17 Month Old Cries While I'm Gone and Won't Sleep for Anyone Other than Me

I don't think it's _just_ testing boundaries. I have a 21 month old who is very strongly attached and has gone through periods of intense separation anxiety. Every child is different, but this is very common. It is episodic as the child becomes more aware of her surroundings and ability to move independently (i.e., it's fun and exciting to move away, but don't want to get too far away). When my son was 17 m, I was 8 months pregnant and so my husband had to do a lot more care-taking. My son seemed to regress a lot. He was resentful and would push his daddy away, say "no daddy" and so on. He would even take the bottle away from daddy and hand it to me, to make me feed him. It also seemed to me that he was blaming daddy for my absence. However I had little choice since I was so exhausted and knew I would need to let go even more once the new baby arrived. We never ferberized him, although sometimes I needed to just leave and let the two of them work it out. The two main things were that my son didn't want anyone else to feed him or put him to sleep. So there were a few times when I was there, but feeling sick and couldn't feed him. So he cried for half an hour - which is a long time! We both offered to hold him during this, and my husband kept offering him food while I stayed in bed. He eventually ate. But sometimes when he asked I also fed him. We were not absolutely consistent about it and he still grew out of it. My husband was amazingly gentle and compassionate with him, realizing that it was not that our son hated him, he just wanted his mommy. So tell your husband not to take it personally. As for the sleeping thing, that was harder, but I had to just let my husband do it and not intervene. Now he puts him to bed every night, while I put the baby to bed. Occasionally I'll put him to bed, but he seems to do better with a regular routine so I don't do it too often.

For us at least, part of the issue is habit - what he expects to happen. If mommy puts him to bed every night for his whole life, of course he feels freaked out if someone else tries to do it. In a more general sense, if mommy has always been the one to meet his needs, he needs to learn that someone else can also do it, and this takes time. It doesn't mean either of you are bad parents or there is anything wrong with your child. There is just a lot for a little toddler to learn!

Do you ever notice if she gets like this when:

1) she is about to hit a growth-spurt? (which occurs every 3 months. 18 months is a growth-spurt time, for example).

2) She is teething or not feeling well?

3) when she is hitting milestones or making developmental changes? Or changing in terms of any physical/motor/cognitive aspects?

the reason I ask is, MANY times a baby/child gets tweaked at these junctures. It being age-related junctures. Or growth-spurt periods. And it is "growing-pains" for the child.

Next, when you leave her with others... does she cry that ENTIRE 3 hours???? Or just sporadically?
I would if you can.... keep trying short periods of leaving her with someone... and be consistent though... because maybe she just has not yet.... gotten used to being left with someone else.
And she is very bonded to you.

Or, what does your Hubby do with her? Do they have 'fun?' Is she over-tired? Hungry? Does your Husband understand her/her cues, for what she needs? Some men are fumbly when left with their baby/child and don't know what to do.

Also, maybe your daughter is just very very routine oriented... and anything else, just tweaks her. Some babies/kids are like that.

Certainly though, even if you are home and around... I would just leave the room and do things around the house, and let her be with your Husband in the room. While you make busy.

Or maybe, she has not passed the "object permanence" phase of development... try looking it up online... and her 'separation anxiety' is VERY strong. She is obviously having separation anxiety as well... and only finds you comforting.

I don't have any answers for you, I'm sorry.

all the best,
Susan

I think every child goes through this - my pastor's daughter just had her toddler lock her out on the patio because she didn't want mommy and daddy to go on date night! Haha....she said 'mommy - no go, no date!' Of course they still had their date and next time they won't tell her before they drop her off at the babysitter's house....but the point is, kids will try to have their own way and like routine and comfort - and it's all what they get used to and what they are allowed to get away with. I'm glad that you are setting boundaries now - although it doesn't make it any easier! The more she gets used to your absence, the more she will feel comfortable with it....your poor husband is doing a good job....Try leaving during nap time or after bedtime, if possible, so she won't have that many hours without mommy...and try getting her used to daddy putting her to bed...have him stand by you while you put her to bed, then have him follow the routine and maybe stand by to rub her head or hold her hand and then gradually back away and eventually leave the room after a few days....then let him put her to bed on his own. It will get better over time - and hopefully it won't be too hard in the meantime. Just try to stay strong and hold your ground - she will be fine and I'm sure she doesn't think your husband is the cause of your absence. Good luck!

She's just testing your boundaries. She's older and has more stamina so it might take a little longer for her to adapt. You need to let others put her to bed and she just needs to figure out how to get over it. By you not letting others put her to bed it's letting her know (she doesn't think in terms like this), but at the core of it she's in charge of her bedtime and who puts her to bed. Believe me, I know that you didn't mean for this to happen I am sure so don't feel bad or anything because it was unintentional, but you need to let her know that you are in charge. Her happiness and comfort is at your expense, because you aren't happy because you're a prisoner to bedtime. Hopefully this doesn't sound harsh or cold, but I totally understand because my husband and I are in the process of correcting the same thing. We didn't realize that it would happen that our daughter would fuss if anyone other than me put her to bed. It will be hard, but you need to establish your husband putting her to bed when you're home and not just when you're away. I assure that it is going to be nothing less than hard, but for some reason she has developed the mindset that you are the only one that can meet her needs. She's 17 months and has a lot of stamina so more than likely she is going to cry and cry for a while, but I would try the Ferber method, which is what my husband and I did. The first night your husband puts her to bed, let her cry for five minutes then send him in to comfort her. Let him tell her that everything is all right, but it's bedtime and the two of you are still there so she's all right then walk out of the room. Wait another five minutes then send him in to do the same thing. Keep repeating this until she's asleep. The next night, increase the time. Keep it up and eventually she will barely fuss if at all.