Would You Attend a Shower If...

You guys obvious aren't that good of friends. My best-friend from HS had difficulties getting pregnant with her son. Then she had a terrible time with number two. In fact, I got pregnant TWICE and had both children before she got pregnant again.

When I got pregnant with number two, she stopped calling me back. I didn't take it personally. She was waging an internal battle of hell, wanting a child, but not being able to reach her goal, and there I was, super fertile, popping out babies.

Being able to say No to people is great, but sometimes the real sign of strength is being able to forgive people of their weakness.

Wow! You sound bitter an selfish! If you had ever experienced infertility you would understand how painful it can be to be around others who are expecting. Ideally she would have been strong enough to handle it, however if you are really her friend you should be able to forgive her that she wasn't (someone does not have ask for forgiveness in order for you to forgive)

Two wrongs don't make a right. She was wrong for what she did to you although I understand her pain but you are correct she should have been there for you. Hence you should be there for her if you were a true friend in my opinion.

Unless you have been in the situation where you are trying depsperately to have a baby, find out a friend is pregnant and are not only NOT happy but completely devastated because you think you'll be childless forever and never get to know the joy of having your own child and are spending countless dollars on trying so hard when everyone in the world around you is just gushing with baby happiness, you will not understand her pain.

When my hubby and I were trying (and trying and trying and trying) I had a hard time even LOOKING a babies and pregnant women. It made me sad to even be around my nephews. It may have felt like she was turning on you when you needed her, but were you there for HER when she needed YOU??

Don't go if you can't be genuwinely happy for her...because your negativity will only bring her down in a moment where she should be in the clouds. If you think about it....she cared enough for you as a friend to not ruin your happiness with her own emotions. So unless you can love and support her as only a good friend can..don't go.

** EDIT ** Ok, so I just reread my response and I recognize that it came off sounding a little harsh. I'm sorry for that because I always try to be very respectful with my response when I answer a question. I've just been there and know what she's going through and how hard her road was. Please Please PLEASE try to be understanding to her. She, I'm very sure, never meant to hurt your feelings. Consider yourself blessed with the fact that your baby(ies) came so easy for you and share your happiness for her new blessing now. Its just the right thing to do. So please try to reconsider.

Yes, I would, and I did. One of my closest friends suffered infertility. We were blessed enough to pregnant quickly. She tried very hard to be supportive, but the bigger I got the harder it got on her as month after month she got her period. I understood and let her pull away. Six months after my son was born she got pregnant. I was thrilled for her, what a wonderful blessing that she had waited so long for! I answered all her questions, attended her shower, and was genuinely happy to share her pregnancy with her - and it was the right thing to do.

Your friend wasn't trying to hurt you, she was trying to protect herself, it really had NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with her trying to function daily while agonizing whether she would ever realize her dream of being a Mom.

I hope you reconsider your selfish stance; heaven forbid you suffer from secondary infertility and have pushed away the one person who could empathize and support you.

I most certainly agree with some of the other posters. I to this day have a hard time being around pregnant women, baby showers, babies in general. I am infertile, and it makes me very uncomfortable when I have to go to these types of "celebrations" knowing that I will never have one of my own.

Maybe your friend needed your support more than you know. Maybe if you would have confronted her about it then she would have told you how she was feeling and you could have worked through it together. I bet once you talk to her she will tell you that she sat and cried that day wanting to be there with you, but just couldn't do it, as I have done before.

Just food for thought, but you call her selfish, without considering her emotions and heartache... kind of a Pot calling the Kettle black thing isn't it?

I think you should bury the hachet, give her a call today and tell her that you can't wait for her shower, and be excited for her the way you expected people to be excited for you.

Sorry if this comes off as being "overprotective" of your friend... but we post on Mamapedia to get other people's opinions right? I really hope you can move past what happened for your shower and get back to enjoying your friendship.....
Good luck!

I had infertility issues and 6 miscarriages before getting pregnant with my son. Being around anyone pregnant was torturous for me. I would fluctuate between extreme sadness to the point of tears or extreme rage.

I actually had to host a baby shower for my cousin while I was having a miscarriage and several times had to go cry in the bathroom to make it through the afternoon...then went to bed for the rest of the weekend.

If she just blew you off then I could understand your reaction. BUT if she blew you off because she was dealing with infertility, I would cut her a whole lot of slack...she probably couldn't have been there for you...the emotional toll working so hard to become pregnant plays on you is impossible to describe to someone who hasn't been through it.

She literally could NOT have been there for you through your pregnancy...emotionally she was unable to do it...you had everything she wanted in the whole world and didn't have to go through all the heartache, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, having to share your most intimate details with a team of doctors, uncomfortable and painful procedures/tests after tests, and feeling judged unworthy of motherhood by the universe...not to mention the tremendous expense of IVF.

So if your hurt goes beyond what she went through then fine...cut her off and continue to be hurt by her actions. If you can even have a slight sympathy for her plight and emotions...be happy for her and shower her and her baby.

Have you ever had to deal with the disappointment and loss that comes with fertility struggles? The depression and the grief? I know I have and trust me, in the midst of the miscarriages and the failures it was very hard to see that other friends could just look at a man and get pregnant.

I would go to the shower and celebrate the fact that after such a long and difficult experience she is actually pregnant.

I think you're being petty and small, and with the selfish attitude you're displaying here you should probably skip the shower anyway as not to rain on her parade and turn it into a "Well you didn't come to my shower" pity party for yourself. Get over it - you're not in junior high anymore.

I keep thinking that just maybe she when through a loss that she did not share with you or any one else. We have been trying from March-08 and have yet to be blessed with a keeper. I can tell you after a loss the last thing I could do would be go to a baby shower or be around a baby belly. You keep thinking what of.

Like others have said, if your friends than you should be able to forgive and move on. If you really are not going, I do not see any need in being rude with your reply of why not. Do as she did and say so sorry I can not make it.

If you consider her your friend you need to go or at least send a gift. If she isn't your friend, then stop talking to her and being her friend. You are being a bit passive aggressive.

I know what she did hurt you terribly. But if she was struggling with infertility and trying to get pregnant, I can understand why she wouldn't want to go to a baby shower...it would be very painful for her. It may have been too painful for her to even tell you why she couldn't be there or come to visit you. Infertility sucks. If you've been lucky enough to not deal with it then you are truly blessed, just know it sucks and it hurts.

If you want to be her friend, then get together with her for lunch or have a phone conversation with her if she lives too far away. Tell her that your feelings were hurt. Maybe that would open the door for her to open up to you about how she felt.

If you can't let this go, then let her go.

Two wrongs don't make a right. It won't make you feel better.

Yes I would attend. Although I've never though of showers at mandatory attendance events.

I was once you AND her. I had a friend who didn't attend my shower. I wasn't understanding. I thought maybe she could have sucked it up even though she was going through stuff and couldn't get pregnant.

Fast forward a few years and I was going through secondary infertility that brought on miscarriages, doctors appts., surgery, anger, depression, etc. I could not have gone to a shower and sucked it up. And I had a kid at home! (I would have sent a gift, had I been invited to one. Thankfully I wasn't.)

My opinion? You should be a little more understanding. You haven't been in her shoes. I never thought I could have so much anger in my heart until I went through it myself. It was a very difficult time in my life and when I look back, I can see where I judged people for being the same way I was. I just hadn't been there yet.

I don't know if you can suck it up and go to her shower, since you also are angry and unhappy. If you feel like it, maybe you could send a gift.

Personally, I think you're being a little unfair. I watched my best friend struggle for years with infertility and because we're like sisters and have been friends since we were very young I knew how bad she hurt. But, not how bad it was completely--she would call my mom crying nearly every month (her own mother died when she was very young). So, even with me she couldn't share how profound her grief was. When I found I was pregnant for a second time I wrote her a long and loving letter telling her that I was expecting and that I knew that this would likely bring very mixed emotions for her. She actually found out she was pregnant and we are due within a few weeks of each other--so it is amazing to get to share this experience with her. Your friend was grieving, seeing you was a very painful reminder to her. If you can find it in your heart to be empathetic to her struggle and her pain you might find that you are able to reconnect during what should be a joyful time for both of you. I can also be quite outspoken, good at setting boundaries, and saying no, but I'm not sure this is the time to do it.

I know this may be difficult to understand but when you are dealing with infertility you are in a very dark place. I had to cut out everyone...for myself and because I was just not the same person. I was bringing everyone around me down and just not fun to be around. People felt they needed to make sure not to mention certain things around me in fear of hurting me.

I know what she did hurt you...but if she was a really good friend before all this mess, please try to forgive her. She knows how she was acting...but it is difficult when you are going through that to explain without coming off jealous or selfish...it's a dark world...

was she a perfect friend to you? no, she wasn't. are you being a good friend to her? not in my opinion. have some compassion for her. i've been where she is, it is VERY difficult to attend baby events when you so desperately want a baby, and just can't seem to get there. she was hurting, she handled that by being distant to protect herself, it's very difficult to understand that unless you've been there. please don't take the low road of "well, you were unsupportive of me, so now i'm not gonna support you". the depression that can accompany infertility can be life shattering and all encompassing, and the hormone therapy can truly turn you into a different person. i would really encourage you to be reasonable and have some compassion for her. she is reaching out to you now, and of course, it is your choice whether you want to make amends or hold a very tough situation against her forever.

i'm also confused as to why you are asking is others would attend. you seem to have made it very clear that you are NOT going. are you looking for folks to change your mind, or do you just want more ammo in proving that you are right?

if you choose to not go, i'd really encourage you to let sleeping dogs lie, no need to call her out on what you perceive as bad behavior, but was likely her trying to keep herself from falling completely apart.

also, have you had your baby yet? if so, congrats!

Wow, When I read your post I was very surprised that you had no compassion for your "friend". Maybe that is why she did not or could not be around you while you were pregnant. She knew you well enough to know you would be thinking about how you felt, but not what all of it made her feel like.

I have never had infertility problems, but I can slightly imagine it must be the most devastating thing in the world to want to have a baby and to be trying so hard and not having positive results. Heartbreaking. It would also make her feel guilty that emotionally she cannot explain her feelings and reactions. Depression is a terrible thing. It makes you shut down, makes you extremely vulnerable, to cope, you have to set up boundaries for yourself. .

I think you know yourself best and since you said you do not want to go because "She was and continues to be selfish and did not support me at all during my entire pregnancy and I can't PRETEND to want to be at her shower. ". Then do her a favor and stay away from her.

I am sending you compassion.

I would go to the shower. A coworker had a baby when I was about 2 months pregnant. I miscarried at 14 weeks, shortly after she had her baby. When she brought the baby into work, I had just returned from having a d & c and I was so angry that I left the area until she left. How dare she bring her baby and brag about her when I just lost mine!

Well...that was really selfish of me, but at the time I was so full of emotion with my loss that I just couldn't participate in her happiness.

I think your friend probably felt the same way and I totally understand. Try to put yourself in her shoes, even though each person would probably react differently.

Stop holding a grudge and be happy for her. What happened was in the past and two wrongs don't make a right. You may feel better temporarily, but you won't in the long run.

I know. My coworker and I never had the same friendship after that, even though she said she understood. Women are emotional beings and are driven by their emotions at times. She was and you are now.

Take the high road and go to the shower if you want to maintain this friendship, or make a decision that the two of you will no longer be friends because the in between isn't a good place to be.

Try and forgive your friend for her behavior. If you can't, then let the friendship die quietly. What's the point in confronting her and saying negativity? At the worst, it could stress out her pregnancy; at the least, will make things awkward if you run into her via a mutual friend, etc.

I think that your pregnancy shut her down emotionally and, since she was so frustrated and heartbroken from her own infertility struggles, that it was hard for her to fake happiness for you. Obviously, she didn't handle it well. There are many women who struggle with infertility and can still manage to be there for their pregnant friends. However I don't think that she intentionally meant to be mean or inconsiderate, but she distanced herself until she was at a better place. She now has offered a peace pipe to you with the belated baby gift and invitation. You don't have to be best buddies with her; you don't even have to continue the friendship at all. But I don't see the point of telling her off.

I would call your friend and tell her you felt like she was avoiding you and it hurt you. Try to hear what she has to say about it. Maybe you will feel better after you guys talk and it can all be cleared up. I never understood why women would avoid other pregnant women until I had a miscarriage. It hurt to see a pregnant women or hear of pregnancy. Maybe she didn't want to be "Debbie Downer" in your time of joy? Who knows? I would talk to her before you decide for sure you're not going.

I agree with other posters. Perhaps your friend wasn't being selfish but was simply hurting. You will not find the answers on this site. You have to decide for yourself whether your friendship with this person, prior to her infertility* problems, is worth salvaging. In that case, you need to have a heart-to-heart with her that you felt very hurt by her distance but that you want to repair the friendship. If you had other issues before your conception, then that's a different story. Good luck making peace either way...

* Please be aware that IVF hormones can really wreak havoc on bodies and emotions. It is possible that your friend didn't leave the couch for days, that she had mood swings like you've never seen, and that she really wasn't acting in a way that is consistent with her personality/values. This is not an excuse, but it is something that women who conceive easily often don't understand or empathize with...

I understand how you feel and don't blame you but I think "doing this because she did that" is petty. As an adult, you should be past that high school mentality...I don't mean that as an insult just as a statement of fact. Would you go to the shower if she hadn't been so distant during your pregnancy? I think the answer is yes, so you should go now. If you are hell-bent on not going send your present and your regrets on time. Later, have lunch with your friend and let her know how you feel.

Keep in mind if she had been trying and wasn't having success, your pregnancy may have felt like a slap in the face to her and it may have been very hard for her to interact with you...she may not have been emotionally able to handle that. After much effort she is finally pregnant and wants to share the good news and all the festivities w/ those she care about.

As someone who dealt with infertility for years and watched many friends go through pregnancies during that time, i can tell you its probably hard to understand the depth of the pain it can cause. its very difficult. It was a struggle every day to hear about their pregnancies and go to their showers. For the most part i tried to suck it up and listen to their joy and smile for them (and then cry later at home). Everyone handles infertility differently though. They compare the stress of it to that of a cancer patient (which i have also been, so i can legitimately agree) and it can be all consuming. NOT that it makes it right, its just easy to fall into that personal bubble when you are being denied such a primal thing that everyone else seems to get so easily. (just a good song that i love to use to try to describe how it feels: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ )

I would assume she feels horrible that she wasn't there for you. But that being said, i understand your hurt from not having her support. And i understand why you might not want to go to her shower or continue this friendship - she wasn't there to share in your joy (that she sent a gift was a nice gesture though to show she was thinking of you and baby), but it also seems you weren't sensetive to share in her sorrow. Being pregnant also makes us sometimes fall into our own little bubble, just like infertility does.

If you really feel strongly about not being there for her pregnancy because she wasn't there for yours, then this is no kind of friendship and you should end the friendship and move on... or if you want to salvage this friendship, i would definitely just go to her open and honestly (like you said you plan to) and tell her that even though she was hurting she actually hurt you too in the process. And allow her to explain her side. It really is a personal choice, and i understand why you're upset, but i've been in her shoes and know a baby shower is a hard place to be for an infertle woman.

I had an awful time conceiving and sometimes being around women that had no trouble at all was hard. I wanted the best for them. I wanted to be happy for them, but it was so incredibly hard and I felt no one understood. We had so much trouble that I really thought we would never have a child. Watching someone being able to hold their own child wrpped my heart out.

Put yourself in her shoes. How easy would it be for you to watch a women have a healthy pregnancy when you knew that might be something you may never have? On top of, it IVF is not an easy process and the chance of getting pregnant using it is not guaranteed. This my be your friends only child depending on what the cause of the infertility.

I think you aren't being understanding at all. It sounded like your friend called you when she was able to handle it emotionally. She sent you a gift. Do you know how incredibly hard it is to go look at baby items when you are experiencing infertility? Believe me it is not a pleasant experience, yet she did it for you. If I were your friend, I am not sure I would want you at my shower.

I think you might have to try and put the shoe on the other foot here.

I have no idea what it is like to have problems getting pregnant. I have gotten preggo within weeks of stopping the pill all 3 times. I can tell you that for the 2-3 weeks of unknowing...that was all I thought about, I was completele consumed by it, I took tons of tests - sometimes more than one in a day. That was only 2-3 weeks...I cannot imagine YEARS of waiting.

It was probably just so hard for her to be around anyone who was pregnant. I'm sure she felt conflicted. Just please try to put the shoe on the other foot and then decide.

I guess you need to just determine if you can get past it. If not, and you don't want to continue a relationship with her, then don't go and let it fizzle out. But if she is important to her, be there for her and share in the joy that she is experiencing now. She waited a very long time and went through a lot to get where she is.

It's not about gifts and it's not about parties. It's about friendship.

It doesn't sound like she was a good friend and it sounds like you don't really want to be her friend any more. If that's true, stop taking her calls, RSVP "no" to her shower and do not give a reason why. Phase her out of your life - she will get the picture.

If you want to repair and maintain the friendship, a nice handwritten letter explaining how she hurt you would be in order. If she apologies, then you can forgive and make up. If she doesn't, then reconsider whether or not this person is actually your real friend.

If you've never been through infertility treatments and the emotional torture that goes with it you probably can't understand how hard it is to have failed IVF and then see everyone in the world pregnant but you. There is no guarantee that IVF will eventually work. When you are going through it all you can think about is that you may NEVER have a child. It is truly heartbreaking! I would think about that for a while and try to forgive your friend. She could not sit through a shower while going through it. It isn't about you it's about her having to deal with one of the most difficult times in her life. the stress is equal to having cancer or losing someone close to you they say.Please reconsider.

Hi F.,

I'm sorry you are feeling unsupported by your friend. Pregnancy is one of those times that women deserve to and need to be supported by friends and family. We don't always understand the actions of others, especially ones that we call friends. However, I tend to agree with Adansmama that your friend just didn't handle your pregnancy well due to the path she was on with ivf.

I've never had trouble conceiving but did suffer a pregnancy loss after having 2 normal, healthy pregnancies. I was on an emotional roller coaster for a while after that loss and didn't care to be around friends who were pregnant or having babies. As the estimated due date of our spirit baby approached, I was overcome with the grief wave until I found out we were expecting. Some friends and family didn't understand my need to distance myself or the grieving process I was going through to "heal".

I encourage you to have the heart to heart with your friend. It sounds to me like she possibly could have distanced herself from you because she was trying to get pregnant and you did it...maybe it seemed easy for you; something that she desired more than anything and was working so hard to achieve....lots of emotions, stress, and wondering if it would ever happen for her. If she is/was a good friend, you'll be supportive and understanding with the "why" behind her actions. While her actions may not have been intentional, being there for you during your pregnancy may just have been too difficult for her for reasons you may not be aware of or fully understand

Be gentle with her, she is reaching out to you and wants you to be involved in this special time in her life. Yes, it's unfortunate she wasn't there for you and those actions hurt you.

To answer your question, my attending would be based off of my overall feelings for my friend. Do I still consider her a friend? Do I want to share in this experience with her? I tend to think I would attend but I definitely would have a heart to heart prior to making that decision.

Peace,
J.

If it was me, I would attend if I could. I have had several friends who have battled infertility, and I know my pregnancies have been difficult for them. If this person was a true friend before you got pregnant, I would not let her emotions and feelings of inadequacy as she struggled with infertility ruin a perfectly good friendship. Your friend was obviously selfish, but you're being childish in return. I can't imagine blowing off a true friend as you say you will, or sinking to her level out of spite. However, if it wasn't a good friend to begin with, you can go ahead and let the friendship slide. It sounds like a good time for the break to take place.

i would have a hard time swallowing that one as well. BUT. becoming a mother, trying to conceive, it's a VERY painful subject for someone who is trying and can't. your friend didn't handle your pregnancy well. i would say a heart to heart is in order. be honest and clear the air with her. let her know that she hurt you, you understand why, but it still hurt. ask her, now that she is pregnant, can she understand just HOW upsetting someone raining on her parade would be...assuming she realizes her mistake and sees things differently now...THEN i would go to the shower.

I was there - trying to conceive for 3 years, watching all of my friends get pregnant and have babies was really painful. If you don't want to go to the shower on principal, I can understand that, but you should also try to understand her.

I would not attend. She was disrespectful in your time of need. I know she was going through invitro when you were pregnant, but she should have gotten past that and been happy for you instead! I wouldn't go unless you can move past this issue- if you can, then turn over a new leaf and hope things work out for the best.

M

It sounds like your friend hurt your feelings. First, she didn't communicate with you or celebrate with you when you were pregnant. Then, she wanted to reconnect when she became pregnant. She wants something she didn't give you - just about anyone would be angry and hurt about that.

If I were you, I wouldn't want to go to the shower feeling angry and hurt. At the same time, I wouldn't want to widen the breach in the friendship.

So, if it were me, before I decided about going to the shower, I would talk with my friend. Maybe I'd invite her out for a smoothie or a walk, or if I were feeling really strongly, maybe I'd write a letter - not an email! :) - so I could make sure I'm speaking my truth in a way that's sincere but still calm and compassionate. If it were me, my goal would be to try to heal our friendship, so that both of us could celebrate the new joy in each others' lives.

I think I'd just be honest with her. I'd say, "I felt sad and abandoned (or however you felt) when we lost contact during my pregnancy. And while I am so happy for you about your pregnancy, I feel like we lost our connection. Can you help me understand what happened so that we can put our friendship on a good footing again, and can we talk about what to do next?"

If she wasn't interested, that's okay - that would be my answer for the shower, too. But if that conversation went well, then I'd put the past behind me, go to the shower, celebrate with my friend, and see it as more than one new beginning. :)

The problem is your friend should have expressed at the time of your pregnancy that she couldn't deal with it. If she did you would have understood. But her way of telling you was avoiding you. Not the most mature way but she was in pain. You've heard sad stories of moms who miscarried and couldn't be near or look at a pregnant woman for fear of breaking down. It's the same thing. Now after all her TTC she is pregnant. I would definitly tell her why you are uncomfortable and how she made you feel, most likely since she is calling you everyday, she has no clue that she hurt you and probably assumed since you were such great friends that you figured out why she stayed away. You are not definate you won't go , becasue if you were you wouldn't have asked us. I think you love your friend but you are hurt and rightfully so. I would talk to her , resolve our issues and go to the shower.

Would I attend? Yes.
Why? Because she is my friend and I would like to share her joy and participate in the celebration of a huge upcoming event in her life.
I would attend because, having had 3 miscarriages myself, I know how difficult it was for me to be around babies and pregnant women after losing 3 babies myself. It was very painful. I hope that my friend would understand that. I would attend because I would hope my friendship would be more important than the petty attitude of tit-for-tat and a "take THAT!" kind of attitude. I would feel it's time to transcend.

your friend was in a lot of emotional pain during your pregnancy. What the two of you need to do is talk it out, not just distance yourself if you really want to keep this friendship. I had a cousin who had recently had a miscarriage when I was pregnant and I felt bad flaunting my big prego belly when hers was empty. She never said anything, but you could still tell she was in pain.

I dealt with infertility for years. I was one of the lucky ones that my first IVF worked and carried through. If she was a really good friend before, don't write her off. If she was so so, think about it first. It hurt to go to someone else's baby shower, or to listen to everyone else talk about how cute the newborn is, or plans for nursery and everything else. When you go through infertility, especially multiple attempts, you get to a point that you start to lose hope and wonder "why can't I"? Even worse is reading about someone hurting their child--they could but I can't and I would never hurt my child. It is really hard to watch someone grow with a baby, and talk about the experience and then at the shower, everything is about having the baby. It kind of makes it even harder to be positive about the whole fertility problem. And then you have to think, do I go, listen, talk, etc and try to show happy or do I run to the bathroom and cry because I am not there (adding in the word yet as that glimmer of hope that one day...) Think about it some more.

I'd ask her why she wanted to be friends with me.

I have a friend who dropped out of my life. I think it's because she became ill. I was able to have children. She couldn't and ended up adopting. I couldn't understand it. My dad said that some people don't like others to see them when they change for the worse.

Your friend probably couldn't handle seeing you being what she wanted when she wasn't able to be the same. Now that she is able to have children too, you aren't a threat to her. It just shows a weakness in her character. She doesn't sound like a true friend. She's comparing herself to you. That's not the sort of friend I would want.

I'd ask her what happened, why she's friends with you, and then decide if she is someone that you want to be friends with.

Good luck,
: ) Maureen

HMMM....this is a tricky one. Maybe you could put yourself in her shoes? She was wanting a baby so desperately and to no avail. During her struggle, you became pregnant and had a baby. That was probably very hard for her to hear about because she was so sad about her situation. Now she is finally pregnant and wants you to be a part of it because she must think really highly of you as a friend. The reason I'm guessing that is how she is feeling is because I feel that way sometimes. I have two kids and would love more, but husband doesn't. So, sometimes I am a little envious or sad when someone I know is pregnant because I wish it were me :-)

On the other hand, if I were you, I would have a hard time going to her shower and being okay with everything....but, just know that you have a healthy baby and hopefully she will too. Go to the shower and have a good time! :-)

Honestly I think you're the one being selfish. You clearly have NO IDEA what it's like for someone to deal with infertility. I have had only a teeny, tiny taste of it myself when I was a gestational carrier for someone and our first IVF cycle failed. It was devastating. The guilt and grief and feeling of failure were overwhelming, and I was the one who already had four kids. I know that what I felt was magnified 100 times for the intended parents. I have had many friends and relatives who struggled with infertility and sometimes hearing that yet another friend or family member was pregnant was just too much. They would try to be happy but it just amplified for them what was missing in their lives. A lot of infertile women get to a point where one more "I'm pregnant" call from someone else is too much. Where seeing a pregnant belly or hearing someone talk about being pregnant makes them burst into tears. Where going to a baby shower is like an afternoon from hell. Your friend was at the dark place. Try to have some empathy and compassion for her - she probably felt terrible that she couldn't get past her own feelings to share your joy but she just couldn't. And that's not selfish on her part at all.

So after dealing with her own private hell she's finally pregnant and you won't share her joy? Can you really not get past this and think ahead to how nice it will be to be able to trade baby stories and be in each others' lives as your children grow up? If you really are that offended and can't see continuing the friendship, simply decline the invitation, DO NOT TELL HER WHY or you'll look like a selfish and mean-spirited person, and move on. But really, try to see it from her point of view. Her decision was one of self-preservation and dealing with grief and trauma, not about snubbing you. Have some compassion and let yourself be a good friend to her.

If she is a friend you want to keep in your life, I would 1) go out for lunch and catch up on things and repair the damaged relationship and 2) would go to the shower.
Keeping score of who did what in a friendship and who didn't do what we wanted is not good. I say put the past in the past.
That's just me.

Hi F.- I detest confrontation so, if I decided not to go I would probably take the coward's way out and ignore her invitation the way she ignored yours. However, since you seem to be more straightforward than I am (a trait I admire and even envy a bit) I would tell her how you feel, regardless of whether or not you go to the shower. If you want to go, go but tell her that her blowing you off hurt and you seriously considered not going beacuse of that. If you want to be involved with her and her new life, don't miss it simply because of her actions. However, if you DON'T want to go, don't go but RSVP on time with an explanation, since her lack of RSVP and reason was one of the things you sited as upsetting you.

If I talked to her about why I would not attend and she opened up and apologized for how she handled herself, then I think I would go. She did send a gift, so you can also just bow out and send a gift afterward to her as well, I think that will get the point across. Good luck!

Yes, I would attend.
I'm not minimizing your pain and grief over the fact that she cut you off for a period of time. I'm sure that you are hurt by that. I would be too.
However, put yourself in her shoes. She was trying really hard to do what you were able to do no problem. She also felt that she may never be able to do what you did (conceive) and it was probably too painful for her as well to be around you to celebrate with you.
Try to be forgiving of her. She was wrong to cut you off, but it was most likely not to hurt you, but to protect herself. A little selfish of her, yes. But, if you want to salvage the relationship, I suggest that you just tell her you were hurt by her actions and that you love her and want to remain in her and her childs life. Attend her shower graciously and be grateful that you and your friend are both having children and this is another chapter of your life that you'll be able to share with her.

If she has been a good friend, other than this issue, I would forgive her and go. I have a 2 year old little boy, and my friend/neighbor was trying to get pregnant the same time I was with my son (which is 2 now), she still hasnt succeeded in having a baby. I, am now, pregnant with baby # 3 and if I could get away with her never finding out, trust me I would. I actually dread the day I have to eventually tell her. I have almost considered having a baby for her. So, to put things in perspective, I am probably going to give birth to 2 children before she has been able to have one. Its heartbreaking and nothing to take lightly. Shes one of the first people I thought about when I found out I was pregnant again (unplanned). I think you should support her if you can.

I had the same thing happen to me I have a really good friend her and her husband have been trying for years and I came out pregnant first it took me 2 years as well but once she found out she wouldn't text me or call me everyday like before and didn't attend my shower as well I must say if she came out pregnant I would attend because I think she deserves to have a baby and understand that it probably hurt her to have tried and have spent so much money I'm sure it was probably harder emotionally for you friend as well as mine

I don't think you are being selfish or acting like you're in junior high. I'm suprised some responses are coming down so harsh. Why is her reaction so accepted but yours is not?? Because she had fertility problems, yes. BUT your reaction is only natural just like hers. This is of course assuming you didn't throw your pregnancy in her face and you were tactful when telling her, and offered support and a shoulder if she needed it.
I am almost positive she could have at least picked up the phone just once within those 6 months and explained to you, 'Hey i'm so so sorry but your pregnancy rips my heart out and i cannot stand to be around pregnant women but when i have resolved my issues and am able to, i would like to resume our friendship.' Would that have been so hard to do?? I am sure she must have had 1 good day sometime. I lost my dad in 2006 and it pained me and still does to see and hear about friends and their special moments with their dads but in no way would i cut them off! I just think if she valued the friendship enough she would have kept the communication line open. I certainly would have. I don't think it's so horrible that you at least wanted that. Does she think you wouldn't have understood? Did she do this with all her mom friends? If anything is immature it's the fact that she didn't express her feelings to you, she was too bitter obviously. Now she wants to pop back into your life without acknowleging anything or even a simple sorry, right?
Yes i'm sure what she went through was awful, but just look at it like this: If she never became pregnant ever, she most likely would have continued to stay away and not wanted to be friends. So her friendship with you is conditional, basically.
That doesn't sound like a true friend.

You can skip it if you want, your decision, but I would not tell her off. She was in a bad place, and did not want to dwell on her misery, and piss on your parade. Now that she is pregnant, she wants to rekindle that friendship. She is reaching out. Ball is in your court. Have not read any of the responses, but it looks like you probably kicked the hornet's nest. be kind. At least send a gift of similar value if you can. Life is too short to hold venom.

I would not attend. In my opinion, this is not a friend anymore, but an acquaintance. Go to concert with her, or for a drink, but I would not do things of great personal importance.

F.,
The only response I have for your question is that you are the only one who can decide whether you should go. No matter who was/is wrong or right you were hurt. It is okay for you to feel hurt. If you don't feel you can attend for whatever reason- anger, hurt, whatever- that is your right. If it were me and I didn't feel I could attend I would just decline the invitation. If you feel like you want to give a reason tell her that you would be uncomfortable going and you don't think it beneficial for your friendship.
I more wanted to say something about your update. You sound very angry- and you have right to be. It sounds like you had a very difficult time lately. With all that's happened in your life in the last few years (the infertility issues, having a baby, and the issues with your husband) I imagine you must be going through a lot of stress and emotions. It may help you to have someone to talk to- someone who can help you deal with everything you have been through. Good luck to you and congratulations on your daughter.

I would attend. I have come to realize that people handle difficult situations in various ways. Some people face their troubles head on while others withdraw. Some people talk alot about their issues while others don't or can't disucss them. While I've never been in your friends situation, I have known people with fertility issues to act in what might seem like a selfish manner. In reality, it was self-preservation. They were going through something very painful and were doing what they needed to do to avoid more pain (such as in seeing a happy mom-to-be). If I were in your shoes, I would cut my friend some slack and attend the shower. If I felt I couldn't truly be happy for her at the shower, I would send my regrets with a nice gift.

I do think you first need to evaluate the friendship and decide whether it was only the period of your pregnancy and her withdrawal that is the problem or whether that was the straw that broke the camel's back. If otherwise this has been a good friendship, then instead of telling your friend you are not coming to her shower, I would tell her you're having a hard time thinking about going to the shower because you are still hurt that she did not attend yours or show any interest in your pregnancy. Give her a chance to apologize, which she might want to do but not know how to do (the fact that she offered a belated shower gift hints at that). If she were to give you a heartfelt apology -- something along the lines of, "I am really sorry I could not be there for you during your pregnancy. It was just so hard for me to be around anyone who was pregnant. I did not want to have to pretend I was happy for you -- you would have seen right through me -- I really wanted to be happy but just was so heartbroken over the possibility that I might never have children. I know I handled myself poorly, and I'm sorry I just abandoned you without explaining anything" would you be able to patch things up? If yes, then give her this chance. Just try to avoid focusing on what SHE did as much as possible and instead focus on how YOU are feeling.

If you think about it, your friend was preoccupied with some emotional issues during your pregnancy and could not be 100% happy for you or invovled during that time. Now you are preoccpied with some emotional issues during her pregnancy. They are different issues, sure, but in both cases I think it might have helped if you and your friend had been up front about your issues from the beginning. It is emotionally stressful to pretend not to be upset about something. Usually negative feelings just fester and multiply until they explode. If it's not already too late, I'd let some of those feelings out in as controled and polite a way as possible.

I agree with you. I would NOT attend her shower. While I understand how hurtful it was for her that you were pregnant and she wasn't, she still should have been happy for you and remained in your life throughout your pregnancy. It is just too hurtful for some people who have a strong desire to be pregnant and aren't able to conceive (or stay pregnant). However, as hurtful as it was for her, she should have been happy for you, so I think she was wrong. If she asks you why you are not going to her shower, simply tell her (with no anger or drama) "Because you weren't there for me during my pregnancy, and you didn't attend my shower." If her response is "It was too hurtful for me," you should say, "I am your good friend and you should have been happy for me. Instead, you made it all about you and your misery of not being pregnant." And that should be all. Leave it at that. You might lose your friendship over this, but then again, she wasn't really a true friend to you anyway. I know it hurts, but I'm sure you have other great friends and will continue to make more great friends.

Okay, I just read what Danielle B. wrote and I would like to respond. I understand how painful it is wanting a baby so desperately and not being able to get pregnant (or stay pregnant), but people in that unfortunate situation should STILL be happy for their pregnant friends. I know it hurts, but they should put on a happy face for their friends and not make it about them and their failure to be pregnant. This is about you and your pregnancy - NOT them and their failure to be pregnant. I feel for people like Danielle B. who have a very hard time conceiving, but I still disagree with what she said.

Infertility is HORRIBLE! It is so hard and you can't begin to imagine the pain of wanting nothing more then to be a mother (or like in my case a mother again). Give her a lot of slack. I am sure she never meant to hurt your feelings. But sometimes the best thing for some who has fertility issues to do is to pull away. It is the only way we can make it through the rain with out going completely insane. My sister and I are still not talking because of this. She got pregnant and I couldn't handle the CONSTANT rubbing in my face of her pregnancy. So I pulled away and stopped talking to her. She because furious and made it all about her and how I was not there for her during her pregnancy. When I became pregnant after years of trying she decided to continue to be spitefull and have nothing to do with me or her new nephew. It is sad because I love my nephew and want to be with him as much as possible. But she like you was so hurt by me not being there for her because I emotionally just COULD NOT DO IT that she has ruined our relationship and the one she had with both her nephews. Forgive her. Give her some slack. And be there for her. Be the bigger person.

Suck it up and go. You're sinking to her level by being childish and thinking that it's going to hurt her feelings if you don't go.

How sad for her, she must have been devastated when you got pregnant and she still couldn't.

I know one of my friends had a hard time with her sisters getting pregnant and she was still not conceiving. She eventually just shut down almost all the way, she even contemplated suicide because someone around her was pregnant.

She got pregnant lat year, after years of trying, but lost the baby, becoming pregnant was a miracle, they have been told her husband is sterile.

She is at the point now that she has accepted she'll never carry her own child inside her. She is able to enjoy her sisters getting pregnant and having multiple nieces and nephews.

Your friend has missed you on some level even while being miserable about your pregnancy and child. I would try to look at things from her point of view and talk to her first, without anger or preconceived ideas. Then go from there, you will have more in common now.

I would not attend. I don't really like baby showers in general and stopped feeling obligated to go to them a few years ago. If it's a close friend that I speak to/see often, I will go because I want to be there for them. If it's an acquaintance or a friend I don't talk to often and almost never see, I'll skip it. I will often still send a gift when the baby is born, because it's not the gift giving part I don't like, it's the shower itself.

Given the way your friend sounds, I am guessing that she is going to take your skipping the shower as a huge insult, so be prepared for the friendship to be over completely. If you're not really ready to throw in the towel, you should consider going. OR, have a heart to heart talk with her about how much it hurt you when she dropped out of your life and why you're struggling with this decision now.

If she was having fertility issues .........believe me, its been a long road for her. Not just that but a heartbreaking road as well.
Now she's pregnant. Celebrate with her. Try to imagine yourself trying to have a baby and not being able to and then try to imagine how you would feel when you DID get pregnant. I don't even know her and I'M HAPPY FOR HER.
Pls. reconsider. If she is truly your friend.

I love to go to showers, baby or bridal but if she were my friend, I would not go. Like you said, it's the principle. However if she continues to press the issue, I would then tell her my reason.

F.,
I agree with Anneka. Yes, you can put yourself in someone else's shoes but in the end if what she did hurt you beyond repair, then end the friendship. Make-up excuses why you can't talk, don't anwswer the phone, etc, hopefully she'll get the hint. If you want to stay her friend, you may need to sit her down and tell her why you are so angry. Again hopefully she gets it. That will give you the answer of whether to go or not.

Good luck, either way it doesn't sound like an easy time ahead of you.

~K.

I would attend. Unless you've been in a situation where you are having trouble conceiving, you cannot understand what she was going through.

Hi F.,
I can tell you that when I was trying to conceive and some of my friends became pregnant, it was just so hard for me that I did stop communicating with them, and in fact, did avoid (my best friend!) We had become pregnant at the same time, and I subsequently lost my baby. I was devastated, and just was not in a place to communicate responsible about where I was at and how hard the whole thing was for me. Of course I was happy for her, but I was just so devastated for myself that I needed some space from her and her joy (and I know she didn't have an easy time of it, either!). As some other folks have said, infertility is just such a personal think, and some of us are better at communicating our wants, needs, despair and desparation than others. My guess is that she just couldn;'t handle your pregnancy due to her own feelings, and now that she is in a place to have some hope and positivity, she is reaching out to you to reestablish your friendship.

If you want to go to her shower, go! If you don't want to, then stay home.
You could always tell her that her choice to disappear hurt your feelings; my guess is that she already knows that she hurt you by now being there for you during that special time in your life. You can use this as a lovely opportunity to reconnect and be available to support each other. You already know what it is like to be a new mom, you can share that with her. She may not know how to support you in your current challenging situation, but you can give her the opportunity to try.

If it was my friend, I would attend if she felt like a friend and if I wanted to resume the friendship. I have been in her shoes and totally understand where she was coming from. In my case, I wasn't trying to hurt my friends feelings, I was just trying my best to protect myself during the worst time in my life (I did have cancer, and the infertility was so much worse!).

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

I would go, because friendship - real, true, genuine friendship - is loving and giving without expecting anything in return. That isn't to say one is supposed to be a doormat and let people walk all over them, but this isn't that kind of situation. Your friend went through something that you can't possibly understand or know what to say or how to deal with. I'm not saying that her response or cutting you out of her life was right, because it isn't.

I went through something similar with my best friend. She got pregnant a few weeks before me and about one week after I found out I was pregnant she lost her baby. She cut me out of her life for three months because she said I was selfish and didn't care, which was totally untrue. It hurt and our friendship is different now because of it, but none the less, we're still friends. She ended up conceiving about two months before my daughter was born.

Even though my perspective on our friendship has changed, it doesn't make me any less there for her because she cut me out of her life because of her own personal pain and dealing with her situation. I can see things from her perspective, no matter how wrong I think it is, because our own personal pains and hardships can sometimes distort our perception of reality.

The fact is she needs you. If you are or ever were a true friend you will set aside any hurt that you feel and understand that whatever it was that she was going through was bigger than you. I don't really think that she is the one being selfish in this situation. Fertility is a sensitive subject. If you tell her no and then tell her why, you are going to be the one that looks foolish not her.

Yes I would attend. Though I haven't faced it myself, I empathize deeply with those struggling with infertility. If you go, you will enjoy the reward of looking in the mirror and knowing you are a strong and compassionate person.

That said, I would also present her with a gentle opportunity to apologize. She very likely wants to and just doesn't know how to do it. So, you are in a position to do a double good deed.

F.,
For your original question, I would attend, but I would also tell her how I feel. Clearly you still carry a lot of anger. People mess up all the time and often it is not intentional. I believe that when you talk with her that she will apologize. What you need to decide is if you can forgive her when she does - can you leave the past in the past and move forward. For me, I look at each day to make my life better, so I would go to the shower in an attempt to move the relationship forward in a more positive way. Despite any one's opinion on this forum, this is a very personal choice and you are neither a good or bad person for whatever you choose - it is just individual choice.
As for your second question, I am not sure how being a single parent is "raining on her parade "or "stealing her joy"? She deserves to be happy just as much as you, but that does not mean she is not capable of empathy. It seems to me that you have some one that really wants to be your friend right now and it seems to me that you could really use the friendship. I am not saying that you need to deny your feelings or only cater to her needs, but I do think you have an opportunity to put the past behind you and have a great friend and playmate for your daughter.
Good luck,
C.

Nope- I would not go. She is not a true friend and furthermore is an immature and selfish person.

If you still consider her a friend then you should go. It's not about the fact that she did not go to yours, it's about being the better person and letting the past remain there, in the past.

Hi! Try to give her a break...During my years if infertility treatment, it was too difficult to go to anybody's shower or christening until after I was well underway in the adoption process for my little man...I would always "have another commitment" and then send something that didn't involve going to Babies "R Us. So I would go but if you're still upset, perhaps, you could be busy or sick or something like that so it won't end the friendship.
Good luck
M.

Hi F.,

There are two different issues here. If you are truly "done" with the friendship, then I think there isn't much point in discussing the pros and cons of going to her shower. I totally understand - sometimes it just takes something big for you to realise that a friendship has ALWAYS been out of whack and unbalanced, and so, when you have kids you tend to just make time for the friendships that "count".

On the other hand, if the vast majority of your feelings stem from her not engaging with you and your pregnancy while you know that this is most likely due to her inability to deal with ANYONE being pregnant while she went through in vetro (and probably feared she'd NEVER get pregnant) than I personally would try to repair things. And blowing her off, when you're in a healthy and happy space with your baby seems a bit selfish too.

I'm just saying that the primal feelings we all get around getting pregnant, being pregnant, being parents are sometimes really beyond out control. I had a miscarriage and then found out about 2 weeks later that my sis in law was pregnant. She sent me a text to tell me. I was totally disgusted (not to mention upset, embarrassed - lots of irrational stuff going on at the time). But when I spoke with her I realised it was because she was deathly afraid to tell me - seeing as her brother's wife had also been trying to get pregnant for YEARS - and SHE was feeling horrible, because she wanted to share the good news but knew it could potentially upset a lot of people close to her.

All I'm saying is give your friend a break. She's pregnant now and wants to be "part of the club". If she's ringing you all the time it's obviously because she values you and your insights as a mom. And that's a lovely thing. It doesn't mean you can't explain to her that you were hurt by her actions (or inactions!), but you kinda hold the power here - so tread thoughtfully.

Just my two cents anyway!

All the best,
V.

I'm sorry you have had such a painful time with your pregnancy and with your baby's father. I think you should try to let go of the anger you have at your friend. She wasn't there for you when you needed her, didn't go to your shower. Okay, that is in the past. Holding onto that anger and disappointment all these months later is not worth it. You have enough to deal with without that nonsense.

Trying to make a point on principle by not going to her shower is just pointless. You need to let it go. I would tell her how angry it made you and how you feel about it now. But, really infertility is so painful and everyone deals with it differently. For some it is just not possible to hear about a friend's pregnancy and go to baby showers and be around babies. It is just too painful, regardless of the fact that she was happy for you. It seems like you have no understanding of how it effected her, regardless of how your issues effected you. So holding onto your anger all these months later seems like a bad idea. I think, since you are still upset about it, it's totally reasonable to tell her to stop calling you and no she can't copy your invite. Fine. Tell her how you feel and move on. If you are going to act in your friendships on principle in this way, I don't see you having good friendships. It's not about tit for tat and getting back at someone when they hurt you, by trying to do the same thing back to them. For one thing, she has NO idea you are feeling any of this. Friendship isn't equal. Sometimes we are all about ourselves and good friends get that or tell us to knock it off, other times it's their turn to be all about them.

So, as to your first question. I'd go if I wanted to go. But if I was going to be angry and not enjoy it I wouldn't go. But I certainly would not stay home on principle. And if you do that, I don't think it will make you feel any better. You will sit home sulking and if she doesn't get as hurt by your not going as you are from her not going to her, then you will be even more angry. I urge you to talk to your friend and come to peace over this. You have a little baby and it is a shame to be distracted by all this anger that is unnecessary.

As for raining on her parade? Of course you should tell her. Life is messy. We all can't have happy lives just because our friends have happiness. It's not raining on her parade to tell her about your unfortunately unhappy position now. Good luck with it.

Be kind,...to yourself and to your friend. Try to find an action that you are comfortable with that does not compromise your principles where you are not acting out of spite or revenge but where you are able to express your sadness at her past actions...and the way she hurt you.

It sounds like she avoided you while you were pregnant because it was painful to her. It's entirely possible that in her journey to become pregnant she may have even lost a pregnancy (or more than one!). As someone who has been through that myself, I am extremely sensitive to that situation. I myself avoided friends who were pregnant while going through that time in my life.

Do not judge her too harshly. She is happy now, and wants to include you in her joy. If it hurt you so much, I would tell her gently that it hurt your feelings when she avoided you... but I wouldn't avoid her back.

Good luck to your friend, and I hope it all works out.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with her. Most likely she was angry at you for being pregnant. Many women that struggle with infertility often become angry when friends and family members are pregnant. I think it's just really really hard for them. We, as humans, are generally selfish in nature. Chances are she though "Why her and not me?" It's not that she didn't like you anymore, she probably just honestly couldn't handle it. It's so hard for those of us with out infertility problems to understand.
If you value her friendship and want to have a continued relationship with her, I would call and ask her to meet you for lunch. Tell her honestly and openly how her actions really hurt you & that you're having a hard time being there for her since she wasn't there for you. Let her explain. Or she'll get really mad and just leave. I suppose either way you'll have your answer.
But, if you don't want her in your life, then just RSVP "no" to the shower and ignore her phone calls. Personally, I would want her to know why I wasn't talking to her anymore.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I would. While I didn't feel this way when trying unsuccessfully to conceive, I can see that it might be very h*** o* someone to support other moms when you are broken hearted about not being able to, yourself. You have your precious child. Let bygones be bygones and be happy for her. Gosh, if your friendship is intact, why would you do this just to prove a point? Why not let her know how hurt you were, and she may be able to open up about why? A good excuse to start a conversation and forgiveness, or this will stand between you forever.

If, on the other hand, she has always been selfish, to the point that you can't condone it, then maybe it's time to let the relationship go. That might become clear after your heart-to-heart too.

You've received a ton of posts on both sides. I have read your other posts and I know you have been through a lot. I guess I would suggest that you allow for the fact that you have a short fuse because of so much other stress in your life. I would also look at whether she has disappointed you in other ways at other times, or is the problem purely surrounding the pregnancy? She may be trying extra hard to bring you back into her life but it's coming off as "me me me" -- maybe she just doesn't know any other way, and is trying to share the now-common bond of pregnancy. It would be better if someone else were planning her shower for her - you're really not supposed to plan your own. But maybe she doesn't have anyone in her life now - perhaps she has alienated others and this is her way (annoying though it is) of reaching out to you. Try to separate the problems in your life from the problems in hers - figure out if what you once had was a relationship worth saving. If not, just decline without a lot of explanation. If you can be a better person that she was, all the better. But if you cannot be positive and smiling, then decline. Let her get through the pregnancy and birth. When her baby is 6 months old, if you still feel the need to explain and settle the score, then do so, expecting nothing in return.

I had lost a baby in March of this year. It hurt so bad. I knew that my sister in law was having a baby in June and that didn't bother me. But when my neighbor announced that she was due in Feb and my husbands best friends wife is due in December it hurt like hell. I asked the question here and got alot of good advice. So I would think about how you would have felt if you were in her position. Some people base their whole life around having a baby and it does hurt when your are trying and can't and everyone around is having babies. I know that she may seem selfish to you but understand too that she is very excited about this baby. She did in turn send you a gift so she probably thought about what she was doing to others. Some ppl feel that it is better to pull themselves away from situations that make them feel uncomfortable. I know that you were hurt by her but understand her situation and think about how you would have felt. If you truely do not want to go then don't by all means. But send something small and she will understand.

Infertility is terrible. Fertility treatments, while offering some hope, in many ways make it even worse. It took 18 months of fertility treatments to conceive my first child, including 3 back-to-back ivf cycles -- I'm just going to tell you of my experience. Imagine, first, the wonderful hope of each cycle you try with each new drug or treatment. Imagine giving yourself daily injections, sometimes twice a day, which sometimes make you feel just terrible because of side effects (One of the drugs I was on gave me a migraine and hot flashes for 2 weeks at a time). Some of the drugs ripen lots of eggs at once (the ones used for ivf) and make your ovaries enlarged to the point that they are very very tender, and moving around too much is painful. And, of course, you're terribly hormonal -- after all, your injecting yourself with large amounts of purified human folicle stimulating hormone. Then, when you get close to the time to collect the eggs, there's a few days to a week of daily ultrasounds and blood tests, very very early in the morning because they need to be able to get the results in order to change dosages for that evening or schedule things for the next day... Then the egg retrieval is often done under a general anaesthetic... they use a giant needle, guided by ultrasound, to go through the vaginal wall and into the ovary to harvest the ripe eggs. While you're doing this, your partner is sent into a little room with a jar to provide his sample. Then, hopefully, at least some of the eggs will be fertilized in a petri dish in a sterile little room under the watchful eye of a doctor. You get a call the next day, letting you know how many "embies" (embryos) you have, and they're allowed to grow in that petri dish for 3-5 days, while you worry about them. Some of them won't make it that long. Then they pick the best of them for transfer... do you transfer only one? Do you up your chances by transferring 2? 3? 4? Do you want to risk multiples? High order multiples? (Hopefully your doctor is responsible and will transfer a maximum of 3 or 4) The transfer is physically rather easy -- just a catheter to put the embryos into your womb. (What do you do with the extras if there are any? Freeze them? Let them go? None of mine lasted to be 5 days old which is needed for freezing) Now you go home and rest, and worry, and wait. You can't take a pg test for 10 days (I think) and the home tests aren't reliable because you had an hcg shot as part of the process, which is the hormone they test for. Sometimes you put yourself on bed rest for a few days because you've heard it ups your chances. And you wait. And hope. And pray. And then you go for the test, and either it's a yes, or more likely, it's negative, and you go crashing down from all that hope into the depths of despair. (Don't even ask about "chemical pregnancies," where you get a very weak positive, then a negative.) It's truly an emotional roller-coaster. And you try to get your ducks in a row for the next cycle/ride if you've decided to get on again, or you start dealing with the fact that you're stopping and decide what to do next. They say that the stress levels when going through fertility treatments are roughly equal to a life-threatening cancer. Never having had cancer, I can't say, but I do know that nothing else I have experienced compares. It effects your entire life.

Moody does not begin to describe me at that time. Imagine the worst PMS you can think of... now raise it to the 10th power. That was me. I had several friends who were pregnant during that time. I did manage to get through their showers, but at great cost. I made quite a few trips to the bathroom while there in order to get my tears under control, and made sure I had a reason to leave early. I spent days quite depressed afterwards. In retrospect, I probably should have skipped them and sent a gift, but I wasn't really taking care of myself well then. Everything I had was invested in getting pregnant. I even quit my job because I couldn't handle everything. I would go out of my way not to have to drive by playgrounds or schools because I couldn't deal with seeing all those children. I was a mess. It was really all I could do to keep myself going.

In addition, the stress of all the treatments destroyed my marriage. We did finally manage to conceive, but my ex and I separated when our son was 9 months old. During the course of everything, he had fallen out of love.

If you're hurt, and yes, you do have valid reason to be, go ahead and talk to your friend, but try very hard to be sympathetic to what she's been through. It's a lot. And she knows what she's missed, and I can bet she's sorry for it. Maybe she would even like to apologize but doesn't know how. But please, if you still want her as a friend, help her celebrate this miracle pregnancy. She's worked long and hard and sacrificed a lot for it, and it might be her only one.

YOu know im in the same situation. I go to everything for my friends and then when i plan something they NEVER show. So in return i dont go to there things and i've also quit talking to them and dont care to talk to them anymore because they werent true friends after all even though we had been friends since 2nd grade and we are 21 now. So i def. dont blame you at all and i sure wouldnt go.

Hi,
I you should attend a shower, just because if I was in your situation I would.

Have a nice day.

this happened to me, well something similar. my friend was the very open honest type. she did admit she didnt want to be anywhere near anyone pregnant or happy about their baby when she was so miserable. she does believe that friend ship is there to benifit her...not mutually. when she wants something she goes for it, when she doesnt want something she is gone. it was hard, but that is not a great friend. we just changed our friendship so i no longer give to her all the time. i will only do what i want too...with her. if you dont want to go, dont go. if you want to give her a gift...give her one. if you dont want that kind of self serving friend then say goodbye. that is what i would do.

I would go. I understand your hurt and I think what your friend did was very insensitive. I also think many of the posters on here who say that you are selfish or insensitive are pretty bitter about infertility. No judgment on them either- bitter is a very hard way to be. I think your strength will help you see that line and forgive. I don't think that depression or the grief that so often accompany infertility or pregnancy loss are excuses for bad behavior. She had every right to feel the way she did but she had a choice whether to ACT like a friend or not. I don't think she needed to go to your shower as I understand that would have been torture for her in a way that is not equivalent to your discomfort in going to hers. However, a person behaving compassionately (like so many infertile women expect from the fertile) would have explained that she was uncomfortable and sad and would have apologized in advance for not being able to attend. This is a very difficult issue but I think we have to be careful not to let infertility become the dark cloud that hangs over relationships between otherwise loving and strong women friends.

We don't know how long the two of you have been friends...and how deep your friendship is. Sometimes it is best to "forgive and forget" so that you aren't consumed with anger.
First of all...if your friend was going through a fertility regime...she was most likely on hormones and her emotions were a ROLLER COASTER!!! Ask yourself if you were in her situation if you would want to go to a baby shower...watch everyone oooh and aaah over your friends upcoming baby...see them measuring her burgeoning belly to see who is going to win the prize in yet another silly shower game!
You are the only one who knows what this woman's friendship means to you...if you love her and want her in your life...then go to her baby shower...celebrate this new life with her...let her know how happy you are for her. If you don't want her in your life...then rsvp to the shower invitation and say that as much as you would love to attend you will not be able to attend. Don't go into WHY...what is it going to change other than to make both of you unhappy and angry?
So...I guess I am not answering your question...you are the only one who can answer that....but I am telling you how I would respond no matter what your final decision is.