My 12 year old daughter read parts of the book 50 Shades of Grey after her Kindle broke and she asked if she could use mine. She purchased a book about Neverland and Peter Pan told in a modern way, but somehow must have looked through my books and found the 50 Shades of Grey. She is a straight A student and is very sweet and respectful. I monitor what she reads and if a book is in question, I read it myself to see if anything inappropriate is in the book before she is allowed to read it. YOU Tube is blocked on our computer and parental controls are installed. She has her own email account, but it is attached to my account and I am able to see every email she receives as well as what she sends. She uses my cell phone to text her friends and knows that I am allowed to read any text she sends or receives. The texts are very innocent and are usually a lot of heys and "i'm bored". I found out she had been reading the 50 Shades book when her best friends mom called me and informed me that her daughter had brought it up at the dinner table. Her mother was extremely kind about it and let me know that my daughter had told her daughters about a sex scene from the book. I was so shocked all I could do was apologize and tell her that I had purchased the book after seeing it on the best sellers list and on several book club reading lists. I stopped reading it midway and after looking at my kindle my daughter must have read it from midway to the end. I have always told my daughter that sex is a gift between a man and a woman. I do not even know how to approach this, what to say to her or to her friends mom. After rereading the book last night to see what she was exposed to, I don't even know if she needs to go speak to a professional. The book is that explicit. I am very upset that I brought the book into our home and even more upset that I left it on my Kindle where she was able to read it. I do not know why she went through my books and if she had picked any other book I would not have been as shocked as I am now. If anyone could please help me I would appreciate it as I do not want her to be damaged in anyway by this.
It's not going to damage her.
The only thing you need to address is her need to learn discretion in choosing topics for dinner conversation.
Just be honest.
"I heard you had read part of 50 shades of Gray. We need to have a conversation about what you read. " Have her tell you what she read. Allow her to use the owrds etc.
Once she tells you what she read, time to be honest that this is really still a grown up subject. if it had been a movie she would not have been allowed to read it. You wish she had asked permission to read any book on your Kindle before she read it.
When you have this conversation, be very calm and matter of fact. It will also keep her calm.
Once you speak about this, end it with.. This subject is something you and I can have, but this is not something I want to you to share with anyone else/ The reason is other parents, need to be able to speak with their children about these things, when they are ready.
At 12 I had a cousin hand me "The Godfather" to read.. She of course had it open to the most salacious portions of the book. I read a few of the passages and knew ( I do not even know how) what it was talking about.
I never shared this with anyone.. Just thought about it.. And thought my cousin was one of those "silly girls". This did not make me a pervert or a fast and loose, woman.. But my mother had always been very open about our bodies and relationships and had made it easy to speak with her about these things. I just did not get into this type of thing at the time/
Communication is a wonderful thing.. Stay calm and strong, but be honest with your daughter. Let her know she is still young and no need for her to have this info at this point.
Finish reading the book so you know what she read.
Then bring it up while she is helping you with dishes or something that is casual. Be calm about it and talk about it open and honestly.
She is the age where she might be beginning to wonder about sex. That could be why she read it... or maybe she had heard all the hype about it also and was curious about it also.
Now that she has read it.. talk to her about it and be honest. Answer her questions open and honestly.
There is nothing to be ashamed about.. sex is a normal thing amongst two people who love each other.
Then I would remind her that she should not have gone into your personal books since you were doing her a favor by letting her use your kindle.
My friends and I managed to get our hands on some books that were even more explicit than shades of grey, and this was in the days before explicit cable tv and internet.
We were curious, that's all, and it didn't cause me any harm. If anything it made me even more terrified of boys and sex!
I would just remind your daughter that the stuff on your kindle is your property, and she needs to ask before accessing it. Also talk to her about what she read, this is a teachable moment for sure, but only if you approach it with an open heart and mind.
This is a rite of passage. I remember being about that age (give or take a year or two), and the big thing was to get ahold of a copy of Judy Blume's "Forever." Which of course is tamer than "50 Shades," but socially and developmentally, it filled the same function.
I don't think you did anything wrong by just having this book on your Kindle, and I definitely don't think your daughter will be damaged, but you're within your rights to tell her, A. She has no business looking through your stuff; B. This book is inappropriate for her age; and C. It is WAY out of line for her to share the content with her friends.
I think a mild punishment would be reasonable -- she crossed your boundaries by looking at your private stuff, and she crossed her friends' parents boundaries big-time. But she won't be damaged, and I don't think you need to consult with a professional on this account.
Just keep doing what you're generally doing -- you sound like a great mom.
At that age I was reading all kinds of smutty romance novels. I remember my grandmother taking away a danielle steel book from me and then I had to go check it out from the library. I found my mom's bedside sex book with illustrated drawings in second grade. I'm sure I learned a lot more from that book than my mother would have wanted me to know, but I definitely wasn't scarred. I guarantee you, she does not need to see a professional. And at age 12, all the conversation in school tended to be overly sexual. So she's not talking about anything that the girls haven't heard or talked about before. My only concern with her reading 50 shades is that it's BDSM. Wouldn't want her to hit her teen years thinking that she's supposed to want to be hit, controlled, submissive, etc.
This is a tough one. I would suggest that you take some time to let it sink in before you speak to her. There are two issues at hand.
First of all, she shouldn't have been looking at the other stuff you have on your Kindle. She should have asked before reading anything. I think you need to make it clear to her that she crossed a line when she did that. I wouldn't be allowing her to borrow it again.
Now for the biggest problem. I don't know if you need to have her see a professional unless she seems very confused or upset about what she read. I would explain that the book is a work of fiction, and that the activities described in it are not the norm for healthy, sexual relationships. Reiterate your family's viewpoints regarding sex ie (waiting until adulthood, waiting until marriage etc...) I would ask her what her thoughts are about what she had read, I would lecture her sternly to not discuss it with any of her friends ever again, and then I would drop it.
Oh my!! My daughter just turned 12 and I am half way through book 2 so I can feel for you!! I don't know if my DD would understand any of what she read if she did but I would sit her down and have her explain it to me in her words to see what she got out of it. I would then talk to her about how special sex is, and that this is a made up story and answer any questions she has about the book or about real life situations. I wouldn't get upset with her for reading it because like you, I monitor her email, text messages and the what not too. I would want to make the conversation comfortable in a way that she would be fine with coming to me about any issues be it boy friends or peer pressure as she is starting middle school in a week!!
You sound like a clam and level headed mom and I'm sure you'll handle this in a matter of fact like manner with her and all will be right with the world again :)
S.
I remember reading a book that had sex in it... seems like it was some kind of teenage romance book that my friend had, and we read it together. We were curious and it was all sort of awkward and confusing and embarrassing.
I would talk to your daughter about it. Tell her that you know that she read the book and that the content was not what you were ready for her to read.Then I would allow this to open up communication for the two of you about sex. It's really a great opportunity... tell her that you know that she talked to her friend about the book and that you'd really like it if she would come to you with questions so that you can make sure that she gets the correct information.
You've told her that sex is a gift between a man and a woman, but does she know what sex actually is...? If you can't talk to her openly about it, consider getting her a book that will help. There are a couple of American Girl books out there that are geared toward her age range. She can ready about the facts, on her own and talk to you about it if you both feel comfortable.
Personally I have not been one to keep information from my kids. I usually wait for a good opportunity and give them age appropriate information when it comes up or they ask. I feel like the more information kids have about "touchy" or sensitive subjects the better prepared they are. I don't think that this will scar your daughter in any way. But you have to get it together and talk to her. Your discomfort will do more damage than what she read... it's just a book. You are her Mom and she's depending on you for support and confidence.
Good luck
I wouldn't worry too much. I remember everyone passing around Judy Blume's Forever in 4th grade. So I was 9. We all read it under our desks during class. If I found out my daughter did that when she turns 9, I'd probably be all upset until I remember I did it and I'm fine... I think we're almost more worried about that stuff nowadays. I haven't read 50 Shades but she's older than I was when I read Forever. I would likely casually bring it up and say that the book is FICTION and really not how things work. I'm not sure if that's true but if the book is that over the top, it's probably fine to kind of brush some of it off.
When I was young I read all kinds of books. I would read just about anything I stumbled across and some of it was pretty racy. Far as I know I didn't turn out damaged from it. Now in high school my friends and I would write stories for each other that were about the friend and their current crush. They were pretty pornographic! We were pretty bad and I still have one that I read recently. Cracked me up since we were all virgins through high school. So I guess what I am saying is just because you read it doesn't mean you do it. At 12 she probably knows much more than you did at that age. Just remind her that the book is fiction and ask her if she has any questions about what she read. Be honest with her. Biggest of all: tell her she is not to repeat her "knowledge" to her friends. Relax, she will not be damaged, just a bit more "educated". Sigh.
That was about the age I learned about sex. My mom gave me a couple of sex-ed type books from the library that were very age appropriate and very boring. After that I found my older brothers Penthouse Letters magazines and read those. I found them much more educational. They did not cause me to run out and become permiscuous, and I certainly didn't need to speak to a professional. It is quite normal to be curious about sex at that age. As for the other mom, I'm sure she gets it. I have not read 50 Shades yet, but every other mom I know has, and they highly recommend it.
I stole tons of my grandmas romance novels, and some more dirty stuff my mom had around the same age. I also used to sneak in my moms room and check out her chip and dale playing cards with mostly naked guys on them, lol. I never suffered any permanent damage, its normal for kids that age to be curious about sex. You could look for a book about sex that is more age appropriate for her. I would also talk to her about 50 shades, as I understand it is about s&m, make sure she understands that is not what most people normally do, and that its not typical that people do stuff like that.
You've blocked Youtube? sounds like your abit over over protective. I remember when I was that age I put in what I thought was a Snow white & the 7 dwarves cartoon it was but the x rated version.
I think you need to sit down and have a better talk with her before someone decides to show her there are many versions of that "gift" and not all are man/woman . I'm curious why you bought the book if you did not finish reading it. I heard it was tame compared to other books out there. I think your daughter will be fine.
eh she's 12 she probably knew a lot more then you thought already or she would be shocked not J. telling friends.
My brother and I found explicit dirty joke books hidden away when i was 9 and he was 11, and we'd often pull them out and read through and we both were fine
Also i would hang with my brother and huis friends and they would all have their dads magazines out looking through
OH and the worst was in 7th grade the girls colected (unused obviously) condoms---i knew what they were for but never joined that hobby
My brother and I came across a porno when I was around that age...
Never told my parents...yet never told friends either. We still laugh about it to this day, but nothing happened to us. We're normal.
It goes to show you, it doesn't matter how careful and protective you are kids are going to find things like that or in your daughters friends case be told about them.
I would bring it up to her, just to see if she has any questions. But I would also let her know that while you did borrow her the kindle, you did not give her permission to look through her books. As while 50 shades is definitely not appropriate, there may be other books not appropriate for her either. And then I would add how it is not her place to go to her friends and share the information she read, as she was too young to be reading it to begin with.
Bring her to a professional? Oh... my... god!
I think she will be fine.
Because it IS against your rules, she SHOULD receive some sort of punishment for reading the book. She will, however, recover.
She knows what she did was wrong to look at the book. It sounds like your doing everything to protect her from accessing inapproperiate materials. When your daughter began reading this she knew what she was reading was wrong. When she went and told her friend about it (who wouldnt at that age) she also spread her wrong doing to her friend. I would have a heart to heart with her about whats wrong and whats right and why it was on your phone that you do not support the book. Then stress to her some things are for adults only, bills, liquor, sex, voting. Because its been proven that young children cannot handle the exposure and responsiblities that go with being an adult.
I have not read 50 shades but believe it deals with an abusive, controlling male figure? If so this topic also needs to be addressed on how men should treat women and how wicked this man and womans relationship is. I would also start teaching her about domistic violence and controlling relationships. We were all twelve once and I know I saw things I should not have seen. I think its normal to want to know or to try to find out. Rearch what God expects from a marriage and relationship (if your following God). Talk to her about what you expect from her, when she should have sex, if you havent already. Yes she is only twelve but she needs to know now before its too late. IDK if she needs therapy for what she read. I would talk to her and decide for yourself if she seems confused on what a healthy relationship is.
a professional??? shes 12 my goodness she will live. if you have talked to her about sex explain its just a fantasy book and leave it at that.
