2-Year Old with Hitting Problem

Hello. I worked in a 2 year old room for 4 years! If time outs didn't work we would sit them down and provide them with a ball to squish or a pillow to hit. At this age they know they are frustrated but they don't know how to handle the feeling. We have to teach them to use words. So, provide her with a pillow to hit and talk to her about how it is not ok to hit. Tell her that if she is mad/frustrated to tell you "I'm mad" or "I don't like it". You have to provide her with the proper words. It will take time. But if you always have a pillow around or if you are out just reminder her that we don't hit and keep providing her with the correct words. Hopeully this helps. I know it sounds like she is getting off easy. But you can also have her sit while you talk to her and make sure she is looking at you when you talk to her, even if you have to make a tunnel from her eyes to yours with your hands (you don't actually touch her). I wish you luck :)

not sure exactly what you mean by saying timeouts don't work. does she immediately get up and start hitting again? does it not seem to "bother" her? i would say keep at the time outs...there's not much else you can do because obviously, hitting a child who hits isn't going to teach them not to. make sure you show her how disappointed you are, take her hand (the hand that hit, is what i do), and lead her to the time out spot...explain "we don't hit. period. you will have timeout because you hit." and make her sit there. if she's hollering or making a rucus, ignore it. if she acts like she doesn't care, i bet she does. sit her there for the entire time out then go to her, get on her level, tell her again, "you were in timeout because we don't hit. that hurts mommy, you need to apologize." look very sad and hurt, if she doesn't seem to get it. get her to apologize, hug/kiss, and then show her how that makes you feel sooo much better, and mommy is happy again. that's how we do it, and my son seems to be learning compassion and what it is to hurt someone, physically or their feelings. i am hoping that he's learning to be responsible for how he treats people by understanding that it's not okay to hurt others. good luck, hope it gets better!

Hello!

I do time-outs with my son, too. When possible, I would take his offending limb (arm, hand, leg, foot), get down to his level, look him in the eye steadily, and tell him "no" in a firm, quiet voice. I'd keep looking at him until he looked away, welled up with tears, or said, "I'm sorry, mommy." He generally doesn't do the offending action again. At least that day.

These little children have to be trained, thats what training up a child is all about, it up to the parent to shape this little life into a healthy grown up. She needs guidance in how to handle her anger. I agree with taking her firmly by the offending arm and telling her that is not acceptable behavior and give her time out, make her stay there until she is ready to say she is sorry and the anger is gone. If she continues to hit, then I would be more firm with the hold on the arm, and repeat timeout, with these instuctions when her time out is over, if you hit anyone or anything again today you will get a hard swat on the bottom. Then you have to be firm, even if its a tiny little tap in anger, (this is a test to see if you mean what you say) you need to complete this until you win, everyday until she stops this behavior. When it gets to the swatting stage and it will, there is not longer timeouts, as soon as she hits you immediatly give her a swat and with each offense the swat gets harder until she don't want the swat any more, if she has a diaper on they swat will have to be FIRM for her to feel it. This is not a thing they will grow out of she will only continue to respond to anger in this way and will get more aggressive as she ages. Its up to you to train her in a right direction.
These children we see that behave badly its not the childs fault its the parents that haven't trained the child not to act that way. Its like any habit you are trying to teach you child like manners, it has to be repeated until it becomes the right habit you desire and it always for there best. when they are older they can honor the mom & dad that has given them the correct training as a child. My granddaughter is 12 and the thing she tells about some of the kids in her class is awful, and its because they have not been trained any different and were allowed to act out when they were little, I know some of these kids and its sad to think they have gotten to be 12 years old and now its going to be a real chore to get this habit broken.
I hope this helps you L..

When she hits you, hit her back. I'm not suggesting that you double up your fist and punch her or beat the heck out of her, simply hit her back with about the same force she hit you. That is exactly what will happen when she hits some other kid. More than likely, that kid will hit her back even harder. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. The first time my 2 year old slapped me out of anger, I asked her why she did it, explainging that I didn't hit her. I left it at that. The next time I hit her back. She was shocked because I'd never hit her before (at least not on purpose) and I asked her how she liked it. She said "no, Mama." I told her that I didn't like it either, that nobody wants to be hit and if she didn't want me to hit her that she'd better not hit me. So far, so good. She hasn't slapped me again. Hopefully it'll go that easy with you. Good luck.

Yes, children need our guidance and our discipline, but we parents need quite a lot of guidance and discipline in order to develop effective skills for guiding children.

At this age, children need to be kept very near, not only to keep them safe, but to catch new experiments in behaviors so you can guide them to learn how to accomplish what they need to accomplish in the most healthy and effective way. The more they are allowed to continue with something like hitting, the more difficult it is to teach them other ways to respond. If this is the only response she can think of, it will continue to be the response of choice until she learns that she has options. So, first, we need to understand just what anger and frustration really are. These emotions begin with the sensation that something is unacceptable and needs to change. If we do not understand how to make it change, the feeling of frustration ensues. If we are not able or willing to cope with the frustration, it can rise to the level of anger and rage. Your daughter is probably just experimenting with hitting as a problem solving technique. I say probably because some people develop a neurological reflex that creates compulsive behaviors. These conditions do not respond to either guidance or discipline.

The trick is to catch the hitting as quickly as possible. See if you can get your daughter to communicate what is frustrating her and try to understand what she wants to happen. As soon as you understand what she is trying to do, you can help her understand how to use her own skills to resolve her issue or use her words to get the help she needs. I see these situations as teachable moments, as Linda Popov describes them in The Family Virtues Guide. I like to take the offending hand gently in my own hand and say something like, "I wonder what noble things this hand will do." Then I try to determine what the child's issue is and suggest how they can use words and how they can trust his/her self to find a dignified solution. If a person understands they have power to make things change, they feel empowered and focussed instead of frustrated.

Keep in mind, however, that all of this requires a parent that is willing to understand and can take the time to guide the child. Time outs only tell the child that you do not like the tool they are using to solve their issue. It does not teach her/him how to employ other tools, such as effective language skills. Two year olds need constant guidance. That does not mean they need someone controlling their every move. They need someone watching them discover a challenge and then helping them discover their own ability to meet and conquer the challenge. A parent who understands virtue education know how to help the child know when to use persistence and when to use patience, when to use creativity and when to use obedience, etc. I am repeatedly recommending Linda Popov's book and the CDs of talks by her and Dr. Dan Popov. They can be found at www.VirtuesProject.com.

Hope this is helpful. My two year old is now 23. The times I needed more guidance as a parent were when he was 2, when he was 11, and when he was 18. I know I learned more raising my son than he ever learned from me!

Hi L.-
My 2 1/2 y/o son went through the same thing and he still does it occasionally when he gets frustrated and/or tired. We do the timeouts, and I agree with you, it sure seemed like he didn't mind it, he's sit in his chair in the corner and sing and play with his socks and shoes and just generally amuse himself. But gradually it has started to sink in and he's getting better for the most part. I usually don't talk much to him when he does it, he knows he's doing wrong, I'll just immediately grab him and put him in the chair and walk away and let him sit there for a couple minutes. When I go get him, I make him say "I'm sorry" to whomever he hit, and then I don't usually hug and kiss him, just make it like that's expected, just let him down and back to playing. I don't know what's better, talking with them or not. I read a book that said the more you talk at them, the more it bugs them and makes them madder and more frustrated. But I don't know if one way is better than another, just see what works best for your daughter. Best of luck, just stick with it, as they say, "this too shall pass"!!