16 Year Old Step Daughter? - Springfield,IL

The other posts are great. The only thing I would add is that I would be careful to not give advice. Mostly listen. Also, don't give up if she pushes you away at first. Let her know you aren't going anywhere. Blessings from one stepmom to another.

I would give it a try for sure. She may have issues with you b/c she is waiting on you to bail too. My mom used to take me on a long drive to a VERY nice mall to go shopping and in the car on the way is when we had those kinds of talks. No one was going anywhere and it seemed easier, no eye contact needed.
Drive there was for talk
Shopping (with budget) was for fun
Drive home was for questions, silence or more fun.

You know SD, I know it's a HUGE transition for you coming here to live with me and your Dad. And I appreciate how hard the adjustment has been for you. I want you to know I love your Dad very much, and I love you kids very much and I want to help anyway I can.

I want you to know you can talk to me about anything. There IS no issue we can't work out together, k?

I think you're a great kid and I want you to have a great future, so if you'd like, I can make a drs appointment for you. We can go together, you can talk to the doc about birth control and such if you like. Or you can talk to me, ok? You can even tell me about bfs, right? I'm a girl too, afterall, I've been there. And boys can be pretty stupid (eye roll, and instant bond).

(Patting her on the shoulder and getting up) So really, ANYTHING at all you want to talk about,it's cool, right?

(Follow up from time to time, but don't hound her)

Least that's what I'D try.

:)

Yes, talk with her. You don't want an unexpected pregnancy or std--so now is the time to talk to her. She doesn't have to like it, but you need to make sure she is educated and knows who she can come to if she needs to talk or needs help. Ask her to go to coffee with you and start spending time with her. I would bet that she is afraid to get close to you because of the way her mom bailed on the family. She needs a good strong woman in her life and you are it :) Talk to her openly about it and depending on your beliefs, you can take her to the doctor to get checked and get birth control or you can support her in other ways. But I would definitely get the communication going now.....good luck!

S.,
Maybe this is the opportunity to start a bond,you may feel that she doesnt like you but it might be that she doesnt know how to treat youor open up.Its soo much harder the older they get.I have a 14yr old step-daughter and while we have issues,she does communicate better with me then she does her father(and mother for that matter)she came to me when she got her first period and I grabbed the opportunity then to talk about sex..I thoght you could invite your step-daughter out to lunch or even just out running errands and talk casually(nothing deep the first couple times)and go from there..she might be alot more receptive then you ever knew..Teenage girls are already hormonal and devensive,not havng her mother probobly really hurts..Youre not trying to replace her mom but just remind her,youre there as a friend(and step-mother)and if she ever needs advice(youre not her mother but you were 16 once yourself)I wish it came with a manual because having a blended family is one of the hardest things to do "right"if there is such a thing..good luck

I like Kristina M's advice. I would only add that if you have a good relationship with your Ob/Gyn, you could talk to him/her about your concerns with respect to your SD. Then make an appointment for your SD to see the Dr - just say it's a "your growing up and we need to make sure you're staying healthy" appointment. The Dr can emphasize that anything she tells says is confidential (because it is, and you won't find out what the discussion was), and she might be more likely to open up to the Dr. and get the info (and anything else) she needs from an objective 3rd person.

Yes, someone needs to talk to her, why not you?

It would be common for a 16 year old to give a new stepmother the cold shoulder -- don't be too offended, 16 year olds usually give their own mothers the cold shoulder.

You don't say what your husband wants you to say to her, but hopefully your talk (which should be kept as brief as possible, because teens will start to tune you out if you go on at them for too long) will include birth control and disease info, and the additional message that you are there for her to talk to when she needs to.

This is your chance to strengthen the bonds with this girl, and she needs a mother, and you can be it. Just be prepared for her to be cold for a year or two longer, because girls usually start emerging from the teen funk around 17 or 18. One day, they just start acting human again, assuming you have parented them reasonably well.

Happy talking! And Theresa's script is wonderful

If you dont think she is comfortable talking to you, what about one of your daughters?

Would one of your daughters be comfortable talking to her on a sisterly level, and SD be comfortable opening up to her? Then if they do talk, your daughter doesn't have to fill you in on details just let you and your husband know if you do have to have the talk with her or not.

Im sure you had the talk with your daughters.. so they are well informed, I see no problem letting your daughters talk with her and pass that info down to her.

Good luck!

Kids don't care what you know until they know that you care.

I loved Theresa N's suggestion, and that's what I'd try too (though I do not have step-kids, my son has a step-dad [my husband] and I know that's how he'd approach it).

You can try, but I wouldn't want my stepmother to talk to me either. I would try, but if she refuses, Get a grandmother, aunt or older cousin. She has to have at least one female relative...doesn't have to be a close relative

Talk to her, just like you talked to your girls and build that relationship, since you are her only mother figure in her life now!

Great suggestions so far. My mom left when I was 15 and I had nobody to talk to me or to talk to. Please try, she may not open up on the spot, but if you are available and she knows it will be easier for her.

I think Theresa ツ's suggestion is perfect.

If the two of you are not close, she is not likely to be receptive to such a discussion with you. It is unfortunate if she does not have any female relatives or family friends to have these kinds of discussions with. What does your husband expect you to do - find out if she is having sex and report back to him? Take her to a GYN/MW to get birth control? Tell her that sex is wrong? Is she close to your young adult daughters? Maybe they are an option to help her if she needs to get some protection, but they shouldn't be reporting back on any confidences that she shares.

Maybe this is what you guys need in order to bond a little. I definitely think you need to talk to her. You don't have to accuse her of anything but if you don't, you both may end up grandparents. Offer to take her to the dr., let her know how important birth control is. Since the two of you are not the best of friends, askIng her (or telling her) to wait will probably go over like a ton of bricks.

If all else fails, what about your 18 year old daughters? Are they a little closer? Might not be so bad if someone close to her age talked to her about sex, waiting & prevention. It must be so hard having a mom that just bailed on you.