11 Yr. Old Additude Problem

First, I think part of the daughter's problem is too much chaos in her life. I've heard of a program called Total Transformation that is suppose to change a child's attitude in one minute just by what you say to her. I think it would be worth a try. Here's the number to call 1-800-259-1840. Good Luck.

She might be feeling left out, coming into the family full of babies must of been very hard for her. She might be needed some one on one time with you.

Ok.. and please don't take offense to this.. but the thing that stood out most to me in that paragraph was "She has been yelling BACK at me full force as if I were her peer." If she's yelling BACK at you, maybe you should re-think your stance in how you are dealing with her. Perhaps some Mother/daughter counseling would help. I don't know if you've ever raised a teen.. but this is just the tip of the iceberg and it truly only gets worse as she gets older.

My oldest daughter is 9 and will be 10 in a few months. I've noticed emotional changes in her --- gets upset quicker, responds to me with anger when it's time to clean her room, do chores, homework, etc.
Together we went to the bookstore and bought "The Feelings Book: The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions" by Lynda Madison. It's targeted to girls age 9 and up. I highly recommend it for girls in this age range.
In addition to reading the book with her, I've also discussed with her how her outbursts hurt the feelings of others. I've seen improvement - although this is an ongoing process. I'll keep you posted on the outcome.

Dear N.,

I have a 10 year old and have also bought the book "you and your body" for my 10 year old. we have read it together and to my surpirse i learned more from it then i have going through that stage of my life as well. At this stage in thier lives thier bodies are changing. thier hormons are changing and they are starting to have the up and downs that comes along with these changes. I have explained to my daughter that when she acts out by yelling and screaming and not just at me and her father but her brother and sister it makes us not want to be around her. When she get to the point that she is way out of controll and wont listen to me or my husband we send her to her room for some time just for her. when she has calmed down we going and talk to her as her PARENTS then as friends. This stratage has helped her to realize that when seh is getting out of controll with her out burst that she is starting to go to her room own her own until she can be civil to the rest of the family again. It has taken about 2 months for this to sink in for her. Before we end our conversations in her room we ALWAYS make sure that she knows we love her but her behavior is not acceptable in our family or in our home.

N.:

I am in almost the same boat as you are. I have a 10 and a half year old daughter who lived with her father for 5 years after our divorce. We also have a 11 and 8 year old together and I have a four your old from a previous relationship. My 10 year old finally moved back in with me and thought she can disrespect me as she did her father. Which included yelling at me, mumbling, trying to order me about, trashing her room ect... At first I put up with it thinking if I disiplined her she may try to go back to her father and I did not want that. But after I saw her attitude was rubbing off on my 8 year old I put a stop to it. I set boundries. If she started her attitude I took away any privledges such as her golfing lessons. She loves to golf, or her phone, friends, tv, music etc...After about the 5th time of me grounding her from these things she finally got the picture that I control the house not her. She still tries it, but I nip it in the bud before it gets to bad.

If you allow her to think that her attitude is ok then she will continue and use it when ever she wants something. Stop and think of how your other children will obsorbe this. You are not failing her if you are guiding and disiplining her with in reasonable means. She is old enough to know that this is not acceptable behavior and you are the parent and will correct it. it is hard going from one household to another and having a different set of rules, but she will adjust.

My older daughter lives with my ex and his wife and I have the 10, 8, and 4 year old in my home. I understand it is hard, and you have a bumpy ride, but in the long run it will work out and your house will be well somewhat peaceful for having 4 children.

I hope I helped a little. Let me know how things go for you...

Even if she did come from an only child home that still does not give her the right to disrespect you. She may feel that she has to share everything and have to be the one who watches out for her siblings. It will take her time to realize that everything doesn't revolve around her anymore. Try taking her to counceling and see if that helps. For now, this is what my parents did, when she yells at you take one electronic at a time. Or if it gets really bad to where she doesn't stop at all take everything out of her room ie electronics and leave nothing but her bed, her clothes, school books and get a Big Ben clock for her to have in her room. That worked for me cause when I didn't have what I loved to do in my room I started to straighten up. Give her a journal so that she can write down everything that is bothering her. That may help as well. Stick in there, it will get better. She will realize that her world is not as bad as she may thinks. She will learn that in the long run, it will be the best thing that happened to her, to be around her sibling cause they will look up to her and she will be their idol.

You will do fine. *hug*

Hello N. I too have gone thru this I would say when she is disrespectful you need to take something from her such as TV time or music time game time and what kind of music is she allowed to listen to because sometimes when they start listening to that nasty rap they start to act like it to which has no respect I used to make my kids read the Bible or take a time out when they got mouthy and got an attitude,I also made a short simple chore list for when the got an attitude they had to owe me a small job like taking a bag of trash out or picking up the little pieces of trash off of the carpet that made em mad but it also made them think twice before doing it again! Have a great week P.

Try to be patient. . .She's hitting puberty which makes them all argue plus having to deal with siblings. It is tough. Just insist on respect and stay calm. I know it's hard. I have 2 kids 8 years apart. My son is 14 now but at around age 12 he started getting hard to deal with. When he turned 14 his attitude totally changed back to a more mature version of the sweet little boy I always had.

Good luck.

I know how you feel. I have a 10 year old daughter who thinks she rules the house. If she's in a bad mood were supposed to drop everything to cater to her needs. I don't think so. I do agree with the lady who said a little one on one time. I've tried that and it does seem to help. You deffinetly have your hands full with babies at home. Good luck and if you find something that works I would love to here about.

I feel sad for you, my son is 11 and it is hard sometimes, I feel like his negative emotions are a reflection of my parenting skills. What has been helping me is the "Love & Logic" books and CD's I've been studying (I also took the classes when he was about 7 years old), He gets these bad cases of the wants, the gimmies and the sc%#ew You's. The techniques I've learned in love and logic has helped tremendously with my relationship with him and how to handle these moments, (which at this age seam all to often). Instead of telling him what to do, (I am learning real quick that I cant make him do anything) It teaches me to tell him what I will do (or will not do), example I'll say sweetly "I will continue to do the things I've been doing for you when I feel respected" Or This one worked great just the other night, he wanted me to take him to his friends house, I asked him to help me with the dishes after dinner but refused to help me clean up, I told him "no problem!" and dropped it, no more talking from me, which he's learning that when I say "no problem" The true message is "no problem for me, possible big problem for you", When I was done cleaning, he "demanded" I take him, I smiled and said, Oh bummer, I used all my energy cleaning and have no more to drive, he was so mad but realized later that he only could be mad at him self for making the decision to not help. Love & Logic makes me look forward to parenting rather than dread it. My favorite part is that, even if he doesnt learn the lesson (this time or ever), I get to keep my sanity, I dont allow my self to be walked on and I also find I dont have to yell, or lose my temper and add more destruction to the relationship, I get to be the loving parent and add peace to our home. It teaches me to not give him any reason to focus or be mad at me, to realize that its his decisions that cause him pain, not me that causes him pain. I just get to love him when he hurts and give empathy, (just as I would with a friend who made a bad decision, I dont criticize them nor do I fix there problem, I just be an empathetic friend to them and It works with him.
Here's the website (the parents section) if you want to check it out.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/parents.html
Good Luck to you.

Wow,you are a busy mommy. It sounds like she just wants some attention, dont get me wrong, I believe you give everything you can, she must understand that there the other kids need you a bit more than she does. Can your husband watch the babies while the two of you go for a couple of hours to shop or have a nice lunch? Try and give her some one on one time might just be the key. i know with my 13 yr old she was a pistol at 11, 12 and now she is finally calming down, I take her shopping for a nice outfit or just to walk around the mall for an hour or so, and she really enjoys that. It also can be hormones starting to kick in, my daughter started at age 11. it is a scary time not only for her but you too, your daughter is growing up.
I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you and your family.

Jen

I have 6 daughters and they are all by the same person. I have a 12yr old daughter who is doing the same thing to me and at first I thought that she was doing it because me and their dad seperated almost 2yrs ago, but I sat down and thought about it and when she was 11 yrs that is when her attitude started to change as well. Then I am in antoher realationship and so is there dad and he is having a baby, but then I still reflect back to when she was 11. So what I do is sit down and talk to her because when I was growing up I didn't get that from my mother and I tell her that I want her to come to me and talk to me about anything that she is feeling, but at the same time I also let her know that her attitudes and talking back to me are not going to be tolerated.

going from a single child lifestyle to having 3 other kids around can be very hard, but you should also consider the fact that for her age, she is probably starting if not already into puberty. That can make for some real attitude problems.

To Train Up A Child by Michael and Debbie Pearl.

Do you have "dates" with just her? ...times set aside just for her? such as a mother/daughter art class, or evening walks - their free and would offer her a time to open up to you about her inner feelings as a budding girl/woman and/or take her big girl shopping, just the two of you, followed by a nice cup of rooibos chai and conversation in a bistro's overstuffed chairs.
Truth is, she can't possibly compete with the babies - nobody can... not even the father of the babies can. She feels like a loose end in a tightly knit group. She might even feel like a commandeered babysitter. But most of all - her needs are not being met and she most likely feels hopeless.
My sagely advice is to give the relationship with her the same respect and consideration as your job or the child who is screaming the loudest. Schedule a fair and just amount of time for only her and in that time give her your fullness, not your worries about the others, or distracting cell phone calls. The future of your family relationships will benefit from your investment.

www.posdisc.org or www.positivediscipline.com This is a great parenting philosophy that will most likely help you immensely with all your kids. Good luck! And don't forget, she's starting puberty and part of it is irrational behavior that they can't help. Your job is to remain calm in the face of the craziness and wait until she's calm to talk it out.

Hello, the very best book on communication and relationships I have found is 'How to Talk so your Kids will Listen and Listen so your Kids will Talk' I took a class based on this book and it opened my eyes to how disrespectful I was being in my daily interactions and how my daughter mirrored this back to me. I also learned when it was O.K. to expect obedience (health and safety stuff) and when another approach was called for.
Good luck!

If you are not speaking to her that way, then why not make your point and yell back at her the same way she is doing this to you? Sometimes it shocks them by "echoing". She may be so unadjusted from her former home and environment but too young to process it like a matue adult. She probably doesn't even know she sounds like to others(in this case-YOU). If you cannot bring yourself to mimick her, record her and play it back again and again if you have to till she gets it. When she apologizes, cries or times out, you may be able to more readily approach her and talk about what is REALLY bothering her. Of course it is NEVER ok to talk disrespectfully to anyone- ever. This behaviour needs to be "nipped in the bud" right now~ before the real teen years flow right in. And that can happen overnight. What does your husband think can be done here? Is he taking the roll of being a disciplinarian as he should in talking to her and enforcing consequences? (Should she continue and refuses to stop)? Counselling may be in order here with a blended family therapist or classes for her and you and your husband. Blended families have their own challenges.After the intial confrontation, perhaps a gentle answer will also help this angry young lady give a gentle response. Your in my prayers. Jean

I think you should bring in someone who she can look up to if you talk to say a lady Police officer or whatever you want that she may listen to. My other suggestion is a couple hours of alone time to sit down quietly and hash it out and listen to each other and have a pac at the end. This behavior is over and start fresh here and now. Say I am sorry to get her attention. See if she feels left out or whatever the problem is to you can first pin point it and then start to work on the problem. I know it feels like you want to stay far away but I am sure she just wants your approval and your time.
smile it just seems bad right now. It really doesn't last that long. You need to get your nails done together. My daughter really loves to get pampered. She loves massages too.
Have a great day. R. H.

dnt give up on her just let her know who's the mama put ur foot down fast cause i got 1 just like dat think she knows every thing and you cnt tell her nothing but i have a chestizing rule you want to act like you're grown than ima treat you like you're grown let me tell you i did that and honey it worked she dnt try me like that any more i had to shake her up a little post up on her just dnt break no skin :) good luck let me know how it goes.

She is probably having sharing issues and having trouble coming from a one child household to a four children household. She probably feels that she has to compete for your attention and is willing to take any kind even if it is negative.

Have you tried just ignoring her when she is yelling at you after you have told her that you would only talk to her when she stopped yelling?

If you tell her this then you must keep to it. Really stress the positive stuff that she does and downplay the negative as much as you can.

Follow through with all threats of disipline. Never tell her you are going to do something and then not follow through. The other side is that if you do something on the overboard side remember to let her know that you made a mistake and apologize to her for it.

The main thing is to follow through with whatever you have told her will be done. And keep the communications line open. It will get better.