14 Year Old, How Can I Help Her with Lunch Table at School

Yep, this is a real bummer. Starting a new school at that age is really hard. My best suggestion is to have her ask someone if she can sit with them BEFORE the actual lunch period. That way they can save a seat for her so she's not stuck next to people who won't talk with her. My kid has had a number of people ask her if they could sit with her. It wasn't awkward or anything like that. One way or the other, she needs to put herself out there to get in with a particular group.

I suggest she needs to keep sitting with the girls who ignore her. It's awkward, I know. Once they notice she's always there I think they will start including her.

Choose a group in which she knows some girls. Walk confidently to the table and sit in the middle. One saying that has helped me is "to fake it til you make it."

As Dee Dee suggested, pick a group in which she knows one girl and ask ahead of time to sit with her. I still do that when I feel a bit intimidated.

Does she have a friend or two that she might like to hang out with outside of school? Getting to know some girls one on one would make that lunchtime seating arrangement thing feel more natural.

I’m sorry she’s having a rough time. Are the friends she’s made through sports around at her lunch hour?

Does she sketch? My daughter is artistic and sometimes when she’s doodling it would catch someone’s attention and draw them into conversation. I also think having a good book to read is a great suggestion.

This age is hard. One thing I told my daughter frequently was that even the most seemingly confident person is insecure about something. Maybe she can notice if some other girls are sitting alone and befriend them?

I’m sorry she’s having a hard time with the move. Maybe speaking to a counselor or life coach or mentor of some kind would be helpful?

Middle school is a big time for transition for everyone whether they've known each other a long time or not.
There's not much you can do - middle school kids are gradually figuring this stuff out for themselves.

I'm supersized kids don't have to stay in the cafeteria during lunch.
Our sons high school didn't let them wander around or leave school - it's a security hazard.
My son always sat with a large group of boys - and they were all trying to get their homework done as much as possible after gulping down their lunch (watching teen guys eat is scary).
There's only about 3 months of school left before summer so she's made it through this far.

Perhaps she can get together with classmates and work on homework.
Kids love getting most of it done so they have less to do after school.
Also if she brings a good book with her - she can read.

I know it is so hard when our kids face these kinds of social struggles. Lunch can be so hard at this age. I second the idea of having her increase her social contacts outside school hours to get to know the kids better. For example, maybe she can ask someone to go study at Starbucks.

Just glancing back through your questions, this has come up before and at different schools.

Do you think it might be worth her seeing a counselor a couple of times?

She's obviously upset by it and a counselor could work though ways for her to make friends to have lunch with. Sometimes kids just don't listen to parents and we aren't the best at coaching them.

at 14 your daughter should be figuring how to handle relatively ordinary social situations like this without her mom 'helping' her.

she has a friend, but doesn't want to sit with her because of the gross boys. other girls aren't jumping out of the seats to welcome her. oh well.

being ignored isn't any fun, but it's also way better than being bullied which is what i was expecting.

it sounds as if your daughter expects all the other kids to do all the work of making her feel welcome. it would be great but life isn't always great.

she has choices. she can sit with her friend and ignore the gross boys. she can sit with the other girls and take it upon herself to make friends with them. the 'unwelcoming looks' are probably more perception than fact, but even if they're happening she can overcome them by taking the initiative and opening a cheerful conversation. if she's an introvert that's hard to do, but what a useful life skill.

or she can take a book and sit alone. who knows? maybe other introverts will be thrilled to see this and sit there quietly with her and their own books.

it sounds as if she may be very used to her mother negotiating her social situations for her and that's why she's so put out at this one not being easy. but as a young teen it's time for her to figure out her own coping techniques. help her become independent of you.
khairete
S.

Your daughter wants to be with a group who does not want her. She is being mean to a girl who wants her friendship. Your daughter's hands are not clean.