14 Year Old Son

My daughter had a lying problem. What finally worked was to be punished twice - once for the original bad deed and another separate punishment for lying.

Hi P.,

It sounds like your son likes to push everyone's buttons. By the way you wrote this I am assuming he has enough intelligence to know the difference between night and day, so it sounds like he's pushing buttons! I am not sure if you were using that example literally or figuratively.

I am positive that by him doing this, it gives him attention and a sense of control! My kids are younger but as you probably know they all go through stages in which they want to assert some kind of control over their own life, and can become quite argumentative about things that are obvious!

My son in particular would do this and if I kept trying to "prove" him wrong it only got worse. Finally one day I said; "That's it, it doesn't matter what I say, you just want to argue. If I say black you say white, if I say up, you say down, if I say hot you say cold...etc." Once I did this in a very calm voice he looked at me and said..."Do it again mom," so I'd say tall...he'd giggle and say "short", I'd say "black" he'd say "white" and it became a humorous way to dispel the power struggle going on. Now when an argument happens I start the game...it ususally helps, but not always.

Maybe your son won't buy into that at his age...I don't know. If your immmediate reaction is to punish him, it probably will only make it worse. He's still getting attention from you even if it's negative attention.

If I were in your shoes, I would try positive rewards for a while. If he can tell the truth about things for 3 days...I will take you to a movie. Or make pizza and play video games with you on Friday night...or take you and a friend swimming...whatever he looks forward to. If you have a calendar handy and if he can be positive and tell the truth for a whole day...give him some small reward, a favorite treat...etc. If he can do it for 3 days or more, make it bigger. And so on.

Just remember that old habits die hard. He will make a mistake and mess up. Reassure him he can start over again the next day.

Either way, please try not to shame him because this will damage his self-esteem, and he needs to feel good about who he is as a person, mistakes and all. IMHO, mistakes need not punishment, but simple correction and consequence, matter of factly and calmly. ex: he says it's light out, it's obviously not, ask him to call a friend or relative and ask the same question and see what they say and if more people say it's dark then he needs to accept that. Google it on the internet and ask him to read about light and dark, night and day, just so he's "clear"!!

You didn't really mention that he lies about more serious issues at this point so I am assuming this is small stuff. I'd say it's a call for attention from you and his step-dad.

Good Luck and let us know how it goes!

D.

Hi. My son was diagnosed at the age of 3 with ADHD. We went thru countless counceling sessions, sometimes I would go by myself just to try and learn to cope, and went through many different medications, but the only thing that seemed to really help him and thus us was structure. We live in a very small town, so I got to know each and everyone of us his teachers and we all worked together and we were always consistant with him. Everytime I moved or a major event happened in our lives, he would go through different things, ex. Lying, tantrums, aggression. Finally after 7yrs of figuring things out my son is completly off of medications, is mainstreamed in school and neither of us go to therapy anymore. The key to helping kids with adhd/add is STRUCTURE. You said you've recently got married, that is big. This is his way of acting out. Maybe he wants more of your attention, try and figure out a routine and spend more time with him.

Mother of 3 kids 10, 8 and 2months and married to the love of my life.

Dear P.,

I do not like to sound negative I always try to post on a much more positive side, however I had a relative who was a compulsive liar from early childhood. She went to school at age 10 and told her teachers her dad had a heart attack and was hospitalized (not true) she became so good at lying that you couldn't believe one thing she said. In her early teens she got into so much trouble, running away, drugs, hanging out with really bad kids. I would take him to a therapist to see if it is compulsive lying or just a behavioral issue that needs some strong discipline.

One other question. When he does something wrong do you immediately punish or do you tell him he has done wrong and give him a second chance? I am wondering if you punish for every little thing and he has now learned to lie to protect himself from constant punishment. Point I am making is are you picking your battles, while realizing that kids make mistakes that's how they learn. I am not at all dismissing bad behavior I am just saying make sure the punishment fits the crime. He may be feeling he can't win so he may as well lie. I am not an expert I am just going on past experience. As far as you saying things are black and he saying their white, I think that is normal teenage behavior for some kids. My son and I had the same relationship for a while. We couldn't agree on anything, its because we are so alike and both had to be right all of the time. I will tell you being right all the time is not what its cracked up to be. I had to learn to listen a little better. Teen years are very difficult, and stressful, there are many challenges ahead. If you think the lying is much more excessive then just normal covering himself up then get it checked out as I said it could be compulsive lying and needs treatment. I hope this helps. Happy Holidays

Hi P.,
Dealing with ADHD can be very tiresome. Is he on any medication? My son has ADD, he's now 24,
and I still see things that he says and does. Most people with ADD/ADHD don't feel as good as other people and they try and make themselves feel good about themselves by telling stories or lying. Their self esteem is not as good as others and they tend to draw friends that they feel they are above to make themselves feel better. Usually the friends they choose are not always the greatest of kids. When the lying comes in to play it seems that in a person with ADD/ADHD actions that they do they visualize it in their heads differently then someone without ADD/ADHD would. They often never see any thing they say or do as wrong and can often be confrontational (sp) to defend themselves. They work things out in their head so that no matter what they do they are never wrong. I think the best thing to do is to set limits and rewards. Don't give in. I know with ADD/ADHD that's hard because the kids try and wear you down all the time. Find out as much as you can about it and work with a therapist and your child so that you can do the best for him. I don't know if he's on any medication or how his school work is. My son, when he was younger, was on medication only during school days and it did make a difference with his focus and grades. He still was not the easiest with dealing with situations and unfortunately it's something that you don't out grow. Hopefully with counseling and patience and rules they will learn to realize their situation and help to improve it for themselves. I know teens are tough, I wouldn't want to have to raise teens again, but stick with it. They are really worth it. Also, try not to blame it all on the ADHD because it's all part of the terrible teens too. By being there with love, understanding and support that is the best thing you can do for your child. Good luck. I hope this has helped. D.

Hi P.,
Lying is one thing, saying "No, it's light out" if you say it's dark is arguing, not lying. What you are describing sounds like Oppositional Defiant Disorder and I would talk with your son's doctor about evaluating him for this. If he has this condition, these are the behaviors you'll see
If he's lying to try to keep himself out of trouble, I would suggest that when you punish for the wrongdoing, be sure to issue one punishment for the thing he did wrong, and a separate, BIGGER punishment for the lie. Or even let him get away with what he did wrong, telling him that the first time he does that wrong, you're counting it as a mistake to learn from but then punish him for lying about it. This may help him to see that the lying is getting him in more trouble.
Good luck!

First of all I would suspect drug use. ADHD kids tend to self medicate using pot, but when they are not high they are moody and defiant. Ruling out pot, it could be that he is not handling your new marriage well. Is his biological father in the picture? Does your son feel you have replaced his father? Kids this age are a handful without having additional problems that your son seems to be facing.
If he lies about little things I would overlook it. Save any punishment for big lies. But have a talk or two with him about how important it is that you trust him and you can't trust him if he isnt honest with you. His lying could be a form of independence also.

To fix a problem one needs an idea of the cause...so I can only guess what your son's history was.

His Dad...what happen to him and how did this loss effect your son.....for an example...can cause feelings of abandonment. How old was your son when his step Dad came into the picture and how did that effect your son...for an example, resentment and fear of lossing Mom's attention...maybe even being abandoned again...
Also, you had these same changes in your life while caring for your son. Although young children know something is happening, they don't really understand where they stand in it all......how much of your reactions has he pick up on and didn't understand during those changes in your life.

So maybe your son is reacting from a lot of inner childhood issues and if thats the case, he needs to work it all out. My suggestion is get the boy into therapy with a good therapist....maybe Family therapy...

I also tend to think it can't hurt if you and his step dad spend special alone time with him...doing things the boy enjoys as well as time being together as a family.

Talk more with your son...listen...allow him to express his feelings....try to be objective and supportive as you would with one of your girlfriends while talking to him..

When he does his lieing stuff....like saying it's day when you say it's night, stay calm and hold him accountable for what he is saying. Say to him...."That's not exceptable, would you like to try your statement again?"
You might also want to explain to him that consequences comes along with lieing...that it not only hurts himself but the people around him. Let him know you love him, and think he is bright and wonderful and expect more from him then that...

I wouldn't come down to hard on him as I think that would only make his behavior worse....give therapy a good chance as I tend to think this will help him....

Does he lie to get an advantage, so you won't nag him about school or to go out with friends you don't approve of? Or just lie for the heck of it, do his lies seem to have no advantage for him and he seems compelled to deny the truth? For the first, I would see if there are areas in his life where you can help him feel empowered, more in control of his own life. If he can win some freedom and control by being honest, it might help him stop lying.

For the second, seek the assistance of a therapist. There are compulsive liars and he might need some professional assistance.

HI P.
ADHD kids are fun but you have to have fun with them. They can succeed but you have to believe that. I don't know where your son is or the spectrum that you are working with. ADHD means alot of things to alot of people.
My suggestion is to focus and look for the good. I guess what struck me and made me write was your example. I used to use that example with our son. But I didn't say he was lying, and for that matter I didn't say he was arguing. In fact, a good friend who was 10 or more years my senior when I was looking for answers heard him and said "he is debating what you said" From then on he was always debating because I could then respond with positive thoughts and energy no correction.
It not only increased our relationship because I stood for what I believed and taught him to do the same without being the heavy discipline person that comes with thinking they are lying or arguing. When I went to 6th grade teacher conference, she said he likes to argue. I said "yes, arguing a case in the debate of life" It turned her attitude and the teacher could stand because they seemed to understand that. Maybe it will work, maybe you have to find what works, but I know calling them lying makes them lie.
Just so you know --- today he is a lawyer, writing contracts for the US gov., married 7 years, and has our only grandbaby, a son 4 mos. old-- you couldn't ask him to be a better husband and father.
My prayer for you is that you too find the answer to open his path to success and freedom be the person he was meant to be.
God bless you and your new family
K. SAHM married 38 years ---- adult children 37, 32, and twins 18 who are in college this year.

Hi P.,

Is your son seeing a psychiatrist? I'm sure that you already know that ADHD needs both medication and the treatment of a psychiatrist. There is probably more to the story than just lying, there may be something else. As someone in the mental health profession, it is important to get the insight of a trained professional.
I wish you and your family many blessings.