My daughter is 13 years old. She is very much like her father-smart, patient, attractive, loving...everything that a mother could ask for! I have always been honest with her and have used many settings as a learning opportunity. She loves her family, does what we ask her to, gets along great with her brother... She loves spending time with us and loves school... she seems confident and mature. Here's my issue: she has little/no close friendships. She is not part of a group and chooses not to be. I work at her school, so i don't see that she is being picked on. She confirms this (kids say she is very nice). They talk to her, sometimes she will spend the day or evening at someones house, but that's usually as far as it goes. She says, she doesn't like hanging with most girls because she is not into what they are into, or shes not particularly fond of their personalities or other friends. (My daughter feels 13 is too young to be chasing boys and she doesn't like talking about other kids). Sometimes she will admit in a group setting (church w/ kids from school) no kids talked to her and she felt ackward. She says 'she just doesnt know what to say to them'
Should I be concern about her lack of close friendships? should I kind of force her to be more social or just let her be?
Sounds like a perfectly normal and healthy introvert. She will find the people that she needs to connect with over time, and at her choosing.
Sounds like a great kid. Not everyone is a social butterfly. She will learn how to navigate this road. If she is happy in her life, and she sounds like she is, let her be. Enjoy the fact that you have a nice girl.
I don't think concerned is the word but this is definitely noticeable behavior, only because all the young women we are probably used to seeing and being around in this society are prissy silly immature demanding talkative self centered girls who grow up to be prissy silly immature demanding talkative self centered women/wives/moms/coworkers/neighbors etc etc. And Lord knows we have too many of them in this world already!
Whatever makes kids true to themselves in their teens, is what their peers will admire and even seek out later on, especially in college and beyond. Respect and appreciate that she already knows her boundaries and limits. Most young women don't and that's what gets them in trouble the most. Support her by letting her make her social choices. Don't let her be a hermit where she doesn't know how to get along with other people, but let her know how much you appreciate her strength.
Let her be.
You say she's not "into" what the other kids are into.... But what is SHE into? Maybe look at some non-school related groups that she could be a part of to develop that sense if community. For example, if she likes animals... Why not find a shelter where she can volunteer?
I have the same concern with my son, but have realized that he's just a happy introvert. I actually asked some professionals about it, and whether I should be concerned, and they said absolutely not. He's well liked, and has friends, but like your daughter, he 'chooses' to be more solitary.
I think if your daughter was being excluded or was unhappy there would be reason to be concerned, but if it's her choice and she's well adjusted, then it's perfectly fine. It's often more upsetting to parents (especially moms) than to the child, who doesn't know why we worry.
My sister's child was similar at that age, and by high school had a group of 5 really close friends (with similar interests) and they are still super tight now as adults. I've heard that from quite a lot of moms - that kids just need to find their niche where they can just be themselves.
Let her be, she sounds perfectly contented the way she is. Be proud of yourself and enjoy her. You done good mama.
Let her be.
What are her interests? Hobbies? Activities?
She needs to find kids who like what she likes.
My daughter was in to music. Her friends came from band -- and still do. Give her time.
She sounds exactly! like my 13 yo daughter. And you know what? She's ok. She is ok with who she is. She has one friend whose mother and I have talked about how they both say they are friends but don't really talk to each other all that often. But, DD said, we know we are friends. Unless SHE is unhappy with her social life I wouldn't try changing her - you cannot force an introvert to be more social. I encouraged DD to join group things like track and yearbook committee. She is part of things on her own terms.
My 19 year old son was almost exactly the same way. He was such a sweet and good kid, and he was more mature than most kids his age. Other kids liked him and it used to perplex me why he wasn't more engaged. But now that I look back I'm glad he was the way he was. He has turned out to be a wonderful young man.
He was very athletic but once he started homeschooling in 10th grade he got into performing arts and really blossomed. He found his "tribe."
I'd let her be, and not create worry over it yet. If you want to do anything at all help her to find her tribe - people that are like her.
Sounds like you have a gem! Girls her age can be so catty and ridiculous. I saw some of my sons' classmates turn into real divas.
Don't force her to be something she is not. She will find her way. As you said, she is into things that the other kids are not. Her IQ may be a bit above what the average group is all about. As for chasing boys, she is smart to wait and to concentrate on her studies.
Not everyone has a ton of friends. Most of the time they are acquaintances rather than good friends. Besides, she will not be caught up in the drama of the tweens/teens.
I was kind of like her. I had other interests that were more important than the boy scene. I was one of the last of the group to get married. Timing was not there. When it is time for her to find someone she will.
Let her be herself and enjoy her life. Let her smell the roses and feel the grass between her toes and the breeze across the ground. She is experiencing life in her terms. She will be alright.
the other S.
Is she happy? That's the question. I was a bit like that when I started 7th grade...I didn't know many people because my jr. high was so large that many of the kids I knew from elementary were in different classes.
By 8th grade, things changed a lot. I started hanging out with a paticular group and I became a lot more social. Has she always been this way or is this new?
Give it a little time. She'll probably find other kids who are like her that she clicks with.
Is she an introvert? My sister has a handful of friends that she's known since HS and is a happy, well-adjusted grown person. It is hard when you are an introvert (small talk is horrible). I would ask her if there are any activities she wants to try (maybe something on a smaller scale where there's an activity to keep them occupied). But I wouldn't force it.
Okay, she is being HERSELF, and she seems to KNOW herself... VERY well. She knows, WHO she, is.
THAT IS GOOD.
She is not a "follower" nor a "copy-cat" kid.
GOOD for her.
My daughter is similar.
But she CHOOSES her friends, very well per how she is and she knows about personalities, very well.
So I am, proud of her.
I can trust her own, instincts.
Your daughter is happy and seems fine, with herself.
That is GOOD.
And anyway, how many friends, is a 13 year old supposed to have, anyway?
There is no rule on that.
And a 13 year old does not have to chase after boys.
And yes, many girls that age, are icky/superficial/drama filled/sassy/and just so frivolous. When I was that age, I DID NOT like hanging out with girls like that, just to be one of the masses. I had my own, friends and hung out with them, when/if I wanted to.
Your daughter will learn to talk to others.
I was shyer when I was younger.
Then in college, BAM, I was not.
And I was socially fine.
It was my, choice.
Or, your daughter, per HER interests, can join a hobby group or club or activity group. Then, probably, like minded kids/girls will be in it too.
And nothing is wrong with being more introverted.
Kids do not have to be, gregarious.
Just like adults, right?
All personalities, exist.
Don't compare.
You can't FORCE her, to have friends.
Don't make her feel like something is "wrong" with her.
If you do, you will make her... feel inadequate.
But she is not, inadequate.
She is her.
You are not her.
Let her know and be, herself. Along the way, she will blossom.
She is so young.
she sounds mature. and that she sees the other girls are immature.. I was similar.. I turned out fine. if she was at home crying saying she was lonely.. that would be a problem.. but sounds like she is happy and can socialize with her peers..
"No one talked to her and she felt awkward." So, she is hurting from it. Find her an outlet where she can not be the 'odd' girl--group golf lessons where the girls are her age, group swim or tennis lessons, etc.
Good luck. My (early 20s) son was never a social butterfly and I hear his pain when he emails me--"another boring weekend..."
Ask her if she is unhappy that she lacks close friendships. Listen to her answer. Involve her in at least one group activity that focuses on something she enjoys. Other than that, she will have to find her own way. Anyway, she sounds really well-adjusted.
