2.5 Year-old Destroying House

Stop letting him have full run of the house. Make a gated off play area for him and keep him confined there unless you can be right next to him.

How much time does he get with you? One on one time for play, reading, cuddling, etc?

It sounds like he's screaming for his mom to be involved with him.

Teach him by modeling the behaviors you want... Put toys away, etc.

Ummmm - but you DO tolerate this behavior.

Ours is the same age, same description of messiness. He is now made to help clean up. We also limit the amount of toys (see the other thread about rotating toys).

Books I put up on a shelf out of reach.

Throwing ANYTHING is a timeout.

Taking toys from anyone is a timeout.

Your job is to parent - a verb. Tell him no and give consequences.

He is too young to be productive in his play and needs to be directed for some part of the day. You also have to be in the same room as him or be able to see him when you are not helping direct him on what to do. Then he cannot get away with climbing on a chair to get in a pantry. I'd say do one outing every morning and make him get some major exercise. Take him to the pool for a couple hours, take him on a long hike, take him out tricycle riding on a paved trail and to a playground. Then after lunch have a few activities ready. Sit him down to paint with shaving cream. Sit with him in the backyard and fill a water table with sand or corn or whatever and give him trucks to drive in it. Fill up the kiddie pool and get a sprinkler going and sit out there and watch him. Get a giant roll of paper or a giant cardboard box and set it outside and give him some blobs of fingerpaint and some markers to decorate it. My son at that age had so much energy...we had to spend a LOT of time outside, at parks, on trails, in sandboxes. He loved riding his tiny bike with training wheels and his tricycle at that age. I'd take him on LONG walks and he would ride. He loved the indoor mini trampoline (he'd bounce onto the couch over and over) and his hippety-hop. He's just so young...it's hard for him to be good yet. Keep him super busy with things you want him to do. As he gets older he will become more manageable.

Hi J.,

First things first: put away all the toys except a very few. If you can, put as much up in baskets as possible. Let your older son know that you want him to be able to play with his things, and create a place where your older one can do so. This might be the time to use a mounted gate or other obstacle so that your older one has some peace.

All of the books that your little one is destroying: they go in a basket, up where he cannot reach. He can have one book at a time, and as soon as he starts to damage the book, you take it from him. "Books are for looking at, not tearing. You are all done with books. Here is some paper you can tear." Then, give him some paper from the recycling. Keep actively providing reasonable substitutions for his actions whenever possible and put away toys which are being misused.

No warnings on this, J.. I'm guessing he can follow along with rules and expectations at nursery school because you haven't mentioned that being a problem. So, this is about what he IS capable of doing.

AT this age,(when I was leading a toddler group) I would get down just one or two baskets of activities at a time. It is totally worth it to go to the dollar store and get some bins for activities- one for cars, one for action figures, etc. With my group and with my son, it was simple-- when we are done with something, we put it away before the next basket comes down. He will need your help, even hand-over-hand help with picking up items before he can go on to the next thing.

Make clear boundaries and have some fallback options. For instance, if your little one is getting into brother's activity, see if you can set him up with the same activity some distance away. However, if he doesn't leave his brother alone, you need to have a 'choice': "You may play over here or you may sit in (the pack-n-play, the stroller). You show me what you want to do." And then, follow through. I am a big fan of having 'containment devices' for very little kids, and did this with my son many, many times while he was a toddler. I believe that mothers have work to do and our job is NOT to be keeping them able to play at all times; our job is to do our work and teach them that running amok means losing their liberty for a time. Thus, in our home when Kiddo was little and testing limits (LOVED to climb onto the table) I gave just ONE warning "You may do X or you may sit in the stroller" and then followed through. I always gave him something to do-- it wasn't a punishment, it was just where I needed him to be so I could take care of my tasks. I think this is VERY reasonable.

You might also consider that the time out is too short for the problem. I know that we always say 'one minute per year' and frankly, I never used time-outs until my son was three or so. Your problem is that you can't do your jobs as a parent, and this is why I suggest an option which limits him physically. He won't like it, and may even throw a tantrum, but this is the ONLY way he will learn that you mean what you say. He has endless energy to get up and go do the same darn thing over and over, right? You don't. This is a time to put you and your older son first. Everyone has to learn their place within the family, and for your youngest, his place is to play without causing a bunch of trouble, work or fuss for others.

Can you cover the couch with a large blanket, sheet or slipcover? Maybe keeping the cushions out of sight might help him. Otherwise, "cushions stay on the couch or (insert reasonable alternative which works for you here)". Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Lastly, with the 'tons of toys'-- I have found, through much observation, that the MORE toys a child has available, the less they play with them. At his age, he's like a kid in a candy shop and lots of toys are actually overwhelming for children, even older ones. It was very common for me to have families visiting the preschool (prospective enrollment) and their three and a half year old would walk in and move through everything in the room, picking something up for two minutes and then putting it down for the next item that catches their fancy. This is very age-appropriate and super common, which is why I suggest limiting. When children build intention toward "I want do to X" they tend to play with those toys a bit longer.

Make sure, too, that your days have a similar routine and that you pick two or three *really* important areas to work on first, not every little thing. The kids need some room to be kids, and we do need to give them a lot of guidance. Talk with your older boy about also keeping his areas tidy so that little bro doesn't destroy his creations, dump out the legos, etc. Good luck.!

ETA: I agree with 2kidmama's suggestions of vigorous activity and sensory play as well. and find a containment option for him to have some quiet time, even if it's in the pack-n-play with some soft toys. I know other kids this age who didn't need much sleep and it's tough!

You sound really frustrated right now, and I can understand. What came to my mind is that he needs more supervision and more stimulation. I know that is not easy with several children and things to get done around the house. I am simply remembering back to a few years ago when I had a 2 and 4 year old and we had a 3-4 month streak of them just DESTROYING everything. Similar to what you describe...I am talking getting up before dawn and dumping out canisters of sugar, painting couches in butter, painting their room in jam, throwing poop on the ceiling. They just really bounced these GREAT ideas off each other and went to town. We were so exhausted and frustrated. Looking back, it is funny how clear it is that we were not supervising closely enough and not childproofing well enough. My kiddos remember clearly, also, that at that time they were sneaking out of bed at night and drinking the leftovers of my husbands Mountain Dew sodas and getting into Halloween candy, so no wonder they were being so terrible during the day!
So, basically, my suggestions would be to spend some time childproofing as well as you can (locks on the fridge and cupboards, get some gates to block off areas, etc) and at this time keep him in the same room as you or another adult at all times, until he grows out of this stage, which he probably will soon. You could also enlist a teenager or nanny to come help entartain and babysit. Good luck

J.:

I'm sorry - who is the adult here?

He made the mess? He cleans it up!! You are ALLOWING him to do these things. You go around behind him and pick it up....you say you "sternly" tell him "no" and "make" him clean up? But you contradict yourself as well - you state "The house is a mess (total mess) and I'm spending maybe hours a day just pickin up after him."

So clearly - you are NOT making him clean up after himself.

Does he behave this way at pre-school?
If not - then things need to change at home.
If he is behaving this way at school? Then he needs to be evaluated by a doctor.
Does he get ANY one-on-one time with you where you are NOT punishing him?

What would **I** do?
1. Store toys and books. They don't need "tons". They must ask NICELY for the toy they want to play with and if they already have a toy out? Then they need to "return" it. Kinda like borrowing a book at the library.

2. Make him clean up his mess. DO NOT let him do ANYTHING else until his mess is cleaned up. Will he be upset?! HECK YEAH!!! Will it overwhelm him? Most likely. But oh well. HE made the mess.

3. He takes the cushions off the couch? Jack - put the cushion where it belongs on the couch. And YOU? Sorry - you get to sit on the FLOOR - WITHOUT the cushion.

4. Nap time? Fine you don't want to SLEEP - but you MUST have quiet time...NO TV. NO toys.

YOU ARE THE PARENT here. YOU are the one who is supposed to be in control. Why is a 2.5 year old ruling the home?

You aren't seeing results because you aren't being consistent and following through. Let him know the rules. What will happen when he breaks the rules and follow through. EVERY TIME. Once he sees that you are serious? He will start following the rules. As it stands right now - if there are no medical issues - he's doing this BECAUSE HE CAN....BECAUSE YOU ALLOW HIM...

I agree with the other posters. You may not willingly tolerate this behavior but you are in fact tolerating by not properly dealing with it. You have some options (and some can be used in conjunction with the others). A structured daycare/preschool with age appropriate expectations and a schedule will do wonders (especially for his socialization) even if just two days a week. Even with that, you need less chaos at home so you still have to personally dearl with this.

Don't allow him to be throw things all over. Anything he does so with gets taken away. If they are for older siblings, leave them for the older kids to access but without him having access. And as another poster suggested, I too would swat his behind. Don't let him have the books...read to him. Sit with him and look at the books together but don't let him have them just so he can destroy them.

As for no naps...my daughter was never a napper (she gets that from me). Unlike me, she wouldn't even nap when riding in a car. She would lay quietly for daycare (and sometime nap) but didn't do it for me. But, she did at least get quiet time (and unlike others suggested, that should not include a movie/tv). Quiet time can be a nap, it can be resting quietly (can't make them sleep but you can not let them be up and about), it can be sitting with a book, maybe even quite play but it needs to be non-stimulating.

My DD gave up on naps before 3 and even after quiet time, she would just lay there for half an hour. So I hear you there. You can still instill "quiet time" with the TVs off, quiet music, books, color, etc. for everybody.

I would follow him. As soon as he starts to be a tornado, stop him. If he continues, take the thing away. If you can, give the older kids time to play with things he can't. Perhaps let them be outside while he is in or vice versa. It may take time for his behavior to change. If he picks up a book that is not his, take it and put it up high. If he rips a book, tell him no and put him in time out. Let the big kids keep precious things in their rooms. Put baby door handle locks on them.

If the lock you have isn't keeping him out of the cabinet, double up or try a new one.

You don't tolerate the behavior, eh? ;)

What is his consequence when he breaks a rule?
Once you know that you can consistently enforce the rules.

Don't expect him to be the same as the other kids (behavior, motivation, compliance). All kids are different.

List of house rules and consequence for breaking O.. Review it at every meal with him.

At 2.5, he should at least have an hour of down time if he won't nap.
Books, movie, etc IN HIS ROOM for 45 min-1 hour after lunch worked for me.

You've gotten some really good advice here, including Nervy Girl. I want to add to New Name's remarks - your child may actually be sensory seeking with all of this. I would ask the ped to send you to an Occupational Therapist who has a lot of experience with ADHD children and sensory integration problems. Have an evaluation done, and at the very least, have several sessions that will help YOU learn what you can do to help him get what he needs.

I am wondering if it is more of a sensory thing or if he is unable to regulate himself. If that is the case, then you can tell him no all you want to, but he doesn't know how to stop the compulsions that make him do this. I am just wondering if this might be adding to both of your stress. Have they said anything at school?

Send him to Preschool.
He probably needs interaction with other kids, and learning other ways to behave. WITH a Teacher.

Or, make it a routine, daily, to take him OUT of the house.
Go to a park.
Let him run around and get his yah-yah's out.
And get him tired and spent.
And he needs limits.
Being "strict" is not teaching boundaries or rules or how to behave.
It is just a "no" type thing.
And if you don't have any consequences for him or punishments... he will NOT learn anything, nor take you seriously.

Or, sign him up for activities.

Or if he is really out of control, talk to your Pediatrician.

Just curious what feedback you're getting from school? I don't want to scare you, but our son who has ADHD was a whole lot like that at that age. He was extreme, no matter what we did as parents to correct the bad behavior.

If your son does fine at school, ask what they're doing to manage his behavior. If you're getting incident reports and other complaints, keep it all. It can be very helpful down the road in meeting with doctors.

How much time do you spend playing one on one with him? He may be trying to get YOUR attention, not just trying to find something to do because he's bored.

My daughter was a very high energy toddler (and is still a very high energy 6 year old!). Her "bad" behavior was cut to a minimum when I learned to let things around my house go and really let her have my focus. It was amazing!

Does he behave like this at school?
If yes, then maybe he has some underlying issues, talk to his pediatrician.
If no, then he does it simply because he can.
My kids all dropped their naps at two, but they did not destroy the house, and they still had quiet time (laying down, we'd read together, then they would stay in bed, real bed, not a crib, for 30 to 45 minutes or so.)
Even my crazy little ADHD girl did not act like this, and I never really used time outs.
But my kids were usually busy, and when not playing, often engaged with what I was doing, which helped a lot (cooking, gardening, housework, etc.)
Maybe you just simply need to get him more involved with what YOU are doing?

My kids are 10, 8 and 6...they still take quiet time. If they don't want to sleep, that's fine...but we all get a break during the day if needed.

Your son should not have access to the whole house if he is doing that. You should also get rid of any of his toys that he leaves out (temporarily) until he learns to pick up.

Stay on top of him...he takes a toy out, he puts it away.

He takes the cushions off of the couch, he doesn't get to sit on the furniture.

He doesn't listen, time out.

You have gotten good advice here, I hope some of it works for you.

Sit down and put him in your lap. Sit there and watch TV, watch a movie, take a break.

He should still be laying down for quiet time. If he goes to pre-K in a year he'll have to lay down to take a nap.

Other than that you should find a Mother's Day Out program so he can be mentally engaged and entertained. He is obviously bored out of his gourd...lol.

He needs the structure of a classroom so he can settle down. Many MDO programs are half day, or from 10am-3pm. These programs are a good thing. I always made my appointments on the days the kids would be there. It was so nice to go to the OB/GYN and not have an audience.

Yeah I have 3 kids it's been pretty much the same around here. We have clean up at the end of the day. During the day our house is a fun, lived in house. I don't spend the day punishing and yelling - who likes that?

My kids are 4 n 7 and sadly it is similar. It sucks.