21 Month Old Discipline

hi shannon; i have a nearly 3 yr old who scratches sometimes and a 15 month old who does a lot of face hitting and scratching. to me it sounds like you are doing the best you can; kindly and consistently reinforcing No without making a federal case out of it. these things pass. it takes the kids a long time to understand that they can't do this and also to develop impulse control. that's all it's about. you'll get there.

J.

Time outs should never be used on children younger than 2. Futile.

Firmly say No scratching! Then give him something he should do. "No scratching, give kisses instead." Then he'll kiss you, you praise him, and all is well. It will tae a little while because of the developmental stage he is in but it will stop.

I agree with putting him in his crib. I usually did this for the child's own protection if I was almost to the point of losing my patience. This benefits you more than improving his behavioir.

Keep in mind that he is only 1 and still new to this world.

A.

Just stop- Stop everything, stop talking, stop the music, just leave him be as much as you can while keeping him safe. Ignore him and his action as much as you can. No eye contact, no talking thats it. If he is coming after you just put him down, maybe in the middle of the room or his crib is great. Just give him decompression time. Its not a punishment its a learning curve. When he is calmer tell him "we use nice touches" and help him stroke your face, then give hugs and its done. Good luck!

Words, all you really need to give him is words....label everything from emotions to objects and then time and patience. He isn't being "bad" he's communicating that he's unhappy and he'S. little ball of emotion. Just keep labeling and taking deep breaths and teach him how to take a deep breath as well. I'm right there with you, my son is 21months as well(he's my 5th) and if he's really in a tizzy I put him in the pack-n-play until he is calm but it sounds to me that you are doing the right thing it just takes time! Goodluck!

Time outs do work. And he is old enough to do it. I started my son on time outs at 18 mos. You just have to keep putting him back in the time out spot until he stays there. I once put my son back on the "naughty stair" for 45 mins until he stayed there. After 45 mins he stayed. For 2 mins. Yes if he had only stayed there from the beginning it wouldn't have taken so much time. But it is a test of wills, you just have to make yours stronger then his. Eventually he will figure out that mommy's not kidding and my butt is going to stay here so he'll stop getting up. Just keep putting him back and explaining to him that this is where he'll sit for time out. If you move it starts over. Also, there is a book out there called "No Hitting" by Karen Katz. My son knew that if we were getting the book he was in trouble. She has several along those lines. But seriuosly the time outs will work if you keep at it. Keep putting him back until he stays. Then the next time it will be less of a fight and he will eventually stay there without getting up. He may fight it but he'll stay.

you mention it seems to be frustration-- how are his verbal skills for people to understand him? is there a way to give him more words so that it doesn't reach the frustration point as often? We used some baby sign in our house.. not the "real ones" but ones that those whodelt most often with our kids coudl figure out to help with the frustration. Just a thought

It sounds like you're doing everything kind and generous! :-) I take a similar approach as you - when my 19 month old gets overstimulated, I take her out of the situation. Sometimes it's catching her hand and saying, firmly, "No hitting Mommy!". Sometimes, it's sort of wrapping her in a body hold, putting my mouth right next to her ear and talking very quietly about how we can't hit, and then asking her if she understands. The quiet voice makes her calm down and listen (ha!) to what I'm saying. Sometimes, it'S. time out in the crib with the explanation that I will come back and get her as soon as she can stop crying and she can call for me.

For a while, she was having "time outs" in a corner - sitting in a corner when she did something naughty, and she wasn't allowed to get up until the buzzer (30 seconds) went off. This was only REALLY effective if she could see something she wanted...but couldn't reach. (Being able to get that thing afterwards usually calmed her down faster than anything else!) Singing also helps, right in her ear.

I have a 21 month old too and haven't found one thing that works every day, everyday is different. Her behavior depends a lot on mine and my husbands. Also on is she hungry, tired, hot, etc. I try to figure out if there is a bigger problem and remove her from the current situation. I would caution you to be careful about putting the child in his bed. Bed should be a sleepy place that he loves not a mode of punishment or he may start to see bed time as punishment and not something fun that we do every night because we need too. Good luck!!!! A.

The redirection and modified quiet time (we call it comfort time) are great steps in the right direction!

Here were the steps I used when my school-age children were your son's age:

1. State request calmly, but firmly.
2. Re-state request. (Kids that age have short attentions spans, plus they're still learning language.)
3. Offer help.
4. Help (whether child verbalizes a need for it or not; they often are so frustrated, they forget their words/communication skills.)
5. Bear hug (scoop up & hug your child from behind - this both comforts the child and restrains him if he's very angry/upset.)

In your case, I'd probably skip steps 2 & 3, simply because of the seriousness of his actions. Keep in mind, too, that the whole idea of discipline is "discipling" or teaching, so it could take months of you consistently telling your son, "No scratching." and redirecting before he's able to control his scratching impulse himself.

Also, I use the HALT acronym: I ask myself if my child(ren) is/are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. If it's any one of those, then I realize that's the underlying issue and fix it (feed them, find out why they're angry, spend cuddle time so they're not lonely or rest together when they're tired). You seem to already do this with your son's quiet time in his crib. The only other thing I'd add to that is perhaps occasional cuddle time in Mommy's room w/the lights out so there's no stimulation, but he does have the comfort of Mommy's presence & soothing voice.

Really, it sounds like you're doing a great job! Motherhood is a lot of repetition; there really are no quick fixes. :o)

Dear Shannon,

My son is 21 months old too, and we're dealing with the exact same issues! (Well, not scratching and hair pulling, but a sudden onslaught of yelling, tantrums, and hitting.)

I don't have all the answers, and I'm sort of figuring it out as I go along, but I will share a couple of things that seem to be working for us, at least most of the time.

The thing that works best for us is the word "mad." When my son hits or yells, I say, "Noah, are you mad?" He'll then usually say "maaaa" and calm right down; it's like he's found something that's just as powerful as yelling and hitting. Every time he says "mad," I give him a lot of empathy and try to voice what's frustrating "oh, I understand, you're mad because your banana is all gone. It's okay to be mad, but we don't hit." Sometimes he'll even say "mad" all by himself, without hitting and without my suggesting it, and I consider that a successfully avoided tantrum.

The other thing, which I've just started trying, is choices. Last night, I said, "Noah, you have a choice. If you want to be with grownups, you can sit at the table with us. If you want to run around and play, you can run around and play by yourself." I don't know if that'll work long-term, but it did last night.

And when all else fails, I do what you do -- quiet time in his room with soothing music. I'm so glad you don't do traditional time-outs and that you don't construct quiet time as a punishment; 21 months is still mostly a baby, after all.

If you don't mind, please contact me if you find any other solutions you really like. I think we're in the exact same boat!

All the best,

Mira

Trying to head off the frustration can be difficult, but is worth it in the long run. I always try to "label" everything in the hope that he will learn the name so he can tell me what he wants. I also try to prevent a situation from spiraling out of control. I applaud you for removing him so he can calm down. You are right he isn't ready for time outs yet, introducuing it is fine but he will not be able to sit by himself for a little while.

Good Luck!

Shannon,
sounds like you are on the right track of trying to break a nuasty habit. here is a suggestion to go along with your modified time out, take his hands and tell him hands are for loving and physically show him how to rub your face, also use your hands to rub his face to let him know how nice it feels. add to this what hands are for (high 5's, clapping, rubbing, etc.) ihave used this with all 5 of my children, including my 1 year old and i was also taught this method from a parenting class i took when my almost 6 year old was about 9 months and i could not figure out any discipline technique that would work and i was beside myself. i have a degree in early childhood education and could not make anything work with my own child, it was very frustrating.

good luck to you

E.

Shannon,

When my oldest was about 18 months old, he began having a problem with outlets/plugs. He had gotten shocked twice and it STILL didn't make him stop touching them. We would tell him "No!", try redirecting, time outs,tapping his hand while saying "No!", etc. and nothing worked. I was really scared that the next time he was going to get seriously hurt!

Someone told me about flicking. When my son would go to touch a plug, I would flick the top of his hand one time. It was just enough to get his attention...I wasn't aiming to leave a mark. Within a week, he stopped touching plugs and outlets!!

The good thing about doing it when he is pulling your hair is that you might be able to do it without him seeing that it is you doing it. Then he will certainly associate the hair pulling with a feeling he doesn't like.

HTH,
L.