We started letting my 18 month old son sleep in our bed when he was sick with an upper respiratory infection. It seemed like he was sick for months, and then got sick again...and has never gotten out of our bed. When we stick to the schedule and bathe him and rock him and he falls asleep with us holding him, we can put him in his bed, but around 2:00am he is crying, and I go get him. I have never done the "tough" love thing, where you put him down and let him cry, or let him cry when he wakes up at night. Any suggestions? My hubby and I really want our bed back!
Everyone, thank you so much! This has been very helpful and I appreciate the support. It looks like we need to do what is best for our family. Steele will put himself to sleep at nap time so I know he can do it. When he does that, he gets a full 2 hours of nap time. When he is home with me and I rock him and put him down, he will only sleep for about 1 hr to 1 hr 1/2 at the most. So that tells me that i need to teach him how to put himself to sleep. I am going to try when we get back from vacation to do the bath, read the book and put him in his crib and some of the other things you all talked about. His teacher at daycare said that as long as she stays in his sight he will stay quite and fall asleep usually within 10 min or so, so maybe I can try that at first. Again, you all have been soooo helpful.
Thank you!!!
Personally, I think of 18 months as still a baby and fully expect my baby to still be in bed with me at that point.
And you know, I'll be 30 this year and there have still been times where I've crawled in bed with my mom while visiting her. Mostly in the mornings and I still enjoy it.
Hi M.. Sometimes just going in, letting him know you're there is all a baby really needs. Stick around for a few minutes and rub his back or hold his hand and tell him "Mommy's here, go night-night". I used to sing to my daughter. It'll mean a few long nights for you for a little while but he should eventually understand that you're there, there's nothing to be afraid of, and before you know it he'll be sleeping straight through the night.
Good luck!
Y'all need to realize that the expression "tough love" was coined when describing how parents need to deal with their adult children who are suffering from drug and alcohol addiction. THAT is when "tough love" is appropriate, not for young children.
M., you sound like such a gentle, doting mom. Good for you for refusing to Ferberize your baby when your instincts tell you not to! Your son just needs to know that he is safe, and he may only feel safe when he knows you are near. At that age, they are so scared of being alone. Remember that object permanence is fairly new to them - they're just getting the idea that if you put a toy under a blanket the toy is still there. They certainly
don't understand that when they can't see you, and you don't come to them when they cry, that they are safe. When they cry and get no response, their blood pressure, heart rate, and stress levels skyrocket. And we now KNOW that ignoring your baby's cries, allowing them to cry unnecessarily, harms their nervous system in permanent ways. According to researchers at Harvard's Medical scool, "the early stress due to separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives." Follow your heart. This should make you feel good about all the holding, snuggling, and rocking that you are doing: http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNee...
However, you do sound like you are ready to have you own bed back again, a perfectly legitimate desire, so you need some practical advice, too.
It sounds like your baby starts off in his own bed, and then wakes at 2:00 am. I would recommend lying down next to him for a while when he wakes up in the middle of the night. (Is his mattress big enough yet? I'd ditch the crib if he's in that- he's old enough to climb out and get hurt in the fall.) At first, he will want you to stay until he falls asleep. But you can do things gradually - bring in a small booklight and read while sitting in his bed, then maybe in a chair next to his bed.
Some parents ease their children out of their beds by putting the child's mattress in thier room, maybe at the foot of your bed. But it sounds like you already have him in his own room for the first half of the night, so that may not be for you.
Elizabeth Pantley has a website with advice and a couple of wonderful books for babies and toddlers. ("The No-Cry Sleep Solution" and "No-Cry Sleep for Toddlers and Preschoolers"
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/advice/0071381392.phpnid...
From Ms. Pantley's says:
"You are probably frustrated and confused. What you lack is perspective. To gain that perspective, ask yourself these questions:
Where will I be five years from now?
How will I look back on this time?
Will I be proud of how I handled my baby’s sleep routines, or will I regret my actions?
How will the things I do with my baby today affect the person he will become in the future?"
Good things to ponder. Babyhood passes soooo quickly - be patient and go gently, slowly and gradually. Good luck.
Hi M.-
I have a two and a half year old that still wants to crawl into my bed. It started when I was just too exhausted to put her back. My husband is away on a carrier so it's just me and the kids. Well, I've caught up on some sleep now so I take her back to her room now and I have a pillow and a little blanket right next to her bed for me to pretend to sleep in her room. Sure I sometimes fall asleep but for about 15 minutes. I don't talk to her while I'm in there and yes, sometimes I do go in there three times in one night. I did the tough love with my son when he was little but my daughter started vomiting when I let her cry it out. I didn't want to clean up the mess any more so I started the pretend sleep with her and yes, I do give in on some nights when I'm tired. I also gave her one of my pillows from my bed with my pillow case on it for her to sleep on in her bed. I didn't read what everyone had to say so I'm sorry if I've repeated anyone... I also like to watch Super Nanny and she does have a very affective way to get them in their own beds. Good luck on the second baby.
Been here! Well, I was here 7 months ago. I begged hubby to begin putting our daughter in her bed at 1 yr after we finshed breastfeeding. She sleeps in our room in her crib and does get up in the middle of the night. We have to give her a bottle (HATE IT) and let her sleep next to us. Then we put her back into the crib. WE just kept doing that so she would comprehend that the crib is your sleeping domain. She sleeps too wild now and my 9wk old is in the bed with us now...SHEESH!
M.,
Im not sure what advice I can give other than, stick to your guns. I have a six year old and a nine month old, they both sleep in their own rooms. Our room is our room and it's off limits, even during the day. Our baby, she slept in our room (in a bassenette) until she was 4 1/2, 5 months old, then she went right her her crib in her room and has been there ever since. Kids need stability and a routine, make it part of your routine that he sleeps in his room. He might cry for a little bit, but if he's fed, changed and not sick then he's fine. Good luck and just stick it out, you and hubby will be glad you did. I know some people who have SIX year olds sleeping with them. Lord help us all. I love my kids but you've got to have your time too!!
When he awakens, one of you get up, see what is the problem, change diaper or potty him, give a drink of water if that's needed and do not take him to your bed. Go back to bed and stay there. You have still assured yourself and the baby that all is well and he will have to learn that this is how it is. It may take several times doing this but if you are consistent and do not let the baby in your bed he will stop and learn how to confort himself. Does he have a favorite stuffed animal to sleep with? A special blanket? These are things they use to comfort themselves. V.
M.:
Tough love is GOOD love, your child learns everything from your actions, he is very smart and knows how to manipulate you, my son is 16 mos old an he did the same thing, got sick and would cry in the middle of the night finally after much advice and prayer we tried it...letting him cry hiself to sleep no rocking at all..rocking can be a crutch, of course comforting is very important but rocking I think can make a child depend on you for sleep. anyway, after a week of crying and sometimes even for an 1-hour strait, my son now sleeps all by himself. Bath, kissy, huggy, story, night-night and in the bed with a gentle pat on the back. He wimpers for 2 minutes, talks, sings and then he is asleep in 10minutes or so, PLEASE try this it worked wonders. Your bed is your place for you and your husband to make more babies. :) Good Luck!!!
S.
mother of a 16 mos old in L'ville, GA
Tough love or you will never get your bed back. Do the bedtime routine but do not rock him to bed. Place him in his bed when he is tired. Maybe read a book while he is lying in his bed and pat his back as he drifts off to sleep. If he gets out of bed, walk him back and lay him down and tell him it is time for bed. The first couple of nights you will need to do this several times. You will want to "throw in the towel" but stick to it. Let him cry in his bed. The first night it will be a longer cry but as the nights progress the time increments will get smaller and smaller. Even if he cries in the middle of the night, let him cry it out. Part of the problem is that he fell alseep in your arms. That is what he last remembers before falling asleep so when he wakes up at 2 am in his bed (because he was in your arms) and you are not there, he freaks out. He has also conditioned his body at this point to wake up in the middle of the night. Just let him cry it out. I know it will be hard for you but you can do it especially if you would like your bed back!
Maqi- i was in the same situation, I would go back to sleep with my daughter on our couch. I never did the tough love thing either, until this... It was HARD! But with in 4 days she was not waking up anymore.... This is what her DR told me to do, bc otherwise she wouldn't break the habit on her own. To tell you the truth I really miss her sleeping with me, but she has to grow up.... Good Luck....
Tell him before he goes to bed that he is going to be a big boy and he needs to stay in his bed all night. Just simply reassure him in the middle of the night that you are there and to go back to sleep. Stick to it and let him cry. After 3 nights he will stop and understand that is the new way. The biggest thing is not to give in.
Seems Kerri has the best response so far...Yes, the child has gotten use to your response to their crying so that cycle needs to be broken. If it continues 'til they're about two-ish, perhaps you'd move up to their "own" bed thing. Get them a small "toddler" bed and make it a big event for them. That might work depending on how big they are now. If you have a two story house, make sure a baby gate is either at the top of the stairs or on their bedroom door so they can't wander. (preferrably on the bedroom door. They don't need to go into the bathroom either.)
Well I guess my response is going to be a little different. My two boys always slept in their beds (now both 9 and 10). My 2yo never slept in her bed. Now, we like our bed, me and my husband, but we saw that she needed this. It was more important to get some sleep. She would wake up every single hour. So, we put her to bed with us and that is where she stayed until she was 2yo. So from newborn to 2yo, yep she was in our bed. Then she turned 2yo in Feb and we got her a twin bed (We learned our lesson about toddler beds with our boys...cribs and toddler beds are NOT comfortable.) and her twin bed is in the same room with us. This is a transition time for her. She loves her bed!
With our boys, our first was in his own bed (not crib) at 16 months and our 2nd son was in his own bed (not crib) at 19 months. I sat beside their bed and closed my eyes until they got to sleep. My 2nd son was the one that kept getting out of his bed. I would just either pick him up and hug him close (no words) and put him back in his bed or walk him back to his room and tucked him back in. I did this over and over and over (same night) until he gave up. I did it every single night until he stopped. It worked.
My 4th child was different. She had different needs. Don't ignore them, if he is needing something from you. If he's just getting out of bed, just give him hugs, kisses, (no talking...that just wakes them up more) and put him back. If he is in a crib, I'd think about getting him out. He is feeling separated and has no control over seeing you when he needs you.
Of course, this is just my opinion.
We have had our girls in our bed most of the time since their births...but to get them out, we added a bed next to ours so I could cuddle them to sleep on theirs and then be able to have ours to ourselves. In the night, if they woke up, I could hop over to that bed (in my sleep, practically) and then move back when I wanted to. It can be as simple as putting a twin matress on the floor next to your bed. Good luck!!
HI there,
I was in your shoes a few years ago with my first. My mom told me over and over that I needed to leave my daugter in her bed but I didnt want to believe her. Well one day I finally did it and it was the best thing I ever did. It took her about a week of crying herself back to sleep but she did it and in the morning she was happier than when she slept with us. The first 2 night I would go in a rub her back but I would not pick her up. I also told her that mommy loves her and that her bed is very safe. Things like that so she would know she is not being "left all alone" and is safe. I hope this helps. It is hard but you are stronger than you think and your whole family will be better for it.
Kimberly (mother of 4 daughters ages 7-18 months)
Hi M.,
My husband and I seem to go through this everytime our 2 1/2 gets sick...Just this week as a matter of fact. We have found that if we just let him cry it out the first night, the second night he is fine. The first night totally sucks, but to quote my sister (and the best advice I have ever received) "No baby has ever gone to the hospital for crying too much."
Good luck!
I don't believe in the cry it out thing.. but what I suggest is that if your son begins to cry during the night, go in his room and rock him back to sleep. Then place him back in his OWN bed, and go back to bed. This may take a few nights, and a few comfort sessions, but eventually, he will discontinue the behavior. He has learned that the crying will get him in your bed.... once you change the response form this, he will stop waking up. It may take a little more energy from you for a few nights, but the result will be worth it!
Hi there!! Let me recommend a book called "The Baby Whisperer". I used it when my son was about a year old. Same situation, let him sleep with us b/c he was sick and it was hard to keep him in his own bed. I can tell you it will be hard but I can also tell you that you are stronger than your child, even if it doesn't feel like it now! :) You will be engaged with a battle of the wills and you and your husband will have to stand strong together. What you are trying to do is break a habit. He knows when he cries in the wee hours that you are going to come get him. You will have to start just going in to soothe him and let him know you are there but that it is time for bed and he needs to go back to sleep. You will do this a few times until you just let him cry himself to sleep. I may take a few nights but remember, you are breaking the habit. I promise you that you will get your bed back! My son is 7 and sometimes he still comes into my room but I either let him in the bed to snuggle or I send him back to his room. As they get older they just understand. Please stay strong and keep in mind that this will NOT hurt your child... the crying is him simply ticked off that you aren't doing what he wants you to do. Power of wills and you and your husband are stronger!! Good luck!
I have to disagree with some of you. I have 3 children 13, 4, and 2. The first two (boys) went through the let them cry it out stage (only lasted a week). My pediatrician told me it was best for them because they are learning how to go to sleep by themselves. My daughter (youngest of 5 total for my husband and the only girl) has been a little spoiled and she has been in our bed quite a bit. She also still wakes up 2-3 times a night crying for mommy - if daddy comes in she screams her head off. We have never let her cry it out - my husband is a softy for her. I believe she does have bad dreams as I used to as a small child. I wish I could get my husband to let me do the tough love so I could get some sleep. I totally believe in letting them learn how to put themselves to sleep and go back to sleep when they wake up. Good luck
I would not let him cry it out. if he's like my kids they were far too stuburn for that. they would cry until they got sick and threw up. and CIO is good for no one it just stress everyone out. Try the book " The no cry sleep solution " by Elizabeth Pantley it has many tricks for getting them back to sleep with out having to resorting to CIO.
I did the "tough" love thing with my first two sons and found it much harder the older I got and had my last son. I wanted to keep a baby as long as I could I guess. He's 2 now and wants to sleep in our bed as well. My hubby would fall asleep on the couch with him and then place him in his crib. He would wake up as your son is doing. I have found that if we put him in his bed awake and stay in his room and rub his back while he's in his crib he will stay in their all night. I just know that in the past he would freak out if he woke up and was in a different spot than where he fell asleep and daddy wasn't right there. Good Luck, it will get better and they don't stay little very long! Mom of 3 boys!
I haven't read the other responses, but if no one has mentioned it, I would recommend reading the sleep book by Ferber. It helped me get my kids to sleep in their own cribs/beds. Great book!
Good Luck!
M.
