my 12 year old attempted to change the master password on our xbox live! can anyone relate???
we have the xbox password protected so our boys can not accept friend requests or download new games without our approval. the idea of them playing games through the internet and speaking with total strangers held off our bringing the xbox into our house for at least a year. only after research and talking to other moms did i give in.
i thought i had that sucker locked down but i guess not!
so here is what happens... he's in the house alone.. i'm in the garden.
i start getting emails on my iphone... which was in my pocket.
he goes to his xbox and he requested that the admin password be reset... which generates an email and it gets sent out to the email address registered to the account... which is mine. he grabs our laptop, checks my email and accepts that a request has been sent... and resets it to a new password. Another new email is then sent saying that the password has been reset.
how do i know all of this? i was standing in the middle of my rose bed... following along on my iphone email. i have my email synced up with all of my apple devices. I saw the request come in... and the acceptance email come in.
then... my very own stupid criminal deletes the emails. i watch them disappear on my iphone. i guess he thinks i'll be none the wiser.
i can't follow his thought process here... wouldn't i find when i tried to log in with the old password? and he clearly didn't think about the email messages on my iphone.. he thought he was covering his tracks with the laptop.
i was livid to say the least. at myself for thinking i had the xbox locked down *completely* and ... mostly... for trusting him.
we've *never* had a problem with this boy. ever.
he's one of those old-soul type of kids that has never been in trouble.
i called my husband over to discuss strategy and he went inside to ask him for an explanation. i stayed outside this one time to let him step and be the bad cop.
when confronted... and still under the impression that he'd covered his butt... our son lied and lied and lied about what he did.
we've always told our two sons that if you tell the truth right away... the punishment with be slight. if you lie and not tell the truth... the punishment increases by ten-fold.
we are still undecided as to how to punish him...
but i guess my question is this...
how do you deal with the technology with your children... especially pre-teens? the passwords? what restrictions? is your house open policy? or do you have your computers/tvs completely set up with parental controls?
thanks in advance!
well ladies! thanks so much for all of your responses.
here is how we *had* everything set up... nothing electronic in our house had parental controls activated. i figured i'd probably have to do it someday.. that someday came yesterday.
we *had* an open policy with computers and game systems in regards to parental controls. the boys were very good about only going to disney sites, club penguin, the lego site, etc. i keep an eye on the "history" of each computer.
during the school year... they only play on friday after school and saturdays. sundays are our "brain day". school days... it's not even mentioned. they've had their electronic privledges pulled before... (for fighting, etc)
useage is and was controlled. the laptop was only used in the kitchen or in the living room and only while we were around. the xbox is locked down so that no one could not accept "friendships" from whomever they wanted. and he's gotten requests.. from total strangers. i just delete/block them. the idea that he could openly talk on a headset to anyone in the world about gave me a permanent twitch.
i have to put in the password in order for a "friend" to be accepted. my son would tell me who they were... one of his friends from school... i would text the mom to confirm that yes, her son is on xbox live, etc. he knows that i have to fully vet the person before i'll accept it. so now he had three school friends that he plays online and talks with. i've even called the mom when he's been online with them to kinda check that yes... they were actually online at the same time. (my son has no idea i've done that.)
once school is back is session... i'm all over that xbox and i'm going to redo/review the parental controls on it just to make certain i've got it set up right. when setting anything up... i've always used my email address so i am notified if anything changes.. if notification is done via email. this includes the app store on his ipod. even my husbands! i'm considered the i.t. person at our house and it's hard to stay ontop of it all.
we've had the safety talks, the computer safety talks. i'm doing my best here. our generation has is different with all of this technology.
so here's what happened... in front of him... i changed how the laptop is set up. it's an apple and you can set up multiple accounts. i'm the admin and i have both boys set up with their own account. apple was so smart to put this feature in their os. i have control over what apps they have access to. i gave them access to a browser but only i can list what websites they go it. when they go off site... the browser gives them a "not found" page. i've scaled both of them back to almost nothing. not to punish both of them but my my youngest is like... whatever. he's too young to have this make an impact on him and he'll be used to it.)
as the school year progresses... i will add websites that my son needs for research, etc.
within their accounts... i've also set up when the computer can be used. no sneaking in the middle of the night... trying to stay three steps ahead!
i log off, they log in. it's pretty sweet set up. should have done it a year or two ago.
i've activated the restrictions on his itouch. i've changed the passwords on just about everything... including my iphone. the ipad is restricted now as well.
tomorrow.. .the television gets it. i just haven't gotten around to it yet.
i stomped around and told my son how much work this just created for me... etc. i told him that with the parental controls... notifications are sent out when he does *anything* that's not allowed. i went on and on about i can't trust him anymore and this is why i have to do all of this.
we had the talk about the lying and the mistrust. which is the worst crime, in my opinion.
we are taking away the privledge of using anything electronical (is that a word?) for a month. this is everything... the ipod, the computer, and worst of all... the xbox. he can use the computer for school work. he'll get full access back for good behavior. his younger brother still has access to it... having his brother being able to play makes the punishment that much more sour, i've found.
we have not taken the controllers away. we are leaving them there as a temptation. he needs to show us he can leave it alone as a way of building back trust.
and the cherry on the sundae... he is going to confession at our church in a couple of hours. that's for the lying to his parents.
he has extra chores to do as well.
i feel like the wicked witch of the tech.
but it had to be done.
thanks again! (sorry for being long winded)
ps... being a little techie and nerdy myself... i am a so proud that the little turd got as far as he did trying to outsmart the password control. he is pretty smart... and it's my job to make sure he uses his "power for good and not evil"! i've already come up with a way around it myself and i'm working that out in my head. repeat after me... three steps ahead! three steps ahead!
reminds me of the time he outsmarted a timed farmville-like game on the ipad... he planted some veggies and had to wait six hours to harvest them. he went into settings and moved the system clock ahead six hours. it totally worked. :)
I think I would have put the xbox away for changing the password, but since he lied I would probably sell it to teach him a lesson. Selling the xbox seems harsh, but in today's world kids have to learn at a young age.
At 12, he should know better. This definitely displays some severe dishonesty. I would ground him off of the xbox for at least a month, if not sell it completely.
In this case, Its hard for me to decide which is worse, the sneaking around and changing the password and then trying to cover it up or lieing about all of it. Both are indicitive of deep deep dishonesty. (And I'm not saying he is a bad kid, just that he slipped and made a bad and potentially very costly mistake.) This is a case of poor judgement and he is at the stage in life where he has to learn to make good judgements.
I would punish him for each offense separately. One punishment for endangering the family with outside garbage (viruses) and outside people that may use the information to harm the family.
One punishment for lieing about it to your husband.
In all of this I wouldn't tell him HOW you found out. Just let him wonder. If he doesn't know, his "friends" cannot tell him how to get around it.
Good luck to you and yours
For one, I'd take the xbox. Even if you have to plug it in every time you need to use it. My DH took the cords to SS's game systems when he was in trouble. Take it for a long time. Don't even let him watch when others use it.
For two, I'd give him something else to do. You have a garden, right? Weeds need to be pulled? Or maybe wash all the cars or something else long and away from all media.
I'd be livid that not only did he change the password but he lied about it. I'd be more angry that he lied. I'd also make sure all the kids knew that you do keep tabs on them and you have multiple ways of finding out about things.
And I'd lock the laptop at all times when you are not using it.
I like the idea of treating each offense separately.
Oh, and it wasn't til SS was an adult that DH told him just how he knew that SS had blocked all the light from his door to stay up late. Til then it was just "daddy magic".
If it wasn't for the fact that the rest of the family uses the xbox, I would consider selling it.
If you have a router, look into what protections you can put on the network that way too.
I think the x-box will look lovely in the garden with a begonia growing out of it.
:)
Kids are smart. That's not a bad thing. When they use their intelligence for evil purposes, that's another thing. (I don't mean EVIL in the truest sense of the word by any means in this case).
I am a true believer that our kids need to know we always figure out their tricks. I'm a single mom so I had to be pretty diligent.
I would let your son know that you let him have the x-box based on certain conditions. HE does not have a say in what those conditions are.
Whether he likes it or not..
The x-box can disappear at any time.
Your son is 12. He can live without his x-box for a while, especially since he lied to you about it.
Take the x-box away for a week. Don't cave in.
He can play by your rules or not play at all.
Messing with parental controls only signals that he was wanting to do something he shouldn't because otherwise, he could have just asked you.
AND, if he knew you would say no.....and that's why he did it.....
Time for a break from the x-box.
Just my opinion.
I have so many friends who regret ever even bringing one into the house.
It should be a privelege in whatever limited capacity you allow him to use it.
If that's not good....there's always the flower garden.
Best wishes.
Not quite there yet, my son is going on 9 and still adheres to our passwords and game rules. But I will say my gut instinct for consequences to such a crime is that the XBox is taken away for an indeterminate amount of time -- at least a month, maybe longer. Maybe forever??
I would take it away for a month. Something severe so he really GETS IT.
I'm just getting to the point with my kids that I will have to put parental controls on my moms computer at HER house because she doesn't watch them closely enough when they are there and she lets the computer babysit them.
We have parental controls on our cable box, a few channels blocked and ALL channels blocked from 11pm to 6:30am so they can't get up and watch tv when we don't know about it.
Good luck!
Our son is 8 and this hasn't been an issue (yet!) but if the punishment should fit the crime and you are 100% sure HE did it--no xbox for awhile, right?
We had a similar incident not to long ago with my son and a neighbor kid. They wanted to download something on xbox and my son had no idea how to do it, the neighbor kid did. They had asked multiple times to do it and I said no wait until dad gets home (dad was out of town for a couple of days with work). Needless to say they did it anyway, of course what they didn't know was that it would come up on our e-mail.
Once I saw this on e-mail, asked if they did it, they both lied. So, I went to the neighbors (we are friends) and told her what happened. We grounded him from xbox for 2 weeks and believe me that did it for him. He didn't like being grounded from it for that long. It's never happened again.
Being an "old-soul" type who was never in trouble after the age of 7 (my Dad spanked and i didn't want one!) I have to tell you, we can be the sneakiest type of person around, seriously. I wasn't bad, per se, just sneaky to get my own way. Granted, we didn't have computers or anything technologically advanced, but as an example I used to get dropped off for football games and dances in from of my hs, leave for a few hours with friends, come back, find out the score or what songs were played and meet my Dad to go home. I would leave school during the day and write notes to excuse myself (I could forge my Mom's signature perfectly from 9th grade up, and (I am so embarrassed) I even had a reputation among the students for being able to write notes and kids I didn't even know would come up to me and ask and I would write them notes to get excused from PE, or school. (I never was bright enough to charge, though.) I even knew who worked what periods in the office to have them remove my name from attendance lists, so my "ditching" wasn't caught. As I got into my 20's I was really sorry I'd taken advantage of situations, not to hurt anyone but to do my own thing, but it was so wrong.
So, my point being, you HAVE to stay 3 steps ahead of your wise son in this day and age, he's too smart and left to his own devices he could become a good hacker. And feel no guilt about it, scary and not good.
Our house and that of my grandkids, no open policy with preteens and young teens, will more than likely change at 16. Computer in the room where everyone can see, no access to laptops unless they're on the kitchen table in front of an adult, I'm friends on Facebook with my grandson who's almost 13, so's his Dad, parental controls on all gaming devices, passwords on everything.
So, change all your passwords, don't allow him to use computers or gaming devices without an adult present, if you're busy, oh well. And if my little guy (now 28 months) ever does what yours did he's off every computer, smartphone, and gaming device for one full month, and not going anywhere but to school and to church ; )
You don't tell them the passwords. Why would he need you email password anyway?
As for punishment , the xbox would disappear for at least a month.
When needing to ground kids from video games, we found it was simplest (I couldn't stand the idea of unplugging everything and figuring out which cords were which and what plugged into what) to simply take the controllers. I would put them in dh's car so they would be there when he drove to work and thus impossible to get, or else he'd take them to work and put them in his desk if it was a long term thing.
I would take the controllers so your son could not access any of the games, and then tell him he needs to earn your trust back. Explain to him the value of being trustworthy (in just a few years he'll be able to have a part-time job). Accessing your private email on your laptop is really the most serious offense here, I think. Secure your laptop. If your son gets an allowance or has any money, use it to buy a keystroke logger or super secure computer family protection system. Change your email password immediately. Treat this as though your identity has been stolen. And show your son how annoying and time-consuming this all is. Don't do it at night when he's asleep.
Tell him that when he has proven (and that doesn't mean saying that tonight he'll do the dishes and does them, but it means that over a period of time, like several weeks, you have seen nothing to imply that he is not true to his word) that he is worthy of being trusted that he can have the controllers back.
He would lose privileges on xbox and computer for at least three months for attempting to change password. He would be weeding the garden until it is covered in snow (well maybe not that long in NC) because of lying. I would probably sell it but you have other children to contend with and they will learn what not to do from big brother very quickly.
Stand tough and stand firm on this. He is going into that time when he doesn't think it is a big deal to be honest.
As I have told my children there may come a time in life that your life depends on what you say to me and if I can't believe you you may not live.
Good luck to you. I know the beginning of the teen years.
The other S.
PS Have you other neighbors that need work done? I would hire him out.
.
I like Mom of 4's suggestion, however, I'm guessing its more than this son playing so you probably just can't sell it outright from your other child(ren).
Maybe your son could lose access to the computer also. Outside of needing it for school? And/or perhaps you need to put a password protection on the computer too.
Well, you've 'never' had a problem with this boy before, and 'he's one of those old-soul types that has never been in trouble'....
Then WHY would you not trust him to play on-line games in the first place?!
I ask because I have two boys JUST like that (now 19 and 17) who've been playing on line games via Xbox and the computer for YEARS, and we've never had any problems whatsoever.
:)
Here's how you punish him. Take the game system away! Our kids aren't that age yet, but I would do as you've done and make everything with parental controls.
My daughter is only three so this is a non issue right now. I am sure we will get there.
For punishment, Grounded from the X-Box, one week for changing the pass word and add a day for every time he lied about not doing it and he has to help you garden. :) Ok, that last one may not work, but it's a thought.
Ughh I wish I knew an answer for you, since no one has told you how to fix the problem or what the rules are in their house.
No computer of any kind (except for homework) for at least one (solid) month. If he does it again, two months (an so on)!
Blessings.....
I agree he should lose the use of the xbox for a long time. a month or more sounds fine. You might think about putting it away and waiting till the first report cards come out in school to decide if he has earned it back. Might not be too bad an idea for the others too. And you can tell the siblings its because of deceit and lying that they are ALL losing the use of xbox. The pressure from siblings can be so much that he will learn a great lesson, and so will they.(killing 2 birds with 1 stone) But I do have to say, as sneaky and wrong as it was for him to change the passwords, and deleat the emails, you might want to tell him how proud you are that he actually knows how and figured out how to do all that. It shows he is smart, and thinking in a technological way and will probably do well in the world were everything is computerized. It sure shows how smart he is, but still misguided and young. Gotta love him.. but punish him for the lying.
Edit to add,, Jennifer S pointed out that none of us have given you any tips on how to solve the problem, but I think you were already doing a lot of the safety measures available and they all worked. When he went on to change the password, you recieved the call on your phone which was with you. He may have deleated the emails but I bet they are in your "recently deleated" file now. So you are already doing a lot to protect your kids from the bad stuff online, but it doesnt stop kids from trying.
