Guilt and Feeling Inadequate

My boys are 2 years apart and we had the same transition. Be firm and loving with the older one and DO NOT allow him to whine. This is a habit that he will rely on for years to come! When my son would have a fit, I would calmly put him in his room and tell him that he may come out when he's quiet and happy. (this was not easy and there was first more screaming.) I would make a huge deal out of it when he quieted down and praised him a bunch.

He's part of a larger family now that does not revolve around him and he needs to learn to love his sister and be cooperative - something toddlers just are not good at. I tried to make sure there was something to occupy his time when it was time for nursing. After nursing, the baby would be awake for a bit and I'd read to my older son with the baby together. When sitting down to play, I'd have the baby there too and made it a "kid" time instead of so much one-on-one. When the baby went down for naps, then it was one-on-one with him and I'd incorporate chores with him, "help mommy put this in the wash machine/dryer...can you put your plate on the table for dinner?...can you pick up 3 toys for mommy so we can vacuum?...can you throw the diaper in the trash for mommy?...Oh! Thank you! You're such a big boy!!" This also trains your kids that it's not just mommy's job to clean the house - everyone is responsible.

It's hard to watch their transitions but it's best for him to learn from the start that things don't go our way all the time and we can't just whine about it. We followed "Baby Wise" loosely to get the babies on a schedule from the minute they were born. The learned how to sleep through the night within 2 months. Maybe you can't spoil a baby but you can teach her poor sleeping habits by not setting the schedule for her. Every 3-4 hours of Eat, wake time, sleep, eat, wake time, sleep. Doesn't have to be rigid or rule your life but that cycle will serve you all very well.

And don't forget that transitioning to 2 is a very hard thing. You're still recovering physically and hormonally (!!) and low on sleep. Cut yourself some slack, girl! This is hard stuff and you're doing a great job! Keep loving on those babies! You'll all fall into a rhythm soon. Hang in there!

:o) G.
SAHM of 2 beautiful boys, 6&4

Hi,
My girls are 24 months apart so I understand completely what you are going through. It gets a lot easier as your baby girl will get older. But my advice to you as to not cheating your son is to make sure with the help of your husband if need be is to make sure you get one on one time with your son. It will make the world of difference for him to know that you can still get your attention. All I can say is its rough the first few months...because a newborn is so demanding. But as she gets older and is able to start exploring the world it will get a little easier getting things done. Good luck. (Mine are almost 3 and 1 and it definately is so much fun to see them start to play with eachother)

wow, M., my heart goes out to you! your hands are so full. i have a suggestion...have you tried a baby sling? i have four children, and my two youngest are SUCH mama's girls. when my daughter Lily was born i discovered baby slings and managed to stay sane. i actually started making them (www.carrybabyslings.com) because i tried so many different ones and finally decided i could do it better.:) when i wore lily she was totally content, could sleep as much as she needed, was happy when she was awake, and i was still able to go about my life and give the older kids what they needed. then when my youngest was born, it was an easy transition for lily b/c the baby was on me and happy, and lily never felt like my hands or time were unavailable to her (or the other kids). i found a lot of good information about it under "babywearing" at askdrsears.com (they sell slings, too), or of course you can google it and find tons of info and slings. good luck:).
blessings,
D.

Hi M.! Don't worry...my friend recently had a baby and she is the same exact way, she is very caught up in a routine and scheduling that she sometimes forgets to just let the baby be a baby! Yes, routines are important, but sometimes you have to adjust your routine/schedule according to the baby's needs and demands...let it flow naturally. Also, is it an option to get part time help for your son? I.e. daycare for 1/2 a day a few times a week, or any friends or family willing to come by and take a shift off your hands so you can get some rest? Don't feel guilty about needing and requesting help...you're only human, not a super woman...and raising children is debatedly harder than working outside the home!

So if you need a few hours to yourself once or twice a week...you're smarter and wiser to ask for it than to remain quiet with tons of pressure on your shoulders! Also, I would suggest carving time out to spend with just your son without the baby...for example have your husband watch your newborn for a couple of hours at night while you and your son just go and grab some ice cream and take a walk. Small but I'm sure it'll reassure your son that you still love him just as much as before his annoying little sister came....lol.

God bless!

M.~ you are a good mom and you know it! Guilt should not be part of this package for you. I had severe ppd and it manifested as uncontrollable anxiety and feeling like I was not an adequate parent. Your little guy will be just fine, even if he has to whine a little bit to adjust. I think if you weren't sleep deprived you'd know exactly how to handle this situation...LOL. Just relax and be a little easier on yourself...let this adjustment happen and play out the way it will and worry less about 'making' it happen. You will all find a new normal and it will settle into routine for you.

A few suggestions pop into my head; Try to employ your little guy as a helper to you. Take him with you to put her down for naps and show him how to sneak out of her room quietly. During feeding, give him the job of keeping a burp cloth under her chin or getting bibs for her. Also, I had a HUGE success with re-arranging the feeding schedule. If you don't already, try a feed-wake-sleep routine. That way, baby is staying awake for a full feeding, as well as being up for the happy, full belly times. Then when she is starting to get fussy and a little hungry, she'll be sleeping until the next feeding. When she wakes up, she'll be good and hungry, ready to take another full feeding. I can't say why, but that simple routine change made a WORLD of difference for my guys (and me).

You are a smart mommy...if you need help, get it! There is no shame in what pregnancy does naturally to some women. PPD (if it's the case) is not being inadequate, lazy, or unable to parent...it's nature and it's not your fault. I'ts a cruel joke to send a new mom, with raging hormones, home with a new baby! LOL

You'll be okay, but most of all you are not alone! I know the moms on here are happy to listen and try to help...day or night!

Good luck!
~L.

Dear M. K.,

Pray and ask God what you can do differently to help your son get used to sharing his mom with little sister. God has the best ideas and they don't always sound like something that would work but work better than anything a person might suggest for your family because He knows YOUR family even better than you do.

Your baby is awfully young to not be filling up enough, but perhaps you might try extremely soupy baby rice cereal in a spoon. She is so young that I don't know if her little stomach could handle baby cereal, but some babies are so hungry and in a growth spurt that they either need more breastmilk or formula and/or rice baby cereal.

Take the baby to the doctor and tell the pediatrician how she is behaving and ask for suggestions and if there are any tests that could be performed that might answer your questions.

Also, doctors don't always know everything. Sometimes trial and error figures out the problem for your particular family.

Some people also read a book to the older child while feeding a bottle to the baby. Obviously you can't give him more attention while changing a diaper or something like that, but you can praise him for being such a wonderful older brother and tell him how his little sister will learn how to look up to him as she grows older and he treats her kindly and with respect.

It is very important to get as much sleep and rest as you are physically able while having two little ones. You probably won't always be able to get as much as you need since you are the main caregiver, but do the best you can with what is available to you. Take the opportunity to pass off the baby to anybody you trust so you can have some alone time with the older son sometimes so he knows you still love him as much as ever and that you value him, just like you value the baby and she is very young and tell him that he required a lot of your time when he was so young.

Hope this helps some.

L. C.

you need a postpartum doula!!!

In Grand Rapids (all of kent co.) you can get one for FREE 2-6 hours a week through Moms Bloom. momsbloom.org on the East side of the state you can get low cost doulas from Doulas Care- http://center4cby.com/doulas-care.html

A post partum doula will help you and your family through the transition time- they will do things like lite house work, making a meal, caring for the older sibling, helping you with coping and adjusting, caring for baby so you can catch a nap it varies from program to program, and from doula to doula. you can also hire a doula find one in your area DONA.org. I am currently seeking my postpartum doula certification- and have a discounted price until I reach my certification...see if others in your area might do the same!

I am in GR if you want more info!

I don't know if you're breastfeeding but if so, your sweet daughter needs to be fed according to her cues/needs and not your desire for a schedule. You really can't schedule a small baby without doing harm.

I think your stress level and desire to schedule are having an effect on both the children. Is it possible for you to relax and go with the flow? These are precious days and both children are growing fast. Please try to enjoy them. It takes some thought to occupy an older baby (and he is still really a baby too!) while caring for a new one. Are there special stories, toys, videos that he could look forward to doing while you're feeding the baby and also when you have a rare bit of time alone with him? Can dad spend special time with him on a regular basis? If you can develop some routines that he enjoys but not tie them to a specific time slot, you can do them when they fit in. Talk to both children a lot about how dear they are to you, and how much you enjoy being with them.

La Leche League has a lot of wonderful material. Check out their website www.llli.org then click on Resources then Answers. They also recommend a book LOVING EACH ONE BEST, but it sounds like you don't have much time to read at the moment.

Just try to relax and enjoy your the gifts God has given you in these babies! Take it day by day and forget the scheduling as much as you can.

M.,
Don't be too hard on yourself, Your doing great! Its just a matter of figuring out what works and making a new routine, you will get there! I have 5 children ages 12yrs to 18months, and I always held my babies a lot, and rocked them to sleep. What I would always do when I had a new baby was rock them in our big overstuffed rocker recliner, and then have the next oldest child climb right in and rock with us. Put a video in that the older child can watch, and just enjoy some down time and rest. It will get easier. God bless.

First- take a breath. My kids are almost 4 years apart so when my daughter came home it was a bit easier. However, (she is now 9 mos) she NEVER napped. If she feel asleep it was rarely more than 15 minutes and she would wake if a feather fell next to her. I realized very quickly that she would have to cry sometimes. I never left her screaming...however, if I had to finish a game or get my son lunch or whatever she had to "wait her turn". I was pretty good about just bringing her along to whatever we were doing. Have you tried a sling?

It is so nice out-- try to do outside things with your son. He is much more likely to play "independently" outside. You can put the baby in the stroller to sleep-- or rest or use a sling. Your son will get attention and will be fine. Actually studies have shown that babies overcompensate and actually paid less quality attention to the second child.

You have gotten lots of responses but whats one more. My daughters are 18 months apart and I felt the same way at first. Talk to your husband and MAKE him understand that you need a min (or 20) to yourself!!!! It does get better though. My daughters are now 5 and 3 1/2 and it has gotten WAY better!

I feel for you M. but hang in there! Every day will get just a little bit better, I promise. I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and a 6 month old son so I have recently been in your shoes.

A friend advised me to be patient in this time period (birth to 3 months) and allow the new baby to become acclimated with her new surroundings. It seems we should know this with it being baby number 2, but I think it is very easy to find yourself overwhelmed and just plain exhausted. I don't know about you, but in those first couple of months I felt like I had no clue what I was doing, fumbling from day to day.

Of course a schedule or routine is necessary but try to set that as a future goal. This baby is feeling her way around in this bright new world and can't help getting off track easily. As she grows and becomes familiar with day to day existence outside of your cozy womb she will adapt and your life will seem back on track. Your son will benefit from her growth as well. In the meantime, as simple as it sounds, try to go with the flow, so to speak. Follow your daughter's lead and make time for your son any chance you get. My husband and I "switched" kids throughout the evening and weekends to allow that special, focused attention for our oldestand it made a big difference.

Now, at 6 months, my son is following a great schedule and sleeping like a dream. (He started sleeping through the night at 7 1/2 weeks). Most days they even nap for 2-3 hours at the same time! Never thought that would be possible.

Sorry for rambling, just thought I might be able to give you some hope! Good luck!

M. I don't have much more to offer other than what the other mom's have said. I really agree with the sling. I used one with my second baby and I loved it. I just wanted to say hang in there. In times of exhaustion we feel so desperate. Your son is not being neglected!! You ARE a good mom !! Do you have any family help that can come maybe just once a week so you can nap (with your son maybe)? Good luck and remember to just sit back and take a big deep breath when it gets overwhelming. 19 months is a demanding age anyways, it'll get better. I promise. Even at the darkest hours of the night there is always the promise of daylight!

Hi, M..
I can only give support right now as I am just coming out of this stage that you are still in. My daughter was 20 months when I had my son in March. He is 4 months now and all is well. My daughter adjusted, my son adjusted, all are sleeping and eating well. It wasn't like this from the beginning, though. I went through what it sounds like you are going through. There are days that I still feel awfully guilty about not spending enough time with one or the other, but I am more rested these days to deal with that and you will be too shortly. Have faith that you ARE doing the right things for your son and daughter. Relax, take care of yourself as well. It makes us better parents to take care of ourselves and teaches our children the same. My daughter will still, at times, decide to act unnaturally for her at times when I need to tend to my son, but it is a process for the older sibling as well. Our dog even needed to adjust again! Your precious children will be fine and so will you. Hang in there, get some rest when you can, and have faith.

R.

Relax. You are adjusting yourself (and healing still). Give yourself and everyone time. Don't fret over the 5 week old naps, routine etc. My son is 4 mo old and changes so rapidly that I can hardly get a routine established before he has a growth spurt or is now sprouting teeth.

Perhaps you should get a baby carrier for the 4 mo old and strap her on and go about your day. I'm sure she'd sleep longer and be a better sleeper later b/c she'd be use to noise and lots of change in her routine. As for your son, he will adjust as well. Don't show guilt or he'll think you are doing something wrong (which you aren't) and he'll feel like he's missing out (which he must know he is important/loved, but may have to be patient). Include him where you can and remind yourself that it is okay to have him "wait" for your attention while you tend the baby. Make sure you are getting rest when you can and know that neither the 5 wk old nor the 19 mo old will recall much from this time in their lives - so be caring, loving, and do the best you can. God bless.

Dear M.,

There is no doubt in my mind that the second baby is the hardest for everyone, especially the Mom. Even if logically you ahve it all planned and think you can anticipate it all, 5 weeks is about the time that it catches up with you and it seems that everything is falling apart. This too, shall pass. Your son will adjust, you are paying him enough attention. This type of adjustments help him to adapt and transition better as he gets older. One thing that might help, is if there is a family member that could take him for a special time or outing, that is only for him, and not the baby. That might make him feel special and less dependent on you for all of his attention needs. Those 1/2 hour naps sound like they are killer. At 5 weeks it is very challenging to teach a sleep cycle, but I wonder what would happen if you didn't go to her when she wakes up so early? When she is due to go to the doctor at 6 weeks, I would mention it to them and make sure they check her ears.
Hang in there mama, it gets better.
I also wanted to mention that I understand about your need to make sure you don't have sleeping problems again. I had true sleep deprivation for a long time with my son, and I take great pains now to make sure I never get to that point again. I don't think you are being freakish at all, you are taking precautions to avoid a very difficult situation. That is what experience does to you, it shapes the present and future. That is a good thing, so you keep on doing what you are and it will all be good for your family.

Hi M.

You poor girl. On top of all of this transition - you have GOT to be exhausted.

How about a playdate for your little guy? That way - some of the pressure if off of you - and it's fun for him. Maybe a couple of times/week? It would also mean another parent around to help them while you do what you need to do with the baby.

Also - I would get a sling - some way for you to hold the baby while you're playing with your son. My boys are 24 months apart - I used to go crazy thinking of ways to entertain the almost-2 -yr-old while I fed the baby/held the baby. This is just hard.

USE FRIENDS and FAMILY. Accept help if/when it's offered. And - hang in there! It gets better - these first 6 months, in my opinion, are just hard.

i have no advice but i feel that is what you have to deal with when you have children so close in age, it will get better i am sure. good luck

Have you tried wearing your daughter? She would probably enjoy being carried by you (and it might even help her sleep more), since she's used to being carried in the womb. Go to www.thebabywearer.com to find some support and information. Depending on your time situation you might be able to attend a "Baby Wearers Meeting" in your area, where some experienced mothers can help you decide which carrier would be best for you. That way, you can have her near in case she needs you and you can pay attention to your son by reading or playing with him while she sleeps.

I have a 3 month old who loves being "worn", and it's a lifesaver some days! Good luck!

First of all, congrats on your special family - we, too, had our first two very close (our son was almost 17 months when our daughter arrived). It is a very exhausting experience and I felt like you do - it is very hard to have enough time to tend to two 'babies' at the same time. I also felt guilty and heartbroken to see my son have to grow up so soon and share his parents. Now that ours are 6 and 4, we are SOOO glad they are so close in age. They are the best of friends, and they are both very good at sharing, since they can't remember not having to! Have you tried using a snugli (or similar baby carrier)? My daughter practically lived in that thing for awhile - it keeps her close so she is happy and content, but you also have both hands free to play with your other little buddy. We also have a third child that is now 17 months, and we used it a ton for her as well. I agree with you that newborns cannot be spoiled, so I had no problem with 'wearing' them around for the first weeks. I wish you all the joy and happiness in the world for your family - I always feel for others with children close in age. It is a ton of work, but so worth the rewards. I only wish I would have enjoyed it more instead of worrying about things so much - so take it from me, just enjoy your babies, since they will be big before you know it!!

HUG It's so hard to transition from one to two.

Have to tried a sling to carry your daughter in so her needs are being met while you tend to your son? It doesn't have to be one or the other child you CAN do both at once with a little creativity.

Hi M. -- I am new at this and started a response which has disappeared, so I don't know if you received it. The heart of it was that your family is fortunate to have you thinking so lovingly about them. I can hear how hard it is to juggle the needs of each, and it is great that your wonderful husband helps to keep you sane! There is a terrific website, www.handinhandparenting.com which has lists of articles that you might find helpful. The article on whining might be especially helpful in your situation. Patty Wipfler is a fantastic teacher, thinker and writer. Her website offers teleseminars, articles, call-in help and much more. She fully gets how challenging parenting is and gently and lovingly leads the way through the feelings to the loving child and parent-child connection that is tuly there. I wish you well! M. Myers

Hi M., :)

Well, as a mom of 6 whose kids are AT MOST 2 days shy of 2 years apart with most of them 18 mo or less, I have to say that I feel this will pass soon.

It's natural for a 19mo old to feel upset when you're not spending time with them. After all, they've just really got a grasp on the fact that they have an autonomous self to spend time with!

However, this natural tension that arises with a new sibling is no real biggie. :) You'll notice your son is fine when you're doing the dishes - because he knows, matter of factly, that they need to be done, you're going to do them, and you'll be available again when you're done. Present the baby to him in exactly the same way. Let him know that you are busy taking care of the baby, that the baby is too little do do things on her own like him, and remind him that he was once small and couldn't do things for himself too. Let him know that as soon as you're done, you'll be with him, and take any reasonable oppertunity you get even while you're busy with the baby, to notice something he's doing, offer some sincere praise, talk to him, or even just give him a little hug, squeeze on the shoulder etc as you pass by. He'll get over it quickly as soon as he realizes that baby care is non-negotiable. Also, when you tell him that, don't sound/feel guilty. There's nothing to feel guilty about! You are the mom and taking care of what needs to be taken care of is your job. If you have more than one, plan on there being one who "needs you most" right now. Families are rarely in balance (adults included) on a person to person basis, (and indeed being too focused on forced equality instead of individual needs can lead to just as much imbalance since SOMEBODY has to give up thier personal balance to balance everyone else) however, they can be balanced on a collective basis, and really that is what's ideal anyway. We all need to know that we are important and valued, and that it doesn't depend on whether or not we get our way, get the "most" (or "fair" - whatever that means) amount of attention, etc, as well as that the needs of others matter too, and that the needs of the group are sometimes greater than the good of the individual. These are the life lessons that make us strong and caring adults. Don't feel bad for passing them on to your son. Just let him know as often as you can in your own special way how much you still love and value him - no matter what crazy thing is going on, and he'll get the point - no matter what age.

Hi M.!

I see you've already had myriad responses, but one can never have enough support. My daughters are 15-months apart, with the younger fast approaching age 2, but though I hardly remember the craziness of the first few months, I remember the emotions very well. It's very hard, it's chaotic and 'mommy guilt' abounds.

By routine, do you mean routine or schedule? A routine means you follow one activity with another in a predictable sequence (i.e. Eat, Activity, Sleep, Eat, Activty, Sleep...). A schedule is trying to do those things at the same time everyday. Your little girl is just a bit too young for a very structured routine and way too young for a schedule. I am also very big on routines, but I strongly recommend you relax it for a few more weeks and just follow her lead. Remember, she spent 9-months in your womb. She needs time to adjust. By fixating on her routine this early, it's putting a tremendous amount of stress on you, her and your son. Why not put her in a sling like others mentioned and let her keep close to you. Then you can concentrate on helping your son with this huge change in his life. Spend as much time with him as you can.

Life will get easier around 8 weeks, noticeably easier around 4-months and then often enjoyable once past the six-month mark. By her 1st birthday you'll be having a blast, but with new challenges. Thankfully, the incredible, joyful moments are no less intense than the frustrating ones.

Since you like routines, I recommend reading the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg. I'm not sure where you're located, but if you're around Grand Rapids you're welcome to borrow mine for awhile. Email me at ____@____.com

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and try your best to breathe and relax. Your children are tuned into you and the ability to relax is actually a skill that is learned. So, teach them how by showing them. Breathe, play soft music and rock with both of them, read calm stories. Take several times a day alone, or with one or both of your children to just chill. Do this with your husband around too. He sounds supportive, so be sure to spend 10 minutes alone every day when he's home so that you have 10 uninterrupted minutes to yourself. Have a coffee, brush your hair, whatever. I always liked a hot shower to relax because I couldn't hear if anyone was crying! :)

I feel for you and wish you the best. Keep imagining how fun it will be down the road.

Warm regards,
T.

http://kindermusikwithmisstamara.kindermusik.net

Have you seen the video 'the happiest baby on the block'? I suggest watching it. It has helped me with my newborn who is just about 4 wks old. The tips in that video really helped me sooth my newborn and get her more comfortable and calm so that she sleeps better. I think you would feel much better if her sleeping lasted longer to give you more of a break and more time for your son. I know there are SO MANY books and videos out there that offer up advice and it is impossible to keep up or know which one is right. This is the only video I found that works like a charm every time! Hope this helps!

Hang in there! My daughter is 10 months old and my 2 1/2 year old son is still adjusting! Your children sound like my children in that they are what my neighbor calls "well-loved." In other words, we shower them with attention! Part of what is great about having a second child is that our first-born children will realize that the world does not revolve around them(at least eventually, right?) Right now is your difficult time. Both of your children and young and are going to demand your attention. You are going to have to decide whose needs are more immediate, meet those needs, and then move on to the other child. Someone will most likely cry, but, that's O.K. They will not be scarred for life! You will continue to be EXHAUSTED and have no time for anything but children, but I am told that this time ends?! Just keep praying for wisdom, strength, and patience for the meantime! God Bless!

I totally understand.. I have been there. My daughter was 18 months old when my son was born.. I felt like I neglected my older child. I felt like I neglected the new baby.

The first year is very very hard. All new moms of 2 young children feel like you do. It is totally normal.

Your newborn is too young to be on a schedule. She needs to be held -alot.. just liek you held the firstborn. Soem day she will have a schedule but not yet.

It will get easier. My daughter is 2 1/2 and my son is 1 and they both nap in the afternoon at the same time FOR THREE hours..!!!!!

Two kids are so much more work than one.

Can you have grandma or an aunt come and help??? I had a nanny come 4 days a week for about a month. Then I had the nanny come once or twice a week. I remember sitting on my bed in the morning nursing the newborn with my toddler drinking her bottle.. and thinking nanny will be here soon.

Hire help.... get someone to come over and help you at least one day a week.

I also used my nanny day to do the grocery shopping and any other errand that needed to be done.. I do not take 2 kids on errands..

It will get easier...

Welcome to being a mom of 2 kids! I consistently worry about favoring one child over the other and mine are 4yrs and 6yrs old! I think as long as you are worried about it, you're probably not doing it too bad. Couple things that helped me:
When I was nursing/feeding baby, I would sit on the couch with my older child next to me and read books with him.
I would play on the floor with my older child (blocks or whatever) while holding my baby.
You're baby doesn't need as many psychological needs right now as your older child. Play and talk with your older child. Hold and Feed your baby. Don't worry about the house. Just be a relaxed mama and that's all they need.

Hello M.,

Three weeks ago I was in the same position you are in now. I have a 14 month old boy and now an 8 week old girl. That is not an easy time you are going through and my daughter did the same thing with sleeping. She only was taking like 1/2 hour naps between feedings. There were many moments that I felt like I couldn't keep going. Oh, just being so tired is not fun.

She will figure out her sleep, but yes I became consumed with trying to get her to sleep. The funny thing was is that I think she was not being stimulated enough when she was awake, so then she just couldn't sleep. At 7 weeks old I figured that out and now I put her in our jumperoo with blankets to support her and she has a very strong neck so she controls her head and I put on the lights and sounds and she is entertained:)

Hang in there!! Last night she slept for 10 hours straight and took great naps yesterday. I know you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there.

Also try to get out with them if you can. Maybe visit someone or better yet have someone come over. That helps with my son. That person can give him all their attention-grandmas are good at that:)

I hope you feel somewhat encouraged, because that is what you need.

Hope you get some sleep,
B.

Hi M.,
You are doing a good job and experiencing normal feelings. When I was pregnant with my second, I worried that I could never love her as much as the first.....I was wrong! The balance factor was challenging, but you said it yourself that your expectations may be too high. I encourage you to relax a bit and give yourself permission to lay low and enjoy this time. Fortunately or unfortunately, kids, even babies as young as yours pick up on the stress that the mom is feeling - you are a good mom, you love both your kids, you will figure out how to convey that to them in time so you don't carry the guilt. And your sons life will be richer one day because of his sister. My kids were 18 months apart - that makes it even harder since the first one is still kind of a baby. Don't sweat it - now they are 28 and 26 and good friends:) Take it slow and easy. I like the baby wearing idea too - meets the needs of you, baby and toddler!

HI there,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. But don't despair, you are a wonderful Mother, that sounds like you pour yourself and your heart into your children. Just remember these first couple of months are so hard, but it will get easier. And the more time that goes by, I think, even though your son is your, he will adjust. And I think one of the biggest things is the more comfortable, calm, and laid back you are, the more your children will be too:) Don't overstress yourself by trying to be too strict with a schedule, I think that is only cause for more stress on you. Enjoy being a SAHM, and just let the day go how it will, and enjoy all you can without too much guilt. Just hang in there, you are doing great!!!

I can honestly say I know what you're going through! I freaked out when we had my second child because I wanted to make sure we didn't create any bad sleeping habits with the second like we did with the 1st! I would even tell my hubby to put our baby down if I found him holding her while she was asleep! (I can't believe it either!) But I just didn't want to create a monster and I wanted to foster self soothing from the beginning (it worked all i have to do is lay her down in her bed fully awake and she goes to sleep!). As far as feeling bad about not being able to devote your time to your oldest one-don't! It will not help and he'll sense it. Do your best to make the most of the moments you do get to share with him and know that it will all get better with time. Your baby will change sleeping patterns-just stick with your approach and it will eventually fall into place. I remember literally crying the 1st time my oldest saw our new baby-i cried b/c i realized it was an end for her being number 1 in the house! She took about 6 months before she really stopped having behavioral issues that were due to the new comer but now she is so protective of her lil sis. You oldest is a still quite young so he may have a different adjusting pace. You are not losing it-you're just caring for your family! Just try not to let every issue frustrate you and I wish you luck!

M.,
This is a very hard time!!
Have you tried using a sling for the newborn. I didn't really use one for my 1st but it was invaluable for my 2nd and 3rd. My girls would sleep in it and I could give the older one as much attention as she needed.
As far as the schedual is concerned your right in thinking that you are putting too much into it. Just relax and do what you know is best!
Blessings, K.

Sounds like a sling would be a really great solution. Not the walking kind like bjorn, but a cozy one where the baby hides inside and snoozes. I have the mama's milk brand, which is super easy to use, but it's a very personal choice. The baby will sleep much longer, and I noticed it helped my dd sleep better in her crib also because I think she felt more confident and secure after being in the sling.
Plus, you can do almost anything - play with your son, housework, etc.
I've heard of a really good store around here that sells lots of different brands that you can try on, but I don't know the name - I'm sure someone on this listserv would know. I bought my sling on Amazon. Best of luck!

Edit: Oops - I hadn't read all the other responses - not sounding too original! I also remembered I have an extra sling that I've never used if you'd like it - contact me offsite.

hi M. !

welcome to the guilty world of parenting more than one ! just know that we always worry way more than is warranted, kids are so incredibly resilient emotionally, it would take so much more than this to actually be harming your little guy.

what has saved my life w/ mothering 5 biological children all very close in age is slinging my babies. this last baby i have is very high needs and the stress of it has caused his closest older sib to actually start biting herself when he gets stressful !

wearing him so he's happy and i can spend time w/ her (and the rest of them) w/ my hands free has saved our lives. i esp love that i found a way to sling him on my back so i can still hug and snuggle and let them sit on my lap while he is happy and bundled and cooing away behind us. i got my mei tai slings from www.kozycarrier.com and another from www.babyhawk.com. i have 4 now and am never w/out one. i've tried all the styles out there and find mei tais to be the most versatile and comfy. - you can nurse discreetly in one & wear it on front or back !

good luck, this shall pass all too quickly and you will find yourself missing this time soon enough, so cherish the journey and don't be too hard on yourself, you're doing a great job, mama !

www.myspace.com/mummaTOwldthings

Is she still hungry and that's why she won't stay asleep? Maybe try putting a little cereal-1 tsp in her bottle, that depends if you are up for that. She is constantly growing and probably just going thru a growth spurt. I went thru the guilt too with my 3yr old son, always having to tell him "wait". Which he is still not used to and the baby is now 8 mo's. How about having him play part in putting her to bed. When she does fall asleep, have him walk with you to the baby's room to put her down, as long as he is quiet. If he is good reward him. You may have to ignore his whines because he is adjusting and have to get used to you leaving the room. I hope this helps.

M.,

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! and welcome to the world of two kids close in age....aaaahh! :)

My boys are 18 months apart and I had those same feelings when my youngest was born in December. YOU ARE NORMAL! Ah, the neverending cylce of mommyhood guilt, right?

My youngest son stopped napping well and it made me anxious - I was constantly worried about how long he slept, what quality of sleep he was getting, how to get him to sleep longer, researching sleep methods & books (just writing down that list makes my anxiety higher. jeesh!), to the point of almost making myself crazy. He was napping 6 times per day, about 30 minutes at a time. And I felt like I was divided between the 2 kids, neglecting my oldest, and forcing this schedule onto my youngest, and "fighting" with him to sleep.

(hindsight is 20/20 of course, and now I realize that he was too young to have an sense of established routine, and also I realize my oldest didn't fall into a routine until around 1 year old)

Then, for some reason, I just chose to stop worrying about the daytime sleeping & concentrate on how I could cope with caring for 2 small children. And suddenly things seemed brighter.

What worked for me: a swing, a bouncy seat, and movies for my older son (gasp!) to watch while I was feeding my youngest. And I just let #2 sleep the best that he could (he was also diagnosed with reflux, and started zantac around 3 months of age). And the less I worried, the easier things got, and then all of a sudden...life returned to "normal". #2 has settled into a nice routine of napping (the naps are still short, and shorter than #1 ever did, but they require differnet amounts of sleep, much to my dismay, HA!)

6 months is the magic number, so it seems. And so everybody told us, though it seemed like a far-off number some days. But it does get better. I promise. My boys are now 26 months and 7 months, and we are all alive and well.

If you need further support and encouragement, please don't hesitate to drop me an e-mail. Seeking solace in other mommies was also a key to my survival!

____@____.com

B.