3 Year Old Sleeping and Discipline Issues

Hi I.! I remember those days! My oldest turned two days after I had our second daughter...my advice is simple. Set aside some time every day when you are alone with your son. Take a walk, read a book, take him to the grocery store. The reality that the baby is not going away and takes lots of work and time away from him is starting to set in! Sure he loves the baby, but it is really hard for any "only" to go to "oldest". Believe me, if your hubby comes home and greets him first and spends a few minutes without even asking about baby, if you take 10 to 15 minutes and leave the baby in hubby's care and are exclusively his all will be well in just a matter of days! I know it's hard when you are working (I was working 50+ hours a week at that point myself) but it can be done and results happen quickly! Congrats, good luck and best wishes!

Hi I. -

I have three kids ages 7,5 and 3. I have done read many books and I am currently taking a course on positive parenting. One of the very first things I learned in this class is spending qualilty time with your kids. If your like me your thinking I do spend qualitiy time with my son. So my suggestion to you is to spend 10 to 15 minutes 2-3 times a day with just him. Tell him you want to have some special time with him and ask him what HE wants to do. Doing what Jacob wants to do is key here. Make sure you are able to give your undivided attention to him(maybe right after you feed the baby and she goes to sleep), if the phone rings, let the machine get it, let him know that you are 100% with him. I have found that spending that 15 minutes 2-3 times a day has eliminated the behavior issues that I was dealing with. Kids want our attention and will take negative attention over no attention. When you are finished with special time, let him know how much you enjoyed this time and you can't wait to have more special time this afternoon(or whenever it will be) If he tries to get more time with you before it is convienent for you, tell him mommy is busy right now, but I am looking forward to our special time later(give a time if you can)
I am not sure about the sleeping issues, but they may start to go away to when you start the special time routine. It would be great if your husband could do this too. Not sure what his schedule is, but anytime that he can fit it in for your son. By the way you don't have to call it special time, you can call it anything (Mommy and Jacob time), just so he know it is time that he has mommy or daddy all to himself.
I hope this helps
Good luck and take care
H.

Sounds like your older child is trying to find his new place in your family. He is used to all of your attention and he isn't getting it all anymore. I wouldn't worry he will adjust just keep giving him your love and attention and things will settle down.

HI I.,
I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. When rough times come upon us it is time to ask some questions.... What have I don't when things were rough before that worked? You mention 1,2,3, Magic. What would the outcome of going back to that be? New babies make everyone tired, how have you as parents changed your discipline style since the baby came that may have your son feeling that he can act up? What special "Big Boy Privileges" could he get now that he is the big kid of the house? Maybe he can stay up later ( he wont know that it is only 10 mins), Maybe he can pick dinner one night a week ( from 3 healthy choices). Is the baby up while you are trying to put him to bed? If he knows that the baby is up getting all your attention having all kinds of fun and he is in bed that will not make him happy. Lastly let your son know that bedtime is bed time but if he cannot sleep he can have some quite choices; Books, Book on tape, Music. You can make a person go to bad but you can make them sleep. How may times have we willed ourselves to sleep and not have it happen?

Things will get better,

B. Davis

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I.,
Congratulations on your new daughter!
3 is a tough age. My son is 5 and I still thinks he needs a nap! I am sure the middle of the night thing is a phase. Just make sure he has everything he needs when he's put to bed. he probably wants reassured that he's still your baby too!
Maybe a compromise? Lay beside him for 5-10 minutes. This works with my son. Also, once the daily nap was a thing of the past--I make my son do "quiet time" which is an hour in his room in the afternoon. He can play quietly, read, or watch a movie. If there's no nap--at least it recharges them a little to have some quiet independent play. Good luck!

Hi I.

You are probably right that he is reacting to the new baby. Try to be consistent with your behavior expectations and also put a baby gate at his bedroom door. You know he is ok, so just ignore him when he gets up. He'll either get back into his bed or sleep on the floor, either way constantly having to give him attention only makes him repeat his getting out of bed behavior. It must be really hard right now especially with the new one, I am due very soon and am really nervous about just such things myself. Try to get someone to take him for a bit now and then if you can, like grandmom or a trusted sitter. I am sure a nap for you will help in dealing with him as well. Good Luck to you all.

You are so right. He is dealing with his new sister. And he's only 3. therefore I would go with the "give him what he needs" philosophy. He's not old enough to reason through his behavior, he is just acting out because he feels he needs more attention than he did before.

I would be inclined to have dad sleep with his son until he falls asleep (the son), then he can return to your bed. It would help to keep the little guy in his own bed, and you would both be more apt to sleep. I don't think it will last all that long. I think if he sleeps more at night, he will be more apt to get his naps in during the day. When we get overtired, we tend to get on overdrive and we can't sleep. It's the same for kids. The only other thing I can think of about nap time is that I'm wondering if he is getting less exercise now that there's a baby in the house. Maybe if you can put Gemma in a baby carrier or something, and go for a walk with Jacob before naptime, it might also help him to be ready to relax and nap. ??

You are probably doing this, but when you diaper the baby, have him stand with you and help. He is 3, and that makes him big enough to help. He can pass you the baby wipes, and the diapers, and he can help with the tabs. If you use real diapers, he can probably hold the pins for you, and pass you the things you need. Then he can get self-esteem big boy kudos for being a part of the "big people team".

If you are nursing, you can read stories to him while you are nursing. The little one can eat, and you and Jacob can have some group time at the same time. If you are bottle feeding, your hands are a little more tied up, but moms get pretty engenious about accomplishing things with only 2 hands. Or, maybe JAcob can hold Gemma and feed her for a while. He'll get bored quickly, though, so you have to be prepared when he pushes the baby off his lap. (That's normal, not abusive behavior -- but you have to be prepared and ready to catch her -- or have him sit on the floor leaning on the couch or something to feed her so he's not up high if he pushes her away. Hopefully you can tell him to let you know verbally when it is your turn, so he doesn't just push her out of his way when he's done.)

And crying and yelling ? Well, he's acting like Gemma, because whe she cries, she gets attention. When she cries you can remind him that she doesn't yet know any words, and that it's going to take a few years, but it's up to you, Dad and him to teach her words. So when he wants something, he has words and he needs to use them. You can always tell him that you can't hear him when he's yelling, and he needs to talk quietly so you can hear him. (I know, it doesn't make sense, but it works if you ignore him until he tells you what he wants.)

Some of this behavior will simply settle down over time. What's really important is that he know he is loved, and you keep your sanity as you go through this time period in which you are likely exhausted as well !! The way I look at it, is that whatever works for Mom is probably good for everyone. That way Mom is more relaxed and that makes everyone in the home more relaxed. :-)

Congrats on the new baby ! And know that while it's tough now, it WILL get better !!

This is a really hard situation to be in. Having a just turned 4 year old boy and a baby boy who is about to turn 1 next week, I can completely sympathize with where you are. We were there a little less than a year ago.

There is no easy solution. The key is to be consistent. Follow the same system you have always used and do it consistently. This can be very difficult when you are sleep deprived as well. Another difficult task that can help a lot... set aside a little time for your 3 year old each day that is just his. Whether this is story time, craft time or just sit on the floor, play time or the activity of his choice time during the baby's nap and a bedtime story, you will be surprised how much that can help ease his reaction to the baby.

The main problem, of course, is his changing role from being the center of your attention and world to having to chare that with his new little sister. That little bit of extra time that you give him during the day/evening, can make a big difference. Also, he is old enough to understand when you say to him, "Jacob, I can't do that with you right now. But I will have some Jacob and Mommy time with you at *set time* (or alternatively, when Gemma is napping)." If he knows he is getting his special time, he may be or learn to be more patient during the day.

Another big help was making him "Mommy's little helper." For instance, after changing the baby, I would wrap the diaper up and use the tabs to seal it. Then he would be the one to go and throw it in the diaper pail or garbage can. Also, he would run and get me things for the baby that were needed just to help out and feel included. I would also let him hold the baby (while I spotted him and was there to oversee) almost daily. He would only hold him for a minute or two but it was enough to feel involved. Anything that makes him feel more a part of what is going on can really make a difference.

Another life saver in our house is "Daddy's rule" so called because my husband came up with it. The Rule is "If you whine, cry or have a fit over it, I have to say no EVEN if I wanted to say yes." It takes a couple times for this to really sink in. The key for it to really be understood by your kid(s) is to let them know what the rule is. Then the first time they ask for something and have a fit about it, we said to them "Well, I really wanted to say yes, but since you had a fit about it, I HAVE to say no. That's the rule." It really has helped a lot with both our 4 year old (who just turned 4 on July 1) son and our 8 (soon to be 9) year old daughter.

Also, with regards to the acting up... I found that it was indeed a cry for attention. One way to nip that in the bud was a time out. Not just any time out but one in a separate room where they were not getting any attention. My daughter used to throw horrible temper tantrums (started around age 2). I would put her on her bed in her bedroom and tell her she could come out when she was finished. Then I would leave the room. I would stay close and check on her often asking "Are you finished yet?" We found that it allowed her time to learn to deal with her out of control emotions and allowed us to have a little more patience since she wasn't screaming in our ears. Not only that but at the end of each temper tantrum, she was never hurt or upset. She would come out of her room and tell me she was sorry and she loved me so much. I would then tell her how much I loved her but make sure I told her that I didn't like the tantrums, though, and if she was feeling upset about something, she could use her regular words or sit down and think about it without having the tantrum. I won't tell you that my daughter never has a melt down. All kids have them occasionally. What I will say is that she no longer has them multiple times a day or even daily. And now at almost 9 years old, all I have to say to her is, do you need to go to your room for awhile. Sometimes, she will say yes and go to her room to work through her emotions but most of the time she doesn't need to and rarely does she actually have a melt down/tantrum. Not only that but on the rare occasion that she does have one, it is very shortlived and doesn't last long enough for her to get to her room.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. Good luck with your little ones.

We have a 3 year old with a new sister. She was actually born the day after is third birthday... Anyway, I had a lot of people warn me about his jealousy with his new sibling, so I decided I would do everything I help prevent that. First, no matter how tired I am, when she lays down for a nap, I make sure I do something with him. We have made Jello (he pulls his "helper stool" over to help mix and dump in the powder), color, go for a walk around the outside of the house (with the baby monitor attached to my hip), read a book, basically anything that he wants to do.

I also have him help as much as he is able to (the "helper stool" gets moved beside the changing table and he gets me a new diaper), he sits beside me while I nurse the baby so he can talk to her).

I also make a HUGE point to never say, "wait for me to do __ for your sister then I'll do that." I usually say something like, "Mommy needs you to be patient for a few minutes and then we'll do that," and then I try to get him to help with something for OUR BABY.

As for the sleeping, We talk about a special game or a special treat that he wants and then we talk about how he can only have that if he takes a good nap - that usually works, unless he really isn't tired.

As for the overnight, we did something that sounds horrible, but we only had to do it for one night... My son never had a problem until one night he just decided that he needed to come to our bed four times in 2 hours, so I put a child-safety lock over top of the door knob on the inside. I told him what I was doing and explained that he needed to stay in his room. I tucked him in and closed the door. I was too worried to actually go to my room across the house, so I slept on a pillow outside his door. He screamed and pounded on the door for more then an hour. For about two months, as we tucked him in he would say, "I will stay in my bed please don't close the door." I would remind him that big boys stay in their bed. Then one night, our two cats had a wrestling match in his room in the middle of the night and scared him - now he sleeps with his door closed (no child lock on the inside).

If you have any questions about any of this, please contact me =O}. I can't take credit for most of these ideas, I did a lot of research & basically cut & pasted ideas to fit our needs.

Best of luck

Step up the discipline! Don't "sympathize because of the new baby." Just teach him through your actions that he is meant to be older and more mature now. Give him extra love and attention, and when he's acting up-extra discipline. It's the only way. Playing into the "it's natural to be jealous of a sibling" thing will give him a free pass to manipulate you. It is natural, but it's also preventable. He will feel much happier when he's being a good big brother, so stand firm!

Hi I.,

First of all you need some help and support during this transition time.

Are there any family and friends that can help you with the 3 year old until you can reestablish a routine?

There are Mother's Helpers if you don't have family and friends.

http://www.nannies4hire.com/tips/1048-mothers-helpers.htm

Hope this helps. D.