2 Year Old That Hits

T., How well does he talk? You can give him the words to express his anger. Show him "I'm Mad!" "Toy broke!" "I want that toy." Once you've got him talking a little try to get the actions and words more positive. "I don't like it when my toy breaks." "I want that toy, please." If they have the words to use, even if they can't say them all, they'll be less frustrated. We show them how to brush their teeth and put on a shirt, we have to show them how to express themselves.

Good Luck, M.

I haven't read them, but I have heard good things about the books "Hands are not for Hitting" and "Teeth are not for Biting"
My daughter at age 2 was a biter! During a time-out for biting her older sister, I lavished attention on her sister and her arm where she got bit. Gave her an icepack, gave her lots of hugs and kisses right in front of the "stinker" in time-out. When her time-out was done she wanted an icepack too. I said no - she wasn't hurt - so she bit herself in the hand and asked again for an icepack!! No, she didn't get one for biting herself but once she felt the pain of the bite she stopped biting others.

When my kids were little, and wanted to kick a wall or throw something - I don't recall them hitting each other much, but I told them to go to their room and punch their pillow or mattress as hard as they wanted for as long as they wanted. I remember a few times that they did that, just whaling on their bed, beating their fists on the mattress as hard as they could. They'd blow off the steam and feel better.

T., your two year old sounds like mine. i have literally watched the fury build up on his face and knew for a fact he was about to lash out. i don't really have any good advice, my son did this more when he was about 18 months old or so, and with redirection and distraction he kind of grew out of it. now we are on to time outs, which work pretty well. he will actually tell me, "mommy i don't want to go to time out!", because he knows he's misbehaved. if your son is verbal enough, i would suggest starting him on apologizing. we have started, when he is mad and has to have a time out because of hitting or whatever, but also normal "woops, sorry" type of settings - bumping into someone, etc. he is getting used to using the word when he's not already mad and feeling rebellious, so i hope that soon he'll do it when he's mad too. (everything is "NO" as you know, when they're mad, so it's taking longer). i hope that in time he'll figure out what "i'm sorry" really means, because i always explain it to him. it's trying to get them to understand they're hurting someone, and a two year old just has a hard time feeling empathy. good luck. two year olds are wonderful, and exhausting!

Been there done that...you need to work with him and teach him how to express his anger. This is usually a step they work on with kids once they hit Pre-school age but I think it really needs to be integrated earlier. When your son is calm sit down with him and talk about his anger. Let him know that you too get angry, and what you do to cool down without hitting people. Examples could be just counting slowly to 5, removing himself from the situation and sitting by himself for a minute or two and practice some deep breathing, or have him pretend he's blowing up a balloon...the mere effort of the breathing refocus' what he was angry about and does essentially the same thing as deep breathing (sometimes easier for youngsters to wrap their heads around). Another trick I've heard of is making them a special box...something to give them when they get upset (for any reason...mad, sad, whatever) and put some comfort things in it...their pacifier, a picture of you & him, a small toy, a balloon, a soft piece of fabric, a swatch of fabric that has your smell/perfume on it, a small book, a coloring book and crayons...something that he could sit in a corner with for say 5 minutes and take his mind off whatever it was that caused the pressure cooker situation. The box could just be an old lunchbox but something that you don't give him everyday...just on special occasions when he would need calming down. And change out some of the stuff if you find it's no longer having the same effectiveness (essentially keep it fresh).

Also, get him to start using his words. He needs to be able to look at someone and say, "Hey, you're making me mad/angry. Please stop _________(whatever they are doing)" And to be big enough that if the kid is not doing what he asks, to walk away and tell someone. On the other hand, if he is being the bully and instigating it he may just need to be given a wider berth at playtime and told that if he can't get along with the other kids he won't be allowed to play with the other kids...in essence, sort of leave him in a time out area...that he can have a toy and play with it only in that corner...have them/day care have the kids leave him alone for awhile...see if it works...

From my experience...most of it is just the age. It's really hard at 2 for them to express themselves in how they feel and NO ONE at that age is particularly apt to want to share... remember it's the toddler laws for a reason...if I see it it's mine...etc. Another thing that I found helps with the more agressive kids is to get him into some sort of physical activity...swimming, tae-kwan-do, itty bitty, gymnastics, soccer/basketball...anything just to burn up that extra energy and frustration.

Carrie, I have raised 3 kids and been care taker to many more. I think there comes a time when you have to stand back and take a look at your child through the eyes of other parents and children. When he hits and kicks, it hurts. He is inflicting pain on other children and it hurts!! While we as parents try to find a way to teach our children that somethng they are doing is wrong, the other people are suffering.

He needs to understand that striking a child hurts!! Sometimes that can only be taught through experience. In my home, my children were taught to express love to their siblings. When they did strike one another there was no trial and error on the most effective way to instruct them. hitting someone, kicking someone or biting someone resulted in pain and the child inflicting that pain recieved an indication of what that pain felt like.

It was a teaching tool, and they were taught that when they hurt people they could expect it each and every time. It worked!! I feel sorry for the children that are getting hurt. He needs to understand how they feel. I know that peole say that physical punishment just increases this type of behavior. I have raised 3 decent peopel and not one of them is violent, in fact they are all very empathetic, understanding the pain of others.

Even our military uses force when needed to get a point across. It is a part of life and even used by nature. A bee teaches our children, dont touch me, I will sting you. It is a physical consequence for an action that they learn will cause pain. Gravity itself allows us to feel pain when we break the laws of gravity. Jump into the air off of a roof and you will fall to the ground, and it will hurt. It teaches us a lesson. Touch a hot stove and it will hurt, it teaches us a lesson. Drive a hundred miles an hour on wet pavement and you will have an accident, it will hurt, it teaches us a lesson.

When he inflicts pain on another child, you have a duty to that other child and to your own. Teach him that inflecting pain, hurts. Teach him that if he hurts another child he will get hurt. It wont take long before he has learned, just as he would learn not to touch a bee, a hot stove, or jump off of a roof. You will not cause him to be violent any more than the bee or the stove.

For those who would disagree with me, disagree all you will. I stand firm. I can point to as many books, articles and studies as you can. I can also point to whole generation that survived that type of discipline and is the better for it. Done in love, not brutality, it conveys the appropriate message. I would recommend, Dr. Dobsons books on child rearing.

I'm sorry to hear you are having this trouble. I am sure you are going to get a lot of specific advice on this website. My only advice is because this is also happening at day care, ask the staff there. First of all, this is not the first 2 year old that has exhibited these traits. They have strategies for dealing with this kind of behavior. Also, if you and day care are dealing with it in the same way, it will make a bigger impact on your son and it will be consistent.
Good luck!

if you can see his anger building up to where you know a hit is coming then you are right to detour his mind to something else. I am surprised the daycare isn't doing this as this is what we do a lot when we have aggressive kids at school. Sometimes the hits come out of the blue but most of the time can be avoided if someone notices the kid is getting agitated and moves them to something else quickly and has a talk about controlling their actions and praise him at how well he does when you notice him controlling it himself. It may help to talk to him about his feelings and when he starts to feel that way to remind him to find another area to play in or get away from the situation. It is tough for a 2 year old but if he gets reminded often about how to react to situations eventually he will get it. But caregivers removing him from situations before it escalates to hitting is a key part and he may not get timeout so often if it is caught early enough where he can recognize what works to calm him down.

I wish I could help you, but my 3 yr old is the same way! He is going to start preschool soon and I thought that would help but if yours goes and fights then I don't know? Does he grit his teeth before striking? My son does. Does he hit you? Let me know if you get any good answers okay?
Thanks P.

My son did the same thing at that age. I tried everything! But the only thing that worked is this (i believe I read it in the book "Children the Challenge" by a psychologist): When your son starts to hit you or anyone else, go up to him and say with a smile on your face and an excited, happy voice, "Oh! You want to play the hitting game!!" And then kind of slap him hard enough to where it hurts and not on his face of course, but maybe on the arm. At first he'll kind of look at you either mad or surprised. If he continues to hit you, say it again and slap his arm a little harder. Eventually he'll decide he does NOT want to play the "hitting game",and that it's not that much fun. I did this maybe 2-3 different times to my son and he stopped completely. The difference between this and hitting your son back in anger to "teach him a lesson" is that you have a smile on your face and say that it's a game. Again, he WILL decide he does not like the game. I know it sounds strange, but it worked for me and for my sister and her child as well. But be sure to say it in a cheerful voice. Otherwise, he'll just get mad and continue to hit. Let me know if it works! Another mom on this site saw my advice, tried it with her daughter and it worked like a charm.

When my son was in daycare many years ago, they had a standup inflatable clown that they directed children to when they were experiencing the same behavior your son is. It's worth a try - it seemed to work really well.

Good Morning T.. First I salute you for your chosen career. God Bless and Keep you safe always.
We kind of have the same problem with one of our gr son's. Well two actually, they are 3 & 4 yo cousins. They are both in preschool 4 yo goes every day half day where his older sib's attend school. Younger one stays with me during the day and attends twice a wk half day.

The older will say Leave me Lone I don't like you! and shove, then fold his arms and put on a frown mean face. ( he is smaller of the two) Or say I hate you etc.. Which gets him in Big Trouble with Nana. He doesn't behave this way at school.

The younger will either cry or come tell me A. is being mean Nana.

C has been in trouble at preschool for pushing, helping kids down the slide faster then necessary, throwing blocks or gravel on the playground. Once he laid on top of one of his friends cause they wouldn't share.. ;) I know its not funny but I get tickled once in a while thinking of kids anntics

When C does get mad his language gets very harsh ( mimics dad) :( then he purposely does something he knows he shouldn't.
I have given him a body Pillow to either hit or throw in the play room when he gets mad. That is the only place he can do this. At first he wouldn't do it. I told him he could NOT hit or Kick family, friends or animals. He could hit the pillow all he wanted if he was angry. After a few times he would start laughing and say this is fun Nana. Then I would tell him good. Lets go play. Now every once in a while he will come and tell me he is mad or sad and ask to hit the pillow until he feels better. I know it sounds silly, but so far it is working. Here at least. It's like he has his own punching bag, and he can get out his frustrations on that and not get hurt or hurt anyone else.

We all know kids will hit and kick, it's part of the species. Some even bite. My best friends son would bite our oldest son, they were three wks apart in age. She finally bit him back to show him how it felt. He never bit again. But our son started biting his own arms. grrrrrrrr for a few months anyway. That was 34 yrs ago.

How about a body pillow for your little guy, or some kind of Taekwondo class's for little guys?
I hope you get some other great advice from Mama's here as I will keep reading and trying others things also. Have to keep them in check at school too.

God Bless and thank you again for serving our Great Country.
K. Nana of 5
PS the younger does lose privileges at home when he gets in trouble at school. No Movies or DVDs until he has good days all day at school.

I work in childcare and we usually try to teach the toddlers a short, simple word or phrase they can use when they are angry. Depending on his vocabulary skills, you could teach him to say, "I don't like it" when he is mad. He can tell this to the other child that is making him angry. It may take a while and lots of repetition for him to get the hang of it, and someone would have to be right there and remind him as soon as an incident happens. And, it's perfectly fine if it doesn't sound like what he is trying to say. As long as he tries to say part if it and he know s what he is trying to say, it may help. Or, you could think of a one or two work phrase instead that may be easier for him to say.

Also, keep in mind as he gets older, that you want to relay the message that it's OK to be mad, angry, upset, etc. but not ok to hit, hurt others. You can even teach this now by saying to him BEFORE he hits, "I can see you are angry, use your words and tell him/her 'I don't like it' ." Validating their feelings can help young children work through them. Use words like happy, sad, angry, afraid, excited, scared, etc. The more he gets these words into his vocabulary, the better he can work through his feelings.

Best wishes!