My girlfriend has a 16 month old daughter and even when she is right next to her she screams and cries and throws a fit until she picks her up and then she is fine like nothing was wrong. This is a constant thing she can't get anything done like a school work make dinner or anything what can we do? And her daughter only cries and freaks out when her mom is around not for anyone eles.
Wow! She's already working mom. To mom's defense, she doesn't want little snowflake to be upset, so she picks her up. Mom needs to stop, or she will create a kid who controls their parent and always get's their way. There will be a hard adjustment period, but you guys will be thankful down the line, when little one isn't a spoiled brat.
Good luck!
I agree with Christy Lee: It's time for mom to change the pattern of *how* she deals with soothing her little screamer.
It's good that this is being addressed now. I have seen it go on into a child's threes and some actual developmental damage had to be undone. Mommy did so much for that child that the child wasn't developing the physical coordination skills appropriate for their age. (Oh, heavens, that was a whole other hard conversation with that parent!)
Here's what I would do:
Start re-training the child's expectations.
Child cries. Mom says "I'm doing X. I'll pick you up in one minute." Put a timer on if need be, mom finishes quickly and then picks the child up and verbalizes "Now *I am ready* to pick you up." This will need to be repeated for a long time. These words tell the child that they must wait until MOM is ready.
If the child begins to cling, get underfoot, or otherwise prevent Mom from doing her task, use a containment device, such as a stroller or high chair. (Be sure to buckle up the child with a 5-point harness at this age, esp. when they are tantrumming.) "You may play here. I am busy. I'll hold you in a few minutes." I did this with my son quite a bit when he went through clingy phases and wanted 'uppy' while I was needing to make dinner or move laundry. I brought the umbrella stroller to the door of the kitchen, set the brakes and put him in it with some toys. "You may play here. I need do my job now." Sometimes he'd cry and I'd just have to steel my own emotions for a few minutes, complete a short task (about 3-5 minutes, which is a HUGE long time for this age, sometimes) and then comfort him.
What I found is that once he was contained and I was actively ignoring the screaming/crying, it gave him time to get interested in the object I had handed to him. Kitchen items, by the way, are a great on-hand novelty distraction. He learned, slowly, how to entertain himself this way.
Start with small deferments-- just put her off for one minute at the beginning. She needs to learn to trust that she can wait for a minute and then mom *will* pick her up. Once she becomes secure in that, even if she still cries-- once that's become the pattern for a couple of weeks, then you can lengthen the time it takes to pick her up, a bit at a time.
Also, do understand that neurologically, the baby (still a baby!) and toddler brains--even through preschool age-- are developing, and that little ones sense 'loss' or 'deprivation' as actual pain in their brains, which is why they respond the way they do. This is why this is a long-term teaching of expectations and boundaries. It won't happen overnight. Be patient and consistent. And of course, if a child is hurt or sick or genuinely upset, do not put them off.
At this age, too, your girlfriend might consider using an Ergo or other backpack-type carrier. I often wore my son a LOT until he was about 2 or so. Not so safe to do while actually cooking, but I've prepped a lot of meals when he was on my back. I also think that little ones like seeing the world from our height, so when your girlfriend's daughter gets older, a 'learning tower' type stool might help a lot, or moving her high chair to where mom is working at the counter. Just a few other ideas.
"she screams and cries and throws a fit until she picks her up "
She does it because she's getting payoff. She throws a tantrum, she gets picked up. Pretty simple. So, instead of picking her up, your friend needs to learn to offer alternatives to her picking the child up. A toy to play with. A crayon and paper. A hug (without picking her up) and some reassurance. Basically, a treat so she learns that she can be happy even when she's not being picked up.
Unfortunately, your friend has a tough road ahead, because she's instilled this bad habit in her child by picking her up when she screams.
Your GF is rewarding her behavior. Daughter cries and GF picks her up. So, any time daughter wants to be picked up, she will cry. The daughter has trained your girlfriend well!
Your GF needs to stop catering to the crying. When daughter cries to be picked up, GF needs to calmly tell her, "Mommy is busy and can not hold you right now. You can stay here by mommy and play with your toys while mommy makes dinner". Tell her to keep talking and paying attention to daughter, but do NOT pick her up.
Kids go through stages - yes this is a stage, but the little girl WONT work her way out of it if she continues to be catered to and picked up every time she cries.
Let her cry a while. Obviously she is going to scream and cry until she is puking then she'll cry some more. If she eventually gets what she wants she learns that she only has to cry to get it and she learns just where mom's boundary is.
I suggest you guys go to Love and Logic Parenting classes if you can find them. We've gone twice and each time we learned something new to try with my grandson.
I hope you guys can also consider having her evaluated for this. Not saying she has something wrong with her but an evaluation can often spot the reason for things like this because it's part of a bigger pattern. They can give you tremendous insight in how to address this with this particular child.
Has the child been checked by the doctor for reflux? Does she only cry when lying down? Check with your pedi to make sure that there isn't something physical going on. If it's a comfort thing (some babies need extra), check out ergo baby carrier or something like that where she can be worn.
If nothing is wrong, then she has gotten used to be picked up for everything and that needs to be shifted. Mama needs to make sure she doesn't need food/diaper/etc., and then give her hugs, loving, a toy, whatever and let her cry if the baby is fine and just wants her way. Now I am very much about talking to the child about what is going on so the child will learn and understand as they grow. Mama can say "you're ok sweetie; mama loves you. you need to play while I do my work and then we'll spend some time together". Now mama needs to follow up and spend the time so baby can trust that.
If baby's not talking yet, look into baby sign language and use that. Kids can understand language before they can speak. If she can tell you what she wants, that will also help in the future with tantrums.
Check out loveandlogic.com and call to see if there are classes in your area. Parenting classes may really help you both.
Good luck!
I agree with Reverend Ruby, but I'm not so sure you should start out by leaving the room. I would suggest putting her in the pack n play or play pen in the room you are in and eventually work up to leaving the room.
There is NO easy answer or any way to break this habit without the crying. She has been taught that if she screams and cries, eventually she will be picked up. So, she is going to scream and cry loud, hard and long, but you HAVE to just go about your business and ignore it the best you can. I don't think you have to ignore her - go ahead and talk to her, sing to her, whatever, but DO NOT pick her up until she has stopped screaming and crying.
Good luck! I'd also suggest some ear plugs!
This is a critical time for parents. It is when the child learns from us what we will and will not do, how much they can count on us, and where to get their strengths and independence.
It will be hard to do, but if she does not start now, she will be aiding in the non stop, unrealistic expectations of a child. Make sure she is dry, fed, and fully equipped with a toy of her favor, and walk away.
The GF will feel as if she is failing her in some way, which is why she picks her up. One because it gets her quiet, but also because she doesn't want her to feel like she will not be there when she needs her. This is not a realistic thought in children that young, who have parents who are always there. Even in bad cases, children love their parents unconditionally, as it is their nature as well as ours. So she needn't worry about her feeling abandoned or ignored. She needs to establish a need and a want in her daughter, and from that she will learn when mommy can't, and that mommy will if she needs.
This will be a process most people fail many times before they decide to just do it. She will cry nonstop, she will cry herself to sleep. It will be pathetic and cute, and sad, and overwhelming. But you will be right there, so she will know that you are there. Ask her to calm down, rub her back, but do not pick her up. Get her favorite movie in or a toy she likes to play with. But do not pick her up. Nurture her in all the ways you can, minus picking her up. She will eventually find ways to become more independent, so that your GF can get her work done.
my child did this at this age.. I cooked many dinners while holding a toddler. it will pass.
16 months is still a baby who craves/needs a lot of holding and cuddling. Maybe mom can try using a sling or carrier so she can get things done while meeting the baby's needs. I have found that babies get past this stage faster if they are tended to as opposed to letting them cry. If they know mom will hold them when they need her, they tend to feel more secure to explore and play on their own.
Most likely it's a separation anxiety phase.
As far as what everyone said below, you can't spoil a 16 month old.
At this stage, you can comfort & it will not spoil the child. That comes
much later.
It's okay to comfort the child but then put them in a swing in the kitchen or
a high chair while ou're cooking. Talk to the child.
Also, have her mention it to the pediatrician just to rule out anything else.
This stage will pass & soon.
Tell her to find ways to "work with it" instead of against it.
It's normal. It's called separation anxiety. And yes, she can feel separation anxiety EVEN WHEN Mommy is sitting RIGHT THERE NEXT TO HER. It's only a phase. You can't force it to end. You just have to be reassuring with her. You MUST be patient. Above all, don't be jealous.
When a child cries and screams and throws a fit to get what he/she wants --- the parent is teaching the child to cry and scream and throw a fit.
The best and yes hardest thing you and she can do is, get a pack n play or playpen and put baby in playpen and leave the room for a few minutes. Make sure she has a clean diaper, full tummy, toys to play with ect... and go in the kitchen and start dinner or do a few dishes or something, when the crying stops go check on her. She will learn how to entertain herself and start to become a bit more independent.
Soon both mother and daughter will be able to enjoy some independent time. Mom can study and baby can play. When my kids were little my kitchen was not condusive to having a little one crawling or playing in it while I made meals or cleaned up. So I would put the playpen in the doorway between the dining room and kitchen but in the dining room, the baby could see me and I could see him/her so I knew baby was safe and I was getting stuff done.
It will last as long as you are hesitating to pick her up - and longer if you make her wait. It is called separation anxiety. Look it up on Kelly Mom or other Mom-based sites (ignore Parents.com, they tell you to let your child CIO!)
good luck,
M.
