3-Year-Old Not Adjusting Well to Newborn

I am going through the same thing with my 2-year-old. I just had a baby on the 7th of Feb. and he has been very hard to deal with since then. Thanks for the advice it makes me feel better that I am not the only one.

J.,

My son was almost 3.5 when his baby brother was born. He too had a tough time of adjusting. It took almost 2 months of erradic behaviors, unpredictable mood swings - even for a toddler, and much, much patience and TLC to help him understand the transition. We had to make every effort to include him in the care of the newborn. The baby is now 5 months and big brother is fine. We made it through and so will you and most importantly, big brother will be fine.

I totally understand what you're going through except my son was only 16 months old when his sister was born. Gabriel regressed when we brought Janina home. Since your child is older just keep him busy so he can take pride in helping with the baby. My sister suggested that I keep him involved by asking him to bring the diapers and wipes and pacifier and then praise him for being such a big boy. It's a hard time adjusting to having to share parental attention when you've been the center of attention for almost three years. It will be better when the baby is more active and not just a lump.

He is smart and knows where the attention is at. I would try to get as many normal routines back in place but I would also let him hang out with you and the baby as much as he wants. I have 6 kids and my youngest is 2 1/2 mo. and the next closest is 3yr. I let her help with the baby by handing me a diaper and she likes to hold the baby(with close supervision) Your son may feel put out when you are trying to send him off for fun outings. If he wants to hang ut with the baby I would let him and try to encourage a sense of ownership that it is his baby sister and she needs him.

It is best to keep him in a normal routine and give him lots of big boy things to do grab a diaper read a story to the baby and as everyone else has said spend some time with him even if it is 15 mintues here and there. Include him in your housework that the baby is "too little" to do like folding towels etc then he will get use to his new role as the BIG KID of the house. He will adjust just fine after a few weeks of gettign things to a new normal

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I brought my newborn home a few months ago and my 3 year old had a hard time too. For me the most important thing to remember was that the situation sucks but is temporary. Millions of children have has new siblings come into their life and have grown up to be happy well-adjusted people. With the let down of hormones and lack of sleep it is hard to keep this at the front of your mind. But it is important to remind yourself of it often. Your confidence that your son will survive this massive change in his life will rub off on him as well. Also, returning him to a predictable schedule as soon as possible will also help. What we lost during those first few months at our house was structure which leads to feeling safe and secure for the children. As soon as I put into place a very predictable schedule again, things got easier. Also, talk to your son about his feelings. Give him words to describe his emotions and let him express himself without letting him see your heartbreak. It can feel so heartbreaking though!!!!

Believe and trust in his incredible resiliency and it will begin to transform in your house. Your guilt will recede and his confidence will grow.

Good luck:)

I have a 6 yr. old, 4 yr. old, and 10 mo. old. With each new arrival, I kept the kids involved in EVERYTHING. From getting a diaper for me to singing to the baby to helping with bathtime. While the babies were napping, we'd get out a special blanket that I would lay down and say it's time for "mommy and me time." We'd read, color, paint toes, etc. All kids are going to have a transition time when a new one arrives. Keeping up the routine will definately help. Also, it sounds like your son may be coming down with something - when my kids stop eating, I know they aren't felling well. That, or he may be exhausted and overwhellmed from the excitement of a new baby and all of the visitors. Good luck!

Get back to your daycare routine ASAP. He has had so many changes that he needs his routine back. I'm sure that everyone has been fawning over the baby - that's normal. I'm also sure that the 3 yr. old is being ignored by the visitors. It happens. Just get him back to daycare and his friends. :-)

Getting him back to a semi normal routine would probably help the most. My oldest had a hard time, too. But we did keep her in daycare so that she had some consistancy. Also, it will take them a long time to get used to a younger sibling. We still have jealousy issues 15 months later. Also, I'd talk to his pediatrician, too.

Try reading "Julius Baby of the world" together

You then modle his behavior after Lily's

Hi J.,

Do you have a pediatrician? What about a Children's Hospital where you can get advice from those with experience in dealing with all kinds of stressors in children who have a new sibling in the family. D.

Just keep trying and let him get involved with helping out with his little baby sister/brother. Have him help with feedings if you're not nursing, if you're not nursing, then let him help hold the bottle. Ask him to get a clean diaper for the baby when you're changing the babys diaper. He'll come around, don't worry. My oldest two children are 15 mos apart, and I did the same things with my son and getting him involved with helping with his baby sister. He'll be back to his own routine in no time. Just keep an eye on him and show him lots of love too. And the daycare routine is really good also, because it's also keeping him involved with kids his own age. Good Luck!
P.S., my kids are now 19 & almost 18, and they are "really" close. My son watches over his sister like there's no tomorrow!

J.,
My NOW 3yrold and Now 8mo old. Well my 3yr old(will be next mo) is STILL adjusting. She had me every min. before baby came. She was devastated/traumatized when I had to spend the night in the hospital.! I cried in the hospital alot. It was like a mess. Tried to prepare her before hand and all but anyway when we got home ...whenever anyone came over to help I would lay with my toddler for her nap ...read books with her and TOTALLY allow whoever was there to take care of baby for a little while..even if I just sat w/her. It did wonders. But I am JUST NOW still working out FULL acceptance from toddler. May not be as bad for you....my thing was my toddler slept w/me and EVERYTHING before baby so it took more adjusting than "normal"? It does get better but it does take time and whatever you can do to help them through it, do. It is hard but is worth the effort. I think it is like having to share something you love most and thats alot for a 3yr old. I would keep him out of daycare..if you can..for as long as possible so he has time to adjust as well as anyone else (but he prob. needs even longer than everyone else). Also if you havent already I got a bunch of baby books to read to toddler about new baby to help deal w/her feelings. Hug him..hug him..do anything w/out baby there as often as you can and the need for doing that will shorten as the months pass. BUT DO IT NOW. (Just the other day my toddler said, "I want Molly to go back in the belly" :) Still dealing w/her feelings some...but most of the time anymore she is very sweet to her and helpful to her ...just now and then she will want all of me)
Prayers,
K.

Hi J.:
I have a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old girls. They are 2yrs and 10 months apart.
First when I had the second one, my older one had a hard time adjusting to it. Her behavior was different than your son, but what she needed was time to adjust. After a while I realized that I was expecting her to accept the new baby in a month or even in a week. But she really needed at least 6 months or so.
I think you should just be patient, I know it is really heart breaking, make sure to show him that you love him as much as you did before, try to spend time with him one on one. He will be OK.
My two girls are the best of friends now they play so well together and they love each other.... of course there are times when they fight, but most of it is fun...
Hang in there, good luck...
Marjan
Marjan

I agree with everyone else that getting him back to his routine would heelp. Try and have some one on one time with him everyday, if dad can take baby while you and he read a book or do a puzzle - something like that. Also, if you don't have one, try and invest in a good baby carrier (see some at www.handsfreebaby) so that you can be close to / bond with baby while still having your hands free to do things with him.
Godd luck!!

When I saw your description of his actions, doesn't sound like the typical me,me,me/jealousy thing of a new older sibling. My first thought was to get him checked out by your doctor. Sleepy, weepy, not eating, not interacting with anyone but immediate family (he can't avoid) - if he was older I would say it sounds like serious depression.

I would definitely get him back into his original routine, to give him that stability back, but I would also schedule an immediate trip to the pediatrician. Not an emergency, but it doesn't sound like he's well.

Good luck!

Hi J.,

I have a 2 1/2 year old and 4 month old, so I hope that my advice will work for you, too. My daycare provider strongly urged us to continue bringing our eldest son there despite the arrival of our newborn son in October.....I'm so glad that I did that, as it allowed for his continued part-time participation in an environment without his brother. Jackson, our eldest, slowly has accepted his younger brother, but it has taken months....give your older child more time to adjust, prioritize spending time with him/her when you are able and make sure he/she is going to daycare again soon.

Good luck, it is never easy, but know, that in time, it will get better,

C

I have a near 3 year old and a one month old. My older son has been regressing a lot and has been quite whiny and clingy. I think it's just part of the changing family dynamic. I don't really have any advice, just sympathizing with you.

Well, it sounds like several things have occurred for your son at once. New baby sister is taking up everyone's time that used to be exclusively his. He is staying home from daycare (a WISE choice). And he is just in one of those "stages" - All children go through spells where they were very clingy.

If there is nothing physically wrong with him I wouldn't worry about his not eating, too much. Just make healthy eating choices available. Children don't choose to starve themselves (that doesn't happpen til they are old enough to know better). But he may try to use not eating to manipulate you. Do make his meal times special, if possible, with you. Let him help choose the menu, and then follow it, even if it means having macaroni and cheese several times a week. Put his usual favorites into a special bowl or plate. Let him set the table, help empty the dishwasher, etc.

Do try to devote some special time for just you and him, maybe when baby is asleep. You might use that time to do some art work where he can draw pictures of him and his new sister, things he wants to do with her, and things he likes doing with you and his dad without her.

Give him some special responsibilities to help with the new baby and, especially, when someone is there to see the baby. An example; when someone is over would be for HIM to go bring some special pictures of him the the new baby sister at the hospital, etc.

My granddaughter, now 5, would draw pictures of the family WITHOUT baby brother in them for about the first year of his life. She did her best to ignore him.

Do try to set up some play days for him and friends. Maybe one half day a week at the daycare or special park days. But is you just pack him up and send him back to daycare, he could see this as trying to get rid of him because y9ou want to spend all your time with the new baby and cut him out of the picture.

Spending time with him can be difficult with a new born demanding so much of your time. But with just a little thoughtfulness and a tiny bit of effort you can make him feel "indispensable" and very loved!