11 Year Old Behavioral Issues

For everyone's sake you all need a good family therapist and he may need individual help from a child psychologist NOW.

I agree with most of what Marda has suggested especially the family counseling and going over the house rules when he arrives (in a low key this is how we do things here kind of way). It seems like he really needs to work on his social skills. Maybe read the book Emotional Intelligence before he visits and it may give you some ideas. Also maybe you can find some activities for him in the summer too. Where I grew up there were some free or low cost activities run by the town recreation department.

I suggest that you get started with a family counselor before he arrives. They can help you with expectations and ways to encourage him to meet them as well as give you different ideas for discipline that may work better. Include your children in some of the sessions.

Then once he gets here include him in the sessions.

It's right, you can't make him over or drastically change him but you can be an influence. I suggest that counseling will help all of you learn to live together during these 3 months.

I doubt that he feels smarter or better than everyone else. Acting this way usually indicates low self-esteem which does go along with the sort of parenting you describe. Your description of activities should help him feel better about himself as long as you don't compare them with his mother's activities or lack thereof.

Be direct and tell him you know that your family is different than his. Emphasis that it's different and not state or act like it's better. Above all accept him as he is. Assume he'll follow your rules. Have a talk with him when he first gets there outlining the rules and the consequences in your house. Praise him every opportunity you get. Find opportunities. There's a saying that goes something like give 10 times more praise than criticism every day.

I had a foster child and key words we used often were, "in our home we do this." without comment on what goes on at the other home.

I think it's good that he visits. For you to have agreed for him to not visit may already have created some attitude problems. It's important for him to feel loved and wanted by his father. I hope that your husband told his son that he was hurt by the decision and that he does want to be a part of his life in some way. You can manage this with professional help. The counselor will help you manage so that your children learn from the experience.

I shudder at the suggestion that you don't want him to visit. He NEEDS those visits. That is so damaging not only to your husband's son but also to your own children. If they can reject him, when will they reject me too? Do I have to be perfect to be loved? etc.

When we bring children into the world we are responsible for them. You can learn to manage when he's there. This can be a positive learning experience for all of you.

Hi! A couple of thoughts... What if you write out a contract with him? Spell out what you expect of him and his behavior and include consequences for his actions. Write it out and then let him comment and offer suggestions for the things he doesn't like, make changes where you can compromise with him. Then you have to follow through but it doesn't sound like you will have a problem doing that. I would absolutely give him responsibilities. Kids like to feel important so give him something positive to feel good about. Maybe if you can make him feel in control of good things he won't need to do the bad things. Yes, volunteer!!! Everyone should volunteer somewhere. Don't let some old *&*% tell you your kids are too young, be persistent and you will find someone who wants you. You are seriously swimming upstream with the racism. My first thought is to sign him up to read to small children, in a hospital, homeless shelter, library, someplace where he will be exposed to kids not like him. Or make weekly trips to a nursing home, let him make treats for them. Find someplace where he will get positive feedback from different races and cultures. Find ethnic festivals to attend, seek out ethnic entertainment. But I think you need to just love him, something it doesn't sound like he is getting from his mom and step-dad.

Mardas advice is spot in. I am a step child and it's very hard, I visited every weekend and still to this day feel emotional about being the outsider. The worst thing you could do is let him know you or your husband don't want him there confirming what he already probably feels which is a major part of his behaviour. I know this is majorly impacting your family life but be thankful he isn't there more often then and do the best you can when he is. All the "discipline and punishment is just going to maje him angrier and you more frustrated as hard as it will be you have to come from a more positive place (of course there have to be consequences for bad behaviour but there should also be rewards for good) He is not a little manipulator purposely, you have to remind yourself he is a hurt misplaced child and suck it up and do your best for 3 months and if that requires the whole family or just you to have counselling to cope then do it. It may not be apparent now but all those wonderful things you do as a family, meals, walks, helping others it will have a positive impact. He should also definitely get one on one time with his Dad that really annoyed me as a kid that my half siblings got so much time with my Dad and I never got one on one time with him and a lot of the time my step mum didn't want me there on the weekend (and i was well behaved) and wanted to do something as their family which is crushing even though as an adult I can understand how frustrating it must have been for her at times to never have a free weekend but she knew my brother and I came as part of the package when she married my Father. I still feel terrible knowing my Dad never stood up for my brother or I and allowed her to behave the way she did to us. My brother acted differently than I and stopped visiting at 14 and still also has issues. So just to give a bit of a child's perspective and I was very fortunate in that my mother never put my father or step mother down (although she did have to call a few times to put her in her place she never let me know) Who knows what your husbands ex says to exasperate the situation. It's a tough one and hard for everyone involved that's why the counselling would be of great benefit. All the best

You've already gotten a lot of good advice here. I whole heartedly also suggest family counseling. I also agree w/the sitting down upon his arrival & discussing the family rules & your expectations of how he behaves while in your home. Based on how you say things are at his mom's house,(ie consequences for poor behavior) it sounds like he's crying out for someone to parent him, tell him what's right & wrong. And I bet he could really use lotsa of postive attention as he seems to have learned how to get attention negatively. Link his good behavior to a reward chart & praise him immensely when he does act in the expected manner. Most importantly, do not tell him it's OK for him to not visit. He's saying that as a means for you 2 & especially his dad, to fight for him. Good luck!

The bullying you report is the key element. It puts other kids in danger and that should get everyone's attention. As he gets older it could get worse. It sounds like I'm giving up on him but you have to protect the others. Unfortunately if the mother is insisting on the arrangement then you may have to get a court to order her to get the kid counseling and behavior modification (and get family therapy too) to show improvement before he comes back to you.

Treat him like a guest in your house, because, well that's what he IS.

Going against his own mother's style of parenting will only cause more conflict. You cannot rear him, he already has a full time mother.

If you don't want him, don't take him. You're really not doing him any favors. He is very nearly legally old enough to decide whether he wants to see his father or not.

:(

Marda's advice is excellent -- start with a family counselor right now, before he even gets here. A counselor could give you many ideas about how to work with your stepson in the time he's with you.

All I want to add is that there is a novel for kids his age that might be a more appropriate way to work on the racism than showing him R-rated current movies ("Crash," which was recommended, is rated R, and therefore not for an 11-year-old, and neither is "Schindler's List") or old black and white movies that, despite the good messages, might turn off a kid his age.

The book is "Maniac Magee" by Jerry Spinelli. My daughter's class read it last year (fifth grade but it would be appropriate for fifth right through high school). Read it yourself first and see what you think. It has messages about race and poverty and acceptance without ever, ever, being preachy. At all. (Kids hate being preached to!) And it's about a kid not much older than your stepson. It would be great if your husband and his stepson read it together when the boy visits.

I think you need to start keeping an accurate journal of all that goes on. His behavior as well as all communication with his mother. This way, you might have something to go on if you take this to court and try to get some other arrangements for his care made legally.
Also, you need - as much as it is possible - to let his father be the one to deal with the situation.
It sounds to me like the boy is begging for proper attention, but doesn't know an appropriate way to go about getting it. From what you say about the mother and step-father, it certainly appears that he is not getting it most of the time. Then when coming to your home, where it seems he is getting good attention and discipline, he doesn't have a clue how to handle it.
You do have to be on guard to protect the other children from him, but I hope you will also be able to save this poor boy from himself and the negative things he is learning with his mother.

Hi L.,
You have gotten a lot of excellent advice here, I would like to recommend another book, The 5 Love Languages of Children. I believe that's the title. Anyway, it's all about the way children receive and give love. It's premise is that our "love tanks" are all different, and we behave much better when our tank is full. The problem is that we don't all have the same language. For some of us, physical touch is vital, for others it might be encouraging words, of giving gifts, or spending time together. If you can identify his love language, and meet those needs, you will have a much easier time working on the other issues. Don't give up on this little guy, you will never regret the good you do,

Hi, your question is so hard to read because of the pain your family is going through as well as the pain this poor little boy is going through. It is completley age appropriate for a tween child to tell their parents that they are angry at them, and do not want to be with them (by stating over and over that he does not want to be with his father and you). It is incredibly inappropriate for parents to then say they do not want the child either. Try to see this from this young boys perspective, and try not to be so angry. Eleven is still very young. This young child should not be forced to "admit" anything regarding how his mother and stepfather choose to raise him. Perhaps his mother does not enforce the same sense of discipline and morals that you enforce. Instead of seeing this as the child's shortfalling try to understand how difficult it must be for him to see two very different ways of viewing the world. All children act up and make mistakes - it sounds like this young man at least realized that he was wrong when he took something from a younger child and felt remorse. That would have been the perfect time to explain to him that he is loved by your family even when they disagree with his actions. His father should focus on saying "I love you even when I am angry with you".

The only advice I can think of after reading your post...is to encourage your husband to spend alone time with him as much as possible. Divorce and stepparents make life super confusing for kids. He may just need quality time with his dad without you involved. I am sure he can feel your stress, and is obviously getting mixed signals because of his experience at two different homes with two different parenting styles. It is obvious that you have some anger towards his mom, and I am sure he can feel it. Good Luck!!

Hi, I don't see the other responses, but am glad you are getting so much feedback. I would suggest you, your step son and your husband (and any other children in the home) sit down and create a family vision or commitment or whatever you want to call it and spell out what the family is about, for example, "This is a kind, loving, honest family that supports one another. We talk politely with calm, gentle voices. We work together to..." We did this at our house and then to cement it and repair any "damage" we went around our entire house with incense burning and repeated our family's commitment in each of the corners of the house. It sounds a bit hocus pocus-y but rituals can be very effective. I wish you all the best, it's not easy being a child in a part time situation either, he may be "testing" or if you feel he's just not got any limits at his 9 month of the year home, may need clarification about the rules of his 3 month of the year home, even if you may think it should be obvious. :)

I agree with many of these posts!
You are not his mother and his father should be a parent to this child.
This child is the victim of divorce and now feels like a stranger to his dad.
The damage has been done due to the "adults" around him, so please don't add to that by making him feel like a bad kid and even having the audacity to agreeing with him to not visit. FYI you are coming off like an evil step mother only caring about YOUR family and friends. Whether you like it or not, good or bad this kid is your husband's family therefore yours. I don't think you would as easily cut off your kids if they were having these issues.
Since you are only his step mother, be his friend and a great role model.

Therapy for you and your husband regarding his son, and when the boy comes to visit then therapy as a family as well. This little boy is not the way he is by choice and he doesn't know any better. I think when he says, "I don't want to be here" he's really saying, "I don't like feeling unwanted or like an outsider in my own father's home so I'd rather not be here if that's what's going to happen."

He's in a situation that's not of his making and it's a miserable situation. He's unhappy. None of that is his fault, but all of the adults around him. It's the adults who have to make it better for HIM... and if you can make it better for him then it will be better for you.

I'm just so sad and a little sickened that you and the boy's own father would so readily agree to cut him out of your life and let him know you agree that not visiting is fine with you. How hurt he must be over that. I would have been all over him letting him know that I WANTED him there and loved him enough to want to make sure he wanted to be there, and asking him what we could do to help him. Let him know he matters.

The boy's mother is RIGHT and being a good mother for insisting that her son visit his father. Your husband gets so little time with his son that he should be craving it and grateful for it. He should be trying to bond with him and spending time with him when he's there and he should be trying to maintain that relationship when his son is with his mother. This boy needs to feel wanted and loved and needed. He's behaving like a boy who feels invisible and needs to be noticed.

What state and city is your husband's son living in? Was he born there? What, if any counselling has his mother given to this child?

Blessings....