Hi, my son is 18 months old and recently he has begun hitting me in the face when he is tired or frustrated. He is super sweet and loving and I realize that it is when he 'gets mad', he lashes out at me. He doesn't do it to anyone else. My husband will step him and tell him NO when he is around. I stayed home with him until he was a year old but now I work outside the home fulltime. I'm wondering what experiences other moms have had with this. It's not that I'm totally concerned about it, but I'd like to know it's at least somewhat normal and also what is the best way to deal with it. Occasionally I have swatted him on the bottom, but it seems so hypacritical to 'hit' him when I'm telling him no hitting. So, I usually put him down, telling him it hurts mommy and I turn and walk away.
Any ideas?
Thank you.
First I want to thank everyone for their time and energy responding to me. It seems I am not the only mommy who gets hit by her little one. I've kept it consistent by taking his hands and saying a firm No, and I tell him 'be gentle, that hurts Mommy'. He gets it and will usually stroke my face afterwards in a loving way. So I know he gets it. I also will put him down and ignore him for a minute or two and he gets it after that too. The problem is that he does still do it. It is becoming better though and I do feel it is a phase and he will grow out of it. I think it is a good lesson to teach him what gentle is. Thanks again for all your responses!
You too need to tell him NO! I actually grab my daughter's hands when she did this and looked at her and told her, " don't hit Mommy, Love Mommy and give her a hug" broke the hitting after a week. With my son, all I had to do was put him down QUICKLY when he hit or bit me, and went to where he could not get to me, these were also broken in less than a week.
When I went back to work part-time my 2 year old son, Lucas, started doing the same thing. Never anyone else, and it really wasn't meant to be mean. I did the same thing, just put him down and walk out of the room. Then after he appologized and hugged me I'd make a big deal out of playing with him.
After a few weeks he stopped. Good luck, I know it's frustrating to have a little hitter, especially when you need him to be affectionate because you've recently gone back to work.
I've got to agree with Skye's response. Our son started hitting me (just me most of the time) when frustrated starting at 18 months as well. We immediately implemented time-outs for him, and would put him in his room (we turned the handle around so we could lock it from the outside) for about 1.5 minutes. (The rule is 1 min per year of age. The child's attention span only lasts this long so if you leave him longer it's not helping anything and in all honesty probably making him feel abandoned and will hurt the time-out training in the long run.)
In honesty, I agree with your thought on being hypocritcal. I see my son mirror our behavior and you most likely are showing signs of frustration or anger when he gets a swat (who wouldn't when your son's hitting you!?) and I gaurantee he picks up on that.
We got a great book called "1-2-3 Magic" that has simple methods for implementing time-out and it's been wonderfully easy. We were able to give him an outcome he understood for hitting me as well as any other activity that wasn't appropriate (throwing toys, screaming endlessly, etc.) and the counting gives him a chance to change his response so that he doesn't have to go to time-out. We had to do this for a few weeks until he started to make smarter decisions (soon we only got to 1 or 2 before he stopped) and after that initial few weeks our son also started paying attention to our explanations like "we don't hit, it hurts others and isn't nice...it's okay to be frustrated, but a better thing to do is xyz (i.e. cry, be held, run around or stomp, go sit down for quiet time, etc. - you've got to base this on your child and what you think they need...our son needed to let out some energy)." He'd typically say "why" and we'd talk through it more. One FYI - this book tells you there are some things that don't get counted (the child receives an immediate time-out) and hitting is one of them. Kids have to learn to make that smart decision without hitting at all, so no counting for that one!
Good luck. :)
Hey K.,
Our son is almost 2, but at 18 mos he was hitting a bit too. I think most of what's been said here is right on: he's not sure how else to communicate at this age so in frustration he lashes out. That doesn't make it right, just helps you understand where he's coming from. With my son, I made up a simple silly phrase and told him to "give hugs, not thugs". I don't know if the rhyme stuck in his head or if the giggles from adults around us made him stop, but he would always stop hitting and give a hug or kiss instead. It was another way of performing an action when he didn't have words yet, but it was an acceptable action, and he learned quickly that we listened more willingly to him when he used kind actions. He does get a pop on the hand or bottom when I absolutely can't get his attention or he doesn't listen to me, and I agree that you have to set those boundaries. It does get easier though as they start to talk. My son's face lights up and he smiles so big when mommy gets what he's trying to say (makes me pretty happy too!). Hang in there! Better communication is coming soon. Boundaries (including punishment) are necessary; he's got to learn you are the adult/parent and not just a playmate on the same level. Just remember to love on him and teach him that side of things too, after the tantrum storm passes. :) You'll both come through this just fine! Best of luck!
Before I had children I saw a friend of mine's son hit her. I could not believe they would let a child hit them! Two years later my son hit me! I realized then that it must be normal b/c other than when he was tired, he was a really good kid. Then, our daughter did it 3 yrs later. Basically we grabbed his hitting hand and looked him in the eye and said, "no hitting! Hitting is not nice" "we do not hit" and after only a few times they stopped. I think it is a phase. Keep your discipline short and to the point so they can understand. I would not worry unless it really continues when they are old enough to know better.
:o) W.
You got a lot of advice. Hopefully something you try will work. I read through a few of the responses and was HORRIFIED when i read a post from a mother suggesting to put your eighteen month old toddler in his room for an hour.
That is insane. Your child is too young to be sent to his room and an hour is entirely too long.
Children should be put in timeout for one minute for each year they are old. At 18 months, timeout may not be a concept your child is familiar with yet, but he can learn it.
I like the idea of putting him down and walking away when he hits... that is teaching him that he wont get attention and he wont get his way if he hits. It's good that your husband steps in, but he's not always there and your child needs to respect your authority, too. Don't let your husband intercept anymore unless your son hits him.
The next time your son hits you, tell him "we dont hit, we use our words" or something like that. He may not have the words to express himself yet, but its never too early to learn to use words instead of hitting. Tell him hitting hurts, or use whatever words you use to convey pain. My son said "Owie" so I would saw "owie" and sometimes pretend to cry gthe first time my son hit. If he hit again, he went in timeout for roughly 2 minutes each time he hit. At that age, timeout was in the playpen with no toys, blankets, or anything else. I woulf repeat "we do not hit" or "no hitting" then walk away while he screamed. After two minutes, I'd come back, remind him "no hitting" and take him out of timeout and give him a hug.
(the hug is to reinforce that I love him even though he was misbehaving...again, 18 months is a bit young, but if you start now it will be habit to always remind him he is being punished for the behavior and that you dont like the behavior but love him anyway.
Hi K.,
My son went through this same thing. I think a lot has to do with what they pick up at daycare from other children. What I did was tell him firmly "No hitting!", put him in a pack and play, and walk off. Once he calmed down, we would do kisses and hugs. I found that the hitting was less once he had a better vocabulary and could tell express himself verbally, and I think you will notice the same thing, too. Hang in there, and this will pass. Good luck.
I'm sorry your son hits you. My 18-month old hits, bites, scratches and bounces on me when he gets excited or frustrated. I think at that age, they just don't know how else to express their feelings. My son also isn't talking much yet, so this is how he communicates. Still, it's not acceptable and I usually say, "Ouch, no hitting, biting..." and put him down. If he does it again, I try to redirect him with an activity, and if it continues, I stand him in the corner for 20-30 seconds. Hopefully consistency will pay off and as his vocab gets fuller, he'll express himself with words rather than these violent actions.
its normal but just because its normal doesn't mean its acceptable. He's ols enough to start learning to curb his bad behavior. When he does it you tell him "no", put him down, and walk away. Eventually he'll get the point.
K.,
My daughter did the same thing around that age - I think they just feel safe in knowing that we will still love them and they are still struggling with being able to verbalize their emotions. I got a book called Hand Are Not for Hitting and we talked about keeping our hands to ourselves. I would also grab her hand and give her a firm 'no, no hitting' when she did it, put her down and walk away until she could get her emotions under control. It takes some time but I think consistency is key. It worked for us.
Good luck and hang in there!
It is best to firmly nip it in the bud, otherwise they further develop the attitude that they are "above" you, so to speak. Make a strong impression, such as by putting him in his room long enough to make him think twice about doing it the next time (an hour). John Rosemond (www.rosemond.com) has an excellent book called Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. Good luck!
You will get lots of different opinions on spanking. I work with children and what I see is that the children that have been spanked hit more often than the children that are not spanked. Little children have a hard time understanding why it is OK for you to hit them, but it is not OK for them to hit you. You may want to try other alternatives to spanking and see if that helps the hitting issue.
my grandson is 18months and he hits his mother when frustrated. she also tells him that hurts mommy he doesnt care. but she has started putting him in time out when he does it and it has helped some i believe he will grow out of this just be patient and firm when he hits. goodluck
You're probably feeling guilty for 'deserting him' (and sad, yourself at the separation) by going back to work after a full year at home. You may even almost feel that you 'deserve' to be hit. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by firmly (maybe even sharply) telling him 'No' and putting him down and walking away. Don't do it with a 'pout', though -- as if this hurts you. that would be acting like a baby and expecting the 18 month old to act like an adult in comforting you. You are the parent, and it shouldn't only be the dad who puts little 'Jr' in his place (although it's great that he's doing it already on your behalf and demanding that the child respect you! : )
P.S. At 18 mo. they KNOW what they want, but can't SAY it, and that's frustrating. As others have said, with more advanced communication, things settle down, but like OTHERS have said, it's time to establish your authority.
God bless!
K.,
It sounds like you are doing the right thing. By putting him down and saying, 'Ouch, that hurts' you are letting him know it's not okay. My son did the same thing. It eventually stops, but you have to be consistent.
I'll tell you something else, though. My little cousin used to slap my aunt when he was about your son's age. He thought it was funny. One day she got so sick of it she actually did it right back to him. It really took him by surprise, and it never happened again. He's now 27 yrs old and chuckles at this story every time it's told. I'm not condoning this behavior, just thought you'd like to hear how someone else handled it. Good luck to you!
Hi K.,
My 20 month old, Matthew, does this too. When he's tired, he'd swing at me and then drop his head on my shoulder, like he's trying to get comfortable. He also swings at his brother to try to take something from him.
I notice that he doesn't swing out of tiredness as much as he used to, but he still "drops" on my shoulder and that can hurt, too.
Since you say that your boy is only hitting you, maybe you should try to sound more stern like Daddy when he says no.
I'm no expert, but I hope this helps!
Communication. Use baby sign language, teach him signs to use when he needs something and doesn't know how to communicate it. I used to put my kids in a time out, they had to sit quietly for a few minutes so they could calm down. I even told mine as they got older and I would get upset that mommy needed a time out to calm down. He will get it, consistency is the key.
.
K.~
My 20 month old is doing the SAME THING!!!!! I am handling it the same way you are so I have no big ideas for you...I just wanted you to know you are not alone!!!
K. P
I always just grabbed her arm and squeezed a little and said NO in a very firm voice then tell her that is ugly to hit. I think it is just a phase and will blow over soon. The thing about teaching them things is repetition, repetition, repetition.......
