3 Year Old attitude...AGGHHH!!! :)

I struggle with this with my son, too.

First, don't ask her to do things. Asking implies that she has the right to say no. If she needs to do things, just tell her "Put your shoes away" or "Shoes go in the shoebox." Some kids really view you saying "Please do X" as a request, which they then think it's okay to say No to. So I suggest dropping the please unless it's a really question and you don't care if she answers No.

For the cheese example, if my son whines, I tell that I can't understand him when he uses that voice and to ask in a nice way. Once he asks "can I have a piece of cheese" (or better yet, please, can I have a piece of cheese) in a normal voice, I reward the behavior. If it's do-able and against something I already said.

I have to really remind myself to try other ways to motivate. If it's time to get in the car, for example, and I think it's going to be a struggle, instead of saying "Time to get in the car" I say "Are you going to hop like a frog or dance like a ballerina to the car?" or "What song should we sing while we walk to the car." Or "How fast can you run to the car" or "I'll race you to the car!" If you can make it a game, then she's likely to opt in.

One thing that works well (though I try to use it sparingly) is reverse psychology. "I bet you can't do X".

Sort of related to the above is "Can you use your strong muscles to ...?" or "Can you use your loud voice to...?" 3yos like to think they are getting bigger and stronger/faster/etc because they want to be "big kids" so you can use that to your advantage.
I'm sure there are other things that work that I can't think of right now...

Darn. Just typed a response and lost it.

You know how to solve the thing of tearing up her room: Don't send her there. Why do it when you know she will trash something? Use time outs in a totally neutral spot-- end of a hallway, bottom step (no climbing allowed, it's a seat for the time out), corner of a room. Nothing nearby to touch or reach so nothing can be played with -- or thrown. No TV or music on anywhere to distract her. No toys in sight for her to look at and focus on. See books by the TV "supernanny" Jo Frost, who has a lot of great advice on using time outs, especially starting them with a child who hasn't had them before. But the space should never be her own room -- if she isn't tearing it up, she will find something to play with, and that's not a time out either. Be warned--Jo Frost quite rightly says that if a child gets up before time out is over, the parent must return the child to time out -- over and over and over if needed, or the idea does not work. And having the child apologize at the end is absolutely critical. I think time outs, used correctly, also could help snap her out of her anger when she does things like throw her shoes or dump out all her rocks. Read the books and see what infractions you think would merit time outs.

I also know that you have one older child and a baby, right? Any chance this is acting out to get attention, especially if the baby is getting attention? Is your middle child getting much one on one time with you since the baby arrived? It might be time to build in more, regular time just for you and this daughter, which will require help with the other two kids, but could be so beneficial.

Have you done much reading on kids' ages and stages? You might want to find some books that discuss what is typical at different ages especially in the toddler through preschool years, and especially for kids who have siblings. I have found that knowing a bit about what is typical for the stage and age really helps with not overreacting and with getting to the real problem behind the anger.

ADDED: Sorry, I looked at what I thought was your profile and it might be pretty old -- mentions kids of 4, nearly 3 and an 8-month-old! Even if she's the youngest, the comment about more one-on-one time with her still would stand, especially if she's the baby and you have two older and probably very busy boys around. Good luck!

Love and Logic - parenting based on teaching choices and learning from natural consequences. loveandlogic.com. You can request facilitators in your area and the prices are usually very good and sometimes free.

She wants some control over her life, and she needs to learn how to use it wisely. If you can give her control over the little things that you don't care about, you'll have more over the stuff you do care about.

Example: Pajamas - Honey, you need to get your pajamas on before bedtime. Would you like to put them on now, or after brushing your teeth? - NO choice about getting them on, BUT it gives her control over WHEN.

It's not as easy as "because I said so", but the idea is that they learn more about making good choices so they know how to do it when the choices matter. Same with natural consequences. I also do a lot of explaining about how the world works with my son. Sometimes I just say no, but often I'll say the reason why so there's more understanding.

You have a strong-willed child, which has its good points and it's bad points. You have just described the bad points above.

For a child with your daughter's strong will, yes, it's normal, and a phase, and you will just have to learn consistent techniques to deal with it, as you have been.

However you deal with this, just be firm, calm and consistent.
If you think this is fun wait till she's a teenager.

You need stronger consequences! She is testing you and it sounds like she is winning! I know the feeling well because I have 3 girls and they still win at times with me. You have to find the thing that affects her the most and go with that.

I don't think she is winning and she sounds like a typical 3 year old. Testing limits and such. Just keep doing what you are doing and eventually it will pass.

well my 3 yr old is the same exact way 90% of the time, normally it gets 10x worse when she is tired and or hungry. but its a total power strugle with her and pushing boundries. PLUS she knows what gets me irrated easily (not listening, talking back) so she gets a rise out of it as well.