3 1/2 Year Old Daughter's Tantrums Upsetting Others in the House

I saw a show recently the lady that was on there runs a daycare and when the kids in her daycare start throwing a tantrums she redircs emotions differtly . she has a mat off in anouther room where they go and the can look through a box of kids mags or drawing or even paper and scissers so they can cut up things if they want . the only thing i see wrong with the cutting stuff is thats just teaching them to cut up things. maybe try not sending her to her room but maybe another nutarle room where she can throw her tantrum and not bother anyone. i hope this helps

Wow you have already a lot of responses and I didn't take the time to read them all so I apologize if I repeat anything... but I suggest that you not take her to her room because that is her sleeping and possibly toy area. I would suggest that you find a corner, room or the bottom step of your stairs. They say you should only put them in time out for a minute every year of their age. Do you watch Super Nanny??? I swear with dedication this stuff works. At the age of 3 1/2 she should be coming out of her terrible two phase but every child is different. Here are my recommendations...

Praise and Rewards
The best rewards are attention, praise and love. Sweets, treats and toys are not necessary as rewards. A star chart or a special outing can back up a pattern of good behavior.

Consistency
Once you have made a rule, don't change it for the sake of a quiet life or because you're embarrassed. Make sure that everyone--which includes caregivers and your partner--keeps to the same rules as well. A rule is a rule is a rule.

Routine
Keep your home in basic order and maintain a routine. Set times for waking, meals, bath and bed are the cornerstones of family life. Once a routine is in place, you can be a little flexible, if you're on vacation, for example. It's a framework, but it doesn't have to be rigid.

Boundaries
Children need to know there are limits to their behavior--which means what is acceptable and what is not. You need to set rules and tell them what you expect.

Discipline
You can only keep the boundaries in place by discipline. This means firm and fair control. It may just take an authoritative voice and a warning to get the message across. Otherwise, there are other techniques you can use, none of which involve punishment.

Warnings
There are two kinds of warning. One tells a child what's coming next-- you're the Speaking Clock telling her that bathtime is coming up soon, or that you're getting near to putting her lunch on the table. The other is a warning for bad behavior. That gives her the chance to correct her behavior without any further discipline.

Explanations
A small child can't understand how you want him to behave unless you tell him. Show and tell to get the message across. Don't reason or make it too complicated--just state the obvious. When you are disciplining a child, explain why in a way that is appropriate for his age. Ask him if he understands the reason why he has been disciplined so that the message hits home.

Restraint
Keep cool. You're the parent and you're in charge. Don't answer a tantrum by a display of anger or respond to shouting by shouting back. You're the adult here. Don't let them wind you up.

Responsibility
Childhood is all about growing up. Let them. Allow them to do small, achievable things to boost their self-confidence and learn the necessary life and social skills. Get them involved in family life. But make sure your expectations are reasonable. Don't set them up for failure.

Relaxation
Quality time is important for everyone, including yourself. Let your child unwind at bedtime with a story and cuddles. Make sure you, your partner and your other kids have quality time for individual attention.

Let your daughter know that she can only use the princess plate when she is good. set up a chart if she gets 3 smiley faces in one day then she gets to use the plate. tell your boyfriend and his daughter to ignore the best they can because they are also giving her the attention she wants. everyone in the house needs to show her they are not going to let her get away with her fit throwing.

I have a 17 month old and I am going through a similar situation and I have tried everything to get her to stop the irrational screaming. The only thing that seems to be working for us is putting her in her room when she starts being unreasonable. I tell her "you have the right to be upset, but I have the right not to listen to your fit. When you are ready to stop crying you can come out." It sounds too simple, but the first couple of times she would come out before she was done and then I would put her back in her room and start over. Then finally when she came out and wasn't crying I would give her a big hug and kiss and tell her I love her. Then we go back to doing what we were before anything started. I do not agree that you should just give her the plate in the first place. She needs to learn that she doesn't always get what she wants. At 4 years old she has some reasoning skills and understands right from wrong (on a simple level). Consistency is the biggest part. Whatever you decide to do, keep doing it. I hope it helps....I know how frustrating it can be.

Read it here: I think you should put her in her room. Tantrums are in fact, expressing emotions but they are an inappropriate way of doing so. Your job is to teach her this. By putting her in her room, you show her gently, but firmly, that she is not the center of the house and the rest of you will continue to eat, play, etc without her until she learns to voice her emotions acceptably. Perhaps all the advice out there disagrees with me, but after three kids and quite a few nephews and nieces, I have learned that this not only curbs the tantrums but helps them learn how to express emotions in other ways so that I can help them.

I've learned that using the bedroom as punishment gives them a sense that the bedroom is bad and they won't want to go there for naps and bedtime. use a different place for punishment. if you use time outs, make sure the time out area/mat is away from traffic areas, in a corner etc. but you have to find something that works for YOUR child. you may end up trying a lot of different things. main thing is be consistant with what ever you pick. when my son ,who will be 3 in january, gets whinny and screams and cries. example if he's in his booster seat eating and doesn't get somethign he wants.. i get down to his level(always important), talk calmly to him, (hard sometimes), and use short repetative statements of what i NEED him to do , then state, he get's such and such, if he does what he's asked. if it is in fact something he can have if he is good. if it's something that no way he can have. i do the same, but with short repetative statements tell him we can't do such adn such right now, we can do that another time, or tomorrow. or later. There are times i just have to let him cry and scream. for a few minutes.(they might be tired or not feeling well.). then i usually go over and comfort him and get him to calm down, try to use his words, and by that time he has forgotten what he was pitching a fit about. as far as your boyfriend and his daughter being upset. would it be any different if the child was his? meaning,, this is age appropriate behavoir. i'm sure his daughters did the same things. i'm sure they love you, and they need to understand it's part of having toddlers in the house and steering them to the right behaviors, with our own actions and words. what's the compromise? the boyfriend and his 9 year old daughter, being older, need to be the understanding ones of a toddler and try to help you and not make it harder on you. my two cents

as one post said,, pick your battles. it's a plate.. in a month from now, or a year from now, will it really matter in the whole scheem of things if she uses the plate daily?
i hope you are able to find something that works.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making your daughter go to her room when she has a fit. That is what I do with my daughter and I let her know when I send her to her room that she can come out just as soon as she is done throwing her fit. Once your daughter is done, explain to her calmly that you know that she may get upset sometimes, and that is ok. You don't have to listen to it however, so that is why she will be sent to her room to have her tantrums. (Eventually tantrums will become fewer and fewer as she realizes that she will not have an audience. There is no longer a point to having tantrums) Whatever you do, don't give in to her.

I think its harder than it looks to be 3 years old. Maybe you could make sure to give her the princess plate in the first place, then she won't have to throw a fit for it. I know not all situations would be that easy, but the ones that are take advantage of it. go spend $10 bucks on a couple plates. Maybe she is going for the negative attention and it has nothing to do with the plate. If she feels she is not getting enough of your complete attention, Kids will take any attention they can get. 15 minutes of your undevided attention everyday may help to calm atleast some of the tantrums.maybe just the two of you could take a walk or something where nobody could steal any of her time.

My advice is to pick your battles. I'm sure others will disagree with me, so this is just my opinion. This tantrum throwing is just a phase. Try to avoid the tantrum. If you see she's getting upset because she can't have a certain plate, let her have the plate before it becomes a tantrum. It's a control issue. Do you care what plate she gets? She just wants some control of her life. I think whenever you can, let her have her control-- on the little issues. You have to stand strong on other issues (like if she's hitting someone)-- which will cause tantrums, but overall the number of tantrums will decrease making everything more manageable. She will outgrow the tantrums. Good luck.

J.

YOu can not reward her for her tantrums. Cause she will use this against you for everything. That when ever she wants something; all she will have to do is have a fit. KNowing that if she does this; she will always get what she wants. Then she will walk all over you. She will use this too when she gets older.
You have to punish her for her fits. Let her know that she can't always have her way.That there are consequences for her fits.

Well we have really only 1 rule at our house, and my 2 year old can already tell you what the rule is and fully understands it, "IF YOU MAKE BAD CHOICES, YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE FUN." Seems simple, but give your daughter the boundries and she can totally understand this concept if you explain it to her and stick to it. If Mason forgets his manners and tantrums to get something(for him it's the Shreck plate. lol) We say yelling is not a good choice, maybe you should use your manners if you want your fun plate. It took time but now he stops in his tracks and with a huge smile he says "PEEEZ Sheck pate mommy!" And he gets it. If he made the bad choice and continued to tantrum, he wouldn't get that plate and he would spend 2 minutes in time out. Of course if he is screaming and crying because he is hurt or sad, we sit and talk it out.
Hope this helps, I know it's hard because all children respond to different things...I'm sure you will find a way to work through it, a lot of people have told me that it's the three's that are terrible not the two's! good luck A.!
R.

What I learned about tatrums is pick your fights with the kids.If giving her the princess plate makes her happy give it to her in the first place that avoids the tatrum and makes eating a better thing for everyone.I understand u can not avoid all tatrums I know my 5 year old son still has them but if i can aviod him having one than i do it.I know one time when we where at the store he had a fit over a toy he wanted and continued this thru the store so when we got home we went in his room and took some of his favorite toys away to teach him that having a tatrum at the store was un called for and it worked.As far as the biyfriend goes he must understand kids have tatrums im sure his did and still do at times so he has to be more patient and he might want to get involved in helping the tatrums out as well.Hope this helps some

if you put her in her room then she will think her room is only for bad girls. tell her she is not getting her plate and if she continues her behavior she will go into the corner. my son hates the corner! good luck!

A.
Have you thought that maybe your daughter can't express her feelings to you yet? Maybe she doesn't understand what the differences are and that is making her frusterated!! iI would suggest getting a feeling book and reading it every few nights...I would suggest "The way I feel" by Discovery Toys if you are interested I can get you some information on it or go to their web site. It has been a great help to my family!
A.