I read through some of the responses on the site. And didn't feel there was a response that fit our situation. My daughter is 3 and just discovered self-stimulation by accident. My husband and I are having serious misgivings about it. Me because I was abused at a young age and my husband because he did this as a child and has struggled with pornography his whole life. I don't want to hear from those who think it's no big deal - it is to us - and I could really use some help. Part of it may be she's uncomfortable, but I think it's mainly that she's bored it seems. My husband and i argue about how to handle it, but mostly we're concerned it will become a habit, and I really don't think it's appropriate long-term. our therapist said it's a curious age and many kids will quit in 6 months to a year. Should we ignore, should we limit? We've explained it's ok sometimes and it's only done in private. i am worried if we make too big of a deal about it, she will either hide it or it might shame her - neither of which are good! please help if you have something positive to add :) thanks mommies!!!
Dr. Sears, a renowned child-psychologist addresses this in his discipline book.
Scroll down the page to his "genital play, what's normal and what's not?" and it will give you tons of helpful tips:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T105300.asp
I suggest that self-stimulation has nothing to do with causing you to be abused or your husband's struggle with pornography. I agree that your discomfort with this is the result of your experiences. I suggest it's important for you and your husband find a way to deal with your own experiences so that what your daughter does doesn't become such an emotional issue for you.
Self-stimulation is just the beginning of her sexual life. It's not sexual for her but it is for you which I suggest causes you to put too much energy into the situation. How will you feel and react when she starts flirting with boys? Will you be able to keep your emotions surrounding sexuality at a healthy level so that you can teach your daughter that having sexual feelings are normal and that there are appropriate ways to manage them? Or will you be frightened for her and what may happen and thus pay too much attention to her sexuality.
I ask these questions because of my experiences with my adoptive daughter who was sexually abused. I was more aware of her sexuality and had to be aware that I didn't over react to her experiences as she matured. Fortunately, I had training and skills with which to deal with these issues because I was a police officer trained in investigating sexual offenses. Otherwise, I think I would have been worried much of the time as she entered puberty.
My daughter now has a daughter entering puberty and she has told me that she is purposely keeping her daughter a "little" girl as long as she can, while at the same time reading a book with her that is written for tweens about growing up. She said that sharing the book with her daughter, just as I shared a similar book with her, helps her to maintain a calm and more natural response to what is happening with her daughter's body. My daughter said, when her daughter was a toddler, that it was difficult for her to be less reactive in the way that she protected her daughter. She realized that if she allowed herself to be worried or always concerned she would hamper her daughter's growth into a confident teen
I feel that I'm not explaining this very well. It's important to find a way to not always associate what your daughter is doing, not doing, or feeling with your own experiences and feelings. Let her be a child, untouched by your negative sexual experiences.
As to self-stimulation at her age, it is good to teach boundaries with this issue. Telling her that doing so should be in private is just a boundary and should not be an emotional issue. Some things we do in private and some things are OK when others are around.
The way my daughter and I approach privacy is that the reason our privates are called privates is that they are private. If any activity involves our privates then we do that activity in private. In our homes, it is OK for members of our immediate family to see our privates or be involved with private issues, not just those involving our privates. lol sounds confusing but it's not.
At the same time we teach modesty and respect for each other's privacy. Asking that she self-stimulate only in privacy is a reasonable boundary. It's also reasonable to allow her to do it when family members are around. What is best is what you're the most comfortable with.
My parents were not comfortable with self-stimulation or any movement that appeared to be sexual in nature. As a result I did grow up feeling uncomfortable with my sexuality. I don't think I was ashamed. I just didn't think sexual activity in any form was appropriate, even in private. I was even uncomfortable with mild flirting or teasing that others wouldn't even consider flirting . I eventually was able to realize that sexuality is healthy and then be able to form my own boundaries.
As you said, it's important to accept what she's doing so that she's not ashamed or thinks she must hide it. Giving her boundaries while accepting the activity is a good way to do that. Ignoring it while still allowing her to do it probably is not as good a way tho it's better than refusing to allow her to do it. How you feel will come thru to her even when you don't express your feelings out loud. That is why it's important for you to understand your own feelings and find ways of managing them before she becomes a teen.
Hi there
My son started doing this at about the same age and I really think it was a boredom thing with him, and I guess it must feel good even at that age.
I, like you, did not want to shame him or make a big deal of it so I gently told him that because it was one of his private areas (a conversation we had already encountered) that he should only do that in the privacy of his room. I had to remind him a few times as he would tend to do this while he would be watching tv. It has not been a problem that has continued, although he will occassionally do this still when watching tv. I don't think this is no big deal but I do believe it is natural for children to explore their own bodies and I felt most importantly I did not want him to be ashamed of what he was doing which is why I handled it the way I did.
Good luck :)
My daughter, who is now 4 started ''humping'' her animals at about 18 months. I asked her Dr and she said it was ''normal'' and left it at that. I know as a parent this is disturbing. I too was sexually abused as a child. So to see my child do something that seems sexual does NOT sit well with me. I use the word SEEM because to her its not sexual, its something she does when she is tired and it rocks her to sleep. She doesn't know was sex is. She only has sisters so she is not aware that boys have different anatomy.
This question was brought up on an episode of The Doctors. Dr Sears addressed this as typical developement. Kids explore and realize that it feels good when they touch ''down there''. They don't know that its sexual. He did say to set boundries, only letting them do it in their bedroom or some place private and they will eventually grow out of it.
If you take anything away from all the responses on here is that she's NOT doing it because she's ''horney'' and she's NOT doing it because of something she inherrited from you and your husband's pasts!!
Put boundires on where and when she's allowed to do it. Give her simple generic reasons why its not appropriate for her to do in public or in front of people (she's WAY too little to go into details of the birds and bees) and let it run its course.
Hope this helps and you can have some peace of mind!
When our son started this we simply told him that he could do it but only when he was in the bath tub. Giving him the freedom to explore but limiting the time & place immediatley made a difference. He already understood that there is a certain time & place for other activities, (coloring at the table& not the walls, mud stays outside etc.) so this was a very easy transistion for him. It only took a few "are you in the bathtub" remarks when he did start to explore for him to stop & redirect his attention elsewhere.
Since then he has rarely "explored" any where but in the tub & even there it has lost its constant appeal & is more of a passing thing & has more to do with washing than anything else. Good Luck!
I would ignore it, the last thing you want is for her to learn that her body and the way it works is shameful. This really is a natural step in her development.
I just read a great article on this exact thing on BabyCenter. I recommend it to you. Hopefully you and your husband can find an appropriate way to deal with this situation.
http://www.babycenter.com/0_masturbation_11558.bc?scid=mo...
I agree with all of those who have suggested that you and your husband seek counseling for the traumas you have experienced, so that you will be able to handle your daughter's developing sexuality over the coming years.
As for your daughter, tell her the name for her private parts. Tell her that her private parts are private -- she can touch that area when she is alone. Tell her also that no one gets to touch her privates except for Mommy and Daddy IF they are helping her to wipe, and the doctor, if Mommy or Daddy is in the room and says it's okay.
Like everyone else said, this is totally normal, and has nothing to do with anything bad. Figure out what you can do to stop worrying about it.
She will stop my 2 year old iis the same my doctor says it just cause she is curious it happens .. its super normal.. she just gets bored she will be fine
This is a hard one to answer . The only thing that worked for mine was to distract them with some thing to do when I saw them touching selfs . And I never told them that it was bad or not to do it just calmly change what they were doing . As you said she may do it when she is bored so entertain her when you see her doing it . That is what I found with my daughter and son both , It was a few months and then it stopped for mine .I think once the diapers are off they discover that they have a body part and when they touch it it feels funny . It is normal and with both your pasts it is normal for you to not be ok with it . Just be patient with her .
I have a degree in Human Development, and in that I learned that self-stimulation in kids this age is normal. I am also very religous, and in my religion we are taught that it is not OK.... I have come to realize that there are things that are "normal" (ie, not a sign of anything wrong, many kids will go through something like this) but that we don't have to accept - does this make sense?
My point is that you don't need to freak out about this (it sounds like you are taking it pretty calmly anyway), but that doesn't mean that you need to just ignore it and hope it will go away.
My boys both went through the stage where it seemed like their hands were in their pants. I calmly reminded them to not play with themselves, then gave them something else to do. Helping her to find something to replace the habit with will make it easier for her to give up the habit. You don't have to give her a reason why - she is at an age where some rules can be absolutes. And as she gets older, having already talked about touching body parts can lead more naturally into discussing sexuality (it comes waaaay too soon!!)
Especially since you have concerns due to your own experience, you can start talking, in very simple terms, about "good touch/bad touch". Basically, anywhere a swimsuit covers (for girls, it's okay to think about the 2-piece kind) is off-limits. (My pediatrician has always told the kids, when she checks them, that it's only ok since mom is there and she's a doctor, starting around 3 years or so, and reminds me to have open dialogue with them about good-touch bad touch). Maybe ask your pediatrician and/or therapist for some tips on talking about the topic, and you can gently extend it into self-touch too.
Reading this question and reading the response's to this question just make me think... What did my parents do when I went through this phase? I can't help but laugh trying to think of how my father reacted... He is a very serious person and gets embarrassed if my mom kisses him on the cheek in front of other people. So trying to think of how he reacted when I went through this stage, or when my sisters went through this stage, is just hilarious to me.
Sorry... I know that this doesn't help your situation, but I had to say something.
I simply say tell the "no". Yes it is all apart of normal development, but at the same time, at an early age values must be instilled in them. My son is 3 years old and "discovered" himself at an early age. Sometimes when he's bored he starts playing with his wee wee. And I dont over react, I just tell him "dont play with your wee wee" and he stops and goes on about his business. No questions asked. Don't be afraid to parent. If it's a habit you want to stop or limited, just tell them "no".
I have to say, I was actually releived that you were talking about mastubation and not what I know as self stimulation, or repetetive movements that like rocking, head banging, or hand flapping that are commonly assoicated with autsim. I think maybe that should bring this into perspective. What is going on in your house is normal, and nothing shameful that happened to her. Not making a big deal of it with her and making sure that you do not see it happen anymore because it upsets you is going to be the best way to handle it. Diana P has the right attitude about it. Big deal to you or not, it is normal and not a big deal to your daughter, unless you want to make it that way. Look at it this way, if you were writing about autism, it would be much worse...at least it is not that!
M.
