How to Tell News of Pregnancy to Friend W/ Infertility Issues?

I struggled with infertility issues for years and suffered two miscarriages along the way. I'm sure everyone is different but I always appreciated hearing the news first-hand rather than through the grapevine. I had a very good friend whom I had confided in and prayed with alot get pregnant and not tell me. I found out when she was four and a half months along from her nine year old daughter. That hurt me alot and affected our friendship for a while.

Also just acknowledge that she'll have some sad feelings. Understand that those are not feelings she can control. And understand that most likely she'll be happy for you while at the same time grieving for herself. It might help to not mention that you're not happy about the pregnancy.

Being able to be her friend and talk about other things besides your pregnancy will help her get through it. You're a good friend to care about her feelings.

Hi C.,

I am a infertility patient myself and suffered for 3 long years before finally having my sweetheart Matthew. He is about to turn 3 and I had a slew of health problems around my 30th week and then 5 months after his birth as well. I am not able to have anymore children due to this fact, but I belonged to 4 support groups while going thru my infertility journey. I will always be an infertility patient, because I know what it all involves emotionally, financially, spiritually and psychologically as well.

Secondary infertility sometimes is worse because you feel that your body should know what to do since you were finally successful, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.

I WOULD NOT SAY ANYTHING especially since you already have 2 babies already. I would just wait until you are at least past your 3 month time and see where she is emotionally during that time. The funny thing is, my friends weren't really the problem for me, it was strangers that were pregnant and had babies that bothered me the most. I knew my friends were there to support me in anyway, but if I were you, I would wait.

I can always hook her up with support groups dealing with infertility. They were an awesome group for me and each one of us were successful in one way or another in obtaining our children.

I went through 6 IUI's, and 2 IVF's + tons of testings and other stuff before I became a mother!

Thanks and sorry so long!

G. B.

I have had infertility issues as well as two miscarriages (we now have two beautiful adopted children, but for the first several years of our marriage we were childless). For me, it was hard to be around pregnant women (baby showers, etc.), but when my friends were genuinely excited and grateful I could usually get excited right along with them. Mostly I had a hard time with two specific ATTITUDES about being pregnant.

1. People who could choose what weekend they wanted to get pregnant (or talked endlessly about how quickly or easily they got pregnant) and didn't seem to have any sense that this extreme is no more "normal" than infertility - I always walked away with the feeling that they took their gift for granted and/or that they thought there was something wrong with me.

2. Those who didn't seem to appreciate the importance/priority/blessing of a child. The most hurtful moments I think I ever experienced on this level were when a good friend was at our house and went on and on about how inconvenient a time it was for his wife to be pregnant - primarily because they were moving to another state and this was going to make the move more difficult. He never expressed that he was even a little bit grateful for the ability to have another child, nor any real concern for the child (part of the hurt was that her previous pregnancy had ended in a miscarriage so I really felt like he should have known better). I wanted to scream at him that I would put up with a WHOLE lot more "inconvenience" than that for the blessing of having a child, and wasn't a child more important than his "convenience." Please understand,
it's not that I would want a good friend not to acknowledge difficult circumstances (husband out of work, sick parents, moving, tight finances, whatever) that make the timing difficult - it's the priorities involved. All of us, as moms, have days that are VERY inconvenient - kids throwing up on us, siblings fighting, whatever - and we talk and "vent" about them - but we (at least most of us) don't seriously wish our children didn't exist - at least not for very long. We love our children and recognize their importance. To me, pregnancy should be the same...having mixed feelings is fine, being worried is fine, being angry (for a little while) is fine, grieving dreams/plans that now can't happen is fine...but it is when the mom (or whoever) doesn't ultimately appreciate that there is an awesome and ultimately more important thing than "convenience" involved - a child - that I had and have a really hard time. It's all in the priorities and how the concerns are stated.

One more thing - I don't know your circumstances. You could have mixed feelings for a much deeper reason than the "convenience" reasons expressed by the friends that really bothered me. There could be health issues involved for you or the child, for instance, or the child might be coming into an abusive or otherwise dangerous situation. I don't think it would EVER have bothered me if a good friend expressed THAT kind of concern to me about being pregnant. I would want to know, because I care about my friends, too.

This is very tough no matter what. I will say I can sympathize with your friend. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with my now 6 month old (our first). I felt like everyone else around me was pregnant and I was very sad about it. So, I am VERY glad you are being sensitive to your friend.

It will not be easy and will probably be awkward no matter what. You do need to tell your friend if she is a really good friend of yours. She will probably be a little upset/jealous no matter what, but she will be even more hurt if she hears it through the grapevine. Keep it VERY simple when you tell her. I would say something like, "I have something to tell you and I want you to hear it from me. I am pregnant." Do NOT expect her to be happy for you and don't expect her to have some long conversation about it. And definitely do NOT tell her this was an "accident". I know I hurt so much every time I heard someone say they got pregnant by accident or never had problems getting pregnant. If she asks if it was planned, be honest and say no. But don't offer the information up, and I wouldn't tell her you are upset about it right now. I know you may want to talk with her about your situation since she is your good friend, but it would probably hurt her a lot.

If you would like to talk with women who are going through fertility problems, go out to webmd and go to their 'trying to get pregnant' forums and find the one that has infertility problems or complex fertility issues and ask those ladies. They should be helpful.

Hope that helps somewhat,
J.

C.,
It already sounds like you are a good friend to her and are thinking of her! I went through four long years of infertility. Be honest with your friend and tell her right away. Also, you might not want her to know that you are not extremely excited about your pregnancy because that is something she really wants in her life right now. I suggest just starting off explaining to her that you can't truly understand what she if going through, but want her to know you are there for her. And just tell her gently that you are pregnant again. If she's truly a friend she'll understand, appreciate, and support you! Best of luck to you! I think it's great that you asked for support on this. I know it much be hard for you!
S.- finally a proud mommy of 3 boys

C.,

I am a person that struggled with infertility for 3 years before I got pregnant with my now 3.5 year old little girl (via IVF). I commend you on your concern for your friend. Here's my advice:

Tell her ASAP - it feels horrible to be the last person to know b/c someone doesn't know how to tell you due to your problem (you miss out on enough due to the horrible illness as it is). I would just talk to her as soon as you can and tell her that you haven't told anyone yet (or hardly anyone) but you wanted to tell her first - that you are pregnant. Build up that you haven't told many people but wanted her to know before others.......don't bring up her issues.

I've had friends say "I know this will be hard but....." and I hated that. Good luck and congrats on baby #3.

T.

Hi C.,

I would recommend being completely transparent with her. Acknowledge that you want to be very sensitive to her feelings, but as friends you don't want to keep anything from her.

I always subscribe to good communication, expressing your heart and it's always worked for me. It's when people try to avoid a situation that things get messed up.

Good luck and God bless!!

Hi C....
From someone who has had these same issues, I understand how she feels. I would approach the subject carefully - make sure she is in a good mood, or having an "up" day. Don't apologize, because then she will feel worse for making you feel that you have to apologize. Just don't act overly happy about it when you tell her. Then let her tell you how she feels if she is able. She will either be able to deal with it and be happy alongside you, or she may stay away while you are pregnant (I have had to do that - it's just part of the process). It's an awkward place to be, for both of you. Hope this helps...

I've struggled through infertility and had to get shots etc. before I could get pregnant with my first child. Now I am pregnant with my 3rd child with no medical intervention at all.
I went through a very good friend getting pregnant while I was unable to get preg. myself. It is not easy. But share your news... I would not have liked for it to be hidden from me. It is a battle I had to face myself. But do not talk about the pregnancy too much. Accept her questions about your health when she asks and talk of other things. Be compassonate but do not aviod the subject either. Let her lead the way. It will be hard for her. I don't know that I would focus on the surprise portion of the pregnancy.

Good luck and thank you for caring enough to ask.

My Bestfriend has Fertilly issues and has tried for year with no luck and If she is a good friend tell her your pg and it is surprize to you. Then tell herif if to much to talk about you can change the subject you a code word. Ture friend will understand and suport you as you do them. It will hurt her and him. The child you are carring is not responiable for there pain.

Hi C.,
When you talk to your friend, I'm sure you will think of how she is feeling - that's the best you can do :) How she takes the wonderful news is up to her, not to you! You sound VERY compassionate and I'm positive you will do a fantastic job in saying just the right words :)
I want to give your friend hope. I can send you an article to forward to her about infertility and that taking certain nutritional supplements, it could help her TREMENDOUSLY. My home # is ###-###-#### and my cell # is ###-###-####. Or she can email me.

God Bless,
A.