3 Year Old in Preschool- Not Participating at All. What to Do?

Time. Time will get her excited about preschool.

When my daughter hated preschool at 3 years old, I took her out, and put her back in a year later when she was ready for it. But if you work and don't have that option, then you have to leave her in.

Let her stand behind the carpet area and watch, if that's what she's comfortable doing. What's wrong with that?

You can't force her to participate. She's only three. She will learn plenty by watching the others.

Please don't label her as "stubborn" because she is shy and not ready for preschool.

Once again, Diane B's post is right on the money.

I used to teach preschool and had a couple of kids in my time who really didn't want to participate. I learned quickly that giving their behavior attention only made them dig their heels in. For both those children, I gave them a safe space to stay/sit in and went about *showing* them preschool was fun (by engaging with the other kids and doing my job) instead of constantly telling them how much fun it was. Eventually, they were willing to participate but one thing to consider is this:

Not participating is the ONLY power she has. You really don't want to make this a power struggle. You want her to feel that she is just fine doing what she's doing and hey, there are other neat things going on, too. If you and the teacher push her to participate (and do remember that, developmentally, that is not appropriate practice as specified by the NAEYC... kids this age should *always* have the option not to join teacher-led instruction/activities) she WILL escalate this as a way of having ANY control over the situation at all.

Let her just watch, see that things are safe and relatively predicable, and come to the activity on their own terms. Had I forced my reluctant young charges, it would have taken them much longer and we would have had a harder relationship down the road. She's just beginning. Give her time to come out from her shell when she's ready.

It's so frustrating, but honestly, there's not much you can do. I assume the teachers are experienced and have seen lots of kids take a while to warm up, get the lay of the land, and venture out of their comfort zone into full participation. I'd stay out of it rather than call a lot of attention to it. If she's not disruptive, why can't she stay there and absorb what she can until she feels comfortable. It may be a question of maturity, or a question of dealing with so many kids her age in one setting. Give her a chance. She's not crying anymore, and that's a huge positive step. She may be absorbing much more than you know, may just be on the cautious or reserved side, and the more you call attention to what she's NOT doing, the more massive those obstacles may seem. It's only been a few weeks. Try to be laid back about it.

When you pick her up, be positive, say hello to the other kids, ask one or two what they did today and answer them with "Oh wow, that sounds like so much fun!" Don't turn to your daughter and say, "Susie, wouldn't you like to do what Tommy was doing? See what you're missing?" Don't go there - just listen to another kid and at most make a comment that "Tommy seems like a nice boy." Then change the subject.

Try to be patient. She's only 3. She'll surprise you one of these days if you let her do it at her own pace. If you seem agitated or upset that something is "off" she will pick up on it and think it has to do with the school. If you are confident and at ease, she may come around just that much sooner.

I second Diane B and Nervy Girl. Ride it out. Don't comment much on her non-participation; don't over-talk it with her or try to persuade her. Eventually the class will be doing something interesting to her and she will forget that she's trying to hold onto her one and only power (the power NOT to participate) and she will drift over and at least watch, and eventually participate.

I disagree that more times per week is better as someone posted. For many kids at three, daily preschool is too much, too soon, and I like the gradual approach to starting kids in preschool with two days a week, then three, then four (that's what ours did.)

Rather than give her more days a week there, I would instead make sure she knows the day before preschool that "tomorrow is school" but again -- don't overtalk it or even get overly "rah-rah, it's great" about it; that possibly could make her dig in her heels and be even more determined not to have one ounce of fun or show one shred of interest. Make sure she knows what is coming but don't overdo it; be matter-of-fact.

If she is social and good with other kids outside preschool, the issue may not be that she's not ready; the issue may be that she resents the classroom setting, the rules, and having to move from one activity to another on someone else's schedule. But those are critical lessons for kindergarten and beyond. If she were weeping her way through each day or melting down every single time, that might be different, but this sounds much more like a power struggle she's trying to engage in -- I don't want to be here and you can't make me enjoy it. Give it more time.

Resist the temptation to talk it up and be super-happy. And yes, do meet up with some of her classmates somewhere like a park or other event -- I would avoid a playdate at your home just yet; she might see that as "Now school is invading my space!" At her age, take her to a neutral spot like a park so she just happens to meet up with these other kids and sees them outside school for a short time.

Sounds like she isn't ready for preschool. Wait a year until she is asking to go.

Sounds like it is too much for her. She is so over whelmed she cannot participate. Too much activity? Too Loud? Does not understand what the others are doing? Does not understand the instructions, is too shy or traumatized by you leaving her?

I would pull her out, maybe try it again when she is four.. and 2 hours in my opinion is not enough time anyway.

What time is her time at daycare? Outside play tends to get children excited..They can run around, chase, include each other, share turns.. Gross motor skills

Then the different play stations, Creative play, interacting in play , sharing

Then craft projects. Following directions, fine motor skills

Lunch and snack time are important, how to try new foods, how to feed themselves and use manners, How to open the containers, how to pour how to spoon..

and of course learning to sit and listen to stories..

I'd pull her out and try again next year. She's not ready for school yet. I had a son who begged to take dance classes when he was 7. After the first few weeks he started misbehaving and refusing to participate. The teacher and I agreed that he was just not ready for this kind of activity and we took him out of the class. I don't think it's worth it to make children take part in activities that are optional when the problem is usually maturity.

My 8th grader joined the marching band last year. Today he didn't want to go, but I made him go because attendance is required and he understood the commitment he was making when he joined. Making a 3yo go to preschool is not the same thing, she didn't choose to go, she's not required to go, she's not ready to go, and she's miserable there. Stubbornness has nothing to do with it.

My son was like that to a large extent. He would actually participate in group activities and would speak when spoken to, but during free-play, he literally huddled in the "train corner" and just drove those little wooden trains around the little tracks, around and around, until I picked him up.

The three things I took away from this were:

1. Some kids just need an extra year before they start preschool. My son would've done great starting at 3 1/2, though that wouldn't have worked with where his birthday falls.

2. Paradoxically, more times per week are better. At this age, kids really have no concept of weeks. To them it's like, they're normally at home, in their comfort zone, and then suddenly, unpredictably, they're plunked into this alien landscape. If it's something they do every day, it's easier for them to develop a productive routine.

3. Most importantly, not all preschools are created equal. My son first went to a "play-based" preschool. It sounded wonderful to me. Who can argue with play? Wrong, wrong, wrong. It was utter chaos, unbelievably loud, all day long. When we switched him to a Montessori school, which was very calm, quiet, and structured, he absolutely thrived.

While I love preschool and think it's great and all, it's really not necessary.
If she doesn't like it pull her out and try again in six months or a year. There's no need to spend your money and time on something she clearly isn't ready for.

My son acted this way when I took him to day care, eventually he got bored of waiting around and participated most of the time.

she's telling you clearly that she's not ready yet.
so why make her go?
i mean, if you have to work or something, then she's got to deal and at some point she will.
but i don't understand why tinies are all expected to want to go to preschool.
khairete
S.

She only goes 2 hours a day twice a week. As far as she's concerned, she's not there enough to really worry about it so she's not getting involved. She feels no need to step out of her comfort zone.

Either have her go more often or just wait it out.

Wait til next year.

:)

this is completely NORMAL and age appropriate and not a worry at all

honestly in my 20+ yrs doing this I must say that I expect 3 weeks of non stop crying, another 3 wks of pure observation and no play and then gradually playing
If they do it sooner, great, but only after 2 months would I even mention it as more then they were getting used to the room still.

It's ok, she is only 3, and has really only been in the room for 4 hours a week so would YOU be comfortable in a strange place, with strange people doing strange things after only 8 hours of time?

Let the teachers handle it. She will get tired of being alone and eventually participate. They might be better off ignoring her. If they are coaxing and talking to her, she has achieved her goal: attention.

I would have a talk with the teacher and/or director on ways they may be able to get her involved. Perhaps, for example, she can help set the table for snack. You should also consider, in my opinion, that she just may not be ready for preschool. You said she's shy, but plays well with kids in the neighborhood she's comfortable with. Perhaps play dates and a gradual intro into preschool. Maybe you could look into a parent coop preschool.

Our daycare recommended more time, not less to help kids get acclimated.

In 2 hours, they barely have enough time to get their bearings, and decide to come around. In fact, ours would have the kids come in for several days in a row, on their dime, if a kid was having a hard time embracing the school. It helps to establish this as a now normal part of their routine.

perhaps something similar could help. speak with the school.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

We had a little boy like this last year in my daughter's class. No one could do anything to convince him to have fun, play, and take part in the activities. It took him a little over a month (6 weeks? - much longer than I thought it would take) and then he started participating. I guess you just have to give it time...you don't say how long it has been. The other thing I would do is make playdates with some of the kids in his class. Maybe a playdate once a week will make him warm up and bond to another child.

She will eventually get tired of not having any attention. Are the teachers letting her sit out or do they go over and try to talk her in to participating? If they are mostly ignoring the behavior that's good....not in a bad way of ignoring.

Like "Hey Mary, we're going to go do some art work. Come join us". Then go on about their business. If she sees the other kids having fun and getting cool attention for doing stuff then she will eventually give in and conform.

I would not take her out of this class. It's not enough hours to make any difference in what she knows or doesn't know so it's 99% for socializing. Our kids went from 8am - 2:00pm Monday-Friday. Then for pre-K they went from 8am-2:30pm Monday - Friday. Four hours per week isn't very many hours to be away from M.. She's going to be stubborn for a while they she'll give in. Don't take her out. Keep taking her.

If you don't find a way to manage this now and if you give in to her this will be a time when you look back and wish you had not caved. She needs you to be her M. and not give in.

Don't pull her. Put her in for more hours if you want to.
She will adjust. Repeat. She will adjust. :)

Don't stress!
Mine did 5 hours at that age, started with tears, etc. No participation. It did not take long for them to blossom.

It breaks your heart I know! ....my son is really shy and has only went twice but kind of acts the same way.... I think over time they will warm up. How many classes has she gone to?
Maybe ask her why she doesnt want to join in...see if its something you and the teacher can help with...maybe have a one on one playdate with one of her classmates so that she will feel comfortable with at least one other child.

Good luck;)

I would invite the girls in the class over for lunch or a tea party. The moms in my daughter's class used to get together before school to do fun activities together. (Zoo, paint pottery, playground, lunch etc).
Your daughter will eventually adjust.