8 Month Old Monster! Help!

Don't worry, it will get better soon! But if she fusses when her daddy holds her, leave the room and force the issue. Leave the daddy with some tasty snacks and some awesome toys, and go for a jog!

Hi A.. Oh boy I do know how you feel. My daughter was and sometimes still is the same. She is now 18 months old and getting better at being seperated. In fact things got so much better when she began to walk and be more independent. She still is very clingy and I still have not gone to the bathroom by myself yet unless I sneak away but it gets easier to handle. Be strong and patient, things will get better once she discovers that she can reach her own toys and do it herself.. then the hard part comes when they act like they just dont need you anymore... Somedays I wish I could have the clingy days back, I miss it but I prefer it now.

Good luck and keep us updated.
Kim

My suggestion is to do more of what gets her going. If she doesn't like it when you don't set down there and play with her or when you leave the room you need to do more of it. BUT don't pick her up when she follows you. You want her to do that to a certain degree. It will put her mind at ease. When you are at home you want her to spend as much time on the floor as possible. You should be able to do dishes with her playing in the floor or wash clothes or fold clothes or walk around the house. Being picked up should be limited to when you have nothing going on like while watching Tv, or when you away from the house. But even than you should let her down you want her to feel she is safe anywhere you put her that she can trust you.
MY daughter has and had NO attachment issues after about 8mo. she didn't like people before that. I could put her down anywhere as long as no one touched her...lol It was funny as anything. But doing what I'm telling you i had her so trusting of me by age 2yrs i actually put her in childcare for a short time and she ran off everyday to play when i brought her. She trusted i wouldn't put her somewhere unsafe. You need to prove to her over and over that where you put her is safe and the only way you can do that is to put her places all the time. good luck

I'm pretty late in seeing this and I don't have time to read all the responses you've gotten, so I'm sorry if this is redundant or whatever, but I really loved Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child by Burton L. White (http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Happy-Unspoiled-Child-Burto...)
he addresses exactly what you're dealing with, and at exactly the age you're dealing with it. worked wonders with my first son, who was absolutely lovely to be around (my next two are not quite a year yet, so we're in the same stage you are now..... but I have hope!)

Good luck!

Sounds like you need a little perspective. This is a phase that she will outgrow. All babies experience the "separation anxiety" phase at one point or another. What you need to understand as her mommy is that you have been everything to her. You feed her, you bathe her, you change her diapers, you snuggle her, you kiss her, you play with her, you read to her, you tuck her in at night etc. She sees you as her lifeline and for a baby that is starting to move around independently, it's frightening for her to be any distance from you. She doesn't yet understand that nothing is going to make you vanish if you're out of her sight. She's just about at the age when they start learning about "object permanence" which means for example that the ball is still there, even if it is covered by the blanket.

My suggestion is to give her a lot of extra love and to work with her on developing her recognition of object permanence. Show her that the toy that rolled under the couch is still there even though she couldn't see it before. You'll have to repeat it several times a day until she fully grasps the concept, but it should help her to understand that mommy isn't going to vanish and never come back if she goes into the bathroom for a minute. You need to work with her to strengthen her emotional "foundation" so she feels more stable.

An do try to see the world from her perspective. She's just a little baby that doesn't understand anything about the world she's now in. Try to think how you would feel if you were thrust into a strange place where everything was confusing. How would you feel if the one person that took care of you and made you feel safe in that world was out of your sight? I think it would be pretty scary.

I have to laugh, that's exactly how my son was, and I too, was going crazy. Folks told me to back away, do something else while still in view, etc. Try peek a boo. Yes, that's separation-anxiety time; mine got it at 7 mos. Try having dad take her to the park, or a stroller ride. Lily might be okay w/another adult she likes if you're not right there.
I actully resorted to giving m&ms when I caught him playing independently (I was still in the room).. it did seem to help. If there's a seat or playpen you can take with you to different parts of the house while you work, she could be reassured (by you and the familiarity of seat or pen) but still have some space. Lastly, it'll pass. Keep trying to find a little space for yourself - try different things, but remember if you get really frustrated and mad, put her somewhere safe (crib) and walk away! You are not alone! Blessings.

Maybe you could see about having someone watch her for around 4 hours once a week. This will help her get detached from you. It will hurt to hear her cry (I know my youngest was and today is still a momma's boy) but she will start to warm up to others.

There are times when it is good to put the baby in a crib so you both can cry. You'll feel both guilty and better after and will be able to think more clearly about what your daughter needs.

Your daughter has learned to trust you and love you. She doesn't understand yet that she is separate person. The good news is that you taught her that she can trust you to take care of her. Some babies don't care if adults care for them and are very independent because they have learned not to trust people. Many moms will remember the days when you can't even go to the bathroom alone. I used to shower with my babies just to get cleaned up without listening to them cry.

She will grow in independence every day until she leaves you and you miss these days! One trick is to pull her closer when she is so clingy. I've found that the more I met the needs of my kids, the more independent they became. Even at night, if a little one showed up, I'd say, "I'm happy to see you." Then we could all go to sleep. The alternative was trying to convince a little person that being alone was really a good thing.

You do need a break though. Let Dad take her out for a walk. Try a moms group in your area so you can hang out with other moms. Good luck.

Hey there, Just wanted to let you know that I'm going through the same thing right now. Everything I have read says its a phase and sure enough it is starting to taper off. Phew! I was getting tired of holding her or being within her sight every waking moment. Good news is my arms are looking pretty good. Also I read that statistics show that if you are there for your clingy baby when they cry then they become less clingy children. Good luck. Hang in there.

A. I certainly sympathize with you and understand how you feel. Your daughter is going through separation/stranger anxiety. Because you stay at home with her it is more severe, because she only interacts with you most of the time. My suggestion: play peek a boo with her so that she understands that things disappear but are still there. Also when you leave the room talk to her and let her know that you are still around just not in her site. Before you remove yourself from her presence let her know that you are about to get up and go either to the bathrrom, kitchen or whereever. But just keep talking to her as you walk away. If you don't have baby gates up I suggest you put some up giving her a space to herself where all of her toys are so that she can be occupied while you are gone. When your husband gets home take at least an hour or 2 to yourself. Go to the park for a walk, go to starbucks and read a book, but take a moment to breathe for yourself. It does get better, however this phase can last anywhere from 8 months to 3 years and she may experience it off and on throughout this time span. Another suggestion is maybe allowing her to participate in a child care program part-time to interact with other children and adults. Don't worry it gets better and no she's not a monster just a baby going through a phase. All the best to you.

It's ok, mama! First, your little girl is not a "monster." It sounds like she's just going through some separation anxiety. All babies go through it and this is a prime time for it. My DD is horrible when she's in that phase. You say you don't run to her when she cries, but that may be part of the problem. She is too young to be spoiled or be "training" you to come when she cries. When she cries, it's because she needs you, whether it be hunger, thirst, or just cuddles. I would suggest that you don't let her cry for that long before going to her, especially when she's going through separation anxiety. By letting her cry, you're just reinforcing that mommy won't come when she needs you. Trust me, the phase will last much longer if you don't respond to her quickly.

This will, pass, I promise. Just enjoy your time with her while she's little. It goes so fast. I know it's frustrating to go to the bathroom with an audience and not be able to get anything done around the house, but it will get better. And the housework will still be there later.

Hi A.,
Here are some things that worked for me.
1. Put a moveable playpen, swing, or bouncer in every room. Then, as you need to move from room to room, she can go too, without you having to hold her.

2. For bathroom visits, I kept a Bumbo seat in the bathroom. Put her in there while I took care of things.
When she outgrew the Bumbo, I'd strap her into an simple umbrella stroller that I kept in the house (nothing fancy). She'd get to come with me, without me having to hold her all of the time.

3. When in the kitchen fixing meals, she'd go in the playpen. She had toys and could see me, so she was happy.

I had 2 playpens, one for each floor. They were the same type so she couldn't choose favorites. They had wheels on one end. As I moved about the house, if needed, I'd just pick up the one end, and move it one handed, with me.

M.

This brings back so many memories! As far as your daughter is concerned, there is the Mama and everyone else is Not the Mama! My son at that age simply had to be in my arms every waking minute. I had a baby sling, so it was easy to hold/wear him, but if I put him down even so I could use the bathroom, he'd cry like his little heart was breaking. We had to compromise when I was cooking (dangerous for him to be close to the stove), so I'd stand with one foot as far away from the stove as possible and let him sit on my foot - he was happy with that. It's hard to believe right now, but they do grow out of it eventually, and you might even miss it a little bit once she gets a little older. When you need a break, give her to Dad and go for a walk. You'll be surprised, but most kids only fuss for about 10-15 minutes once you are out of sight. My son's preschool had a window where parents could watch a room unnoticed from outside, and sure enough - the separation anxiety performance is over sooner than you would think. They grow up and get independent so fast.

I feel your pain, A.. My 9-mos old is in an "I love Mom" phase too. The best remedy I found with my first son (now 3) is to start small and work up to longer times w/o you. For example, put her in her crib and leave the room for 5 mins. Leave her with toys and things to amuse herself and help her understand that you will be back! I used my gym's daycare which helped a lot too. They're used to the initial anxiety. I'd start by leaving him 15 mins each day for the first week, and gradually worked up to an hour or 2! Plus working out was such a great release for me. Also, if leaving her with someone else, try to get there early and be with her and the other person for a bit before leaving. It will help her acclimate to her environment and the person before you leave. Good luck!!!

This is totally normal at this age and will not last longer than a few months. She does not yet have the capacity to understand that just because you're out of her site, you're haven't dissappeared forever. Her capacity for being able to see beyond the moment will mature soon. Bear with her, give her extra love and all will be fine. I've had 6 children and I know it is very hard while you are in it, but believe me, it is over so fast looking at it from this point. It is obvious you are doing things right, since she is developing normally and doing exactly as she is supposed to. Kudos to you!

Your child isn't a monster, she's typical. Have you tried using a baby carrier like a sling or a mai tai so that you can carry her hands free and still get things done? How often do you get out of the house? Pack up the stroller and head to the mall, or the park, or the neighborhood and walk around and see people if nothing else. It's what I do when I'm going out of my head with my kids. Your daughter is going though a phase that will pass, I promise. Also, is there any way you could get a mother's helper? Someone to help you with taking care of the baby and maybe some chores? Sure, your daughter may not go to her at first, but you will at least know she's safe and cared for if you have to leave the room for a few minutes. A good way of finding someone is to ask through your congregation or calling the guidance counselor at the local high school (they sometimes keep a list of students that are going into early childhood ed that want experience) Being a stay at home mom doesn't mean you have to stay at home.

A. - I don't have any advice and I didn't read your responses, but I just had to respond and let you know you're not alone!!! Both of my girls were like this and I had moments when I thought my life (as I knew it) was over. Now my girls are 7 1/2 and 5 1/2. They go to friends houses and have that "don't let the door hit you on the way out" sort of attitude when I drop them off. This phase will pass. I guess my only advice is to keep trying to "get away". I consistently brought my kids to the daycare at the gym even if they only lasted 15 minutes. After awhile they were good for over an hour and I was able to get a work out in. Good luck!!!!

My son was like that. He's now 10 yrs. old. It gets better. I commend you for staying home. When he was two months old, I ran back to work. When my daughter came along, I stayed home and I just took her everywhere with me. When your daughter naps, do you rest or are you still cleaning, cooking and washing clothes. Stop. Rest. You will still do those things, but conserve your energy. I learned this with baby #2 and it was a much more enjoyable experience. Then, when she woke up, I'd play with her, read to her. She had my time. Then, I'd set her on a blanket in my presence while I read a book. I'd take her with me while I washed or made the bed and then we'd play some more. She had my attention or my presence and she's now very confident and outgoing. I wish I could have had the stamina to do that with my son, but I didn't understand how to meet a baby's emotional needs, and not to my detriment. If your baby is with you, there will come a time, very soon, when she will be able to let go and attach to more people. Try this and then when Dad comes home, the two of you play with her. Gradually start backing out of that alone time with Daddy and see how she does. Try to come up with an activity that only happens when Daddy comes home, like Daddy-sing-time or a special video program. Ask Dad to take on baby bathtime. For first few times, you can be there and then start exiting and entering during the bathtime and see how she does. Eventually, in her mind, Dad will be the bathtime caregiver, and she'll be able to transition a little better. I now see that my son had a hard time with change and there was so much so often when he was a baby. But, now that I have a second child, I can see better what I could have done a little differently to make that period in his life enjoyable for both of us. And trust me, it passes so quickly in the grand scheme of things. She'll be moving away from you in no time and you'll be able to breathe again--until the next developmental milestone :-) .

Sounds like classic seperation anxiety. It is a phase and hopefully won't last very much longer for you but appears around 8 months when babies realize you still exist after you leave. I got the oppisite for 3 months where when I came to pick up my daughter from daycare she would bawl because she didn't want to leave my daycare provider but once we were in the car and home she was happy. I recommend for your sanity to schedule some mommy time out of the house so your little one is with daddy, after she can't sense you she'll calm down it will also help ease the anixiety and allow her to bond with daddy more. I say out of the house more then another room because they know when your in the house. If this doesn't seem to help your ped. should have some advice too.

Hi A.-
I feel your pain, my one year was the same way. I hate to say that you need to let her cry it out some. Mine slept terribly because she would wake up to check on me. At about 5-6 months we did 'sleep training'. I went to another part of the house where I couldn't hear here as much and my husband (who has better tolerance for tears) 'stood guard'. After two nights, she was sleeping through the night.It helped us all mood wise (her daycare noticed the difference!)

During the day, by letting her cry and just doing what I need to do, she has gotten much better about not following me everywhere, wanting to be carried everywhere etc. She is just starting to walk now and that has also helped. I must admit she still prefers me to daddy and will cry if I don't at pick her up and say hello when I first get home, (I sometimes joke she is my 'accessory' instead of a chihuahua).

Their tears are brutal but you need to have a life too and you will all benefit from the space. Best of luck!!

A.,

I know how you feel. My daughter needed to be held all the time since the moment she was born. Fortunately I knew that was comiing (I was the same way when I was a baby, when folks didn't realize that some babies needed to be held more) so I had a sling on hand. Of course, by 8 months my daughter was too big for the sling. But, for at least two years, I desperately needed a weekend at a hotel by myself so I could get some rest. Of course, when I got it I couldn't sleep becasue I was so excited about thinking what I could do by myself.

Lily is just going through seperation anxiety. She will pass through this phase. The day will come when she forgets to kiss you as she runs into her preschool class. In the meantime, on days she sends you over the edge, warn your husband ahead of time, give her to him when he gets home and leave the house. Take a walk around the neighborhood, sit in the sun in the park, anything. But leave immediately with no anxiety about leaving or lingering, because Lily will sense your anxiety For the first few times, I'd only go out for 15 to 30 minutes, because men just don't have the capacity to handle babies any longer at first (men also have a strange sense of reciprocity I need to warn you about: five minutes of childcare on their part converts to five hours of total child responsibility for you). Come back with open arms for your daughter. Often what happens is the child forgets about you once you leave the house and become caught up in the fun the other aduld is offering.

If you can afford it, you might want to consider a child enrichment class such a Gymboree, Little Gym or see what the local Rec Center or YMCA offers. A nearby chuch may offer Mother's Morning Out, too, and this is the age is when they start accepting children. See if there is a Mother's goup in the area. Lots of libraries offer storytime for babies and up. You won't be able to leave the storytime area, but it gets both of you out of the house. If you do a Mother's Morning out, be aware there will be tears, but leave anyway. If she get's hysterical, you'll be called immediately. She'll also learn bad things from other kids, but that happens no matter what.

Do you have any friends or family you can invite over, maybe with their children, to at least be in the same room with Lily? Being a SAHM can be so isolating, I have no family in the area (they wouldn't have helped me anyway) and I was abandoned by people who I thought were me friends after I had my daughter (I was only valuable for what I could do for them. When I became the person in need, I was a pariah).

Hope this helps. This to shall pass, then it will be something else, like not eating, whining, bedwetting, etc.

I know exactly what you are going through. My oldest did the same thing. It is very normal and will pass in a few months. I suggest planning time when your husband can take her and you can go to the grocery store or for a walk or any other short time that you can be alone. You need to have that time and she will learn that she is OK without you. It will be unpleasant for your husband and your daughter but it is important. Hang in there!

Just to add the all the great advice here! About the separation anxiety, around a year she will go through another round (unless she's going through it now, a little early) and that was the one my kids all had the hardest time with. The way my doctor explained it to me at the time was that up until that point, in their little minds, I was literally attached to them. you know, like when they're really little and they see their hand go in front of their eyes, and they're like "Whoa - what was that?" And then they start to find that it's controllable and they can make it do what they need it to - bring that toy here so I can see what it tastes like, suck my fingers, try that Cheerio, whatever. They tend to see us the same way - an extra "arm", you might say. So when they start to see that Mom's really not attached to them - they flip out. "How would you feel if your arm just decided to go to the kitchen without you?" is how it was described to me. That's why teaching them about object permanence can be really helpful. You are their safety net, and you are teaching them a new skill. (If Mom says this is OK, it must be OK...) I hope that makes sense. I really liked the post giving ideas on how to play out this subject (hiding the toy under the couch, etc.) Wish I would have known about this with my little ones!

That good old separation anxiety. I had the same problem when my daughter was that little. I couldn't even take a shower w/o her crying her little head off. It was definitely a phase and at 17 months, prefers dada over me which is absolutely fine. He's the one that does all the funny voices and tosses her up in the air and all that good stuff. I did start taking her to a diaper gym class being offered at our rec center. She was able to interact with other little babies around her age and she loved it. That might have helped a bit.