10 Month Old Experiencing Terrible Seperation Anxiety

My first daughter was like this, and it was so hard!!! There is a book that really helped me it is call Fussy Babies by Dr. Sears. I got it at Barnes and Noble, I wish her good luck, and I know how she feels!

This is my son--who is now 7 years old. I just fought it off---it's not easy---he still follows me around the house--and I just talked to another mom--her son comes home from college and follows her around the house to this day! :) I did have to just drop and leave him at daycare--saying good-bye was horrible--and the provider agreed with me on this particular case that he did indeed do better when I snuck out vs. when I kissed him and said a proper good-bye. One day at a time!

Hi M.:
Are you sure it isn't you suffering the anxiety? lol You mentioned you had four kids and listed five ages lol Anyway..Tell your sis to
Hang in there... Its just a stage she is going through... Babies from age 9-18 months experience separation anxiety. It is actually a good thing, it means they are developing "emotional attachments" It only lasts A short time. The best thing you can do is to bring her around people as much as possible..( even to the park to observe other children) Does she have a transitional object? A pacifier or a blankie? that helps alot, it too is an attachment and will make her feel more comfortable around others and also when she sleeps. As hard as this is for your sister to handle, believe me, Its normal. For the first time in her life she is feeling these emotions,and is frightened if she loses sight of her mother.she will disapear forever! If its driving your sister a little crazy,tell her to put her baby in a playpen or a swing.(A safe place) and go outside and take a deep breath! Her husband,should help lighten the load for her when he gets home. Tell her to hang in there. Its just a phase.

I KNOW how hard it can be on your sister - Both my kids were like this in stages - the longest lasting over a month, at about the 10mon. mark - and it always returns when they aren't feeling well - neither of my kids go off and "play by themselves" - I always have to be creative to get ANYTHING done - but it has gotten better (they are almost 3yrs. and just turnned 1) - I think your sister needs to see how things progress - I read that anything that lasts more than a month in no longer a phase, so, depending on how long this has been going on she may want to explore some of the suggestions from others (eye sight checked, on going illness etc.) but take it from someone who has not use the bathroom alone in a LONG time, your sister needs to decide what she can live with - sometimes my youngest just has to cry - it is hard, but he is learning that at times (like cooking) he needs play w/ his sister or go in the highchair because it is just to dangerous to be crawling after me constantly -
and remember your kids are only little once, housework will be there forever - my house is definately not looking the way I want 90% of the time, but my kids are played with 90% of the time and I am proud of that.
That said your sister needs a break too and I find the ONLY way I can get one is to leave the house alone (if I am there my son wants only me) He has a tough time at first, but my husband says it is always better when I am out of sight - make sure you encourage her to take some time for herself so she can make it through crying at other times.
Good Luck

My oldest was like this, but is now very independent. He's 4 now, and this really intense stage lasted several months, but he was really clingy until maybe about 3. I didn't get a lot done, but he sure got lots of quality time. I wore a sling, and highly recommend it, or a mei tai to just wear the baby so you can do things. It's only for a relatievely short time of their lives, and eventually baby will become more socialized. My 16 month old is like this as well, but now she's becoming more independent as well. I think the key is not to freak out over it, just go with the flow--eventually you'll get stuff done, and you'll be nostalgic for when your child was so attached to you.

I think that baby doesn't need anything except a little bit of extra attention. I know the doctor's comment seems a little insensitive, but the truth is all kids, just like adults, have different temperaments. My own daughter was a little cranky as a baby herself. She always wanted to be held, but then when you held her she didn't want to snuggle, just wanted to be held facing out so she could see everything. There were times when she wanted extra attention too, and, hard as it was, I'd try to stop what I was doing and just cuddle with her for a while, even it meant I had a pile of unfolded laundry sitting nearby or I didn't clean the bathroom that day. I found over time that it took LESS time for me to do this than to try to ignore her or let her cry it out. I'd hold her, then after a few minutes she'd be happy again and could be left alone. Whereas if I ignored her, she'd just scream louder and I'd end up wasting more time (plus it's extremely distracting and stress-inducing to have a constantly screaming baby in the house). At 10 months this is not spoiling a child, but merely developing a trust so that the baby knows his needs are going to be met by mom. I think we expect too much independence from kids this age, and even older, sometimes. Tell your sister to just give some extra hugs and snuggles, maybe even lie down and take a nap with him if she can afford that little luxury. She'll wake up with a happier kid. Not all kids are like this but I believe it pays off to take the extra time with the ones that are.

As for my daughter, she is now a very well-adjusted 3 1/2 year-old who, most of the time, doesn't even notice if I'm gone for a couple of hours. She is a VERY loving and very bright kid who gives hugs freely and always tells me that she loves me, and she sings all the time; she's also a force of nature who tries very hard to get her own way, but responds well to discipline -- most of the time. She still occasionally wakes up from a nap and needs some snuggle time for few minutes, and I happily give it, because I know the "snuggling years" are brief and we should enjoy it while we can!

P.S. to Julia M: I think you should read M.'s posting again. She only listed four ages!

Hi M.,
Most kids go through seperation anxiety. Put some new interesting toys in a playpen. Put the baby in the playpen. Put earplugs in and then go fix dinner. If you give the child small incrimates of playtime by herself a few times a day she with learn how to entertain herself and be a happier baby. Pray for God to help through this stressful time and don't forget the earplugs. Give her some time when Daddy first gets home from work for your sister to sit beside her husband and play with baby on her lap and little by little have daddy play too . Before long she will go to daddy if she sees them sitting and talking together. It will build more security for her. Good Luck. D.

Melanie, I wouldn't say she is sad, and if she is angry, she needs to realized from day one, she is not in control, Babies start manipulating ther parents as young as 6 months, some younger, if the 10 month is behaving this way it is because she can, theres no consinquiences for it. When she behaves tat way put her in a play pen and when she stops crying she can come out, but if this is not niped in the bud now, at two know one will want to be arouind her. J.

Hi M.,

I agree with you -- a bad case of separation anxiety. Based on her age, this may be a phase. I'm glad your sister is able to be around and doesn't have to go to work. If this continues for many more months, have her see another baby specialist, not the one who said she has a bad temper. Also, read what T. Barry Brazelton says about it. He's really an expert in this field.

V.

Sounds like a high needs/high-spirited baby to me. It's a personality trait. Some babies need more than others. Of course this presents some unique challenges... it takes a great deal more patience and energy to parent a high-needs child. Check out "The Fussy Baby Book" by Dr Sears.

Sorry, but I am disgusted with some of the responses on here... put earplugs in and let her scream? That is one of the most heartless, cruel things one can do to ANY child, let alone one who is clearly trying to express something. Imagine if you had something important to say and someone you love and depend on stuck some earplugs in and walked away.
Also those who indicated that there may be something wrong... while there is always that chance, I don't think that just because a baby wants her Mama that they have ADHD or Aspergers. I do believe that children whose needs are routinely ignored can develop behavioral problems or worse, attachment disorder.

To M. Z - your sis knows her baby best. If she feels there is something wrong then she should absolutely seek help from a QUALIFIED professional. However it is likely that her daughter simply needs a lot of Mama. Again there are no simple solutions there... it is a daily challenge for myself and other Mothers of high-spirited kids I know. If it is any solace, I have found kids like this - if properly nurtured - are more advanced developmentally and academically than average.

I have one of those kids too. It can be so frustrating. She is now 2 1/2 and it is better, but often she only wants mommy to get her out of the car seat or help her go potty. She has even told my husband that she doesn't want him to go with us places like a party or to the store. We have talked to her about hurting daddy's feelings but she doesn't get it i think she is still too young. When she was younger my back would hurt or i would be so tired or need to get out just for an hour. It has been getting better the older she gets. Good luck

Oh that just breaks my heart. Some good advice posted here. I never would have thought about checking eyesight!

Not that she shouldn't work on the independence-building, but for the times she does have to have the baby in her arms, maybe a sling or baby carrier would at least free her hands up :)

A.

Hi Melanie,

I have no experience with this issue, as my little one never had it to such an extreme ! But I think your instincts about your niece sound very wise.

I don't know if your sister is able to do this, but I think I remember something about doing exercises such as - a few times during the day, to start, have someone else hold your niece, while your sis walks out of the room, then your sister should return after a few minutes. This way your niece might get used to small periods of separation with the assurance of her mom returning fairly quickly. Your niece will probably cry during the initial days of starting this, but hopefully she will begin to feel less fear and sadness once she learns that mommy is only gone for a few minutes.

Then little by little, add extra minutes on to the "separated" time, once your niece gets used to the short periods of time, until she can handle a half an hour or hour with someone else.

Just an idea !

Thanks !

I have had children and stepchildren with problems like these, but some things don't really make sense until they are older and get a diagnosis, like ADHD, Aspergers, Bi-polar, other things that can cause a different disposition in some kids. I don't want to sound negative or full of doom and gloom or anything, but the child may eventually need some type of help. That's just my opinion, I'm sure there are many out there who can give other advice that is more helpful at this time. My kids were always exposed to new people and environments, church, daycare, family outings, get-togethers, restaurants, malls, etc, and they rush out into the world without hesitation.

Maybe the child needs to go to a playgroup or mom-baby exercise class to get more socialized.

Dear M.,

Your message broke my heart- I have an 8 month old, probably about to start the separation anxiety phase, but I completely agree with you that it she sounds anxious, lonely, and sad, not angry. I had such a strong reaction when I read that the dr. thinks the baby has a quick bad temper! That just seems mean. And wrong! My daughter cries completely differently when she is just upset because she's not getting her way, and there are no tears (vs. if she is sad or scared there are huge tears). I have tremendous sympathy for your sister who clearly needs a break, but it really sounds like baby just needs lots of reassurance and closeness, maybe more than most kids.

Again I have no experience with this yet, but I wonder if wearing her in a sling or mei-tai might help your sister get a little more done? Oh, also, perhaps leaving an item of clothing that she wore all day with dad? I did this the first time I had to use a sitter, and apparently my baby literally cuddle up to my t-shirt. And finally, perhaps small doses building up little by little (this will take a really long time if you at baby's pace but it might help).

Good luck!

M.,

It may not even be separation anxiety. My youngest did pretty much the same thing. She clung to me all day long for 18 months.

I would suggest that your sister take her to a opthamologist and get her eyes checked. She may not be able to see as well as others her own age. Mine got glasses, and she is as care free and independent as all the rest.

J.

My daughter was pretty much like this. She's now 17 months old and definitely still a mommy's girl but it's gotten better. It takes time. Your sister just has to let her cry and let daddy take her, away from sight, so she can get things done.

I would get some professional help. This does not sound typical. I don't agree with the Ped, this child sounds super sad and I feel for your sis!

Classic seperation anxiety. My son had it, my husband thought it had more to do with taking the milk away :)
But as much as it may seem like it "hurts her daughter," it's good for her to be with other people, like you and daddy. It can also become torture on the parent, there's also a strange "wanted feeling" the parent may get, but overall, I think it's hard for the whole family.

I'm actually really suprised that none of your kids had this, I would love to say at some point it goes away, but some kids will keep some form of it for a while. For instance my son, now 2 1/2 yrs old wants to be attached at the hip and will cry if I go to the store without him, but he knows I'm eventually coming home, your 10 month old niece just hasn't realized when mom is out of her sight she will return.