. I found it so helpful, and felt so much better learning why children have such a hard time going to sleep. She gives great advice for getting your child to sleep without screaming.
Katie (mother of 4)

Hi L.,
I truely feel for you. My daughter went through the same thing. My husband and I started to do a routine with her that calmed her down and started us on our way to a full nights sleep for all. We do our usual routine of getting ready for bed then we tell her "ok it is time to do the routine". We start off with some cuddle time for about two minutes to settle her into bed. Then we tell her we are going to lay on the bean bag ( which is in eye sight of the bed) until she falls asleep. We usually take a book light and read while this is happening. When she falls asleep we leave. If she wakes up we start over with out laying next to her but putting her back in bed and lie on the bean bag and read. It sounds like a lot of work but the pay off in the end is worth it. She is much more secure at night and the amount of time that we are doing this routine with her has lessend. It is worth a shot. I wish you luck.
L. H

We are going through this same thing with our 5 year old...it is very tough. If you get any good advice please pass it on!! I hope you get some ideas!!

I had similar issues with my 3 yr. old. During the day thier pretend play can start to make there little heads spin when they are trying to wind down at bedtime. I have made sure while she plays during the day and she starts talking about monsters, etc. that I tell her they are pretend and there are no monsters in our house, at school, etc. that they are only costumes that people where on tv. leave lights on and I use (pretend) angle dust and it has worked great. Good luck!

My son isn't afraid of the dark but it was always easier to have a little light in his room because he used to wake up in the middle of the night a lot, so what we use is a new air freshner night light. I glows in pretty colors and is better for them then a white light night like, plus it will make her room smell nice. I'm not sure it will work but it is all I've got for ideas right now. Good Luck!

Hi L.,
Have you tried EFT? (simple tapping technique that works beautifully with children). Gently tap on the points while letting her say exactly how she feels. Typically, her fear will just fade and often the root to the fear will become clear if there is indeed a 'reason' in her mind. Tap the side of her hand below the baby finger and say something along the lines of
"Even though I'm so scared, I'm a good girl" "Even though I'm afraid of the dark and I don't want Mommy to leave, I'm a great kid!"
To see the tapping points you can go to my website-where you can also link to emofree.com to read about more children's issues.
www.eft-ayurveda.com
Best to you,
Stephanie

Hi, my daughter went through the same thing at about 2 and a half. SHe also was a great sleeper until one night she climbed out of her crib and was terrified. We slept on her floor and put up a gate and tried everything. (the gate idea was a nightmare) It took a few months of us staying in there and and telling her Daddy would never let monsters in our house. We have an security alarm and we told her nothing could get in when we set the alarm, we also told her that monsters are not real but that didn't convince her. That sort of worked. It is just that at this stage they are starting to understand more about their world and it can be scary. We do have a night light in her room. We found one that can change from blue to red, purple or white. She loves blue so this was exciting. We also maintain her bedtime routine of stories and a song and it is lights out after that. She sleeps soundly through the night again (except when her baby sister wakes her up) SO, don't worry she will go back to being a great sleeper for you but you need to help her. She really is scared so getting angry doesn't help, just try to make her understand that you will be right there for her but she must sleep alone. Also if it is shadows that frighten her just keep showing her what makes the shadows and that her room is a fun place to be. We actually got wallies for her from target that are fish and butterflies that she got to put on her wall and they keep her company. I hope this helps. If nothing other to let you know that we went through it too and are now back to sleeping great again! Good luck

I have tried the monster/scary spray too... it did work but then my 4 year old got scared. My mother gave her a butterfly pin to pin onto her pillow. She told her that butterflies are strong and keep away the bad stuff. It worked. My daughter was so excited that she got it from her grandmother too. Hope it helps.

Hi L.,
I'm now a Grammy, 5 grandkids, but brought up 3 biological, two step and one foster child... all doing well, married, etc... Anyway, my son had a real vivid imagination. He just got so scared going to bed, especially after a babysitting let him watch a very scary movie. He just knew that there were 'red eyes' under his bed. So, I got him sheets with lions. I think it helped a lot, feeling wrapped up in lions. But, I also had to place a chair next to his bed. I would read my own book silently while he fell asleep. Once and a while I'd move to chair closer to the door. Finally I was in the hallway reading while he fell asleep. It took a while, but finally worked. He never got over the fear of red eyes, poor guy. Well, maybe now, he's 28 and just had his first child (Boy), with lovely wife. Hope it helps.