2-3 Yr Old in Need of Attitude Adjustment.

John Rosemond has a book that's worth its weight in gold called Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. He explains why they act the way they do, and what to do about it to have well behaved children. Good luck!

Time out lasts one minute per year of the child's life. For a two year old time out is two minutes, 3 minutes for a three year old, etc. I don't want my children to tell me what I want to hear. I want them to tell me the truth, even if it isn't what I want to hear.

I think you're doing the right thing. As you said, if he can answer yes and no correctly when he wants something and understands what "no, don't do that" means; then he understands what the two words mean. I think you're doing fine (and in my opinion) the grandmother needs to but out.

Bless your Fuzzy little heart.

So, a lot going on in everyone's life right now, a lot of stress. As I am sure you know, children are not stupid & pick up on the "vibes" even if they dont understand the details.

This age, too, it is especially hard as we know they understand a lot, but emotionally they are not programed to retain it all that well. Patience is the key word here.

I found this book to be an invaluable resource for me (mine are almost 4 & 6) Get it from the library:

How to behave so your Pre schooler will too, by Sal Severe

It's an easy read, you don't have to read the whole thing to get something from it. I found it helpful in simply tweaking MY parenting techniques to where I was seeing positive results in just a few days.

A three year old does not have the self control to not do something again. With this age there is a lot of repetition & reminding of things. It is a very challenging time for you, as a parent.

The book is a good guide in helping us parents communicate better with our children. It is hard to know exactly what they do and don't "get" at this age. Consistency, patience, and a calm quiet voice are your BEST & MOST EFFECTIVE allies. Remember that hey are not doing it to drive you crazy (that's just a by-product - ha ha), they are trying to make sense of their world as it unfolds.

Even observing some of those Nanny shows can be helpful if you have the time. You get to see different techniques put into action & see how they work.

Maintaining your composure & consistency in your technique will pay off. Observe other parents & take mental notes.

And good for you for posting! We are all parents. Hang in there, take a lot of deep breaths, highlight all the positive things during this time of hardship.

P. : )

Kudos to you Dad! Don't give up. You are obviously a very caring and patient dad. You've already gotten some good advice so I'll just add this: read 1-2-3 Magic. It will work. It might not work right away, but it WILL work.

Good luck to you!

As far as the whole "yes/no" and understanding question goes... my younger son just turned 3, and he seems to have problems in this area -- not precisely like you described, but similar. For instance, this morning we were cleaning up outside, and he went to the door (which he couldn't open) and said, "I want to go in." I couldn't stop what I was doing right then, but when I went to the door and asked him, "Do you want to go inside?" He said, "no," so I closed the door. Then after I had walked away again, he went up to the door and tried to open it again and asked to go in again. So I asked him, "Do you want to go inside?" and he said "no" *again*, while walking towards the door. Since he had said "no," I shut the door, and he started to cry and try to open the door again. So, obviously, we were having a failure of communication. I don't know if that's because he doesn't know "inside" means "in the house" or what. But one of his favorite words is "no" -- he'll say it a lot of the time even when he means "yes" -- I mean, I'll ask him if he wants a drink, and he'll say "no" **while reaching for the cup, or bringing the cup to his mouth**! Yeah, we have a little work to do!

It sounds like your little guy needs some instruction in that area, but I wouldn't sweat it too bad -- just try to explain it to him what he's *supposed* to do, and it'll click... eventually... :-)

God bless you for taking on 'ready-made' fatherhood -- and for having the nerve to ask a bunch of women what to do!

And he understands all right! He even understands that he can play you and great-grandma against each other -- and he's doing it!

Too many bosses in a child's life are very detrimental to his/her well-being, so someone has to be the 'ultimate' authority! It sounds as if living with the wife's grandmother is the biggest problem here. It's her house and she's used to 'ruling the roost'; plus I assume she's been in the child's life longer than you have (and is related 'by blood'), but it's YOUR family and it is not her place to usurp your authority over it.

I think your wife needs to stand by you on this and tell 'granny' gently but firmly that you and she (your wife) are the boy's parents, and even if Grandma doesn't agree with your methods and strategy, parenting -- including discipline -- is your job, not hers.

P.S. I'd recommend listening to this week's (Wed-Fri.) Focus on the Family broadcasts via internet @: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001808.cfm

In a nutshell, no, I don't think you are being too hard. It must be hard living with your wife's relatives - that would be hard on just about anyone! I agree with you that your son is old enough to understand yes and no (and I just finished a year of teaching 2-3 year olds in preschool, so hopefully I know.) The main thing here is to remain calm (difficult, I know!) while you are talking to him, and also while receiving "criticism" from your wife's grandmother. By the way, how does your wife weigh in on all this? Hopefully, you two can present a united front on this discipline thing.

I know there are some good books on parenting strong-willed children. Maybe one of the other moms can recommend one.

Developmentally, at this age, language skills are ahead of actual impulse control. They know enough to say what they think they should, or to just say how they feel in the moment, but they do not have impulse control to leave time out and not do it again. To imprint what he isn't to do, it is more effective to put him back into a short time out each time, and not ask if he will do it again. Just tell him why he's in time out and release him. Should only be a couple of minutes. Since Grandma is present, you need to have a separate chat with her so you are both on the same page. It isn't good for such young children to see arguing about how to raise them.
He is your child, but she probably has a lot of experience and needs to feel she has some input. Talk with her privately, listen to what she believes, explain to her why you want to do it differently, and expect her cooperation.

It sounds like grandma has been a little to lienient (sp) on the little one...you're doing a great job. Consistency is ALWAYS the best policy. Kids know right from wrong the moment you start teaching them. My three were about 10 months old when they learned "no." Usually because they were reaching for something that would hurt them or that they just didn't need to play with. Even a pat on the hand was enough to finally get through to them. They tested every chance they got but we had to be consistent. Stick to your guns, even though it will be a tough fight, and the child will be a better adult for it.

Hello, J.,

Mom of 3 here. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Children as soon as two can comprehend when they have done something wrong or if they are told no.
Grandma clearly does not recall knowing her children so well that she was able to tell them something and expect them to listen at such an age as your sons, but TRUST me she was able and in all probability did reprimand them when they disobeyed.
When my son was 2 1/2 I was saying things to people like "he's never going to learn how to act if he is not taught" Because trust me, my son KNEW at 2 1/2 when he was doing something that he should not, and knew what he was saying when asked if he was going to do it again.
I think that people that believe their kids are too young to know at those ages, haven't really learned their kids.
I KNOW I KNOW, Proceed with the pelting ladies!

B.

PS~ I applaud you for being such a hands on Dad, ESPECIALLY at such an age as yours. You ROCK!!

I think you and the grandma are both right, to a certain extent. You are correct that he understands "yes and no", but as other moms pointed out, he could just be telling you what you want to hear. My question is, do you also try and explain to him WHY it is wrong and why you do not want him to do it again? (i am assuming that you do) I agree with Kerri, that giving him an example of what IS acceptable is also a good idea. Also, if he tells you no he won't do it again - does he go ahead and do it later? That would obviously indicate that although he may understand what he is telling you, he doesn't mean it.
It sounds to me like you are doing a very good job and are being very responsible and consciences. Do you and your wife argue about this? If not, then you should just ignore the grandma the best you can - just smile and nod and go on you way. And good luck with the job situation.

J., it sounds to me like you are a great dad and really care about making your son mind, unlike alot of parents these days who let their children run crazy. One thing that I have always heard is that you should do time out only as long as the child is old. So, if he's 2, 2 minutes. At that point, discuss with him why he was put in time out and then let him go about his business. If he repeats the problem that got him into trouble then immediately place him back in time out. The biggest thing with kids is following through.

I think you are right about putting him in time out, but I think making him say 'no' before coming out is going a little too far. The time out itself is the punishment, and after the punishment life should return to normal. We have been using a system called 1-2-3 Magic, and its great. Its what teachers, etc. use. You can rent the DVD or book at the library or get it at a bookstore. I think it would work well for you all because the whole family can follow the same rules. You could pop in the DVD and ask everyone to watch it together, afterwards you could ask if everyone what they thought about it and if everyone could agree to use these rules. The DVD can persuage everyone to the importance of consistent disicpline so you dont have to. I think it would cut down on tension in your house and get everyone on the same page.

My daughter is only 7 months old, so I can't really comment from experience on your discipline style. I justed wanted to say that Dads can have a 'Mother's Intuition' too. My wonderful husband has it too. And it shoulds like you have that intuition and you know what is best for your child. You have a discipline plan and staying with a plan is a good thing. Keep up the good work and Good Luck with everything.

From my own children, I have seen that children in that age range understand when you are asking a yes or no question, but they do not always comprehend what they are agreeing or disagreeing with, if that makes sense. A very wise teacher once told me that the less you use "no", and the more specific you are with your disciplining, the more your children will understand what is expected and comply. When you state things in terms of "no" you are not helping them understand the full picture of what your expectations (boundaries) are.

As far as his temper goes, a lot of that type of behavior is learned from watching the people in his life. If he sees mostly good behavior (i.e. proper expressions of anger, frustration, etc.), he will follow those examples. But at 2-3 years old, you can still expect to see a good bit of age related tantrums. As long as you and other family members continue to set a good example and consistently apply consequences (such as time outs) when he is inappropriately expressing frustration, he will eventually grow out of that phase.

Good luck to all of you!

I believe time outs are supposed to be one minute for every year they are old. Many recommend not using them until your child is 3 years old, so you are borderline right now on whether or not time out is a good tool for you with your son right now. Here is a good article:

http://www.parentingideas.org/articles/discipline/10-tips...

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) works well for kids with anger issues. It is a tapping technique on acupressure points that parents can easily do with their child each night at bedtime. If you want to know more, just let me know. I do not do this technique for anyone other than my own family, so I am not trying to solicit a client. I am just tired of typing in all the details for people who are probably not interested in more info. ;-)

Take care and good luck.

I can tell you from personal experiences it's not you it's the grandmother! My mother-in-law moved in with us recently and lord forbid we try to discipline our child. She won't let her sit in timeout without talking to her and telling her it's ok and sometimes even picking her up and not allowing me to follow through with her punishments. I guess that's why you have kids is so you can have grandkids on day and spoil them rotten. Try to sit down with her and set boundaries. After all it is your child not hers. Good luck and I personally think it's awesome when dad's post on here. It shows you care about the best interest of your child!

dad you are doing the right thing kids need to know they cant get away with everything. he should be in time out for 12 min per age so if hes 3 he gets 3 min time out. but stick to it. talk to him after hes done in time out ask why hes there. make sure his time out spot is some where not in the middle of everything but in a place where you can see him. as you are talking him to time out say you are going to time out because you.... then when times up he can answer good luck

Kudos on the hands-on discipline. Kids really need boundaries and many don't get them.

Maybe rather than yes or no, you can try a differnt approach if your son has the verbal skills. Let's say you put him in T.O. for hitting the cat. Rather than asking, "are you going to do it again?", tell him what acceptable behavior is, e.g, "We don't hurt the kitty; we pet the kitty softy...how are you going to pet the kitty next time?" an appropriate response would be "softly". (I'd use hand gestures to demonstrate and he can mimick you). If he can't answer you because he is too angry, then he stays in timeout. It is important that we parents don't just always tell kids what is wrong, but to tell them what is acceptable..try this...it is harder than you might think!!!

Sounds like you son as a strong will. At my house, we follow the principal of 1-2 minutes of t.o. for every year of age, but the clock doesn't start until the screaming stops! This seems to be enough to get the point across, but not enough to lose the meaning. Timeout ends with recognition of what was done wrong and what acceptable behavior is, but the language of this needs to be age-appropriate.

J. -- You've gotten a lot of great advice already. Your son is lucky to have a dad who is so concerned with his development. I agree with your methods. A couple of things to keep in mind: Between ages 2 and 3, a lot of kids have tantrums. Part of it is due to the fact that they are developed enough to have complex thoughts but don't have the speaking ability to say exactly what they mean yet. I used to think it was silly to hear daycare providers saying, "Use your words." It took a while for me to realize that this was important. Encourage him to talk to you rather than have a tantrum. If he continues with the fit, walk away. As far as the time out situation, it's good that you always remind him why he's in time out. If you're not sure if he understands yes or no, try asking questions in a different way so that he doesn't have to answer yes or no...but uses other words instead. As far as your mother-in-law is concerned, my guess is that she is jealous that someone else has moved into the family and has more influence on her grandson than she does. I could be wrong, but we women are territorial. God bless you!

Good for you! You are doing the right thing. The only thing I would change is that you and his grandmother need to agree to disagree and this child is NOT to see the two of you disagreeing. Where is this child's mother? Does she agree with you? This is very important. This child is old enough to know that he can get his way b/c grandma will stick of up for him. My nephew learned this young and is now 13 and is sneaky and lies to get family members to fight over him. They say a child is old enough to control himself around 4 yrs old. They are old enough to understand yes and no by age 2 but sometimes cannot control their reactions. Like if you tell him to stop that and he does not, he hears you but may not be able to control himself quite yet. At this point you would walk over to him and sternly say, "I told you it is time to stop playing" and then the best thing you can do is to defer his attention elsewhere. You may not be able to get him to do what you are asking him to do but you can walk over to him and divert his attn to something else. Get on his level and tell him, "that is not nice" or "when I tell you to stop doing that, you must stop" and divert his attn. I have always heard that the best way to teach is to just divert attn and make sure you speak clearly and in their tone. As he gets older, you can really teach him better. My daughter is 3 1/2 and she FULLY knows what to do and what not to do. She FULLY understands when I tell her not to do something. I would honestly say by 3 he should really listen. Get on the same page with the grandparent though b/c that will make for a very unhappy homelife.

ps/ it is one minute per year of age for timeout. If he is 2, he stays in timeout for 2 mins. He may not, however be able to answer if he will not do it again b/c he really does not know.
Good luck

J.,

I think you are awesome for taking such an active role in parenting your little guy and applaud you for tackling this issue early on. I feel you are right to try to get him on track at an early age. Behavior that seems explosive and inappropriate now usually gets worse as a child ages.

That being said, you and your wife need to agree on some key parenting issues and present a united front to the children (and in this case her grandparents). You may have different parenting styles but there are basic rules and consequences the two of you should outline and stick to. Nobody else needs to agree with them but they DO need to respect them. (And if they disagree and you want to hear their opinion, don't do it front of the child). And who knows, maybe if the two of you are on board and explain your methods to her grands, they will see the light.

I know from experience that if you are not with your partner, you are against them and the child will lose in that game. Inconsistency will confuse them and even early on child(ren) will play one parent against the other. You will look like an ogre to your children and you will begin to dread family time, as you won't get to enjoy it because you'll be too busy disciplining kids and fighting with other relatives about it.

You might want to look into taking parenting classes with your wife (check with county Family Services for free classes). Some agencies even offer (free for those who qualify) in-home services, where they involve the whole family in exploring techniques that work for everybody.

Good luck and God bless!

Grandmothers can be wonderful, but sometimes they completely change their tactics when grandchildren arrive. They may have been huge disciplinarians with their own children, but now suddenly with grandchildren there are no rules. There are dangers in this for the grandchildren and the parents. It seems that it needs to be made clear that the job of parenting belongs to you and your wife. Does the grandmother also understand that the definition of discipline is broader than most realize. It also includes training. Given that definition, no child should be without discipline.

Children understand yes vs no by this age, but despite that they can be extremely difficult to manage, as you have found. A few things I found helpful were:

If you do not want to hear the word "NO" from your child a lot and used as a "power word" then find alternatives. We do not do that, you may not go in there, etc.

Rather than always telling your child what he may not do, when explaining not to do something, help him by showing him what he MAY do. If we just continue to tell a child to stop doing something but never provide an alternative or never show him how to do it right, we are setting them up for failure. For instance, if there is something in a room or yard that is dangerous, if we do not provide something for the child to play with, they will continue to go back to the intriguing thing that could be dangerous.

Have routines. Children really need routines and like to know what comes next. That's one reason they will love having the same book read each night. It is predictable and it brings them comfort. Provide some comforting routines in the morning, at bedtime, or whenever. If we help a child feel secure by doing this, it can help them behave more securely.

Regarding discipline and making a child tell you he will not do something again...it may not be realistic at his age. One thing I have heard about time out is that when you sit a child in time out you explain why they are being in time out, how long they will be there, and the expected behavior when in time out. When the time is up, hug the child, reassure of your love for them, and let them play. It has been said that at the end of time out a parent should not go back over their disappointment or even discuss the thing that was done to put them in time out. (Yes, this is much more difficult to do than it sounds!) It makes sense though. Sometimes it can be helpful to think about ourselves. If we mess up at work, how do we want our superior to treat us? How many times do we want them to repeat that we messed up and that they are disappointed in us? Our children want to please us and "do a good job" just as much as we do at work. Just thinking in those terms may help guide you in this regard.

Children aren't typically just "bad". Sometimes their needs are not being met and they do not know how to communicate that to us. The result of not having their needs met may be screaming, hitting, telling a parent they hate them. This shocking, horrible behavior though does not indicate that a child is bad. He may not be having his needs met. Does he need more outside time? Is he getting enough sleep? Has he had enough to eat? Does he need more of a routine? Is he frustrated because he isn't being told what will happen next in his day? Children need outside time or some type of physical exercise to expend their energy or they can become very difficult. They also each have different needs with regard to sleep and food.

If your discipline is always administered with love and concern for your child and a reassurance to him that you know he is a good boy, you will do well. Make sure he knows that you always love him but sometimes you do not like his behavior. This is very important because a child who is told he is bad can become downhearted and also try to live us to being bad as he has been told.

Enjoy your children and recognize that they are in unchartered territory as well. By the age of 2 a child has as many brain synapses as an adult. By the age of 3 a child has twice as many brain synapses as an adult. So, this is why they are so busy. Can you imagine having twice as much going on in your head as you already do?

I hope you have found something in this long reply that will be helpful in your journey of parenthood.

I agree whole hearted with you that your 2-3 yr. old does know what he is doing, and putting him in time out until he agrees not to do it again is exactly what I would do. It sounds like grandma needs to let you be the parent and stop butting in.

Hi...it seems like evryone agrees that kids need discipline, but what is harder to understand is that by being more strict, you actions can EASILY backfire and make the child more defiant..and this doesn't even apply to a 2 year old. When you pose a question to a very small child like "are you going to do that again?"...that child of 2 is only having one goal in mind, which is to repond whatever you way it takes to "please" you and get out of trouble..now NORMALLY this child has " pleased" with positive (yes) answers.Please know that alllllll children seek to please and gain our affection and acceptance(it is human instinct), that NO CHILD is ever " bad", just maybe not being handled the right way. This baby boy is just too young to fully get what you want him to "say". Go easy on him because his behavior will mimic your own, if he FEELS a more negative attitude is coming from yo, he will not fully trust you and the position he will take will be defensive! Relax and love him... because if your heart isn't in it, then he will know it and resent you..tiny ones may not be able to verbalize(or understand your questions!), but they are super intuitive and perceptive about feelings! pushing is different from gentle guidance, and time-out for a 2 year old should be 2 minutes,TOPS(for good reason!), ...you are having a power struggle with a toddler!

We use time out as a discipline method. Sounds like you do something very similar and from what you have said, are doing it correctly. You have to set firm expectations for kids this age, otherwise, they learn how to manipulate you really quickly. You are the parent, and that trumps grandma's feelings. She may not like it, but I would be firm in saying that this is how the discipline is going to be and it is not up for discussion (as long as your wife agrees). Maybe you can also have your wife talk to her, or talk to her together? I wouldn't argue about it with her, esp in front of the child. Just say, I am sorry you feel that way, and keep on doing what you are doing. Congrats to you dad for stepping up!

Timeouts should be timed. It's a minute per year of age. If 2 minutes in timeout isn't enough then you should branch out into other forms of discipline. Positive reinforcement is a very very powerful technique. Recognize good behavior at every oportunity.

Set boundaries with your grandmother-in-law. It's wrong for her to intfere or comment. You need to schedule a meeting, both of you cool your jets, and discuss calmly what is expected of both of you in regards to parenting your son.

Take heart. This is a rough age. Be careful to be kind through your guidance and expect many mistakes. Stay calm and remember that things will get easier as he gets older. Pushing too hard will make him defiant.