16 Month Old Slaps

Hello S.,

Well the only advise I can give is Slap her back when she slaps you. When my daughter use to bite me or hit me I did the same thing back and after just a couple times she stopped. She caught on real quick, if I bite/slap Mom she bites/slaps me and she stopped. She didn't like it when I did it back and yeah she would "try and cry" but I ignore her and told her you don't bite and slap people and she stopped and never did it again. I think that is the only way she is going to learn.

Hope this helps,
D.

only have a minute - -
had this problem.
still do occassionally -
usually for good reason...
fantastic book...
hands are not for hitting.
we have feet not for kicking, tails not for pulling and teeth not for biting - o and words not for hurting.
all we highly recommend.
when we can - we stop whatever is going on, sit down with the boy and read the book together.
if not time for that -s how him his hands and ask him what they are. he says, "hands" and we say "hands are not for hitting - hands are for loving" have him give us a hug and say he's sorry - usually works and stops the hitting.

just takes some patience.
s

I don't agree with the advice someone else gave, to slap her back. It teaches that it's ok to be violent (even just "starter violence") as a way of getting what you want.

You need to show some tough love and slap her back to let her know how it fells and it hurts. Just like if she pulls your hair pull her hair, if she pinches you pinch her back, if she bite the same thing bite her back just a little bit harder then she did you so she can feel it....If she plays with fire you need to show her it is hot and she will get burnt she needs to feel the heat. Let her know this is unacceptable because it hurts and say NO! You show her a little pain to prevent a lot of pain..... She will know how it feels and that it's uncomfortable if it hurts her she won't do it because she will not want to hurt or hurt mommy. I may sound mean but it works I have raised 5 children, that respect Mother, when my children played with matches I lit the match and held it close enough for them to feel the heat and they didn't play with them because they knew they would get burnt. It's not being abusive it's being an intellgent parent that is teaching your child right from wrong. If you don't tell her what she is doing wrong and show her how to do it right she'll never know. Time out does not work in every situation.

S. ~

Consistency is the key. And no emotion. I wish I had more to offer, but it sounds like you're doing great. Keep on keeping on!

~ R.

When my daughter (15 1/2 mos.) gets frustrated she hits too. She'll try to hit me, other kids, inatimate objects, anything she is near. I tell her no each time and tell her hitting hurts and we don't hit people. I try to move her to a safe spot and and set her on her own. She usually has a mini-meltdown, and then she gets over it. It seems like she just needs some stress relief. Since I've been consistent each time it has gotten a lot better.

she isn't too young for time-outs. get a book calleed "love and logic" it does wonders. the idea is that you aren't punishing her, but that a consequence occurs with each choice she makes: good and bad, sometimes you have to provide the consequence. kids are very social, they hate being alone, so if the consequence is that every time she slaps she is put in her crib for 2 minutes, she will quickly equate the behavior with an undesired consequence (being away from mommy) the trick is not to react or lecture AT ALL (this is always the hard part for me), otherwise it becomes a punishment. kids are smarter than we think, she'll know what the consequence was linked to, especially after a couple of times. this is truly the most effective and long-term dicipline style out there. it teaches kids a life-long lesson- to be responsible for thier choices because it creates consequences that aren't always desirable, instead of if you do something "wrong" someone will punish you or usurp authority over you. good luck!

As the other posts said, it sounds like you are doing things right. A small time out is okay, they say 1 minute per year of age, so that would basically be 1 minute for her. The other thing is to look at WHY she is hitting. If her language skills aren't to were she can clearly state what is wrong, naming the feelings for her might help. I have 4 kids that had speech delays and sometimes hitting (more often a scream) would be their way of letting me know they weren't happy. I did make an emotions wheel - looks like a clock but has pictures of happy, sad, tired, mad, scared and hungry with a 'hand' to point to how they feel - though they aren't all emotions, I would pull it out throughout the day so they could let me know how they feel and it really helped. If her language skills are enough for you to understand her, then maybe let her know that it hurts to slap. You might need to come up with a creative way to demonstrate that - popping a balloon, squishing a piece of candy or fruit and talk to her about whether she thinks that 'hurt' the item or not. Maybe even do a roll reversal and have her play mommy and you daughter and you act the way she does. I've done this and it is hugely enlightening. You get to see how your kids percieve you which is fun, but they get a sense for their behavior too.

I hope this helps!

Hi S.,
Your little one sounds very smart and self-aware. Sounds like at some point, she got the impression this was a "battle" to fight, and she's trying to go "toe to toe" with you." Is this true?

Perhapse it's time to switch tactics: do something to take the wind out of her sails (take the power away from her?)

{{I am NOT talking about slapping her back.}}

Good luck!
T

Instead of telling her no, try telling her what she can do instead. "Please don't put that penny in the electrical outlet. You could get hurt. Could you help me put dishes away?" Be sure and pick your battles. If she is not hurting herself or someone else, then she is learning. Everyday is a learning experence for her at this age. Good luck. C.

It sounds like your doing the right thing. You just have to keep being consistent, it could be she has stopped crying because she is starting to expect the time out - and wants to see if you're going to NOT give it to her if she changes HER reaction. My daughter is just over 2 years - and we do a sort of abbreviated time-out. I don't time it, but we will put her in a particular spot and tell her she needs to stay there because of XXX (usually not listening or hitting one of us) and then I usually wait awhile (usually around a minute - to allow me to get a grip more then anything); then I go and sit next to her and remind her she was there for XXX reason and we don't do that, she apologizes and we move on with our lives. :)

Something my mother did with me, when I was little, she would sit me in her lap, my face away from her, wrap her arms around me, and if need be lock my legs with hers - and basically bear hug me/restrain me while telling me hitting was not allowed. I was a big hitter/fighter (mostly my younger sister who was more able to use verbalize herself and frustrate me).

Just keep it up, keep calm, keep consistent!! Good Luck!!

After a slap, tell her she can't be with mama if she hits. Her time out should be where she can't have contact with you. Put her in a room and set a timer. Don't respond to her until it goes off. She wants your attention and is still getting it if you have to wrestle with her in time out.

This is a phase that all kids go thru. They are testing their bounderies with you & looking for attention (positive or negative is fine with them). I know this sound ridiculous, but with my 1st, I COMPLETELY ignored the slap & she stopped almost immediately. It didn't work so well with my son (plus he hit harder), so I started time-outs with him at the "testing" age & got good results. Of course, it does take them a while to "stay". At the beginning, my husband put him in time-out & he stayed better for him. Once he got the concept that he needed to stay, I was able to get better results. And I would make him "tell" me he was sorry after (the only sign he knows). I think maybe that it's cuz I'm home all day. The Love & Logic book is great. The hardest part for me is no emotion & coming up with a consequence that I can follow-thru on. Anther good book is 123 Magic. It's for a little older, but with an older sibling, he's starting to get the concept. Good Luck!

My 18 month old had been going through the same thing and a few weeks ago I was reading a request with the same question you had and thought, I better read the advice cuz I need help too. I read one responose that made this stage much less stresful to deal with. One lady had read somewhere that this stage is a very crucail boundry setting stage. They are learning to trust that you are going to continue to stop them from behaving naughty. They are develping more independance and personalities, but they need to know that mommy is going to intervene appropriatly when needed. DO what you are doing, tell her no no and show her gentle by rubbing her face and then when she relaxes for 3 seconds and smacks ya again then do then repeat and then set her down. The stage is much shorter if you are consistant and as long and she doesn't get hit back. You also need to tell daddy and who ever interacts with her to do the exact same thing you chose to do. Be careful when she has hard objects in her hands..lol She got daddy right in the lip last night with her bottle and I he didn't say anything, he just made an owe that hurt face and moved his head around hers so he could see the tv. I had to growl and say "honey, tell her no. you need to work with me here" Ughh. Men just need more reminders I guess. Just hang in their. You are just molding her into the little being she is going to grown up to be. It is frustrating, but that advice took some of the stress away. I hope this helps. Good luck.

S.,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I remember my daughter going through this phase, and it was not very fun. It takes a long time, sometimes. Consistency is the key, and also remaining neutral, even as you are repeating this over and over. It also helps to not make too big a deal about the hitting - don't let her do it, but don't take it personally when she tries to hit you. She is trying to communicate with you, she is simply not very skillful yet. It is your job to teach her skillfulness, which is what you are doing now. When my daughter seemed determined to hit something, I sat in bed with her and we hit pillows together. That really seemed to help her release the energy, while reinforcing that people are not for hitting. I also started teaching her the words to use to express herself - I'm mad, grumpy, tired - whatever seemed to be going on for her. Over time, she learned to name her feelings with words, which reduced her frustration considerably. Hang in there!!
V.

Hi S.,

I have had similar problems with by 16 month old, plus biting issues. We have completely stopped the biting and almost all the hitting using time-outs. I don't think they are too young for time-outs at all. In fact, I started using them when my daughter turned one. I do not use her crib for a time out b/c I don't want her to associate the place she sleeps with punishment. So I read about this time-out technique in Parents magazine for kids between 1-2 years. You hold the child facing you on your lap in the same chair every time. Hold them still by putting your hands on top of their shoulders. The key is to tell them why they are in time out and then not look at them or talk to them for 1 minute (1 minute per year of age). You don't let anyone else talk to her or you either. After the minute is up, tell them you know they are sorry and that you love them, and give them a kiss. There is no way I would ever be able to put my very active child in time out without this technique, and I really believe this has worked for us. Now I can get her to stop misbehaving by giving her a warning about going in time-out. She hates having to still for a minute and it drives her crazy that I don't look at her when I'm so close to her. They will fight it, but just hold on to their shoulders and don't give in when they start laughing or saying mama while they are in time-out! She gets me sometimes when she does that b/c it's too darn cute. :-) The most important thing is consistency-- do a time-out every single time she hits or whatever else you want to correct. It took about 4 days for us to get rid of the biting, 2-3 time outs a day. But it worked! And now we use for it other "serious" offenses. So good luck!

My daughter had a thing for a while with pulling other kids hair...yeah time outs are not effective, and talking does not seem to go far, but the phase passed. Now she pets other kids hair occasionally. ("gentle""nice"...keywords used again and again)...ok maybe touching others uninvited is not so great, but it's better than the hair pulling!
Be patient...I think Dr. Karp had some good advice...to use eye contact during and after these "confrontations" just seems to add a dare to the little one...possibly stimulating counterwill? I'd avoid making a big deal if possible. That she will caress your face is a good sign...she'll get it ...just hang in there!
Timeouts are not even all that effective in the long run either...check out Canadian child psychologist Neufeld...for more effective and easier parenting.