19 Month Is Trying to Hit and Throw Things at Me and His New 3 Week Old Brother.

My 19 month old did that too starting at around 16 months and time out didn't work. So, we just grab his little hands firmly, not hard and softly and calmly tell him no and tell him to touch softly while guiding his hands over my arms, face etc.... He has to learn by example. Show him to touch softly and not hard, it might work. It's worked for us. He still has slip ups, but it's not as frequent as it use to be.

Good Luck!

He is trying to get attention, and it doesn't matter if it's negative attention. When you spend time with his brother include him. If you are nursing or feeding a bottle to his brother, read him a book during that time. We went through this as well. The best advice we got (from a professional) was to give the child 30 minutes of exclusive Mommy time once a week. Your partner or someone else needs to watch the baby. Stay with your older son, even if baby cries. This is time that your older child gets to direct (watching tv, coloring, playing, etc). Make a big deal of the mommy time. It's mommy time day! We're going to spend time with Mommy! Tell him you know that sometimes new babies get a lot of attention, and big boys seem to feel left out. So now there's mommy time. He may not understand all the words, but with time, he'll look forward to it.

As for the hitting, he needs to be removed from the baby when he does that. But do not keep him away from the baby all the time. This will work against you. Instead, let him help - can you give mommy the diaper for the baby? let's sing a song to the baby, or look he dropped his toy, can you be the big brother and help him? We made a point to tell our dd all the things she could do (walk, eat ice cream, etc) that the baby couldn't.

Stephanie P has given you good advice about giving your 19 month old love and attention. I would also get him to help you as much as possible with your little one. Give him the idea that this is his baby too. Have him help by bringing diapers to you, clothes, toys, etc. Once he feels certain that you still love him and that he can help, I think he'll be fine.

Dear S.,
I've always thought that toddlers were the toughest because they are old enough to do a lot and get into a lot, but they don't understand danger and aren't really old enough to discipline yet because they can't reason.
Your toddler is going through a big adjustment. This stage will take time and lots of patience. What you need to know is that he is not going to understand time out yet, or particularly why his behavior is not O.K. But, you can condition him which takes no words or explaining and you can do it without being negative. Set up a playpen or portable crib in a spot that is somewhat isolated from the rest of the family, say in an uninviting corner of the living room. Don't put any toys in there, and don't use this space at any other time. Every time he acts out violently, say nothing but pick him up and set him in the playpen for 1 minute or so. It is O.K. if he cries. Don't look at him or pay attention to him during this time. Then get him out and let him try again. Also, be sure to lavish affection on him when he is being good. Spending time with him by himself is a good idea too.The key to condiotioning is consistency. You have to do the same thing every time he acts out, and you also have to let him have many many chances to try again. The more times he gets that response, the faster he will associate that behavior with being in the playpen.It was a good idea to remove hard objects. It may take some time for this behavior to stop. Just rest assured that his behavior is very normal...so don't worry too much.
D.

Hi! I totally feel you. My kids are 13 months apart. Have you tried just spending time with him all by himself? What about getting him to help you bring diapers, cream, or even help rubbing his little brothers arm while he feeds?

My older son totally rebelled once my daughter was born, but once he realized that we really needed his help, his attitude changed. It took a little while though. They need their own time to adjust. Just try not to loose it, as hard as it is.

Something I found helpful when my older son was throwing things at me and the new baby was actually a revealation. It came the day my older son tried to poke the baby with tweezers in the eyes. A friend of mine is a family counselor and she said that there are reasons children act out. My son wanted my attention because he was used to being the center and now there was this little screaming ball of blanket who everybody paid attention to. It was for attention. If he got it by being naughty, at least it was attention. I had to ignore the bad behavior and say " come sit by mommy and when I feed the baby it will be our special time to...(insert his favorite activity.. my son's was book reading and song singing). It became a time for him to get attention also. Now mind you, I had a colic baby. I was tired. I wanted to have the perfect big brother. What he needed, was for me to confess the behavior I wanted. "You are a good boy!! I am so happy with you!" Thank you for being so kind!" I had to repeat this over and over again even when he freaked out! I would say "You don't usually act like this. You are a good boy. Lets hug. Do you want to read?" As weird as that seems and as oposite as it felt for me (who tends to be the major disipline girl) it was perfect for my son. I hope things get better.

Tell him hands are for loving. When he hits take his hand in yours and have him touch you or the baby gently while telling him "We use nice hands." Do this every single time he hits, even if he is just playing(with daddy too!) Do the same thing with objects. If it is a block tell him blocks are for building with and take a moment to build a structure out of blocks with him. If it is a ball-tell him that you would love to play catch with him when you aren't feeding the baby, cooking dinner, etc. etc.

Also, I made sure to include my son in our breastfeeding ritual. If he was awake and started to get rambunctious during a feeding, I would sit him on my lap and read to him. I would also record his favorite show and only let him watch it during a feeding. My son was 19 months when my daughter was born and it just takes a lot of love and consistency. Tell him everyday that you love him and that he is special. Hold him, cuddle him and make him feel like he is still your number one!

Please dont feel alone on this issues. WE experienced the same thing just acouple of months ago. My son was 17.5 months old when we gave birth to our baby girl. Life was INSANE for about 3 to 4 months. About that time he starting liking his sister and his mom again. He was able to play by himself again and return to the normal little boy he was before. Not to say with him turning two in a month hes perfect but things are getting better. When we included him in something as simple as getting a diaper for mommy for the baby or letting him hold her etc that seemed to make a huge difference. Now he reads her storys. He still has his moments of devil child towards his sister. When hes frustrated at something shes the easist target so we've had to get really strict on disipline with him. Hope this helps. don't worry tho its completely normal and life will eventually become sane again. Make sure your getting out as much as possible that also helped. Getting the odler child back in his routine and time with his friends

My mid-wife suggested the "big brother treasure box." Basically, you put really fun/special toys in the box and the box ONLY comes out when you are nursing/feeding baby. That way while you are spending time with baby, he still feels like he's doing something fun. Or you can try the opposite. Include him in feedings. I'm still nursing my 15 month old, and my 3 year old will still climb in my lap or sit on the arm of the rocking chair while I feed her sister. I just spoke with my pediatrician last week because we are still having similar issues, and he said to expect it until around 4 1/2 years old!!! Yikes!!! Good luck!

I know it's hard but have you made time to do something just you and him. My daughter was 21 months when we had our second daughter, and I think it does go a long way to make sure that I spend time with the oldest, just me and her. I always read, just the two of us, before bed. My husband works nights, so even if that means once Brooklyn is fed, in jammies, and has a clean diaper, if she has to cry for about 5-10 minutes I've been doing that (she's a bit older now though). But when she was younger, as much as I may have wanted some sleep while Brookln napped, I used that time for me and my toddler to have alone time, reading books, watching a movie, running around the backyard....whatever she wanted to do within reason.

Also, try to involve him when you can. Are you bottle feeding? Encourage him to hold/help hold the bottle for you. Have him help out with diaper changes by getting a new diaper for his brother. Or bringing a burp cloth. A great way to "keep him off your back" while you are feeding the newborn is to sit and read with him. It'll be good bonding time for all three of you.

I hope this helps a little. I'm sure you'll plenty of great ideas on here. Most of these women are awesome!

We just went thrue this last month, my son is 19 months old. He still slips up sometimes, but instead of telling him he CAN'T throw, we showed him where he can throw. We gently remind him the hallway is a safe place. If he does throw at his brother he has to come back and say "sorry." I totally agree with the other comments that he will change his attitude if he gets to help in some way. Even something as small as bringing you the diaper can completely change his attitude! Good luck....
Also...about time out, do you put him in the same place every time? Maybe you need to leave him there longer if he isn't being phased by it.