10 YO Afraid of the Phone, Has Trouble Making Close Friends!

I recently read a book based on a friend's recommendation called "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" by Marti Laney. It really is a wonderful book which helped me to understand my oldest son (and myself actually - her original book is "The Introvert Advantage" which is excellent as well!). It really gave some insight on what introversion really is, how an introverts mind works, what is to come as they get to the teen years and some advice on when to push a little and when not to push. Would highly recommend it to anyone who has noticed their children are not as "social" as other kids.

I think you might be mistaking introversion for being "behind" socially. It's not, it's just a personality type. Your daughter sounds a lot like me through childhood, and for me it got much worse in my teens because my mom was desperate for me to "succeed" socially, and I started feeling wrong for being shy.

I always did well when there was a focus on a topic of interest, and not just "socializing" for the sake of being social. This can be the gift of Asperger's (very high-functioning autism spectrum) and it truly is a gift, if treated that way. Many highly-successful geeks are "Aspie" types, and I think if the designation had been available when I was young, I would have been diagnosed with the syndrome.

Now that I've grown up, and am able to shape my life in a way that is comfortable and satisfying for me, shyness is not a big issue. I am watchful and quiet in social situations, which I avoid when possible. I am reluctant to make phone calls, but can and do when needed. But without my mom pushing me to be what I am not, I have become much more comfortable in my own skin and capacities. As far as I can tell, I'm a much appreciated friend, because I tend to listen much more than talk. I LOVE keeping the spotlight on other people, and they generally love it, too.

So I guess I have this dangling question. Does your daughter seem unhappy having few friends? She might be perfectly fine being creative and taking art and nature classes. That sure would have worked for me!

ADDED: After reading your update, I remember sometimes feeling sad that acquaintances got invited to parties and I didn't. Everything in life is a trade-off, though. I heard many years later that a very social acquaintance felt sad that I seemed so self-posessed, while she felt like a shallow social butterfly. That perspective probably would have helped me when I was young – I think I would have realized that every life has strengths and weaknesses, and nobody is always happy, no matter how they appear from the outside.

I'm thinking of a terrific book called Please Understand Me that helps you locate your type in the Myers-Briggs personality universe, and helps you understand how you and others fit together to create the whole of human experience. I highly recommend it!

Great comments by Theresa N.

Not everyone is social or needs to interact intimately with many people. Sounds like your kid is an introvert. Introverts enjoy being to themselves and often watch the world around them rather than participating directly. There is nothing wrong with this.

You seem to have your own thoughts about her life but have you asked her if she wants to have a best friend or how she is feeling?

My mom couldn't get me to play outside with the other children when I was 10 but my 6 year old sister was always outside playing. I prefered my books and movies over the interactions with the children in my neighborhood. I was normal for me and my sister was normal for her.

I had friends but not in the same context as my sister. Everyone was my sister's friend, she was quite the social butterfly. I was polite and very quiet.

Give your daughter time and encouragement to blossom into who she is. She will learn how to develop lasting friendships in time but for now she seems to be fine. Keep an open communication with her and really listen to her feelings and thoughts. She may surprise you.

Jeez, she sounds like a fantastic kid! Not every kid needs to be surrounded by friends or even just one very close friend to feel fulfilled. Both my boys are like her, they are not exactly anti-social but they do not actively seek out frienships either (my daughter does), I think having each other is most the comraderery (sp) they need, might be the case with your girl as well. I suppose if she seems lonely or sad or left out(and I mean if SHE feels that way, not YOU feel that way FOR her) then sure, set something up for her. But it sounds to me that she is just a normal introvert/cerebral kind of kid at peace with her own company. Nothin' wrong with that!

Try her in a theater class! Theater attracts kids like your daughter, and you would be surprised how a shy kid can excel at it, and gain confidence.

Sounds like she just needs to find her own 'group'. 10 can be hard with girls because they do seem to start getting clique-y at that age, but hopefully your daughter will make some closer friends in Scouts. I am 40 and still very close friends with the two girls I started Girl Scouts with in first grade!

Can you subtlety arrange some playdates for her with a girl or two that she has things in common with? Maybe a weekend afternoon trip to the art museum or a painting class that another girl could be invited along on?

For the phone thing- is there a reason that you know? Could she have heard some research on the news or something that cell phones might cause cancer? or associate the phone with bad news? I would look into that a little more closely, just because most 10 year olds cannot WAIT to get their own phones and use them. There may be nothing wrong at all- she might just not want to use a phone!- but if there is some underlying fear, you should try and figure out what it is so you can reassure her.

She sounds like a sweet, bright girl. I'm sure she just needs a little time and the right group of friends to give her some confidence! good luck!

My niece is extremely shy and won't call or talk on the phone. She will email and occasion text a friend when allowed to text (summer & weekends). When I was "babysitting" her recently I asked her, "Instead of emailing, snce you both are online, why don't you just call and talk to her?" SHe said, "I don't know. I guess I just feel more comfortable in a group of people."
I continued by asking her why that is. She said," Whenever it's just me and one other person we don't really talk about a lot of stuff. No one really has anything in common except for school." So I asked my sister about her daughter's friends and she confirmed that most of the girls are "shy-like" and only two hang out all the time. It seems that they are the "good" girls of the class and they will stay together as to not be part of the diva/troublemaker crowd. The problem is two take art class together and the moms are friends and don't realize invite others over as they feel it's a "chore" to entertain (but one does send her kids over when invited). One girl does karate because he dad teaches it and the other not athletic and not in any activites (I think for financial reason my sis said). My niece does 2 sports and happens to be the only girls other than her lil sister in her age group. The kids on the tennsi and track team are much younger 5-7 or older 15&16 and don't want to hang out with an 11 yr old. She's not lonely, but it is heartbreaking that she doesn't seem to have a true "buddy" to do things with (except her sister of course and I tell her that's the best kind of friend :-). )

I was a very timid child too. I spend from 1st - 6th grade without a friend in my town. I had many pen pals, but didn't have a close friend nearby. I was terrified to talk on the phone too, and wouldn't have been comfortable talking to my pen pals or closer friends over the phone. I remember having a huge fight with my mom because I'd left my piano assignment book at my teacher's house and refused to call her and ask for the assignment over the phone. I was so terrified of the thought, and even when I finally did do it.

I think its both a personality difference and possibly tied to bad experiences. The few girls my age I had contact with were very mean and snotty. It took until college before I really felt comfortable with people my own age, I was not mistreated, but I was ignored or treated as though my comments held no value. I still struggle to make friend with women, not that I just choose men - since I'm married I really don't do that anymore, but there is a certain amount of anxiety involved in the beginning of the friendship.

Now what could my mom have done differently for me? There wasn't an easy way to expose me to more kids other then moving. But it takes finding someone your daughter will click with personality wise. She might just want to observe the social situation until she's comfortable contributing or bonding with someone. Girl scouts is a great idea, and the extra curricular activities. I'd just keep encouraging those things and find out if there are other things she's like to do as time goes on. You might want to have her talk to the counselor a little bit more, it might help to build her confidence to deal with some of the anxiety or any other issues she might have. Kids can be very mean and that can be damaging. She might be so hurt she doesn't even want to share that its happened.

Bottom line. Don't compare her to your other daughter, she's obviously a social butterfly. The older one is just different. At her healthiest socially she'll never be the same. She'll probably be the kind that has a few CLOSE friends, not lots of more casual friends.

Best wishes!